Saturday, August 13, 2011
Humorous Signs ..... I
Advertisement In A Long Island Shop:
Guitar, for sale........ Cheap....... . .......no strings attached.
Ad In Hospital Waiting Room:
Smoking Helps You Lose Weight ... One Lung At A Time!
On a bulletin board:
Success Is Relative. The more The Success, The more The Relatives.
When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking...
I Gave Up Reading
My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses....
He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.
Guitar, for sale........ Cheap....... . .......no strings attached.
Ad In Hospital Waiting Room:
Smoking Helps You Lose Weight ... One Lung At A Time!
On a bulletin board:
Success Is Relative. The more The Success, The more The Relatives.
When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking...
I Gave Up Reading
My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses....
He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.
Don't waste the opportunity
"You never want a serious crisis to go to waste. And what I mean by that is an opportunity to do things you think you could not do before." Rahm Emanuel
Wanna hire this guy ?
Manager asked at an interview.
Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?
Reply: -P-O-S-T-B-O- X.
What is your birth date?
Reply: 13th October
Which year?
Reply: Every year
Interviewer: Just imagine you are on the3rd floor and it catches fire. How will you escape?
Reply: Its simple. I will stop imagining !
Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?
Reply: -P-O-S-T-B-O- X.
What is your birth date?
Reply: 13th October
Which year?
Reply: Every year
Interviewer: Just imagine you are on the3rd floor and it catches fire. How will you escape?
Reply: Its simple. I will stop imagining !
Parrot with a defect
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It didn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."
Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."
Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
The Priest and the Jungle Chief
A priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives, when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The Chief replied "My Bike".
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The Chief replied "My Bike".
Before and After .... Iranian babes
In the time of the Shah and before the islamic revolution.
After:
The same fate awaits Egypt, Libya and Syria.
Quotable quotes from Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh ....... Part I
These quotes are attributed to Prince Philip long before the disease of "political correctness" descended on Earth and made us all dumb and dull.
1. "How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test?" To a driving instructor in Scotland.
2. "If you stay here much longer, you'll all be slitty-eyed." To a group of British students in China in 1986.
3. "Do you still throw spears at each other?" To indigenous leader William Brin during a visit to the Aboriginal Cultural Park in Queensland, 2002.
4. "You look like you're ready for bed!" To the President of Nigeria, who was wearing traditional robes.
5. "If it has four legs and is not a chair, has wings and is not an aeroplane, or swims and is not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it." To a World Wildlife Fund meeting in 1986.
6. "You managed not to get eaten then?" To a British student trekking in Papua New Guinea in 1998.
7. "Aren't most of you descended from pirates?" To an inhabitant of the Cayman Islands.
8. "You are a woman, aren't you?" To a Kenyan woman in 1984 after she gave him a present
9. "Do you know they're now producing eating dogs for the anorexics?" To a blind, wheelchair-bound woman who was with her guide dog.
10. "It looks as though it was put in by an Indian." Prince's verdict on a fuse box he noticed during a tour of a Scottish factory in 1999.
1. "How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test?" To a driving instructor in Scotland.
2. "If you stay here much longer, you'll all be slitty-eyed." To a group of British students in China in 1986.
3. "Do you still throw spears at each other?" To indigenous leader William Brin during a visit to the Aboriginal Cultural Park in Queensland, 2002.
4. "You look like you're ready for bed!" To the President of Nigeria, who was wearing traditional robes.
5. "If it has four legs and is not a chair, has wings and is not an aeroplane, or swims and is not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it." To a World Wildlife Fund meeting in 1986.
6. "You managed not to get eaten then?" To a British student trekking in Papua New Guinea in 1998.
7. "Aren't most of you descended from pirates?" To an inhabitant of the Cayman Islands.
8. "You are a woman, aren't you?" To a Kenyan woman in 1984 after she gave him a present
9. "Do you know they're now producing eating dogs for the anorexics?" To a blind, wheelchair-bound woman who was with her guide dog.
10. "It looks as though it was put in by an Indian." Prince's verdict on a fuse box he noticed during a tour of a Scottish factory in 1999.
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