Saturday, April 24, 2010
Joke: Obama turns White
In a sheer panic and fearing he was turning white all over,
he called his doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately. After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid,
gave it to Barack, and told him to drink it all.
Barack drank the concoction and said, "That tasted like bullshIt"!
"It was." the doctor replied, "You were a quart low."
.
Recipe: Polynesian Baked Chicken
This recipe is extremely easy to do. You will need:
Bone-in chicken thighs (either remove the skin or keep it on) 5- 6 pieces
1 cup Thousand Island dressing
3 tbsp orange marmalade
1 cup onion soup
Arrange chicken thighs in greased baking dish
Combine other ingredients. Pour over chicken. Bake, covered, in 350°F (175°C) oven for about 1 1/2 hours, turning chicken halfway through cooking time, until no longer pink inside. Remove cover for last 15 minutes to thicken sauce if desired or to brown it nicely keep on broil for a couple of minutes. Enjoy.
See..... told you it was easy.
Bone-in chicken thighs (either remove the skin or keep it on) 5- 6 pieces
1 cup Thousand Island dressing
3 tbsp orange marmalade
1 cup onion soup
Arrange chicken thighs in greased baking dish
Combine other ingredients. Pour over chicken. Bake, covered, in 350°F (175°C) oven for about 1 1/2 hours, turning chicken halfway through cooking time, until no longer pink inside. Remove cover for last 15 minutes to thicken sauce if desired or to brown it nicely keep on broil for a couple of minutes. Enjoy.
See..... told you it was easy.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Play on words
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine .
... A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
... Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
... Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
... Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
... A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
... A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
... Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
... Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
... Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
... When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
... A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
... What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
... Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
... In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism you count votes.
... She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
... A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
... If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
... With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
... The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
... You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
... Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
... Every calendar's days are numbered..
... A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
... A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
... He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
... A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
... Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
... Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis..
... Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
... Acupuncture is a jab well done
... A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
... Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
... Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
... Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
... A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
... A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
... Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
... Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
... Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
... When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
... A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
... What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
... Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
... In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism you count votes.
... She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
... A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
... If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
... With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
... The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
... You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
... Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
... Every calendar's days are numbered..
... A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
... A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
... He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
... A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
... Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
... Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis..
... Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
... Acupuncture is a jab well done
Joke: Tight skirted woman
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus..
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the
second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled,
'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,
but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.'
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the
second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled,
'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,
but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.'
Funny: Fun things to do in an elevator
1.When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2.Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3.Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
4.Swat at flies that don't exist.
5.Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
6.Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
7.Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.
8.Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they hear something ticking.
9.Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
10.Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
11.Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
12.Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."
13.Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space!"
14.Fart loudly then exclaim "Was that you. There's no way I could do that one because unfortately mine don't come out loud."
15.Before the elevator door opens shout "DING" and then laugh and say "beat you again Mr Elevator."
16.Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
17.Hire a labrador, wear sunglasses and repeatedly walk into the walls whilst pretending to not hear the other passenger's direction.
18.Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "that's mine!"
19.Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
20.Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
.
2.Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3.Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
4.Swat at flies that don't exist.
5.Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
6.Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
7.Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.
8.Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they hear something ticking.
9.Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
10.Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
11.Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
12.Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."
13.Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space!"
14.Fart loudly then exclaim "Was that you. There's no way I could do that one because unfortately mine don't come out loud."
15.Before the elevator door opens shout "DING" and then laugh and say "beat you again Mr Elevator."
16.Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
17.Hire a labrador, wear sunglasses and repeatedly walk into the walls whilst pretending to not hear the other passenger's direction.
18.Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "that's mine!"
19.Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
20.Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Joke: Preacher's son
An old country preacher.. ...had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young Men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.
1. A Bible... ..?
2. A silver dollar... ..?
3. A bottle of whisky... ..?
4. And a Playboy magazine.. ..?
'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.
If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.
But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.'
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table..
With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.
'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered.
'He's gonna run for Congress.'
.
1. A Bible... ..?
2. A silver dollar... ..?
3. A bottle of whisky... ..?
4. And a Playboy magazine.. ..?
'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.
If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.
But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.'
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table..
With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.
