I think this is from 1967 or thereabouts.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Joke: Doctor's office
They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients..
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said; "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said; "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you", he said.
The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man replied; "You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked; "Yes??" "There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't pee out of it", he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter...
Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients..
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said; "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said; "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you", he said.
The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man replied; "You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked; "Yes??" "There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't pee out of it", he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter...
Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!
Joke: English Language ... No speakahda
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! .. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.'
The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!" She retorted indignantly.
'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"
'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..
$5.00 says you're gonna read this again!
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! .. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.'
The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!" She retorted indignantly.
'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"
'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..
$5.00 says you're gonna read this again!
Joke: Italian Trip
A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers : 'Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?'
The husband laughs and says: 'An Italian girl !!!'
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: '
So, honey, how was the trip?'
'Very good, thank you.'
'And, what happened to my present?'
'Which present?' She asked.
'The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!'
'Oh, that' she said
'Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for 9 months to see if it is a girl !!!'
Moral of the story: Don't tempt a woman, they are dangerously intelligent!
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Joke: God and Drunks
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife."Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife."Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.
Joke: Differences between Catholics and Presbyterian
A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where
he met a little girl coming from the other direction
"Hello," said the little boy.
"Hi," replied the little girl.
"Where you going?" asked the little boy.
"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home," Answered the little girl.
"I'm also on my way home from church.
Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.
"I go to the Catholic church back down the road," replied the little girl.
"What about you?"
"I go to the Presbyterian church back at the top of the hill," replied the little boy.
They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.
They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.
"If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive," said the little girl.
"My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet," replied the little boy.
"I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across."
"That's a good idea," replied the little boy.
"I'm going to do the same thing with my suit."So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet.
They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked:
'You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between a
CATHOLIC and a PRESBYTERIAN!!
he met a little girl coming from the other direction
"Hello," said the little boy.
"Hi," replied the little girl.
"Where you going?" asked the little boy.
"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home," Answered the little girl.
"I'm also on my way home from church.
Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.
"I go to the Catholic church back down the road," replied the little girl.
"What about you?"
"I go to the Presbyterian church back at the top of the hill," replied the little boy.
They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.
They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.
"If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive," said the little girl.
"My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet," replied the little boy.
"I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across."
"That's a good idea," replied the little boy.
"I'm going to do the same thing with my suit."So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet.
They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked:
'You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between a
CATHOLIC and a PRESBYTERIAN!!
Joke: The Adventures of a Wedding Ring
A man went to the hospital Emergency Room to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.
According to the nurse attending, the patient and his girlfriend had a few drinks and then sex. Afterwards, she found the wedding ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring onto his penis while he was asleep.
I don't know what's worse:
1. Having your girlfriend find out you're married.
2. Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got onto your penis.
3. Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.
According to the nurse attending, the patient and his girlfriend had a few drinks and then sex. Afterwards, she found the wedding ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring onto his penis while he was asleep.
I don't know what's worse:
1. Having your girlfriend find out you're married.
2. Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got onto your penis.
3. Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.
Joke: Farmers and lawyers
A farmer named Bertie had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Misty Company.
In court, the Misty Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Bertie.
'Didn't you say to the police the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Bertie responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Bertie said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '
The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Bertie's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Bertie thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side.. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her.. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'
'Now wot da heck would you say?'
In court, the Misty Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Bertie.
'Didn't you say to the police the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Bertie responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Bertie said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '
The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Bertie's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Bertie thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side.. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her.. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'
'Now wot da heck would you say?'
Joke: Arab passenger
An Arab Muslim enters a taxi cab in Dallas, Texas..........
Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and; in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music, which is music of the infidel's and certainly no radio ........
So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, pulls over to the side, stops the cab and opens the back door. The Arab asks him: “What are you doing man?” The Texan answers: “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis. So get your ass out and wait for a camel.
Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and; in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music, which is music of the infidel's and certainly no radio ........
So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, pulls over to the side, stops the cab and opens the back door. The Arab asks him: “What are you doing man?” The Texan answers: “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis. So get your ass out and wait for a camel.
