Basket Building in Ohio and Conch Shell house in Mexico
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Good Idea : Solution to end the airport security nastiness
Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports:
All we need to do is develop a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have hidden on or in your body. The explosion will be contained within the sealed booth.
This would be a win-win for everyone. There would be none of this crap about racial profiling and the device would eliminate long and expensive trials.
This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it now: you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention, standby passengers! We now have a seat available on flight number..."
All we need to do is develop a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have hidden on or in your body. The explosion will be contained within the sealed booth.
This would be a win-win for everyone. There would be none of this crap about racial profiling and the device would eliminate long and expensive trials.
This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it now: you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention, standby passengers! We now have a seat available on flight number..."
Proverbs and phrases .... 1
A cat may look at a king
A chain is only as strong as its weakest link
A change is as good as a rest
A drowning man will clutch at a straw
A fish always rots from the head down
A fool and his money are soon parted
A friend in need is a friend indeed
A golden key can open any door
A good beginning makes a good ending
A good man is hard to find
A house divided against itself cannot stand
A house is not a home
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step
A leopard cannot change its spots
A little knowledge is a dangerous thing
A little learning is a dangerous thing
A little of what you fancy does you good
A man who is his own lawyer has a fool for his client
A miss is as good as a mile
A new broom sweeps clean
A nod's as good as a wink to a blind horse
A penny saved is a penny earned
A person is known by the company he keeps
A picture paints a thousand words
A place for everything and everything in its place
A poor workman always blames his tools
A problem shared is a problem halved
A prophet is not recognized in his own land
A rising tide lifts all boats
A rolling stone gathers no moss
A soft answer turneth away wrath
A stitch in time saves nine
A swarm in May is worth a load of hay; a swarm in June is worth a silver spoon; but a swarm in July is not worth a fly
A thing of beauty is a joy forever
A trouble shared is a trouble halved
A volunteer is worth twenty pressed men
A watched pot never boils
A woman's place is in the home
A woman's work is never done
A word to the wise is enough
Absence makes the heart grow fonder
Absolute power corrupts absolutely
Accidents will happen (in the best-regulated families).
Actions speak louder than words
Adversity makes strange bedfellows
After a storm comes a calm
All good things come to he who waits
All good things must come to an end
All is grist that comes to the mill
All publicity is good publicity
All roads lead to Rome
All that glisters is not gold
All the world loves a lover
All things come to those who wait
All things must pass
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy
All you need is love
All's fair in love and war
All's for the best in the best of all possible worlds
All's well that ends well
A miss is as good as a mile
An apple a day keeps the doctor away
An army marches on its stomach
An Englishman's home is his castle
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure
Another day, another dollar
Any port in a storm
April showers bring forth May flowers
As you make your bed, so you must lie upon it
As you sow so shall you reap
Ask a silly question and you'll get a silly answer
Ask no questions and hear no lies
Attack is the best form of defence
Bad money drives out good
Bad news travels fast
Barking dogs seldom bite
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder
Beauty is only skin deep
Beggars should not be choosers
Behind every great man there's a great woman
Better late than never
Better safe than sorry
Better the Devil you know than the Devil you don't
Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all
Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool that to speak and remove all doubt
Beware of Greeks bearing gifts
Big fish eat little fish
Birds of a feather flock together
Blood is thicker than water
Boys will be boys
Brevity is the soul of wit
Business before pleasure
Caesar's wife must be above suspicion
Carpe diem (Pluck the day; Seize the day)
Charity begins at home
Cheats never prosper
Children should be seen and not heard
Cleanliness is next to godliness
Clothes make the man
Cold hands, warm heart
Comparisons are odious
Count your blessings
Cowards may die many times before their death
Crime doesn't pay
Cut your coat to suit your cloth
Dead men tell no tales
Devil take the hindmost
Discretion is the better part of valour
Distance lends enchantment to the view
Do as I say, not as I do
Do as you would be done by
Do unto others as you would have them do to you
Don't bite the hand that feeds you
Don't burn your bridges behind you
Don't cast your pearls before swine
Don't change horses in midstream
Don't count your chickens before they are hatched
Don't cross the bridge till you come to it
Don't cut off your nose to spite your face
