Sunday, June 3, 2012
Joke: Clinics better than Hotel rooms
A couple went to the sex therapists office at the hospital.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us having sex, for your expert analysis?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse, " and
charged them $100.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an Appointment, have intercourse with no
problems, pay the doctor and then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married And we can't go to her house - I'm married and we can't go to my house.
Hotels charge more than what you charge me
AND I can claim these visits to you as legitimate medical expenses.
Can't beat that !!
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us having sex, for your expert analysis?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse, " and
charged them $100.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an Appointment, have intercourse with no
problems, pay the doctor and then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married And we can't go to her house - I'm married and we can't go to my house.
Hotels charge more than what you charge me
AND I can claim these visits to you as legitimate medical expenses.
Can't beat that !!
Movie: Enemy of the State
This is a good movie from 1998. If you haven't seen it before, watch it now before it's removed from YouTube. Good stuff, especially good full movies, don't last more than a month or two on YouTube.
Joke: Parents hate smart-ass teachers
Mr. Dickson asked his 4th graders one day if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole. Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers.
They came back the next day and still no one knew the answer. “Look,” said Mr. Dickson while holding his index finger against his thumb, forming a little “zero.” “This is one hole, my nose has 2 holes, and Ican put my hand over my nose and make my nose holes appear inside this other hole.”
“Aaaaaaahhhhhh,” said the children.
The next day, Little Johnny stood up and said, “Mr. Dickson, my daddy wants to know if you know how toput 7 holes in 1 hole.”
“Hmmmm,” he thought, “How can you put 7 holes in 1? Well, I'll be darned; I don't know how to do that. Um, did your father tell you how to?”
“Yes,” said Little Johnny, “You take a flute and shove it up your ass!"
They came back the next day and still no one knew the answer. “Look,” said Mr. Dickson while holding his index finger against his thumb, forming a little “zero.” “This is one hole, my nose has 2 holes, and Ican put my hand over my nose and make my nose holes appear inside this other hole.”
“Aaaaaaahhhhhh,” said the children.
The next day, Little Johnny stood up and said, “Mr. Dickson, my daddy wants to know if you know how toput 7 holes in 1 hole.”
“Hmmmm,” he thought, “How can you put 7 holes in 1? Well, I'll be darned; I don't know how to do that. Um, did your father tell you how to?”
“Yes,” said Little Johnny, “You take a flute and shove it up your ass!"
Joke: Taxman and taxpayer .... Canadian way
Revenue Canada decides to audit Grandpa and summons him to the Revenue Canada office. The Revenue Canada auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the Revenue Canada finds that believable.’
I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about it?’ The auditor thinks for a moment and then said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’
Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’ The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘Okay, I’ll bet to that.’
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops. Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, and Grandpa’s attorney is a witness. He starts to get nervous.
‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks. ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa’s attorney moans and buries his head in his hands.
‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks. ‘No I’m not,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!’
The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the Revenue Canada finds that believable.’
I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about it?’ The auditor thinks for a moment and then said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’
Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’ The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘Okay, I’ll bet to that.’
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops. Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, and Grandpa’s attorney is a witness. He starts to get nervous.
‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks. ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa’s attorney moans and buries his head in his hands.
‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks. ‘No I’m not,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!’
Joke: The lows and highs of life
A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon) - but mostly to see the horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinals.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, helping them to hold on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'
'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, helping them to hold on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'
'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'
Joke: Doctor's office
They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients..
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said; "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said; "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you", he said.
The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man replied; "You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked; "Yes??" "There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't pee out of it", he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter...
Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients..
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said; "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said; "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you", he said.
The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man replied; "You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked; "Yes??" "There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't pee out of it", he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter...
Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!
Joke: English Language ... No speakahda
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! .. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.'
The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!" She retorted indignantly.
'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"
'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..
$5.00 says you're gonna read this again!
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! .. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.'
The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!" She retorted indignantly.
'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"
'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..
$5.00 says you're gonna read this again!
Joke: Italian Trip
A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers : 'Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?'
The husband laughs and says: 'An Italian girl !!!'
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: '
So, honey, how was the trip?'
'Very good, thank you.'
'And, what happened to my present?'
'Which present?' She asked.
'The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!'
'Oh, that' she said
'Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for 9 months to see if it is a girl !!!'
Moral of the story: Don't tempt a woman, they are dangerously intelligent!
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