ISIS's ploy to get Obama's attention

Blonde driver

 A blond man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. 

Suddenly he has to swerve  to avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"

Cartoon: Coalition against ISIS not effective enough

Blonde Men are Dumber

 A blond man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. 

His wife says "Why don't you  put an ad in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here boy!" he replies.

Cartoon: Crazy Muslims

Inflatable Dolls ... the one that can blow

Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says , 'Male or female?'
Customer says, 'Female.'
Counter guy ask,
'Black or white?
Customer says, 'White.'  
Counter guy asks,
'Christian or Muslim?'  
Customer says,
'What the hell does religion have to do with it?
Counter guy says,
'The Muslim one
blows itself up.'

Jeb Bush ...finished even before start

Thank God for small mercies.

Joke: About Moses and Jesus

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

Attention Span

Lexophiles

Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that  have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna  fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take  debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles  U.C.L.A.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a  dress.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was
resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's
all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.