Don't keep a dog and bark yourself
Don't let the bastards grind you down
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth
Don't meet troubles half-way
Don't put all your eggs in one basket
Don't put the cart before the horse
Don't put new wine into old bottles
Don't rock the boat
Don't spoil the ship for a ha'porth of tar
Don't throw pearls to swine
Don't teach your Grandma to suck eggs
Don't throw the baby out with the bath water
Don't try to walk before you can crawl
Don't upset the apple-cart
Don't wash your dirty linen in public
Doubt is the beginning not the end of wisdom
A chain is only as strong as its weakest link
A change is as good as a rest
A drowning man will clutch at a straw
A fish always rots from the head down
A fool and his money are soon parted
A friend in need is a friend indeed
A golden key can open any door
A good beginning makes a good ending
A good man is hard to find
A house divided against itself cannot stand
A house is not a home
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step
A leopard cannot change its spots
A little knowledge is a dangerous thing
A little learning is a dangerous thing
A little of what you fancy does you good
A man who is his own lawyer has a fool for his client
A miss is as good as a mile
A new broom sweeps clean
A nod's as good as a wink to a blind horse
A penny saved is a penny earned
A person is known by the company he keeps
A picture paints a thousand words
A place for everything and everything in its place
A poor workman always blames his tools
A problem shared is a problem halved
A prophet is not recognized in his own land
A rising tide lifts all boats
A rolling stone gathers no moss
A soft answer turneth away wrath
A stitch in time saves nine
A swarm in May is worth a load of hay; a swarm in June is worth a silver spoon; but a swarm in July is not worth a fly
A thing of beauty is a joy forever
A trouble shared is a trouble halved
A volunteer is worth twenty pressed men
A watched pot never boils
A woman's place is in the home
A woman's work is never done
A word to the wise is enough
Absence makes the heart grow fonder
Absolute power corrupts absolutely
Accidents will happen (in the best-regulated families).
Actions speak louder than words
Adversity makes strange bedfellows
After a storm comes a calm
All good things come to he who waits
All good things must come to an end
All is grist that comes to the mill
All publicity is good publicity
All roads lead to Rome
All that glisters is not gold
All the world loves a lover
All things come to those who wait
All things must pass
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy
All you need is love
All's fair in love and war
All's for the best in the best of all possible worlds
All's well that ends well
A miss is as good as a mile
An apple a day keeps the doctor away
An army marches on its stomach
An Englishman's home is his castle
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure
Another day, another dollar
Any port in a storm
April showers bring forth May flowers
As you make your bed, so you must lie upon it
As you sow so shall you reap
Ask a silly question and you'll get a silly answer
Ask no questions and hear no lies
Attack is the best form of defence
Bad money drives out good
Bad news travels fast
Barking dogs seldom bite
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder
Beauty is only skin deep
Beggars should not be choosers
Behind every great man there's a great woman
Better late than never
Better safe than sorry
Better the Devil you know than the Devil you don't
Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all
Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool that to speak and remove all doubt
Beware of Greeks bearing gifts
Big fish eat little fish
Birds of a feather flock together
Blood is thicker than water
Boys will be boys
Brevity is the soul of wit
Business before pleasure
Caesar's wife must be above suspicion
Carpe diem (Pluck the day; Seize the day)
Charity begins at home
Cheats never prosper
Children should be seen and not heard
Cleanliness is next to godliness
Clothes make the man
Cold hands, warm heart
Comparisons are odious
Count your blessings
Cowards may die many times before their death
Crime doesn't pay
Cut your coat to suit your cloth
Dead men tell no tales
Devil take the hindmost
Discretion is the better part of valour
Distance lends enchantment to the view
Do as I say, not as I do
Do as you would be done by
Do unto others as you would have them do to you
Don't bite the hand that feeds you
Don't burn your bridges behind you
Don't cast your pearls before swine
Don't change horses in midstream
Don't count your chickens before they are hatched
Don't cross the bridge till you come to it
Don't cut off your nose to spite your face
Don't keep a dog and bark yourself
Don't let the bastards grind you down
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth
Don't meet troubles half-way
Don't put all your eggs in one basket
Don't put the cart before the horse
Don't put new wine into old bottles
Don't rock the boat
Don't spoil the ship for a ha'porth of tar
Don't throw pearls to swine
Don't teach your Grandma to suck eggs
Don't throw the baby out with the bath water
Don't try to walk before you can crawl
Don't upset the apple-cart
Don't wash your dirty linen in public
Doubt is the beginning not the end of wisdom
Funny video: What About Bob
This is from one of my most favorite movies. I think I must have watched it at least 20 times.
