Joke: What's 2 + 5 ?

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....' His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?' The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.' 'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked 'Yes,' he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you teaching my son in math?' The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.' The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?' After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.' 

Joke: The burglar who met Jesus and Moses

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

Conan O'Brien's jokes and pokes at Obama .... 5

"One of President Obama's goals tonight is to win back female voters. Which explains why Obama is going to answer every question with a passage from 'Fifty Shades of Grey.'" –Conan O'Brien

...........

"The Obama campaign is releasing a new ad showing Americans whose financial situation has improved over the past four years. Unfortunately, the only person who appears in the ad is Mitt Romney." –Conan O'Brien

.............

"Conservatives are now criticizing President Obama because as a child in Indonesia he sometimes ate dog meat. But on the plus side, Obama is now polling very well among cats." –Conan O'Brien

..............

Conan O'Brien's jokes and pokes at Obama ..... 4

"Donald Trump said he'd give $5 million to charity if President Obama released his college transcripts. Obama responded by sending Trump a full transcript from his alma mater, the University of Shove It Up Your Ass." –Conan O'Brien

............

"Tonight President Obama and Mitt Romney hold their final debate in Boca Raton, Florida. The topic of the debate is what is more shocking to see in Boca Raton, a Mormon or a black guy." –Conan O'Brien

............

"Endorsements are rolling in. The Atheist Party has endorsed Obama for president. When told the news Obama said, 'Thank God.'" –Conan O'Brien

.................

Conan O'Brien's jokes and pokes at Obama .... 3

"Some Republicans are saying that due to his current scandals, President Obama should be impeached. In response, Obama laughed and said, 'Two words fellas: President Biden.'" --Conan O'Brien

.............

"President Obama's inauguration is coming up. During next week's inauguration, he will be sworn in with not one, but two Bibles. Relax, Mr. President. We get it. You're not a Muslim. You're overcompensating." –Conan O'Brien

..............

Conan O'Brien's jokes and pokes at Obama ..... 2

"Syria's President Assad referred to President Obama as weak. Obama is so angry he plans to ask Congress for permission to come up with a good comeback." –Conan O'Brien

.................

"This weekend President Obama celebrated his 52nd birthday. For his birthday, Michelle Obama jumped out of a cake and told him he's not allowed to have any." –Conan O'Brien

.............

Suicide Bombers' Strike ... more Labor Union problems

BBC NEWSMuslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a
three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of
virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks
with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that
the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his
death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A
spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of
suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the
afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of
Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement
saying the move was to its members and called for a strike vote.
General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are
literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We
don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is
like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Ti pton in the West Midlands ,
Al Qaeda chief executive Haisheet Mapants explained, "I
sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not
in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not
accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive
marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic
shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice
between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like
cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff
that they won't be able to blow themselves up.

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England,
Ireland , Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that
the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few
virgins in their areas anyway.

According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the
number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence
of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim jihadists now
know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their
benefit packages.

Joke: Obama and Gun Control

Barack Obama at a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas, asked the audience for total quiet.

Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, child in America dies from gun violence.'

Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl,pierced the quiet and said:

''Well, dumbass, stop clapping"
.........

Kid has not been taught the fine art of Political Correctness.   Off to the gulag with him and his parents !!!

Joke: Government Jobs

John goes to his city's Municipality to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes - coffee."

"Have you ever been in the military service?

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says,"That will give you 5 extra points towards employment." Then he asks,"Are you disabled in any way?"

John says,"Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. To 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow from 10:00 AM every day."

John is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why do you want me to start here from10:00 A.M.?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point you coming in for that."

Joke: Barber and the "community service" haircuts

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen other Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.


BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS
NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN
AND
FOR THE SAME REASON!

A Congress of Baboons

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals. We are all familiar with
a Herd ofcows,
a Flock of chickens,
a School of fish
and a Gaggle of geese.

However, less widely known is:
a Pride of lions,
a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens),
an Exaltation of doves
and, presumably because they look so wise:
a Parliament of owls.

Now consider a group of Baboons.  They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.  And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?

Believe it or not ……. a Congress!



A CONGRESS OF BABOONS!

I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington

How to get loud cellphone speakers to STFU

After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson .

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

 

"Hi sweetheart it's Eric, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting - no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc.

Fifteen minutes later at St. Anne de Bellevue he was still talking loudly , when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice:

 

"Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!"

My guess would be that Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer

Obama's supporters

Today I had to run to our local grocery store.  As I approached the entrance,
I noticed a driver looking for a parking space.    

I flagged the driver and pointed out a parking space in the handicap area.
The driver looked puzzled. 

''I'm not handicapped'' she said.  

Well, was my face red. ''Oh, sorry about that, I saw your Obama sticker and just presumed...''

She gave me the finger and called me some nasty names.

Sheesh!  Some people... and you're just trying to help them.

Joke: English Language ... No speakahda

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! .. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!" She retorted indignantly.

'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..

$5.00 says you're gonna read this again!

Joke: The drunk Irish priest

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

Jokes: GPS override, Arab and his 18 holes,

Friend #1: Are You Visiting Us Tomorrow? Do You Need Directions?

Friend #2: I'm All Set. I Have The Address, A GPS, And A GPS Override.

Friend #1: What's A GPS Override?

Friend #2: My Wife.

..............................

Chinese : I Have 10 Children. 1 More and I Will Have My Own Football Team.

Arab : I Have 17 Wives, 1 More and I Will Have My Private Golf Course Of 18 Holes.

...................