Inflatable Dolls ... the one that can blow

Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says , 'Male or female?'
Customer says, 'Female.'
Counter guy ask,
'Black or white?
Customer says, 'White.'  
Counter guy asks,
'Christian or Muslim?'  
Customer says,
'What the hell does religion have to do with it?
Counter guy says,
'The Muslim one
blows itself up.'

Legacy of George Bush

This pic of one of the members of the supposedly pious Christian family Bush, is superimposed on the hundreds of US soldiers killed in the unwarranted war on Iraq during that family member's tenure as the President of the USA.  The number of Iraqis killed during same time is close to a million. The number of Iraq war veterans dying by committing suicide or locked up in lunatic asylums is a well kept secret.

Need Help?

As I was driving home this week worrying about all the crap going on in Washington, Ottawa, London, Moscow, Ukraine etc. and at how America is falling apart, I saw a yard sign that said:

NEED HELP?
CALL JESUS
1-800-005-3787

Out of curiosity and desperation, I did.

A Mexican answered the phone wanting to cut my grass…

Kids and Sunday school fun

DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"

"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."

 .................

HIGHER POWER

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"

One child blurted out, "Aces!"

 .......................

MOSES AND THE RED SEA

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt . When he got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his Mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom, but, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

Actually, I like Muslims and their religion, EXCEPT for ....

The confession of an altar boy

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'. The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?' 'Yes, Father, it is..'  'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'. "Well, Joe y, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?' 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed.' 'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'  The priest sighs in frustration.  'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.  But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'  Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four months vacation and five good leads.

Holy Prostitutes

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads: 
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son? '

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

Pearls of Wisdom .... Part 1/5

Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day. Give him religion and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

            ~ Timothy Jones

*****

When the white missionaries came to Africa, they had the Bible and we had the land. They said, 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them, we had the Bible and they had the land.
            ~ Desmond Tutu

*****

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real, but the moon landing was faked.
            ~ David Letterman

*****

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit! I'm a billionaire.
            ~ Howard Hughes

*****

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
            ~ Italian proverb

*****

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
            ~ Betsy Salkind

Joke: Special Crossings

Paddy was in New York.

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

Nuns on barstools

Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria  Theresa, Katherine Marie, Rose Frances &  Mary Kathleen went on a trip to St.  Patrick's Cathedral in New York City.
They were  sight-seeing and the day was  hot  and humid, especially in their  traditional garb.  The heat and humidity made the sisters very thirsty.

The saw  Patty McGuire's Pub nearby and went in for a nice long icy Cokes.

Patty had recently added  special legs to his barstools, which were the  talk of the fashionable eastside neighborhood.  All five nuns went up to the bar and sat on the stools.

They were  enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley and Father  McGinty entered the bar through the front  door with the same intention of sipping on a nice cold drink.

They entered the pub, saw the nuns and almost had heart-attacks.

Joke: God and Drunks

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife."Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.

Joke: Differences between Catholics and Presbyterian

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where

he met a little girl coming from the other direction
"Hello," said the little boy.
"Hi," replied the little girl.

"Where you going?" asked the little boy.

"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home," Answered the little girl.



"I'm also on my way home from church.


Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.



"I go to the Catholic church back down the road," replied the little girl.


"What about you?"
"I go to the Presbyterian church back at the top of the hill," replied the little boy.


They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.



They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.



"If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive," said the little girl.



"My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet," replied the little boy.



"I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across."



"That's a good idea," replied the little boy.


"I'm going to do the same thing with my suit."So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. 
They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked:
 'You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between a
CATHOLIC and a PRESBYTERIAN!!

Joke: Pray for Peace

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a brick wall.!!!!