Football Team

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."

"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."

That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

"You're in the team for this Saturday!!!"

Obama funnies 2013 ... Part IV

Sheep Fries and the Frenchman

There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with his farm ... especially, the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the Females.

He hired a Frenchman who didn't speak much English, but was a very good worker.

After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his  French worker was just about to throw away the severed, "parts", when the sheep farmer yelled: "No -- Don't throw those away -- "My wife
 fries them up and we eat them ... they're delicious, and we call them 'sheep fries."

Later that day, the French hired-hand came in for supper and, indeed,  he thought that the "sheep fries" were very tasty.

The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and that evening they all settled down to another supper of "sheep fries".
On the third day, however, when the sheep farmer came in for supper,  he asked his wife where the French hired-hand was.

 "You know, it's the weirdest thing," she said. "I told him that since there weren't that many "sheep fries" this evening, we were also going to have French Fries ...and he ran like his ass was on fire!" 

Obama funnies for 2013 ... Part III

Oops ! Pardon me

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from  Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't  like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them...

Oh my God, what have I just said?"

Obama funnies for 2013 ... Part II

On Doctors and Patients

Let me tell you about my doctor. He's very good! If you tell him you want a
second opinion, He'll go out and come in again.

He doctor treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years Before he realized she
was Chinese.

Another time,  he a patient six months to live. At the end of the six months,
the patient hadn't paid his bill, So, the doctor gave him another six months.

While he was talking to a patient his nurse came in and said, "Doctor, there is a man
here who thinks he's invisible." The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him."

Another time, a man came running in the office and yelled, "Doctor, doctor! - my
son just swallowed a roll of film!" The doctor calmly replied, "Let's just wait
and see what develops."

One patient came in and said, "Doctor, I have a serious memory problem." The
doctor asked, "When did it start?" The man replied, "When did what start?"

I remember one time I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears. His advice:"Don't
answer it."

My doctor sure has his share of nut cases. One said to him, "Doctor, I think I'm a
bell." The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Here, take these - If they don't
work, give me a ring."

Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards. The doctor
simply said, "Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later."

When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, He told me to stop going to
those places.

You know, doctors can be so frustrating. You wait a month and a half for an
appointment, Then he says,"I wish you had come to me sooner."

Obama funnies for 2013 .... Part I

Pearls of Wisdom ... Part 4/5

If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
            ~ Johnny Carson

*****

I don't believe in astrology.  I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
            ~ Arthur C. Clarke

*****

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
            ~ Steve Martin

*****

Home cooking.  Where many a man thinks his wife is.
            ~ Jimmy Durante

*****

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
            ~ John Glenn

*****

If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?
            ~ Steven Wright

*****

Unusual Tombstones ... Part Four

Little Larry with Mom and Dad .... 2/2

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ...'

.......

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'

Unusual Tombstones .... Part Three

Little Larry and teachers ... 1/2

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

...........

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

.........

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'  Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
.........

Unusual Tombstones ... Part Two

Holy Prostitutes

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads: 
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son? '

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

Unusual Tombstones .... part One

Apology Letters

From Him to Her: Hi Sweetheart, I am sorry about getting into an argument about putting up the Christmas lights. I guess that sometimes I feel like you are pushing me too hard when you want something. I realize that I was wrong and I am apologizing for being such a hard-headed guy. All I want is for you to be happy and be able to enjoy the holiday season. Nothing brightens the Christmas spirit like Christmas lights! I took the time to hang the lights for you today; and now I will be off to the hockey rink. Again, I am very sorry for the way I acted yesterday. I'll be home later. Love you…… ..............................  From Her to Him:  Hi Honey, Thank you for that heart-felt apology. I don't often get an apology from you, and I truly appreciate it. I, too, felt bad about the argument and wanted to apologize. I realize that I can sometimes be a little pushy. I will try to respect your feelings from now on.Thank you for taking the time to hang the Christmas lights for me. It really means a lot. In the spirit of giving, I washed your truck for you; and now I am off to the mall. I love you too!

Pearls of Wisdom .... part 3/5

Lawyers believe that a man is innocent until proven broke.
            ~ Robin Hall

*****

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
            ~ Jean Rostand.

