More fun with words and phrases

21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

 

22. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY', THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND?

23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

 

24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

 

25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

 

26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

 

27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

 

28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

 

29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASTEROIDS"?

 

30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

 

31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

 

32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?

 

33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

 

Fun with words and phrases

The Philosophy of Ambiguity and the idiosyncrasies of the English language.
 

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR.

 

2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

 

3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

 

4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

 

5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

 

6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

 

7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

 

8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

 

9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

 

10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

 

11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

 

12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

 

13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

 

14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?

 

15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

 

16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

 

17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

 

18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

 

19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

 

20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

Pearls of Wisdom .... Part 2/5

The only reason that they say, 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
            ~ Jean Kerr

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I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
            ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

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You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
            ~ Jeff Foxworthy

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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
            ~ Prince Philip

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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
            ~ Emo Philips.

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Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
            ~ Harrison Ford

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The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree.
            ~ Spike Milligan

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Pearls of Wisdom .... Part 1/5

Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day. Give him religion and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

            ~ Timothy Jones

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When the white missionaries came to Africa, they had the Bible and we had the land. They said, 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them, we had the Bible and they had the land.
            ~ Desmond Tutu

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America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real, but the moon landing was faked.
            ~ David Letterman

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I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit! I'm a billionaire.
            ~ Howard Hughes

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After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
            ~ Italian proverb

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Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
            ~ Betsy Salkind

Proverbs and Phrases ...... 14

Variety is the spice of life

Virtue is its own reward

Walls have ears

Walnuts and pears you plant for your heirs

Waste not want not

What can't be cured must be endured

What goes up must come down

What you lose on the swings you gain on the roundabouts

What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander

When in Rome, do as the Romans do

When the cat's away the mice will play

When the going gets tough, the tough get going

When the oak is before the ash, then you will only get a splash; when the ash is before the oak, then you may expect a soak

What the eye doesn't see, the heart doesn't grieve over

Where there's a will there's a way

Where there's muck there's brass

While there's life there's hope

Whom the Gods love die young

Why keep a dog and bark yourself?

Women and children first

Wonders will never cease

Work expands so as to fill the time available

Worrying never did anyone any good

You are never too old to learn

You are what you eat

You can have too much of a good thing

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink

You can't have your cake and eat it

You can't get blood out of a stone

You can't make a silk purse from a sow's ear

You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs

You can't make bricks without straw

You can't run with the hare and hunt with the hounds

You can't teach an old dog new tricks

You can't tell a book by looking at its cover

You can't win them all

You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar

You pays your money and you takes your choice

Youth is wasted on the young

Proverbs and Phrases .... 14

To err is human; to forgive divine

To every thing there is a season

To the victor go the spoils

To travel hopefully is a better thing than to arrive

Tomorrow is another day

Tomorrow never comes

Too many cooks spoil the broth

Truth is stranger than fiction

Truth will out

Two blacks don't make a white

Two heads are better than one

Two is company, but three's a crowd

Two wrongs don't make a right

Proverbs and Phrases ..... 13

Take care of the pence and the pounds will take care of themselves

Talk is cheap

Talk of the Devil, and he is bound to appear

Tell the truth and shame the Devil

That which does not kill us makes us stronger

The age of miracles is past

The apple never falls far from the tree

The best defence is a good offence

The best-laid schemes of mice and men gang aft agley

The best things in life are free

The bigger they are, the harder they fall

The bottom line is the bottom line

The boy is father to the man

The bread always falls buttered side down

The child is the father of the man

The cobbler always wears the worst shoes

The course of true love never did run smooth

The customer is always right

The darkest hour is just before the dawn

The devil finds work for idle hands to do

The devil looks after his own

The early bird catches the worm

The end justifies the means

The exception which proves the rule

The female of the species is more deadly than the male

The fruit does not fall far from the tree

The good die young

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence

The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world

The husband is always the last to know

The labourer is worthy of his hire

The leopard does not change his spots

The longest journey starts with a single step

The more the merrier

The more things change, the more they stay the same

The only good Indian is a dead Indian

The opera ain't over till the fat lady sings

The pen is mightier than sword

The price of liberty is eternal vigilance

The proof of the pudding is in the eating

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

The shoemaker's son always goes barefoot

The squeaking wheel gets the grease

The truth will out

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach

There are more ways of killing a cat than choking it with cream

There are none so blind as those, that will not see

There are two sides to every question

There but for the grace of God, go I

There's a time and a place for everything

There's an exception to every rule

There's always more fish in the sea

There's honour among thieves

There's many a good tune played on an old fiddle

There's many a slip 'twixt cup and lip

There's more than one way to skin a cat

There's no accounting for tastes

There's no fool like an old fool

There's no place like home

There's no smoke without fire

There's no such thing as a free lunch

There's no such thing as bad publicity

There's no time like the present

There's none so blind as those who will not see

There's none so deaf as those who will not hear

There's nowt so queer as folk

There's one born every minute

There's safety in numbers

They that sow the wind, shall reap the whirlwind

Third time lucky

Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it

Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones

Those who sleep with dogs will rise with fleas

Time and tide wait for no man

Time flies

Time is a great healer

Time is money

Time will tell

'tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all

Proverbs and Phrases ..... 10

Parsley seed goes nine times to the Devil

Patience is a virtue

Pearls of wisdom

Penny wise and pound foolish

People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones

Physician, heal thyself

Possession is nine points of the law

Power corrupts; absolute power corrupts absolutely

Practice makes perfect

Practice what you preach

Prevention is better than cure

Pride goes before a fall

Procrastination is the thief of time

Put your best foot forward

Rain before seven, fine before eleven

Red sky at night shepherd's delight; red sky in the morning, shepherd's warning

Revenge is a dish best served cold

Revenge is sweet

Rob Peter to pay Paul

Rome wasn't built in a day