The things kids say !!

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST. KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. 

THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN. 
  
1.IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2.ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3.LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4.THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5.SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6.SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES. 

7.MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS 


8,THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS 

9.THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE. 

10.THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY. 

11.MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.


12.THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13.DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14.SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15.WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA. 

16.WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER. 

17.JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18.ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19.JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU.  HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20.IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21.THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22.THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23.ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24.ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25.CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE.  THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

Pearls of Wisdom .... Part 5/5

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
            ~ Doug Hamwell

*****

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
            ~ George Roberts

*****

If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
            ~ Jonathan Winters

*****

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
            ~ Robert Benchley

Holy Prostitutes

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads: 
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son? '

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

More Bible humor

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?


A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep
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Q. Which Bible character had no parents?


A. Joshua, son of Nun.
......
 
PS: Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?


Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . 'He-brews'

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Bible humor

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?


A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
......
 
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
 
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Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.

David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.

Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
.........
 
Q.. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
........
 
Q. Which area of Middle East was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan . The banks were always overflowing