Friday, October 12, 2012
Joke: Special Crossings
Paddy was in New York.
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Joke: The miracle Hair Spray
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished!
He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says...
(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(This is bad!)
(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)
(You know, you could, just click off now and never read the punch line....)
(You're gonna be sorry)
(Last chance)
(OK, here it is)
It says;
" Hair Spray Restores life to dead hair; adds permanent wave. "
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished!
He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says...
(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(This is bad!)
(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)
(You know, you could, just click off now and never read the punch line....)
(You're gonna be sorry)
(Last chance)
(OK, here it is)
It says;
" Hair Spray Restores life to dead hair; adds permanent wave. "
Fun bashing men
Q: What is the difference between men and puppies?
A: Puppies grow up.
*************
Q: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
A: Because they are...
*************
Q: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
A: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever.
*************
Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit the ground first?
A: Who cares?????.....
*************
Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!.
*************
Q: What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO ?
A: I don't know, I've never seen either.
*************
Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: no mind !!) no business !!!??
*************
Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
A:! Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions .
*************
Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink...
*************
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no intention of driving.
*************
Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A: Exchange him!!
*************
Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.
*************
A: Puppies grow up.
*************
Q: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
A: Because they are...
*************
Q: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
A: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever.
*************
Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit the ground first?
A: Who cares?????.....
*************
Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!.
*************
Q: What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO ?
A: I don't know, I've never seen either.
*************
Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: no mind !!) no business !!!??
*************
Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
A:! Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions .
*************
Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink...
*************
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no intention of driving.
*************
Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A: Exchange him!!
*************
Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.
*************
Proverbs and Phrases ..... 10
Parsley seed goes nine times to the Devil
Patience is a virtue
Pearls of wisdom
Penny wise and pound foolish
People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones
Physician, heal thyself
Possession is nine points of the law
Power corrupts; absolute power corrupts absolutely
Practice makes perfect
Practice what you preach
Prevention is better than cure
Pride goes before a fall
Procrastination is the thief of time
Put your best foot forward
Rain before seven, fine before eleven
Red sky at night shepherd's delight; red sky in the morning, shepherd's warning
Revenge is a dish best served cold
Revenge is sweet
Rob Peter to pay Paul
Rome wasn't built in a day
Patience is a virtue
Pearls of wisdom
Penny wise and pound foolish
People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones
Physician, heal thyself
Possession is nine points of the law
Power corrupts; absolute power corrupts absolutely
Practice makes perfect
Practice what you preach
Prevention is better than cure
Pride goes before a fall
Procrastination is the thief of time
Put your best foot forward
Rain before seven, fine before eleven
Red sky at night shepherd's delight; red sky in the morning, shepherd's warning
Revenge is a dish best served cold
Revenge is sweet
Rob Peter to pay Paul
Rome wasn't built in a day
Joke: Tolerance is the name of the game
I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against a mosque being built at Ground Zero. I think it should be the goal of every American to be tolerant. Thus the Mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.
That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, " The Turban Cowboy ", and the other a topless bar called " You Mecca Me Hot ."
Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbeque pork restaurant, called " Iraq o' Ribs. "
Across the street there could be a lingerie store called " Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret ", with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.
Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, " Koranal Knowledge ", its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called " Morehammered. "
All of this would encourage the Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so the mosque problem would be solved. If you agree with promoting tolerance, and you think this is a good plan, please pass it on...
That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, " The Turban Cowboy ", and the other a topless bar called " You Mecca Me Hot ."
Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbeque pork restaurant, called " Iraq o' Ribs. "
Across the street there could be a lingerie store called " Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret ", with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.
Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, " Koranal Knowledge ", its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called " Morehammered. "
All of this would encourage the Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so the mosque problem would be solved. If you agree with promoting tolerance, and you think this is a good plan, please pass it on...
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Courtroom, lawyers and what not .... part 4/4
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Long arm of the law
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary
tried this creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few
Trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can
Punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied.
"Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled.
With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few
Trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can
Punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied.
"Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled.
With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
That old guy from Louisiana
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large
farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
Mixed Emotions
A husband and
wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the
phenomenon of "mixed
emotions".
The husband turned to his wife and said,
"Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make
me happy and sad at the same time.
She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the
biggest pecker."
Logic is not one of Obama's strong points ... part 1
This comic strip is supposedly from an UK newspaper. This and others in the same vein came into my possession via. email from a friend.
Froggy Grandfather
A six year old goes to the hospital with her
mother to visit her Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room .......
"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog - because my mother said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney Land!
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room .......
"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog - because my mother said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney Land!
Burkhas and lacey bras .... wow !!
Senior moments
There was
a bit of confusion at the store this morning.
When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical screaming and store alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.
Obamacare cares for you ....NOT
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the
same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to
require hip surgery.
The FIRSTpatient is examined within the hour, is
x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the
following week.
TheSECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3
weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a
specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another
week and finally has his surgery is scheduled for 6 months from
then pending the review boards decision on his age and
remaining value to society.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The FIRST is a Golden Retriever taken to a vet. The
SECOND is a Senior Citizen on Obama care...
Solution to the problem: In November if Obama and his gang are reelected, it's time to have a good vet.
same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to
require hip surgery.
