Saturday, July 7, 2012
Edgar Allen Poe's The Tell Tale Heart
Enjoy. Watch it before some nasty at You Tube decides to delete the video.
Getting married in Heaven poses a big problem
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in
a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here!
Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?!
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here!
Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?!
A Congress of Baboons
The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective
nouns for the various groups of animals. We are all
familiar with
a Herd ofcows,
a Flock of chickens,
a School of fish
and a Gaggle of geese.
However, less widely known is:
a Pride of lions,
a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens),
an Exaltation of doves
and, presumably because they look so wise:
a Parliament of owls.
Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest,
most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and
least intelligent of all primates. And what is the proper
collective noun for a group of baboons?
Believe it or not ……. a Congress!
A CONGRESS OF BABOONS!
I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington
a Herd ofcows,
a Flock of chickens,
a School of fish
and a Gaggle of geese.
However, less widely known is:
a Pride of lions,
a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens),
an Exaltation of doves
and, presumably because they look so wise:
a Parliament of owls.
Believe it or not ……. a Congress!
A CONGRESS OF BABOONS!
I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington
Tourists and accents
Two visitors from Italy touring the USA get onto a bus in New York.
They sit down & engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma cums first.
Den I cum.
Den two asses cum together.
I cum once-a-more!
2 asses, they cum 2gether again.
I cum again and pee twice.
Then I cum one lasta time."
The lady can't take this any more and shouts "You foul-mouthed sex-obsessed maniacs, in this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives however extraordinary they might be."
"Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. "Who talkin' about sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi."
They sit down & engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma cums first.
Den I cum.
Den two asses cum together.
I cum once-a-more!
2 asses, they cum 2gether again.
I cum again and pee twice.
Then I cum one lasta time."
The lady can't take this any more and shouts "You foul-mouthed sex-obsessed maniacs, in this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives however extraordinary they might be."
"Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. "Who talkin' about sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi."
How to get loud cellphone speakers to STFU
After a very busy day, a commuter settled down
in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson .
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to
her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart it's Eric, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the
six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting - no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No
sweetheart, you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"
etc., etc.
Fifteen minutes later at St. Anne de Bellevue he was still talking
loudly , when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at
the top of her voice:
"Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!"
My guess would be that Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public
any longer
Spanish Lessons and the Debate about a computer
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish,
unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House'
for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is
masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is
'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split
the class into
two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for
themselves
whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each
group
was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be
of the
feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their
creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language
they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone
else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term
memory
for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make
a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on
accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
Masculine ('el
computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them,
you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still
can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve
problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little
longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women
won.
Joke: Driving at night
An
elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. And is asked where he is
going at this time of
night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a
lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as
smoking and staying out
late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is
giving that lecture at this time of
night?"
The man replies, "That would be my
wife."
|
Obama's supporters
Today I had to run to our local grocery store. As I approached the entrance,
I noticed a driver looking for a parking space.
I flagged the driver and pointed out a parking space in the handicap area.
The driver looked puzzled.
''I'm not handicapped'' she said.
Well, was my face red. ''Oh, sorry about that, I saw your Obama sticker and just presumed...''
She gave me the finger and called me some nasty names.
Sheesh! Some people... and you're just trying to help them.
Maxine on Minorities
We need
to show more sympathy
for these people.
don't
to show more sympathy
for these people.
don't
They don't get paid enough
wages.
*
They do jobs that others won't do
or
are afraid to do.
They do jobs that others won't do
or
are afraid to do.
*
They
live in crowded
live in crowded
conditions
among a people who
speak a different
language.
among a people who
speak a different
language.
*
They
rarely see their families,
rarely see their families,
and they
face adversity all day ~ every
day.
face adversity all day ~ every
day.
*I'm not
talking about illegal Mexicans
I'm talking
about our troops!
Doesn't
it seem strange that so
many are
willing to lavish all kinds
willing to lavish all kinds
of social
benefits on illegals,
but don't support our
troops?
Wouldn't it
be great if we took
benefits on illegals,
but don't support our
troops?
Wouldn't it
be great if we took
the
$360,000,000,000 (that's billion)
$360,000,000,000 (that's billion)
we spend on
illegals every
year, and spend it on our
troops!!!
illegals every
year, and spend it on our
troops!!!
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