Joke: The blonde and the Queen of England
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and
you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?'
'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven,
A Royal Flush
Beats a Pair -
No Matter How Big They Are.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and
you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?'
'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven,
A Royal Flush
Beats a Pair -
No Matter How Big They Are.
Joke: Reality Bites
There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf.
One day in his despair he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have either arm!
He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk, so happy and going on with his life."
He hurried down and caught up with the armless man. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had almost committed suicide. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with zero arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again. The one-armed man asked, 'Why are you so happy, anyway?'
He said, 'I'm NOT happy!! My balls itch."
One day in his despair he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have either arm!
He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk, so happy and going on with his life."
He hurried down and caught up with the armless man. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had almost committed suicide. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with zero arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again. The one-armed man asked, 'Why are you so happy, anyway?'
He said, 'I'm NOT happy!! My balls itch."
Joke: Security System
HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM
1. Go to a seconds store and buy a pair of size 14 -16 men's work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns N Ammo Magazine.
3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads ......
Bubba,
Bertha, Duke, Slim and I gone for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls. They got the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back.
Cooter
1. Go to a seconds store and buy a pair of size 14 -16 men's work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns N Ammo Magazine.
3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads ......
Bubba,
Bertha, Duke, Slim and I gone for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls. They got the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back.
Cooter
Joke: Past Sinful Life
A bloke goes to Wal-Mart and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says: 'Hello!
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says: 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies: 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he says:
'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I had sex with on the pool table with all my mates watching while your partner whipped my bum with wet celery?'
She looks into his eyes with shock and says:
'No, I'm your son's school teacher.' !!!!!
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says: 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies: 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he says:
'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I had sex with on the pool table with all my mates watching while your partner whipped my bum with wet celery?'
She looks into his eyes with shock and says:
'No, I'm your son's school teacher.' !!!!!
Joke: This one's about a redhead
A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table..He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet
No she said ... you just happened to catch my eye
I know, I know .... not as funny as "blonde" jokes right? This proves we gotta stick to the real McCoy always. Redheads can't beat Blondes.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Joke: Pray for Peace
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a brick wall.!!!!
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a brick wall.!!!!
Joke: To Screw or to ....
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1964, and Fred had a date with Peggy.
He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
'Oh, come on in!' Peggy's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
'Have a seat in the living room.
Would you like something to drink?
Lemonade? Iced tea?'
'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mum brought the iced tea.
'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.
'Oh, probably catch a film, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the Berni Inn, maybe take a walk on the beach..'
'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him.
'Really?' Fred replied, his eyebrows rising.
'Oh yes,' the mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do! Screw, again and again !!'
'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.
'Yes,' said the mother.'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'
'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternative plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hooped skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.
She greeted Fred.
'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.
Two hours later, a completely dishevelled Peggy burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
'The Twist, Mum!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen.
'The bloody dance is called the Twist !!!'
He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
'Oh, come on in!' Peggy's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
'Have a seat in the living room.
Would you like something to drink?
Lemonade? Iced tea?'
'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mum brought the iced tea.
'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.
'Oh, probably catch a film, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the Berni Inn, maybe take a walk on the beach..'
'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him.
'Really?' Fred replied, his eyebrows rising.
'Oh yes,' the mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do! Screw, again and again !!'
'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.
'Yes,' said the mother.'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'
'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternative plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hooped skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.
She greeted Fred.
'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.
Two hours later, a completely dishevelled Peggy burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
'The Twist, Mum!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen.
'The bloody dance is called the Twist !!!'
