Wisdom and humor from the rich and famous? Hah!

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..' - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter) <><>  I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.' - Eleanor Roosevelt <><>  Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.. - Mark Twain <><>  The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible - George Burns <><>  Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge <><>  Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain <><>  By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates <><>  I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx <><>  My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante <><>  I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor <><>  Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine <><>  My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Rodney Dangerfield <><>  Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan <><>  Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP . - Joe Namath <><>  I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope <><>  I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.. - W. C. Fields <><>  We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers <><>  Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill <><>  Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.. - Phyllis Diller <><>  By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and may nothing but happiness come through your door.

Pearls of Wisdom .... Part 5/5

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
            ~ Doug Hamwell

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The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
            ~ George Roberts

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If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
            ~ Jonathan Winters

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I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
            ~ Robert Benchley

Pearls of Wisdom ... Part 4/5

If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
            ~ Johnny Carson

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I don't believe in astrology.  I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
            ~ Arthur C. Clarke

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Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
            ~ Steve Martin

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Home cooking.  Where many a man thinks his wife is.
            ~ Jimmy Durante

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As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
            ~ John Glenn

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If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?
            ~ Steven Wright

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Pearls of Wisdom .... part 3/5

Lawyers believe that a man is innocent until proven broke.
            ~ Robin Hall

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Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
            ~ Jean Rostand.

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Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
            ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

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We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
            ~ W.H. Auden

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In hotel rooms I worry.  I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
            ~ Jonathan Katz

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Pearls of Wisdom .... Part 2/5

The only reason that they say, 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
            ~ Jean Kerr

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I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
            ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

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You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
            ~ Jeff Foxworthy

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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
            ~ Prince Philip

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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
            ~ Emo Philips.

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Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
            ~ Harrison Ford

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The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree.
            ~ Spike Milligan

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Pearls of Wisdom .... Part 1/5

Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day. Give him religion and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

            ~ Timothy Jones

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When the white missionaries came to Africa, they had the Bible and we had the land. They said, 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them, we had the Bible and they had the land.
            ~ Desmond Tutu

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America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real, but the moon landing was faked.
            ~ David Letterman

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I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit! I'm a billionaire.
            ~ Howard Hughes

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After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
            ~ Italian proverb

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Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
            ~ Betsy Salkind

Quotable quotes : Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh .... Part II

These quotes are attributed to Prince Philip long before the disease of "political correctness" descended on Earth and made us all dumb and dull.


"It looks as if it was put in by an Indian." Of a fuse box , whilst on a tour of a factory in Edinburgh, Scotland, in 1999

"Well, you'll never fly in it, you're too fat to be an astronaut" Said at the University of Salford to a 13-year-old aspiring astronaut.

"There's a lot of your family in tonight."Said in November 2009 to a Mr Patel (a common Indian Surname) at a reception for 400 British Indian businessmen.

"You can't have been here that long — you haven't got a pot belly." Said to a Briton in Budapest, Hungary in 1993

"Deaf? If you are near there, no wonder you are deaf." On a visit to the new National Assembly for Wales in Cardiff, said to a group of deaf children standing next to a Jamaican steel drum band,

"Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed." In 1981, in reference to an economic recession

"A gun is no more dangerous than a cricket bat in the hands of a madman."As quoted in "Deaf insulted by duke's remark" BBC News (27 May 1999

"You have mosquitoes. I have the Press." In a 1966 conversation with the matron of a hospital while on a tour of the Caribbean