The most illegal thing you will ever do

How one can tell when someone is a murderer or not

A first degree murder case was wrapping up in San Francisco.  The prosecutor's case was very unusual in that it was based exclusively on circumstantial evidence.  The husband was accused of killing his wife, but they could never find the body. 

The prosecutor gave his closing argument and demanded that the jury of 13 adults render a verdict of guilty of murder in the first degree.

But the defense counsel had something up his sleeve.  As he addressed the jury he said something most provocative:

"Ladies and gentlemen, this case, so built around circumstantial evidence is really about the concept of reasonable doubt.  Because, you see, as you will soon find out, the victim in this case, Mrs. Dribble, is going to walk through that door in 10 minutes and you will know Mr. Dribble is innocent."

A hush settled over the crowded courtroom as the attorney continued to speak with everyone's eyes constantly glancing toward the door between the jury and the audience.  As time passed toward the 10-minute deadline, people began to shuffle in their chairs and wipe their brows.  But the attorney continued to speak until it was past the 10 minutes.  But, Mrs. Dribble, the alleged victim, did not enter as he promised.

He continued:  "You see, members of the jury, you must have reasonable doubt or you would not have been looking repeatedly at the door.  Your own sense of doubt made you have an expectation of innocence. You must find my client not guilty of the charge of first degree murder."  With that, he closed and thanked the panel.  

The judge gave the jury their instructions and the bailiff led them to the jury room to deliberate on the guilt or innocence of Mr. Dribble.  It took them only 10 minutes and they indicated they had a verdict.

The defense was very sure they would be returning a "not guilty" verdict and he could barely contain his sense of self-assuredness.  He smiled at his client with a warmth that exuded comfort and success.

The jury foreman was asked to return the verdict form to the court's bailiff to be read out loud:

"We the jury find the defendant, Gunther Dribble, guilty of the crime of murder in the first degree."

The defense attorney was devastated and demanded to poll every juror.  But, as he started with the jury foreman, he did not have to go very far.  "Mr. foreman, you, yourself, had your eyes constantly moving toward the door.  You must have had reasonable doubt."

The jury foreman smiled cattily at the defense attorney:  "Yes. That's true, counsel", he responded."but what we noticed also was that your client was the only person in the entire courtroom who never looked at the door."

Pearls of Wisdom .... part 3/5

Lawyers believe that a man is innocent until proven broke.
            ~ Robin Hall

*****

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
            ~ Jean Rostand.

*****

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
            ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

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We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
            ~ W.H. Auden

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In hotel rooms I worry.  I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
            ~ Jonathan Katz

*****

Courtroom, lawyers and what not .... part 4/4

             ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
      WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
     ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
   WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
      ____________________________________________

     ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
     WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
       ______________________________________

   ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
      WITNESS: No.
      ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
      WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
     WITNESS: No..
      ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
      WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
   WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
      ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
   WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Long arm of the law

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few
Trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can
Punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. 
"Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."


The defendant smiled. 

With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

Courtroom, lawyers and what not ... Part 3/4

 ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
     WITNESS: Yes.
     ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
      ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
      ____________________________________________

     ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
   WITNESS: By death..
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
       WITNESS: Take a guess.
    ____________________________________________

      ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
   WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
  WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
      _____________________________________

       ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
     WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
      ______________________________________

     ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
      _________________________________________

      ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
     WITNESS: Oral...

Courtroom, lawyers and what not .... Part 2/4

 ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
     WITNESS: We both do.
    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
     WITNESS: We do..
     ATTORNEY: You do?
     WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
      ____________________________________________

     ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until       the next morning?
      WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
       ____________________________________

      ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
     WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
     ___________________________________________

     ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
   WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
       _________________________________________

      ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
     ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
       WITNESS: Getting laid
     ____________________________________________

Courtroom, lawyers and what not ....... part 1/4

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are supposedly things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

     ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
      WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
     ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
     WITNESS: My name is Susan!
     ____________________________________________

      ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
      WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
      ____________________________________________

      ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
     WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
     ____________________________________________

      ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
      WITNESS: Yes.
      ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
      WITNESS: I forget..
      ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
      ___________________________________________

Getting married in Heaven poses a big problem

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in  Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in  Heaven.
St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with  the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
 "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

 "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
 "OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here!

 Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?!

Joke: Farmers and lawyers

A farmer named Bertie had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Misty Company.

In court, the Misty Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Bertie.
'Didn't you say to the police the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Bertie responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Bertie said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Bertie's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Bertie thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge  truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side.. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her.. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

'Now wot da heck would you say?'