Joke: Canada's low on oil ... yes, really !
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in Canada..
Well, there's a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for this is purely geographical.
Our Oil is located in:
ALBERTA
SASKATCHEWAN
BRITISH COLUMBIA
MANITOBA
COASTAL NEW BRUNSWICK
COASTAL NEWFOUNDLAND
However, our DIPSTICKS are located in OTTAWA
Well, there's a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for this is purely geographical.
Our Oil is located in:
ALBERTA
SASKATCHEWAN
BRITISH COLUMBIA
MANITOBA
COASTAL NEW BRUNSWICK
COASTAL NEWFOUNDLAND
However, our DIPSTICKS are located in OTTAWA
Joke:Who was Jesus?
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do
Can I get an AMEN!!
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do
Can I get an AMEN!!
Joke: Alcohol and legs
A man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine, who is sitting by herself.
Man: 'May I buy you a cocktail?'
Maxine: 'No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs.
Man: 'Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?'
Maxine: 'No, they spread!’
Man: 'May I buy you a cocktail?'
Maxine: 'No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs.
Man: 'Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?'
Maxine: 'No, they spread!’
Joke: One copy only
A young engineer who graduated with distinction, was leaving the office at 3.45 p.m. when he found the Acting CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the Acting CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."
Lesson: Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.
"Listen," said the Acting CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."
Lesson: Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.
Joke: The trouble with Catholic upbringing
As I walked down the busy sidewalk with my wife, knowing we were late for Mass, my eyes fell upon one of those unfortunate ragged vagabonds that are found in every city these days. Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight might somehow contaminate them.
Recalling how my old pastor, Father Michael, always preached for us to "care for the sick, to feed the hungry, and to clothe the naked", I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person, who was wearing something that can only be described as rags and who was carrying her worldly possessions in two plastic bags.
My heart was touched by this person's condition. Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden inner beauty, a spiritual purity.
Father Michael was right. A small voice inside my head called out, "Reach out..., reach out and touch this person!"
So I did
I don't think I'll be attending Mass for a couple of weeks
Recalling how my old pastor, Father Michael, always preached for us to "care for the sick, to feed the hungry, and to clothe the naked", I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person, who was wearing something that can only be described as rags and who was carrying her worldly possessions in two plastic bags.
My heart was touched by this person's condition. Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden inner beauty, a spiritual purity.
Father Michael was right. A small voice inside my head called out, "Reach out..., reach out and touch this person!"
So I did
I don't think I'll be attending Mass for a couple of weeks
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Joke: Dear Abby letter
I am a crack dealer in Fort Wayne, Indiana who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Merrillville and one of my sisters, who lives in South Bend, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Indianapolis. I have two brothers, one is serving a non-parole life sentence for the murder of a teenage boy in 2002. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Anderson. She is a part time "working girl". All things considered, my Problem is this. I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.
Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Barack Obama as President?
Sincerely,
Worried About My Reputation
I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Anderson. She is a part time "working girl". All things considered, my Problem is this. I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.
Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Barack Obama as President?
Sincerely,
Worried About My Reputation
Joke: The laughing man
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied,
'Well your Honor, it was like this:
when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' ... I just lost it.'
'CASE DISMISSED!!'
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied,
'Well your Honor, it was like this:
when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' ... I just lost it.'
