Joke: What's 2 + 5 ?

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....' His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?' The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.' 'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked 'Yes,' he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you teaching my son in math?' The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.' The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?' After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.' 

Joke: The burglar who met Jesus and Moses

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

Fishy Politicians

Wisdom and humor from the rich and famous? Hah!

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..' - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter) <><>  I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.' - Eleanor Roosevelt <><>  Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.. - Mark Twain <><>  The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible - George Burns <><>  Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge <><>  Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain <><>  By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates <><>  I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx <><>  My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante <><>  I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor <><>  Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine <><>  My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Rodney Dangerfield <><>  Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan <><>  Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP . - Joe Namath <><>  I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope <><>  I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.. - W. C. Fields <><>  We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers <><>  Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill <><>  Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.. - Phyllis Diller <><>  By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and may nothing but happiness come through your door.

British HAHAHAHA

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit the Middle East .
Two million Muslims died  And over a million were injured.. 
 
Iraq and Iran are totally ruined,

The governments don't know where To start with providing help to rebuild. 

The rest of the world is in shock.
 
The USA is sending troops to help. 
 
Saudi Arabia is sending oil. 
 
Latin American countries are sending Supplies.
 
New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops. 
 
The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding the Infrastructure. 
 
Canada is sending medical teams and supplies. 
 
GREAT BRITAIN , not to be outdone.....
Is sending two million replacement Muslims. 
Damn those Brits are smart !! 

Peanut Picker

Designer Swim Suits

Obama funnies for 2013 ... Part VI of VI ... for now

Obama funnies 2013 .... Part V

Obama funnies 2013 ... Part IV

Sheep Fries and the Frenchman

There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with his farm ... especially, the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the Females.

He hired a Frenchman who didn't speak much English, but was a very good worker.

After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his  French worker was just about to throw away the severed, "parts", when the sheep farmer yelled: "No -- Don't throw those away -- "My wife
 fries them up and we eat them ... they're delicious, and we call them 'sheep fries."

Later that day, the French hired-hand came in for supper and, indeed,  he thought that the "sheep fries" were very tasty.

The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and that evening they all settled down to another supper of "sheep fries".
On the third day, however, when the sheep farmer came in for supper,  he asked his wife where the French hired-hand was.

 "You know, it's the weirdest thing," she said. "I told him that since there weren't that many "sheep fries" this evening, we were also going to have French Fries ...and he ran like his ass was on fire!" 

Obama funnies for 2013 ... Part III

Oops ! Pardon me

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from  Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't  like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them...

Oh my God, what have I just said?"

Obama funnies for 2013 ... Part II

Obama funnies for 2013 .... Part I