Wisdom and humor from the rich and famous? Hah!

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..' - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter) <><>  I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.' - Eleanor Roosevelt <><>  Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.. - Mark Twain <><>  The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible - George Burns <><>  Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge <><>  Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain <><>  By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates <><>  I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx <><>  My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante <><>  I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor <><>  Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine <><>  My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Rodney Dangerfield <><>  Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan <><>  Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP . - Joe Namath <><>  I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope <><>  I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.. - W. C. Fields <><>  We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers <><>  Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill <><>  Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.. - Phyllis Diller <><>  By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and may nothing but happiness come through your door.