Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me..
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me.. Who is this?
Caller: I'm Sam Wan .. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone ! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Ree ..
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry . Now give me your name!!
Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree ..
Caller: Oh .....God.... ...
Joke submitted by: Good Wan!
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Airports: Dangerous landing strips .... Part I
I received some great pics from a friend who works in the aviation industry. To do justice to the pics, I will post only 2 at a time.
Funny: And the moral of the story is ........
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a
well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the
well needed to be covered up anyway;
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and
help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began
to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realized what was happening and cried
horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he
quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
*****
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate what you have. Give more.
Expect less
NOW .......
Enough of that crap. The donkey later came back,
and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
Joke: Like I said before, Kids are horrid creatures
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figureit out..'
So I wrote down – ID10T
I used to like Eric, the little bastard....
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figureit out..'
So I wrote down – ID10T
I used to like Eric, the little bastard....
Words and terms: Ever wondered about this?
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Joke: Prez Obama and the Call girls
The President was looking for a call girl.
He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.
To the blonde he said,:
'I'm the President of the United States, Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'
She replied, $200.'
To the brunette he asked the same question.
Her reply was $100.
He then asked the redhead..
Her reply was:
'Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, and my panties as low as my wages,
Get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of gas,
Keep me warmer than it is in my apartment, and screw me the way you have the retirees,
Then it isn't going to cost you a damn cent !'
Redheads are smart.
He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.
To the blonde he said,:
'I'm the President of the United States, Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'
She replied, $200.'
To the brunette he asked the same question.
Her reply was $100.
He then asked the redhead..
Her reply was:
'Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, and my panties as low as my wages,
Get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of gas,
Keep me warmer than it is in my apartment, and screw me the way you have the retirees,
Then it isn't going to cost you a damn cent !'
Redheads are smart.
Joke: Blonde tries to sell her car
A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.
The brunette suggested, “There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it’s not going to be legal.”
“That doesn’t matter at all,” replied the blonde. “All that matters it that I am able to sell this car.”
“Alright,” replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn’t be a problem to sell your car.”
The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette’s advice.
About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, “Did you sell your car?”
“No!” replied the blonde. “Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it
The brunette suggested, “There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it’s not going to be legal.”
“That doesn’t matter at all,” replied the blonde. “All that matters it that I am able to sell this car.”
“Alright,” replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn’t be a problem to sell your car.”
The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette’s advice.
About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, “Did you sell your car?”
“No!” replied the blonde. “Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it
Joke: Golfer as bad as Obama
Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament.
At first I said, "Naaahhh! I already play 3 times a week."
Then they said to me "Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids."
Then I thought...
Shit, I could win this thing.
At first I said, "Naaahhh! I already play 3 times a week."
Then they said to me "Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids."
Then I thought...
Shit, I could win this thing.
Joke: Farmer and his mother-in-law
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy’ and I would nod my head and say, ‘Yes, it was.’ The men would then ask, ‘Can I borrow that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t. It’s all booked up for a year'
While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy’ and I would nod my head and say, ‘Yes, it was.’ The men would then ask, ‘Can I borrow that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t. It’s all booked up for a year'
Joke: Blonde facing a firing squad
Three women are about to be executed. One’s a brunette, one’s a redhead, and one’s a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”Suddenly the brunette yells, “Earthquake!!” Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”
The redhead then screams, “Tornado!!”Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”
The blonde shouts, “Fire
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”Suddenly the brunette yells, “Earthquake!!” Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”
The redhead then screams, “Tornado!!”Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”
The blonde shouts, “Fire
Joke: Chicken Farmers
A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.
“That’s a lot of chicks,” commented the proprietor. “I mean business,” the city slicker replied.
A week later the yuppie was back again. “I need another 100 chicks,” he said. “Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming,” the man told him.
“Yeah,” the yuppie replied. “If I can iron out a few problems.” “Problems?” asked the proprietor. “Yeah,” replied the yuppie, “I think I planted that last batch too close together
-----------
The farmer’s son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken’s his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
“Pa, the chickens got loose,” the boy confessed sadly, “but I managed to find all twelve of them.”
“Well, you did real good, son,” the farmer beamed. “You left with seven
“That’s a lot of chicks,” commented the proprietor. “I mean business,” the city slicker replied.
A week later the yuppie was back again. “I need another 100 chicks,” he said. “Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming,” the man told him.
“Yeah,” the yuppie replied. “If I can iron out a few problems.” “Problems?” asked the proprietor. “Yeah,” replied the yuppie, “I think I planted that last batch too close together
-----------
The farmer’s son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken’s his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
“Pa, the chickens got loose,” the boy confessed sadly, “but I managed to find all twelve of them.”