'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered.
'He's gonna run for Congress.'
.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Quotations: Leon Uris
Leon Uris : American novelist (Aug 3, 1924 - Jun 21 2003) is one of my most favorite writers. His books, like Exodus, Trinity and Mila-18 and many others are a "must" read.
******
You can try to reach an audience, but you just write what comes out of you and you just hope that it is accepted. You do not write specifically to a generation.
--------
English of course is your major tool, but it is not nearly so important as other aspects of writing for example you have to have some natural ability you can't buy it no one puts it there you're born with it.
--------
The first thing you have to do is get immersed in the project, organizing yourself, knowing what you are going after and not going after.
---------
Often we have no time for our friends but all the time in the world for our enemies.
------------
Research to me is as important or more important than the writing. It is the foundation upon which the book is built.
-----------
******
You can try to reach an audience, but you just write what comes out of you and you just hope that it is accepted. You do not write specifically to a generation.
--------
English of course is your major tool, but it is not nearly so important as other aspects of writing for example you have to have some natural ability you can't buy it no one puts it there you're born with it.
--------
The first thing you have to do is get immersed in the project, organizing yourself, knowing what you are going after and not going after.
---------
Often we have no time for our friends but all the time in the world for our enemies.
------------
Research to me is as important or more important than the writing. It is the foundation upon which the book is built.
-----------
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Jokes: Heaven is crowded with "bad day" dead
It got so crowded in heaven that St. Peter decided that for just one day he would accept only people whose death came about because it was a really, really bad day.
So, St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
.
So, St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Quotations: Marcel Poust
Marcel Poust (July 10, 1871 – November 18, 1922) was a French novelist and critic. These quotes are from his translated works. Such deep thoughts makes one wonder how much more of an impact they would make in the original language, French.
*********
We don't receive wisdom; we must discover it for ourselves after a journey that no one can take for us or spare us.
-------------
Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.
--------
The bonds between ourselves and others exists only in our minds. Memory as it grows fainter loosens them and notwithstanding the illusion . . . we exist alone.
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The only true voyage of discovery, the only really rejuvenating experience, would be not to visit strange lands but to possess other eyes, to see the universe through the eyes of another, of a hundred others, to see the hundred universes that each of them sees.
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Desire makes everything blossom; possession makes everything wither and fade
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In theory one is aware that the earth revolves, but in practice one does not perceive it, the ground upon which one treads seems not to move, and one can live undisturbed. So it is with Time in one's life.
------
Things don't change, but by and by our wishes change.
----------
*********
We don't receive wisdom; we must discover it for ourselves after a journey that no one can take for us or spare us.
-------------
Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.
--------
The bonds between ourselves and others exists only in our minds. Memory as it grows fainter loosens them and notwithstanding the illusion . . . we exist alone.
-------
The only true voyage of discovery, the only really rejuvenating experience, would be not to visit strange lands but to possess other eyes, to see the universe through the eyes of another, of a hundred others, to see the hundred universes that each of them sees.
-------
Desire makes everything blossom; possession makes everything wither and fade
---------
In theory one is aware that the earth revolves, but in practice one does not perceive it, the ground upon which one treads seems not to move, and one can live undisturbed. So it is with Time in one's life.
------
Things don't change, but by and by our wishes change.
----------
Recipes: Chinese Chicken Chow Mein
1 green sweet pepper (sliced) ,1 red sweet pepper (sliced)
1 cup boiling water
1 1/2 tablespoons butter, 1 small onion (chopped), 2 stalks celery (sliced)
1 tablespoon flour
1 cup chicken broth,2 tablespoons soy sauce
freshly ground pepper
1 can (4 ounce) sliced mushrooms, drained, 8 ounces cooked chicken breast (cut into bite size pieces)
6 cups water
8 ounces egg noodles, salt to taste,
oil for frying
4 ounces sliced, toasted, salted, almonds
Cut the peppers into slices and blanch in boiling water for 5 minutes. Drain. Melt 1 1/2 teaspoons of butter in a saucepan; add onions and celery and saute until the onion become transparent. Sprinkle with flour, add chicken broth and bring to a boil, stirring constantly. Simmer for 10 minutes. Add the soy sauce and season with pepper. Add the pepper slices, mushrooms, and chicken. Cover and simmer for another 15 minutes. Meanwhile, bring 6 cups of slightly salted water to a boil and add the noodles and cook for 15 minutes. Drain and rinse with cold water. Place 2/3 of the noodles in a heated bowl, and 1 tablespoon of butter. Cover and keep warm. Heat oil in a skillet until very hot. Cut the remaining 1/3 of the noodles into 2-inch long pieces. Place in the hot oil and fry until they are golden brown. Place on paper towlel to drain. To serve, spoon chicken mixture over the buttered noodles and top with fried noodles and almonds. Serve 4.