Joke: Tormented Parents
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick. So he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'Hello ? '
'Is your daddy home?' ' Yes, he's out in the garden ,' whispered the small voice. 'May I talk with him?'The child whispered, ' No .' ;
So the boss asked, 'Well, is your Mommy there?' 'Yes, she's out in the garden too '& The boss asked; 'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No .' Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?' ' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman.. '
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?' ' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child. 'Busy doing what?' ' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men. ' Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?' ' It's a helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. ' The search team just landed a helicopter ' 'A search team?' said the boss. 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle.... ' ME
'Is your daddy home?' ' Yes, he's out in the garden ,' whispered the small voice. 'May I talk with him?'The child whispered, ' No .' ;
So the boss asked, 'Well, is your Mommy there?' 'Yes, she's out in the garden too '& The boss asked; 'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No .' Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?' ' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman.. '
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?' ' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child. 'Busy doing what?' ' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men. ' Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?' ' It's a helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. ' The search team just landed a helicopter ' 'A search team?' said the boss. 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle.... ' ME
Joke: Statues and Sex (of a kind anyway)
There are two statues in a park; One of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life!!!!!!!!
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we?'
She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions . . . this time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we?'
She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions . . . this time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'
Joke: Delusional Lefty Sponger
Last night, my daughter just walked into the living room and said,
"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately. Throw out all my clothes, take away my TV, my stereo, my iPhone, and my iPod. Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or give it to Goodwill. Then sell my car, my horse, and laptop. Take my front door key away from me, throw me out of the house and rent my room out. You must disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my sisters."
Well, she didn't put it quite like that.
She actually said:
“Dad, I have decided to work for Obama's re-election campaign”.
"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately. Throw out all my clothes, take away my TV, my stereo, my iPhone, and my iPod. Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or give it to Goodwill. Then sell my car, my horse, and laptop. Take my front door key away from me, throw me out of the house and rent my room out. You must disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my sisters."
Well, she didn't put it quite like that.
She actually said:
“Dad, I have decided to work for Obama's re-election campaign”.
Joke: Lone Ranger and his horse Silver
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured By a hostile Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaimed, "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger"...
"In honor of the Buffalo Hunt, YOU will be sacrificed in three days."
"Before we kill you, I grant you three requests" "What is your FIRST request?'
The Lone Ranger said, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nodded and Silver was brought before the Lone Ranger who whispered in Silver's ear, and the horse galloped away.
Later that evening, Silver returned with A beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watched, The blonde entered the Lone Ranger's tent And spent the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admitted That he was impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, But we will still kill you in two days."
"What is your SECOND request?"
The Lone Ranger again asked to speak to his horse. Silver came to him, and he again whispered in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver took off and disappeared over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returned, This time with a voluptuous brunette, Even more attractive than the blonde.
She entered the Lone Ranger's tent And spent the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief said: "You are indeed a man of many talents,"
"But we will still kill you tomorrow." "What is your LAST request?"
The Lone Ranger responded, "I'd like to speak to my horse - alone."
The Chief was curious, but he agreed, And Silver was brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they were alone, The Lone Ranger grabbed Silver by both ears,
Looked him square in the eye and said, Listen Very Carefully! FOR...THE...LAST...TIME....
"BRING POSSE!"
The Indian Chief proclaimed, "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger"...
"In honor of the Buffalo Hunt, YOU will be sacrificed in three days."
"Before we kill you, I grant you three requests" "What is your FIRST request?'
The Lone Ranger said, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nodded and Silver was brought before the Lone Ranger who whispered in Silver's ear, and the horse galloped away.
Later that evening, Silver returned with A beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watched, The blonde entered the Lone Ranger's tent And spent the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admitted That he was impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, But we will still kill you in two days."
"What is your SECOND request?"
The Lone Ranger again asked to speak to his horse. Silver came to him, and he again whispered in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver took off and disappeared over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returned, This time with a voluptuous brunette, Even more attractive than the blonde.
She entered the Lone Ranger's tent And spent the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief said: "You are indeed a man of many talents,"
"But we will still kill you tomorrow." "What is your LAST request?"
The Lone Ranger responded, "I'd like to speak to my horse - alone."
The Chief was curious, but he agreed, And Silver was brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they were alone, The Lone Ranger grabbed Silver by both ears,
Looked him square in the eye and said, Listen Very Carefully! FOR...THE...LAST...TIME....
"BRING POSSE!"
Joke: The much married wife
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Joke: The Blonde in the Pilot seat
A blonde is flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. The pilot has a heart attack and dies.