“Well, you did real good, son,” the farmer beamed. “You left with seven
Joke: The pharmacist and the murderess
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'
The pharmacist asked 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied:
'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription. '
The pharmacist asked 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied:
'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription. '
Poem: Blow Hot, Blow Cold
Another published work of mine.
Feelings of oneness with this weather
Feelings so intimate with Mother Nature;
Blood carrying veins coursing along fine
All's well between me and my Creator.
I understand all, I crave no answers
Earth's nature vibes with mine;
It was but a few moons ago
This foolish heart blazed uncontrolled
for a love not returned.
And now, these cold, marrow-reaching winds
Have reached the burning core of my being;
and vanquished the hellish fires
I thank you God - for now
And until the next time.
Feelings of oneness with this weather
Feelings so intimate with Mother Nature;
Blood carrying veins coursing along fine
All's well between me and my Creator.
I understand all, I crave no answers
Earth's nature vibes with mine;
It was but a few moons ago
This foolish heart blazed uncontrolled
for a love not returned.
And now, these cold, marrow-reaching winds
Have reached the burning core of my being;
and vanquished the hellish fires
I thank you God - for now
And until the next time.
Joke: Irishman and his 3 pints of beer
An Irishman walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, “What’ll you have?”
The man says, “Give me three pints of Guinness please.”
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, “Sir, you don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.”
The man says, “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we’re drinking together.”
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers.
Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more. The bartender said to him, “I know what your tradition is, and I’d just like to say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers died.”
The man said, “Oh, me brothers are fine — I just quit drinking
The man says, “Give me three pints of Guinness please.”
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, “Sir, you don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.”
The man says, “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we’re drinking together.”
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers.
Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more. The bartender said to him, “I know what your tradition is, and I’d just like to say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers died.”
The man said, “Oh, me brothers are fine — I just quit drinking
Joke: Drunk Jumper
Peter is relaxing after work one day in a bar on the top floor of a New York skyscraper. While he’s sipping his drink, another man approaches him. He looks like an average guy; suit, tie, glasses, and he’s pretty drunk.
“Hey,” says the guy. “I’ll give you fifty dollars to jump out that window and jump back in.” The man points to an open window not far off.
Peter looks at the man like he’s crazy. “No thanks, I think I’ll just sit and enjoy my drink.” The man shrugs and wanders off.
About 30 minutes later, the man returns. Now he’s even more drunk; his tie has been loosened, his hat is gone, and he’s starting to slur. “Hey,” he says. “I’ll give you…five hunnert dollars to jump out that window and jump back in.”
Now Peter is getting irritated. “No, please leave me alone.” The man shrugs and wanders off again.
Twenty minutes later, the man returns yet again. Now he’s REALLY drunk; his glasses are broken, there’s a burn hole in his suit, and he’s wearing his tie around his head. “Hey, I’ll giff you five…hic…..THOUSAND dollerz to jub’ out ‘at window…..and jum’ baggin.”
Now Peter is mad, and just wants to get rid of this drunkard. “Tell you what,” he says. “You do it first and I’ll do it for free.”
The drunk man thinks for a second, and then stumbles over to the window, jumps out and jumps back in. Shocked, Peter thinks to himself, “If this drunk asshole can do it, surely I can.” So Peter walks over to the window, takes a deep breath, and jumps out the window. He quickly falls to his death.
The drunk man is standing by the bar, chuckling to himself.
The bartender looks at him and says “You sure are a dick when you’re drunk, Superman"
“Hey,” says the guy. “I’ll give you fifty dollars to jump out that window and jump back in.” The man points to an open window not far off.
Peter looks at the man like he’s crazy. “No thanks, I think I’ll just sit and enjoy my drink.” The man shrugs and wanders off.
About 30 minutes later, the man returns. Now he’s even more drunk; his tie has been loosened, his hat is gone, and he’s starting to slur. “Hey,” he says. “I’ll give you…five hunnert dollars to jump out that window and jump back in.”
Now Peter is getting irritated. “No, please leave me alone.” The man shrugs and wanders off again.
Twenty minutes later, the man returns yet again. Now he’s REALLY drunk; his glasses are broken, there’s a burn hole in his suit, and he’s wearing his tie around his head. “Hey, I’ll giff you five…hic…..THOUSAND dollerz to jub’ out ‘at window…..and jum’ baggin.”
Now Peter is mad, and just wants to get rid of this drunkard. “Tell you what,” he says. “You do it first and I’ll do it for free.”
The drunk man thinks for a second, and then stumbles over to the window, jumps out and jumps back in. Shocked, Peter thinks to himself, “If this drunk asshole can do it, surely I can.” So Peter walks over to the window, takes a deep breath, and jumps out the window. He quickly falls to his death.
The drunk man is standing by the bar, chuckling to himself.