.
1 cup boiling water
1 1/2 tablespoons butter, 1 small onion (chopped), 2 stalks celery (sliced)
1 tablespoon flour
1 cup chicken broth,2 tablespoons soy sauce
freshly ground pepper
1 can (4 ounce) sliced mushrooms, drained, 8 ounces cooked chicken breast (cut into bite size pieces)
6 cups water
8 ounces egg noodles, salt to taste,
oil for frying
4 ounces sliced, toasted, salted, almonds
Cut the peppers into slices and blanch in boiling water for 5 minutes. Drain. Melt 1 1/2 teaspoons of butter in a saucepan; add onions and celery and saute until the onion become transparent. Sprinkle with flour, add chicken broth and bring to a boil, stirring constantly. Simmer for 10 minutes. Add the soy sauce and season with pepper. Add the pepper slices, mushrooms, and chicken. Cover and simmer for another 15 minutes. Meanwhile, bring 6 cups of slightly salted water to a boil and add the noodles and cook for 15 minutes. Drain and rinse with cold water. Place 2/3 of the noodles in a heated bowl, and 1 tablespoon of butter. Cover and keep warm. Heat oil in a skillet until very hot. Cut the remaining 1/3 of the noodles into 2-inch long pieces. Place in the hot oil and fry until they are golden brown. Place on paper towlel to drain. To serve, spoon chicken mixture over the buttered noodles and top with fried noodles and almonds. Serve 4.
.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Cartoons: Religious Maxine
Looking up toward heaven, she said, 'Lord, take pity on me.
If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up sex and tequila.'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
She looked up again and said, 'Never mind. I found one.'
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Church Bulletins to make you laugh aloud
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
China: More pics from my friends from their recent visit
500 years old Cypress trees
Beijing Temple - Picture of heaven and earthJuyong and the Great Wall seen at a distance
Quotations: Ayn Rand
Some quotes attributed to Ayn Rand
A creative man is motivated by the desire to achieve, not by the desire to beat others.
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Ask yourself whether the dream of heaven and greatness should be waiting for us in our graves - or whether it should be ours here and now and on this earth.
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Contradictions do not exist. Whenever you think you are facing a contradiction, check your premises. You will find that one of them is wrong.
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Do not ever say that the desire to "do good" by force is a good motive. Neither power-lust nor stupidity are good motives.
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Happiness is that state of consciousness which proceeds from the achievement of one’s values.
The great creators –the thinkers, the artists, the scientists, the inventors– stood alone against the men of their time
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The purpose of morality is to teach you, not to suffer and die, but to enjoy yourself and live.”
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“We can evade reality, but we cannot evade the consequences of evading reality”
--------
A creative man is motivated by the desire to achieve, not by the desire to beat others.
-----
Ask yourself whether the dream of heaven and greatness should be waiting for us in our graves - or whether it should be ours here and now and on this earth.
----------
Contradictions do not exist. Whenever you think you are facing a contradiction, check your premises. You will find that one of them is wrong.
---------
Do not ever say that the desire to "do good" by force is a good motive. Neither power-lust nor stupidity are good motives.
----------
Happiness is that state of consciousness which proceeds from the achievement of one’s values.
The great creators –the thinkers, the artists, the scientists, the inventors– stood alone against the men of their time
-------
The purpose of morality is to teach you, not to suffer and die, but to enjoy yourself and live.”