'CASE DISMISSED!!'
Joke: Fire in London
In a run-down part of East London a fire destroyed a dilapidated four-story house that had been divided into four flats.
A Nigerian family of six Internet con artists, and full time benefit cheats' lived on the first floor... all six tragically perished in the fire.
A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor...they too, all perished in the fire.
Six Albanian, gang banger, ex-cons - all claiming political asylum and living off the state for free, occupied the 3rd floor...they too, died.
But the middle aged British Anglo-Indian couple who lived on the top floor miraculously survived the fire.
The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Human Rights Activists, Black Community Leaders and the British Islamic Council were all furious at the apparent racial inequality of the situation.
Why was just the British Anglo-Indian couple saved? It was monstrous they claimed, and showed that systemic 'racism' still existed in all areas of public service - questions were raised in the House of Commons, the popular media picked up the story and within hours it was National and indeed International news.
Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, when questioned stated calmly that it would be unwise to jump to conclusions until all of the Emergency Services had completed their report. He closed by stating that he expected their initial assessment to be available within the next 36 hours so perhaps it would be best to let the experts gather the evidence and report back before he commented any further.
The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way as to intimate that the Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out of touch with the feelings of the whole East London community!
A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together with the Home Secretary drove to the area, having demanded a meeting with the local Chief Fire Officer. They made sure that a large pack of popular Press and TVhad been briefed on the visit and so the motorcade was met by a huge gaggle of journalists, TV interviewers and cameras.
On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Black Muslims and Albanians all died in the fire and only the Anglo-Indian couple lived.
One bemused chief fire officer quietly replied...
"Because they were both at work."
A Nigerian family of six Internet con artists, and full time benefit cheats' lived on the first floor... all six tragically perished in the fire.
A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor...they too, all perished in the fire.
Six Albanian, gang banger, ex-cons - all claiming political asylum and living off the state for free, occupied the 3rd floor...they too, died.
But the middle aged British Anglo-Indian couple who lived on the top floor miraculously survived the fire.
The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Human Rights Activists, Black Community Leaders and the British Islamic Council were all furious at the apparent racial inequality of the situation.
Why was just the British Anglo-Indian couple saved? It was monstrous they claimed, and showed that systemic 'racism' still existed in all areas of public service - questions were raised in the House of Commons, the popular media picked up the story and within hours it was National and indeed International news.
Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, when questioned stated calmly that it would be unwise to jump to conclusions until all of the Emergency Services had completed their report. He closed by stating that he expected their initial assessment to be available within the next 36 hours so perhaps it would be best to let the experts gather the evidence and report back before he commented any further.
The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way as to intimate that the Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out of touch with the feelings of the whole East London community!
A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together with the Home Secretary drove to the area, having demanded a meeting with the local Chief Fire Officer. They made sure that a large pack of popular Press and TVhad been briefed on the visit and so the motorcade was met by a huge gaggle of journalists, TV interviewers and cameras.
On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Black Muslims and Albanians all died in the fire and only the Anglo-Indian couple lived.
One bemused chief fire officer quietly replied...
"Because they were both at work."
Joke: Who bested Pinocchio's long nose
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one Day.
As they walk, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."
"I am entering!" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"
" First Place !," said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign:
"Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
" First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"
They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the hell is Obama?" asked Pinocchio.
As they walk, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."
"I am entering!" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"
" First Place !," said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign:
"Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
" First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"
They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the hell is Obama?" asked Pinocchio.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Joke: When love fades
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's lovely voice from the kitchen.
"What would you like for dinner, my Love. . . Chicken, beef or lamb?"
I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."
She replied "You're having soup, asshole. I was talking to the cat."
"What would you like for dinner, my Love. . . Chicken, beef or lamb?"
I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."
She replied "You're having soup, asshole. I was talking to the cat."
Joke or not: how to determine if one is "fit" for the loony bin
It's call the Bathtub test:
During a visit to the mental hospital, I asked the Director 'How do you determine whether or not a patient should be admitted to the hospital.'