The bartender looks at him and says “You sure are a dick when you’re drunk, Superman"
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Poem: Before I Die
One more from my published works
Want a piece of the sky sprinkled
with the rays of the setting sun,
I will savour it's glory and reserve
it for my eyes only.
Want a patch of golden, sandy shore of evening,
Treasure it I will with everything.
Want the soft sound of the darting, wintry wind,
Wafting ghost-like in my dreams.
Want to see ripples widening in a pond
Green with reflected trees
Want to find poetry
In the flight of every beast,
And music even in a rat's squeak.
Want to inhale the perfumed breath of all flowers,
And hold the memory of their petals
in my heart.
Want to see a boisterous brook,
And a mumbling waterfall,
And tell Mother Nature,
I am not blind to her beauty after all.
Want a piece of the sky sprinkled
with the rays of the setting sun,
I will savour it's glory and reserve
it for my eyes only.
Want a patch of golden, sandy shore of evening,
Treasure it I will with everything.
Want the soft sound of the darting, wintry wind,
Wafting ghost-like in my dreams.
Want to see ripples widening in a pond
Green with reflected trees
Want to find poetry
In the flight of every beast,
And music even in a rat's squeak.
Want to inhale the perfumed breath of all flowers,
And hold the memory of their petals
in my heart.
Want to see a boisterous brook,
And a mumbling waterfall,
And tell Mother Nature,
I am not blind to her beauty after all.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Funny: Silly sayings
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.. He thought he was God and I didn't
2... I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
2... I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
Joke: Single Black Female
This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me... Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Annie, I'll be waiting.....
Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me... Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Annie, I'll be waiting.....
Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society
Joke: Helicopter ride for Ken and Edna
Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, And every year Ken would say, 'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'
Edna always replied, 'I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, And fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
One year Ken and Edna went to the fair, and Ken said, 'Edna, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Edna replied, "Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Ken and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Ken replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth,
I almost said something when Edna fell out,
But you know,
"Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'
Edna always replied, 'I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, And fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
One year Ken and Edna went to the fair, and Ken said, 'Edna, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Edna replied, "Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Ken and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Ken replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth,
I almost said something when Edna fell out,
But you know,
"Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'
Joke: Where are the real Canadians ?
A Somali arrives in Vancouver as a new immigrant to Canada. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says ... 'Thank you Mr. Canadian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'
The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican.'
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ' Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Canada !'
The person says, 'I not Canadian, I Vietnamese.'
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Canada !'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am not Canadian !'
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you a Canadian ?'
She says , 'No, I am from Africa !'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Canadians ?'
The African lady checks her watch and says ...'Probably at work They work so we can walk the streets and do nothing.'
The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican.'
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ' Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Canada !'
The person says, 'I not Canadian, I Vietnamese.'
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Canada !'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am not Canadian !'
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you a Canadian ?'
She says , 'No, I am from Africa !'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Canadians ?'
The African lady checks her watch and says ...'Probably at work They work so we can walk the streets and do nothing.'
Truth Be Told: Unwritten Laws... we have all experienced these
Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
Law of Gravity - Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theater - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
Law of Gravity - Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theater - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
Joke: Little Johnny meets Obama
Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy.'
One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'
'No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.
I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call great loss'
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: 'If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'
'Well,' says the boy, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss...and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.'
The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy.'
One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'
'No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.
I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call great loss'
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: 'If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'
'Well,' says the boy, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss...and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.'
Joke: Old man and the U.S. Marine
One sunny day in January, 2013 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue , where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."
The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here."
The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here."
The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"
The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."
The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here."
The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here."
The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"
The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."
Joke: What Little Susie did with her undies
Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mom that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at doing them.
Mom said: "YOU should say NO--they only want to look at your undies."
Susie said: "I know they do...that's why I hide them in my backpack!!"
Mom said: "YOU should say NO--they only want to look at your undies."
Susie said: "I know they do...that's why I hide them in my backpack!!"
Cartoons: Yet more mad muzzies
A never ending supply of the nutcases all over the globe. Man .....oh.......man !!!
Joke: Mourning
PROFOUND MOURNING.....
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car, when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,
"Why did you have to die?
Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen.
For whom do you mourn so deeply?
A child?
A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself,then replied,
"My wife's first husband."
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car, when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,
"Why did you have to die?
Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen.
For whom do you mourn so deeply?
A child?
A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself,then replied,
"My wife's first husband."
Joke: Irish Viagra ... deadly
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said.. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'...
It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'
'Freakin' leprechauns, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said.. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'...
It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'
'Freakin' leprechauns, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Funny: It was his very first time
It was my first time ever
And I'll never forget
I'd do it again
Without a single regret.
The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were all alone
Just she and I.
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
She knew just what
I wanted to do.
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came!!