---------
“We can evade reality, but we cannot evade the consequences of evading reality”
--------
Blonde Jokes
What should you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you ? Simply catch the grenade, remove the pin and lob it back to her.
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A blonde was trying to reach the airport. On the way there she read a sign and turned back home. When asked why, she said the sign said ‘Airport Left’.
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A blonde was disappointed with her new bathtub. She complained that the thing emptied automatically after filling up. The shopkeeper said everything was fine and she just needed to put the plug in. To this, the blonde got excited and said ‘I did not know the tub was electrical’.
-----------
A blonde asked a man in the street what the time was. The man said 3:15 PM. The puzzled blonde told the man that she has asked this same question to several people throughout the day. The problem was that each time she got a different answer and it was confusing her.
---------
A blonde woman and a pig were walking down the street when a man asked : ‘Where did you get that’. The pig replied: "I got her at a raffle draw."
----------
A blonde was trying to reach the airport. On the way there she read a sign and turned back home. When asked why, she said the sign said ‘Airport Left’.
--------
A blonde was disappointed with her new bathtub. She complained that the thing emptied automatically after filling up. The shopkeeper said everything was fine and she just needed to put the plug in. To this, the blonde got excited and said ‘I did not know the tub was electrical’.
-----------
A blonde asked a man in the street what the time was. The man said 3:15 PM. The puzzled blonde told the man that she has asked this same question to several people throughout the day. The problem was that each time she got a different answer and it was confusing her.
---------
A blonde woman and a pig were walking down the street when a man asked : ‘Where did you get that’. The pig replied: "I got her at a raffle draw."
Monday, April 12, 2010
Word Puzzle
AMAZING ONE WORD RIDDLE
What nine letter word in the English language is still a word every time one letter is removed until all eight letters are removed without moving or shuffling the letters that are left?
Give up? Here's the word and how it is done
S T A R T L I N G
STARTING (L removed)
STARING (T removed)
STRING (A removed)
STING (R removed)
SING (T removed)
SIN (G removed)
IN (S removed)
I (N removed)
What nine letter word in the English language is still a word every time one letter is removed until all eight letters are removed without moving or shuffling the letters that are left?
Give up? Here's the word and how it is done
S T A R T L I N G
STARTING (L removed)
STARING (T removed)
STRING (A removed)
STING (R removed)
SING (T removed)
SIN (G removed)
IN (S removed)
I (N removed)
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Poetry: A Byte of Memory
Another published poem of yours truly. A couple of editors at the mags where my poems got published, used to think I was pretty good, long ago.
-----------
Amidst the jumble I call my mind,
Lies embedded a weeny memory;
A byte of a little computer chip
Of days when I was carefree.
Unguarded intervals find me
Back, back to the valleys decades dead;
To see myself as once was,
And rue anew end of youth.
For, with youth walked
Courage hand-in-hand,
Joy and laughter were bosom friends,
Integrity and ethics were so dear
While deceit was something to fear.
Knew we not to affect our speech
And promises were usually easy to keep
For we based them not on imaginery flights;
But down-to-earth attainable sights.
From my vantage point down,
down in the valley
I see me - me of day this;
And nauseously I turn away
Begging nostalgia to take over and reign.
-----------
Amidst the jumble I call my mind,
Lies embedded a weeny memory;
A byte of a little computer chip
Of days when I was carefree.
Unguarded intervals find me
Back, back to the valleys decades dead;
To see myself as once was,
And rue anew end of youth.
For, with youth walked
Courage hand-in-hand,
Joy and laughter were bosom friends,
Integrity and ethics were so dear
While deceit was something to fear.
Knew we not to affect our speech
And promises were usually easy to keep
For we based them not on imaginery flights;
But down-to-earth attainable sights.
From my vantage point down,
down in the valley
I see me - me of day this;
And nauseously I turn away
Begging nostalgia to take over and reign.