*****

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
            ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

*****

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
            ~ W.H. Auden

*****

In hotel rooms I worry.  I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
            ~ Jonathan Katz

*****

A flower that blooms only 3 days every 40 years

Unbelievable.

The largest flower in the world  blossoms in Blanco, Veracruz, Mexico. 
2 meters high and weighing 75 kilos, it has the peculiarity of blooming only during three days every 40 years. 
You'd only see it once or twice in a lifetime! 

  
      
  
   

 

 Amorphophallus  Titanum (Araceae), also called  "Cadaverous flower" has the  peculiarity of  blooming only during three days every 40 years, a privilege that Mother Nature bestowed on this  town in Veracruz . 

Pearls of Wisdom .... Part 2/5

The only reason that they say, 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
            ~ Jean Kerr

*****

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
            ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

*****

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
            ~ Jeff Foxworthy

*****

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
            ~ Prince Philip

*****

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
            ~ Emo Philips.

*****

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
            ~ Harrison Ford

*****

The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree.
            ~ Spike Milligan

*****

Wedding Party at Fawlty Towers

Pearls of Wisdom .... Part 1/5

Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day. Give him religion and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

            ~ Timothy Jones

*****

When the white missionaries came to Africa, they had the Bible and we had the land. They said, 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them, we had the Bible and they had the land.
            ~ Desmond Tutu

*****

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real, but the moon landing was faked.
            ~ David Letterman

*****

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit! I'm a billionaire.
            ~ Howard Hughes

*****

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
            ~ Italian proverb

*****

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
            ~ Betsy Salkind

Man and a Woman marooned on an island

If anybody visiting my blog is wondering where I get all the stuff  I  upload here.... it's from emails I receive from friends and relatives.  There usually is so much good stuff there that that was the inspiration of starting this blog and saving the stuff here before deleting the emails.


One day a man decided to retire...


He booked himself on a Caribbean
cruise and proceeded to have the
time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.


After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks,"Where did you
come from? How did you get here?" 
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to
have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman."I made
the boat out of some raw material I found
on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a
Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman.
"On the south side of the island, a very
unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed.
I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that
to make tools and used the tools to
make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon
docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man
looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a
cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the row boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."

"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"Oh it's not coconut juice," winks the woman.
"I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement,
the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,
"I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing
but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down
next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.
You must have been lonely. When was the
last time you played around?  She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing."You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, !
!
!
!
!
!
!
! "You've built a Golf Course?" 

Blonde Men .... 4/4

A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?" He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy!" he replies. 

------------------------------------

A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him

hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blond replies. "It should be around your neck" says the guard. "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."

------------------------------------

(This one actually makes sense.)
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do Scuba divers

always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

Maxine knows how to drive lefties nuts.... 5/5

Blonde Men ..... 3/4

A blond man shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" 
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"

------------------------------------

A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road. The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"

------------------------------------

Cartoons that make lefties go nuts ... 3/5

Blonde Men .... 2/4

A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?" He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine." 

------------------------------

A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me." The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."

------------------------------------

A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up. 
------------------------------------

Cartoons that make lefties go nuts .... 3/5

Blonde Men jokes .... 1/4

A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year." The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th." 

------------------------------------

Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take

them to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?" The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

------------------------------------

A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday." 

..................

Cartoons that make lefties go nuts .... 2/5

Driving a hearse is not easy

Just a Tap on the Shoulder   A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."   The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault.

Today is my first day driving a cab . . . . . . I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Cartoons to make lefties froth at the mouth ... 1/5

Suicide Bombers' Strike ... more Labor Union problems

BBC NEWSMuslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a
three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of
virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks
with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that
the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his
death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A
spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of
suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the
afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of
Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement
saying the move was to its members and called for a strike vote.
General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are
literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We
don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is
like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Ti pton in the West Midlands ,
Al Qaeda chief executive Haisheet Mapants explained, "I
sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not
in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not
accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive
marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic
shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice
between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like
cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff
that they won't be able to blow themselves up.

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England,
Ireland , Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that
the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few
virgins in their areas anyway.

According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the
number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence
of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim jihadists now
know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their
benefit packages.