She frantically picks up the microphone and radios, "May Day! May Day ! Help me ! Help me ! My pilot has had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly. Help me ! "
The Tower comes on: "This is the Tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just Relax. Everything will be fine ! Now give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
"O.K." says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father, Who Art in Heaven . . ."
She frantically picks up the microphone and radios, "May Day! May Day ! Help me ! Help me ! My pilot has had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly. Help me ! "
The Tower comes on: "This is the Tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just Relax. Everything will be fine ! Now give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
"O.K." says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father, Who Art in Heaven . . ."
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Joke: The drunk Irish priest
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'
'Just water,' says the priest.
The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'
The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'
He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'
'Just water,' says the priest.
The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'
The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'
Jokes: GPS override, Arab and his 18 holes,
Friend #1: Are You Visiting Us Tomorrow? Do You Need Directions?
Friend #2: I'm All Set. I Have The Address, A GPS, And A GPS Override.
Friend #1: What's A GPS Override?
Friend #2: My Wife.
..............................
Chinese : I Have 10 Children. 1 More and I Will Have My Own Football Team.
Arab : I Have 17 Wives, 1 More and I Will Have My Private Golf Course Of 18 Holes.
...................
Friend #2: I'm All Set. I Have The Address, A GPS, And A GPS Override.
Friend #1: What's A GPS Override?
Friend #2: My Wife.
..............................
Chinese : I Have 10 Children. 1 More and I Will Have My Own Football Team.
Arab : I Have 17 Wives, 1 More and I Will Have My Private Golf Course Of 18 Holes.
...................
Quotable quotes : Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh .... Part II
These quotes are attributed to Prince Philip long before the disease of "political correctness" descended on Earth and made us all dumb and dull.
"It looks as if it was put in by an Indian." Of a fuse box , whilst on a tour of a factory in Edinburgh, Scotland, in 1999
"Well, you'll never fly in it, you're too fat to be an astronaut" Said at the University of Salford to a 13-year-old aspiring astronaut.
"There's a lot of your family in tonight."Said in November 2009 to a Mr Patel (a common Indian Surname) at a reception for 400 British Indian businessmen.
"You can't have been here that long — you haven't got a pot belly." Said to a Briton in Budapest, Hungary in 1993
"Deaf? If you are near there, no wonder you are deaf." On a visit to the new National Assembly for Wales in Cardiff, said to a group of deaf children standing next to a Jamaican steel drum band,
"Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed." In 1981, in reference to an economic recession
"A gun is no more dangerous than a cricket bat in the hands of a madman."As quoted in "Deaf insulted by duke's remark" BBC News (27 May 1999
"You have mosquitoes. I have the Press." In a 1966 conversation with the matron of a hospital while on a tour of the Caribbean
"It looks as if it was put in by an Indian." Of a fuse box , whilst on a tour of a factory in Edinburgh, Scotland, in 1999
"Well, you'll never fly in it, you're too fat to be an astronaut" Said at the University of Salford to a 13-year-old aspiring astronaut.
"There's a lot of your family in tonight."Said in November 2009 to a Mr Patel (a common Indian Surname) at a reception for 400 British Indian businessmen.
"You can't have been here that long — you haven't got a pot belly." Said to a Briton in Budapest, Hungary in 1993
"Deaf? If you are near there, no wonder you are deaf." On a visit to the new National Assembly for Wales in Cardiff, said to a group of deaf children standing next to a Jamaican steel drum band,
"Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed." In 1981, in reference to an economic recession
"A gun is no more dangerous than a cricket bat in the hands of a madman."As quoted in "Deaf insulted by duke's remark" BBC News (27 May 1999
"You have mosquitoes. I have the Press." In a 1966 conversation with the matron of a hospital while on a tour of the Caribbean
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Witty Signs for your profession
Sign over a Gynaecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tyre Store
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Vets waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**********************
Sign on the back of yet another
Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
**************
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tyre Store
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Vets waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**********************
Sign on the back of yet another
Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
**************
Saturday, January 14, 2012
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