Recipes: Things for Tea
Tea Scones
3 cups all purpose flour
half cup granulated sugar
5 tsp baking powder
half tsp salt
1 cup butter
1 egg (optional)
1 cup milk or cream (increase either the butter or cream by a few teaspoons, if not using the egg)
Mix all dry ingredients together. Cut in butter. Mix cream or milk and the egg separately. Spread on floured board and cut into desired shapes. Bake at 450F for 15 mins or until lightly browned
-------------
Banana Muffins
3 or 4 large bananas
half cup sugar
1 egg
1 tsp of baking soda
1 tsp of baking powder
little salt
2 cups of all purpose flour
1 cup of light margarine or if you can afford it, butter
Melt the butter or margarine. In a bowl mash the bananas, add sugar, add the egg and other ingredients and pour in the melted marg or butter. Mix well. Drop into well greased muffin tray and bake at 375F for about 20 mins.
--------------
.
3 cups all purpose flour
half cup granulated sugar
5 tsp baking powder
half tsp salt
1 cup butter
1 egg (optional)
1 cup milk or cream (increase either the butter or cream by a few teaspoons, if not using the egg)
Mix all dry ingredients together. Cut in butter. Mix cream or milk and the egg separately. Spread on floured board and cut into desired shapes. Bake at 450F for 15 mins or until lightly browned
-------------
Banana Muffins
3 or 4 large bananas
half cup sugar
1 egg
1 tsp of baking soda
1 tsp of baking powder
little salt
2 cups of all purpose flour
1 cup of light margarine or if you can afford it, butter
Melt the butter or margarine. In a bowl mash the bananas, add sugar, add the egg and other ingredients and pour in the melted marg or butter. Mix well. Drop into well greased muffin tray and bake at 375F for about 20 mins.
--------------
.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Travel: Beijing, China
Here are some pics from my friends who were in China recently. More coming later.
Beijing - Inside Forbidden City
Female bronze lion with bay under left paw.
Beijing, Tian n men Square, main gate
Garden inside Forbidden City, Beijing
Female bronze lion with bay under left paw.
Garden inside Forbidden City, Beijing
Jokes: Drunken ones
An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes."
The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer bottle that never runs empty."
With that, the genie makes a poof sound and the bar lands a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.
The man says, "I want two more of these."
............
The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there pal?"
"It’s a mongoose."
"What have you got that for?"
"Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection."
"But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes."
"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."
----------
A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.
"Okay," says the bartender, "If you say you paid, you did."
The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.
The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.
The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched in the face."
"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
.............................
The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer bottle that never runs empty."
With that, the genie makes a poof sound and the bar lands a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.
The man says, "I want two more of these."
............
The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there pal?"
"It’s a mongoose."
"What have you got that for?"
"Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection."
"But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes."
"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."
----------
A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.
"Okay," says the bartender, "If you say you paid, you did."
The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.
The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.
The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched in the face."
"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
.............................
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Quotations: Confucius
Confucius was a Chinese philosopher & reformer (551 BC - 479 BC) Many quotations are credited to Confucius but the philosophy and logic could have come from much before him.
-----
The superior man, when resting in safety, does not forget that danger may come. When in a state of security he does not forget the possibility of ruin. When all is orderly, he does not forget that disorder may come. Thus his person is not endangered, and his States and all their clans are preserved.
-----
To be able under all circumstances to practice five things constitutes perfect virtue; these five things are gravity, generosity of soul, sincerity, earnestness and kindness
-------
What the superior man seeks is in himself; what the small man seeks is in others.
-------
He who will not economize will have to agonize
-------
You cannot open a book without learning something.
------
What you do not want done to yourself, do not do to others.
-------
Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.
-----
To see and listen to the wicked is already the beginning of wickedness.
-----
By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.
.......
-----
The superior man, when resting in safety, does not forget that danger may come. When in a state of security he does not forget the possibility of ruin. When all is orderly, he does not forget that disorder may come. Thus his person is not endangered, and his States and all their clans are preserved.
-----
To be able under all circumstances to practice five things constitutes perfect virtue; these five things are gravity, generosity of soul, sincerity, earnestness and kindness
-------
What the superior man seeks is in himself; what the small man seeks is in others.