'Well,' said the Director, 'We fill up a bathtub, and then we give a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No.' Said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the drain plug.
Well... Would you prefer a bed near the window?'
During a visit to the mental hospital, I asked the Director 'How do you determine whether or not a patient should be admitted to the hospital.'
'Well,' said the Director, 'We fill up a bathtub, and then we give a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No.' Said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the drain plug.
Well... Would you prefer a bed near the window?'
Joke: IRS inspectors and how to get their goat
At the end of the tax year, the Inland Revenue office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.
While the agent was checking the books he turned to the Accountant of the Hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the Accountant. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Hospital Accountant, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Accountant.
"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Accountant. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Inland Revenue Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick!"
While the agent was checking the books he turned to the Accountant of the Hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the Accountant. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Hospital Accountant, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Accountant.
"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Accountant. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Inland Revenue Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick!"
Joke: It's a bitch to be getting old and useless
OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbor?'
The old man replied,
'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
AND SHAME ON ALL OF YOU WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A DIRTY JOKE ... as if I would ever write anything dirty. hehehe
An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbor?'
The old man replied,
'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
AND SHAME ON ALL OF YOU WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A DIRTY JOKE ... as if I would ever write anything dirty. hehehe
Joke: The story of two nuns
There were two nuns ...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most!
What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical ! Thank goodness you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty joke,
I'll pray for you !!!
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most!
What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical ! Thank goodness you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty joke,
I'll pray for you !!!
Joke: What teachers have to put up with .... 3 .....
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
Joke: Don't mess with kids
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
Joke: What teachers have to put up with .... 2 .....
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
Joke: What teachers have to put up with ..... 1
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
Joke: The Hitman's discount
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'
'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'
'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.
'You're joking!' was the response.
'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'
'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom... Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her... He's naked, too!!!
He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'
'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'
'Can you do two for me now?'
'Sure, what do you want?'
'First, shoot my wife, she's always mouthing off, so shoot her in the mouth.'
'Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.'
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.
'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here...'
'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'
'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.
'You're joking!' was the response.
'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'
'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom... Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her... He's naked, too!!!
He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'
'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'
'Can you do two for me now?'
'Sure, what do you want?'
'First, shoot my wife, she's always mouthing off, so shoot her in the mouth.'
'Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.'
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.
'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here...'
Quiz ... easy as pie ?
1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last ?
2) Which country makes Panama hats ?
3) From which animal do we get cat gut ?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution ?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of ?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal ?
7) What was King George VI's first name ?
8) What color is a purple finch ?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from ?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane ?
ANSWERS
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) What country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut ? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution ? November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of ? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal ? Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name ? Albert
8) What color is a purple finch ? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from ? New Zealand
10) What is the color of the 'black box' in a commercial airplane ? Orange (of course!)
2) Which country makes Panama hats ?
3) From which animal do we get cat gut ?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution ?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of ?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal ?
7) What was King George VI's first name ?
8) What color is a purple finch ?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from ?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane ?
ANSWERS
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) What country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut ? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution ? November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of ? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal ? Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name ? Albert
8) What color is a purple finch ? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from ? New Zealand
10) What is the color of the 'black box' in a commercial airplane ? Orange (of course!)
Joke: Sneezing Woman and a sure-fire remedy
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose,
and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her
nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently.
Are you OK?" "I am sorry if I disturbed you," the woman responded. "I have a very rare medical condition.
Whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.
"I've never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded. "Pepper."
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose,
and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her
nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently.
Are you OK?" "I am sorry if I disturbed you," the woman responded. "I have a very rare medical condition.
Whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.
"I've never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded. "Pepper."
Joke: How Adam got his Eve
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion
and that it would be a woman.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you,
and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will praise you!
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,
and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you .
She will bear your children.
and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and
passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
Of course the rest is history............!!!!
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion
and that it would be a woman.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you,
and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will praise you!
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,
and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you .
She will bear your children.
and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and
passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
Of course the rest is history............!!!!
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