The FIRSTpatient is examined within the hour, is
x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the
following week.
TheSECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3
weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a
specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another
week and finally has his surgery is scheduled for 6 months from
then pending the review boards decision on his age and
remaining value to society.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The FIRST is a Golden Retriever taken to a vet. The
SECOND is a Senior Citizen on Obama care...
Solution to the problem: In November if Obama and his gang are reelected, it's time to have a good vet.
Innocent as "Innocent" can be
State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main
highway. He sees a couple in a car, with
the interior light brightly glowing. He
carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a
computer magazine. He immediately notices
a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks
to the car and gently raps on the driver's
window.
The young man lowers his window. "'Uh, yes, Officer?"The trooper asks: "What are you doing?"The young man says: "'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: "And her, what is she doing?"The young man shrugs:"Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails."Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane... And nothing obscene is happening!The trooper asks: "What's your age, young man?"The young man says: "I'm 22, sir"The trooper asks: "And her.... what's her age?"The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes..."
Courtroom, lawyers and what not ... Part 3/4
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
Nuns on barstools
Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa,
Katherine Marie, Rose Frances & Mary Kathleen went on a trip to
St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York City.
They were sight-seeing and the day was hot and humid, especially in their traditional garb. The heat and humidity made the sisters very thirsty.
The saw Patty McGuire's Pub nearby and went in for a nice long icy Cokes.
Patty had recently added special legs to his barstools, which were the talk of the fashionable eastside neighborhood. All five nuns went up to the bar and sat on the stools.
They were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley and Father McGinty entered the bar through the front door with the same intention of sipping on a nice cold drink.
They entered the pub, saw the nuns and almost had heart-attacks.
They were sight-seeing and the day was hot and humid, especially in their traditional garb. The heat and humidity made the sisters very thirsty.
The saw Patty McGuire's Pub nearby and went in for a nice long icy Cokes.
Patty had recently added special legs to his barstools, which were the talk of the fashionable eastside neighborhood. All five nuns went up to the bar and sat on the stools.
They were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley and Father McGinty entered the bar through the front door with the same intention of sipping on a nice cold drink.
They entered the pub, saw the nuns and almost had heart-attacks.
Courtroom, lawyers and what not .... Part 2/4
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
Courtroom, lawyers and what not ....... part 1/4
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are supposedly things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by
court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were
actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Edgar Allen Poe's The Tell Tale Heart
Enjoy. Watch it before some nasty at You Tube decides to delete the video.
Getting married in Heaven poses a big problem
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in
a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here!
Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?!
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here!
Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?!
A Congress of Baboons
The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective
nouns for the various groups of animals. We are all
familiar with
a Herd ofcows,
a Flock of chickens,
a School of fish
and a Gaggle of geese.
However, less widely known is:
a Pride of lions,
a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens),
an Exaltation of doves
and, presumably because they look so wise:
a Parliament of owls.
Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest,
most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and
least intelligent of all primates. And what is the proper
collective noun for a group of baboons?
Believe it or not ……. a Congress!
A CONGRESS OF BABOONS!
I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington
a Herd ofcows,
a Flock of chickens,
a School of fish
and a Gaggle of geese.
However, less widely known is:
a Pride of lions,
a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens),
an Exaltation of doves
and, presumably because they look so wise:
a Parliament of owls.
Believe it or not ……. a Congress!
A CONGRESS OF BABOONS!
I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington
Tourists and accents
Two visitors from Italy touring the USA get onto a bus in New York.
They sit down & engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma cums first.
Den I cum.
Den two asses cum together.
I cum once-a-more!
2 asses, they cum 2gether again.
I cum again and pee twice.
Then I cum one lasta time."
The lady can't take this any more and shouts "You foul-mouthed sex-obsessed maniacs, in this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives however extraordinary they might be."
"Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. "Who talkin' about sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi."
They sit down & engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma cums first.
Den I cum.
Den two asses cum together.
I cum once-a-more!
2 asses, they cum 2gether again.
I cum again and pee twice.
Then I cum one lasta time."
The lady can't take this any more and shouts "You foul-mouthed sex-obsessed maniacs, in this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives however extraordinary they might be."
"Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. "Who talkin' about sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi."
How to get loud cellphone speakers to STFU
After a very busy day, a commuter settled down
in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson .
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to
her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart it's Eric, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the
six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting - no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No
sweetheart, you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"
etc., etc.
Fifteen minutes later at St. Anne de Bellevue he was still talking
loudly , when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at
the top of her voice:
"Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!"
My guess would be that Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public
any longer
Spanish Lessons and the Debate about a computer
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish,
unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House'
for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is
masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is
'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split
the class into
two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for
themselves
whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each
group
was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be
of the
feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their
creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language
they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone
else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term
memory
for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make
a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on
accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
Masculine ('el
computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them,
you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still
can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve
problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little
longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women
won.
Joke: Driving at night
An
elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. And is asked where he is
going at this time of
night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a
lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as
smoking and staying out
late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is
giving that lecture at this time of
night?"
The man replies, "That would be my
wife."
|
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