-------
He who will not economize will have to agonize
-------
You cannot open a book without learning something.
------
What you do not want done to yourself, do not do to others.
-------
Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.
-----
To see and listen to the wicked is already the beginning of wickedness.
-----
By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.
.......
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Riddles : Part 1
1) There were five men going to church and it started to rain. The four that ran got wet and the one that stood still stayed dry.
2) I am weightless but you can see me. Put me in a bucket and I'll make it lighter. What am I?
3) A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
4) If a rooster laid a brown egg and a white egg, what kind of chicks would hatch?
Answers will be given tomorrow. However, if you can solve them, post your answers in the Comments.
Answers: 1) 4 men were pallbearers who ran and got wet, the dry one was the dead man inside the casket.
2) hole
3) The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband developed it and hung it up to dry
4) Roosters are male
2) I am weightless but you can see me. Put me in a bucket and I'll make it lighter. What am I?
3) A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
4) If a rooster laid a brown egg and a white egg, what kind of chicks would hatch?
Answers will be given tomorrow. However, if you can solve them, post your answers in the Comments.
Answers: 1) 4 men were pallbearers who ran and got wet, the dry one was the dead man inside the casket.
2) hole
3) The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband developed it and hung it up to dry
4) Roosters are male
Recipes: Lebanese
To make Tabouleh, which is a tasty salad having it's origins in Lebanon, you will need the following and remember the extra virgin olive oil is what brings out the richness of this salad, so go for the best.
125g bulgur wheat
225g fresh flat-leaf parsley, finely chopped
75g fresh mint, finely chopped
2/3 spring onions
1 small red onion, finely chopped
2 large tomatoes
2 lemons, juice of
75ml extra virgin olive oil
1.Put the bulgar wheat in a bowl and cover with water. Leave for 15 minutes to allow the bulgar wheat to absorb the water.
2.Add the parsley and mint.
3.Finely chop the spring onion and red onion and add to the Tabouleh.
4.Deseed and chop the tomatoes and add to the Tabouleh.
5.Add the lemon juice and extra virgin olive oil and stir to combine all the ingredients
.......................
Awamat is a Lebanese Christian sweet dish and they make it for special religious days and festivals. You will need:
8 cups pastry flour
1 qt. laban (Yoghurt)
1/2 tsp. soda
1 1/2 cups olive oil
Sugar Syrup (some people use honey with a bit of water)
Sift the flour and mix with it with the yoghurt and soda. Knead well together. Heat olive oil until almost smoking. Drop dough by the teaspoonful into hot oil. Fry only a few at a time. They quickly rise to the surface, brown, and are ready to be skimmed out of the fat. Drain on absorbent paper. When all the dough drops are fried, dip a few at a time in thin sugar syrup or honey water. These can be served either hot or cold.
125g bulgur wheat
225g fresh flat-leaf parsley, finely chopped
75g fresh mint, finely chopped
2/3 spring onions
1 small red onion, finely chopped
2 large tomatoes
2 lemons, juice of
75ml extra virgin olive oil
1.Put the bulgar wheat in a bowl and cover with water. Leave for 15 minutes to allow the bulgar wheat to absorb the water.
2.Add the parsley and mint.
3.Finely chop the spring onion and red onion and add to the Tabouleh.
4.Deseed and chop the tomatoes and add to the Tabouleh.
5.Add the lemon juice and extra virgin olive oil and stir to combine all the ingredients
.......................
Awamat is a Lebanese Christian sweet dish and they make it for special religious days and festivals. You will need:
8 cups pastry flour
1 qt. laban (Yoghurt)
1/2 tsp. soda
1 1/2 cups olive oil
Sugar Syrup (some people use honey with a bit of water)
Sift the flour and mix with it with the yoghurt and soda. Knead well together. Heat olive oil until almost smoking. Drop dough by the teaspoonful into hot oil. Fry only a few at a time. They quickly rise to the surface, brown, and are ready to be skimmed out of the fat. Drain on absorbent paper. When all the dough drops are fried, dip a few at a time in thin sugar syrup or honey water. These can be served either hot or cold.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Jokes: Lawyers ... they are a nasty breed
Everybody loves to hate a lawyer, unless you are one. Here are some nice funny ones. I bring only the best for my readers. :} :} :}
*******
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered." The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded." The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their asses are interchangeable.