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow...
Joke: Who's in charge
Colonoscopy :
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs , "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum , "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss/
The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work...
The asshole is usually in charge.
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs , "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum , "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss/
The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work...
The asshole is usually in charge.
Insults ... Some people are just too good with witty insults
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one."
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
---------
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second .... if there is one."
Winston Churchill's response
*************************************
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
Stephen Bishop
=================================
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
John Bright
*************************************
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
Irvin S. Cobb
*******************************
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
Samuel Johnson
***************************
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
Groucho Marx
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
---------
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second .... if there is one."
Winston Churchill's response
*************************************
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
Stephen Bishop
=================================
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
John Bright
*************************************
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
Irvin S. Cobb
*******************************
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
Samuel Johnson
***************************
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
Groucho Marx
Joke: Bubba and the Hooker
A redneck was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.
'Twenty dollars,' she whispers.
Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the heck, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes. They're 'engaged' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a police officer.
'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.
'I'm making love to my wife,' Bubba answers, sounding annoyed.
'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop. 'I didn't know.'
'Well, neither did I, 'til ya shined that light in her face!'
'Twenty dollars,' she whispers.
Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the heck, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes. They're 'engaged' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a police officer.
'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.
'I'm making love to my wife,' Bubba answers, sounding annoyed.
'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop. 'I didn't know.'
'Well, neither did I, 'til ya shined that light in her face!'
Joke: Tailgating Woman Driver
The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up beh ind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car.''
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up beh ind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car.''
Joke: Blow up quickly
Two Muslim mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. And they start reminiscing.
'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.'
'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully.
'He's a martyr now though' mum confides. 'Oh, so sad dear' says the other.
And this is my second son also named Mohammed. He would be 21'
'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born.' 'He's a martyr too' says mum quietly.
'Oh, gracious me ...' says the other.
'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Little Mohammed. He would be 18,’ she whispers.
'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school.''He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...
'They blow up so fast, don't they?'
The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. And they start reminiscing.
'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.'
'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully.
'He's a martyr now though' mum confides. 'Oh, so sad dear' says the other.
And this is my second son also named Mohammed. He would be 21'
'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born.' 'He's a martyr too' says mum quietly.
'Oh, gracious me ...' says the other.
'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Little Mohammed. He would be 18,’ she whispers.
'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school.''He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...
'They blow up so fast, don't they?'
Joke: Drinking with a girl from Arizona .... priceless
A Mexican, an Arab, and an Arizona girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer (cuz he's a muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with
the same one twice either.'
The Arizona girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.
Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,
'In Arizona , we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer (cuz he's a muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with
the same one twice either.'
The Arizona girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.
Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,
'In Arizona , we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'
What happens when a pitbull attacks a porcupine .... not pretty
Must have hurt big time. The dog was sedated and more than a 1000 quills removed. Happened in California when the pitbull saw a porcupine in his backyard and tried to bully the quill thrower.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Joke: Sexual Positions
Interesting Medical Study:
It has been studied and determined that the most often used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs and the wife rolls over and plays dead.
It has been studied and determined that the most often used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs and the wife rolls over and plays dead.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Insult agalore.... learn them and keep them handy....
You might come across an opportunity to use these on those you want to reduce to ashes. These glorious insults are from an era before the English language changed to 4-letter words.
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
=================================================
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
=================================================
"He had delusions of adequacy."
Walter Kerr
===============================================
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
Winston Churchill
===============================================
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
=============================================
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
==============================================
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
===============================================
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
=================================================
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.."
Oscar Wilde
=================================================
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
=================================================
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
=================================================
"He had delusions of adequacy."
Walter Kerr
===============================================
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
Winston Churchill
===============================================
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
=============================================
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
==============================================
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
===============================================
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
=================================================
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.."
Oscar Wilde
=================================================
Joke: The suppository and the hearing aid
Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'
Funny: Why dogs are peeved at their owners
Blaming your farts on me.....
not funny... not funny at all
You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what
a proud moment for the top of the food chain
surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet
Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous
Joke: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti,
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back.
He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife."Honey,"she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh,just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white,and fainted.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce."
.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back.
He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife."Honey,"she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh,just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white,and fainted.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce."
.
Funny: When Obama got to the Pearly Gates
When Obama died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive?"
Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."
James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"
Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Obama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence ."
The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the radical, socialist, leader.
As Obama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Obama wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."
The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 VIRGINIANS waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said??.....You really need to listen when someone is trying to tell you something!"
Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."
Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Obama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence ."
The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 VIRGINIANS waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said??.....You really need to listen when someone is trying to tell you something!"
Cute Pics: Pandas rescued after earthquake in China
I believe these cuties were rescued after the recent earthquake in China.
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