...............
lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
............
What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician?
Chelsea Clinton
...........
A lawyer was asked if he like to become a Jehovahs Witness. He declined, as he hadnt seen the accident, but would still be interested in taking the case.
...........
A man and his alligator walk into a bar and the man asks, "Does this bar serve lawyers?""Of course we do," replied the bartender."Great," said the man, "I'd like a beer... and give me a lawyer for my gator."
*******
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered." The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded." The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their asses are interchangeable.
...............
lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
............
What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician?
Chelsea Clinton
...........
A lawyer was asked if he like to become a Jehovahs Witness. He declined, as he hadnt seen the accident, but would still be interested in taking the case.
...........
A man and his alligator walk into a bar and the man asks, "Does this bar serve lawyers?""Of course we do," replied the bartender."Great," said the man, "I'd like a beer... and give me a lawyer for my gator."
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Travel: China
Friends of mine have just returned from a 10-day trip to China from Toronto. They were totally enthralled with China and the Chinese. After I get their permission, I will post a few pics from their trip. In the meantime, here's some info on China that my friends have sent around from their travel notebooks, so we get an idea of the country they visited.
People’s Republic of China
Population 1.4 billion
22 provinces + Taiwan + 4 municipalities
600 million low-income farmers
230 million migrant workers
More than 30 million below “poverty line” with no electricity
70 million members of Communist Party
Beijing
Means “northern capital”
17 million
3,000 years old
Capital city for 800 years
Several former names for city
6 expressways circle the city
Thousands of tall apartment buildings
Forbidden City – built 1406, 980 buildings with 8,707 rooms, 720,000 sq meters
Marco Polo visited Beijing some 200 years before Forbidden City was built.
Was the palace for 24 successive emperors of Ming and Qing Dynasties, each had an empress and 3,000 concubines
Temperature below freezing, open water frozen, some snow remnants
Overcast – pollution?
Hutong residential area of Beijing – typical old style houses with a maze of narrow streets.
Great Wall – 1 million workers died in construction, buried in wall.
Very steep steps
Nanjing
Means “southern capital”
7 million
Yangtze River bridge – 1.5 km wide - bi level – railway on lower, highway on top.
300 km up river from sea
2 river tunnels under construction for completion in 2011.
Buildings and homes in China north of Yangtze River are heated but south are unheated
World’s longest city wall built by 200,000 men
Wuxi
Pronounced Wu-See
population 4 million
Grand Park hotel – the best
Suzhou
Pronounced Su –Joe
population 6 million
Holiday Inn – excellent
8,000 factories of foreign companies
Shanghai
pop 21 million
2,400 sq miles
More than 6,000 tall buildings
3 rivers through city: Huangpu R, Yangtze R, Suzhou Creek.
6 river tunnels, 7 river bridges, 3 subway lines
New Shanghai-Beijing railway to open 2011 – 380 km/hr - will reduce travel time from 10 hours to 5 hours.
Maglev train from city to airport - 30 km – max of 431 km/hr for 50 seconds – service started 2004
People’s Republic of China
Population 1.4 billion
22 provinces + Taiwan + 4 municipalities
600 million low-income farmers
230 million migrant workers
More than 30 million below “poverty line” with no electricity
70 million members of Communist Party
Beijing
Means “northern capital”
17 million
3,000 years old
Capital city for 800 years
Several former names for city
6 expressways circle the city
Thousands of tall apartment buildings
Forbidden City – built 1406, 980 buildings with 8,707 rooms, 720,000 sq meters
Marco Polo visited Beijing some 200 years before Forbidden City was built.
Was the palace for 24 successive emperors of Ming and Qing Dynasties, each had an empress and 3,000 concubines
Temperature below freezing, open water frozen, some snow remnants
Overcast – pollution?
Hutong residential area of Beijing – typical old style houses with a maze of narrow streets.
Great Wall – 1 million workers died in construction, buried in wall.
Very steep steps
Nanjing
Means “southern capital”
7 million
Yangtze River bridge – 1.5 km wide - bi level – railway on lower, highway on top.
300 km up river from sea
2 river tunnels under construction for completion in 2011.
Buildings and homes in China north of Yangtze River are heated but south are unheated
World’s longest city wall built by 200,000 men
Wuxi
Pronounced Wu-See
population 4 million
Grand Park hotel – the best
Suzhou
Pronounced Su –Joe
population 6 million
Holiday Inn – excellent
8,000 factories of foreign companies
Shanghai
pop 21 million
2,400 sq miles
More than 6,000 tall buildings
3 rivers through city: Huangpu R, Yangtze R, Suzhou Creek.
6 river tunnels, 7 river bridges, 3 subway lines
New Shanghai-Beijing railway to open 2011 – 380 km/hr - will reduce travel time from 10 hours to 5 hours.
Maglev train from city to airport - 30 km – max of 431 km/hr for 50 seconds – service started 2004
How to insult your foes
Sometimes Maxine is not enough and you have to find more piercing ways to prick those who get on your nerves. Here is a list of "marvellous" insults which are like throwing darts and hitting the bull's eye or the bull-headed. Take your pick.
If you spoke your mind, you'd be speechless.
You stare at frozen juice cans because they say, "concentrate".
Ever since I saw you in my family tree, I've wanted to cut it down.
One more wrinkle and you'd pass for a prune.
I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
Are you always an idiot, or just when I'm around?
Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
I heard you went to a freak show and got in FREE
If you spoke your mind, you'd be speechless.
You stare at frozen juice cans because they say, "concentrate".
Ever since I saw you in my family tree, I've wanted to cut it down.
One more wrinkle and you'd pass for a prune.
I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
Are you always an idiot, or just when I'm around?
Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
I heard you went to a freak show and got in FREE
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Joke: Fluctuations
I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty. Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty. Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"
Poem: The Roaring Desert
Here's a poem of mine that was published in a weekly in that far, far away country.
I hike up into the sandy dunes
The desert sands sing sounds
With life that's shifting
As the land it's on.
I sat quiet as a dull ghost
On an ant-hill devoid of tenants;
Releasing my mind
To solitarily wander on.
Mindlessly my eyes follow
A scuttling blue beetle;
Hurriedly furrowing through the sand
Trying a getaway
From a snaky centipede
And failing.
The centipede gorges on the beetle;
But is soon prey to a bird
Black of beak and quick to pick
The centipede with the beetle in it's belly.
I reflect on life and muse awhile,
How even out here in the desert's
presumed quiet
One is forced to think of longevity
Or the lack of it.
Suddenly, a heavy drop on my brow
From the sky above;
Instinct takes my finger tip
To feel, and with horror I perceive
The hot vibrant red blood,
To the calm of the city jungle
Away from the deceptive quiet
of the desert.
The desert sands sing sounds
With life that's shifting
As the land it's on.
I sat quiet as a dull ghost
On an ant-hill devoid of tenants;
Releasing my mind
To solitarily wander on.
Mindlessly my eyes follow
A scuttling blue beetle;
Hurriedly furrowing through the sand
Trying a getaway
And failing.
The centipede gorges on the beetle;
But is soon prey to a bird
Black of beak and quick to pick
The centipede with the beetle in it's belly.
I reflect on life and muse awhile,
How even out here in the desert's
presumed quiet
One is forced to think of longevity
Suddenly, a heavy drop on my brow
From the sky above;
Instinct takes my finger tip
To feel, and with horror I perceive
The hot vibrant red blood,
Of the black-beaked bird
Fallen prey to a keen-eyed eagle.
I run the miles to get back To the calm of the city jungle
Away from the deceptive quiet
of the desert.
Jokes: Heaven and Hell
A Muslim dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter meets him at the gate and says, "Welcome to heaven my son, please enter!" The Muslim says "Oh no, no, I cannot enter without seeing Allah." St. Peter says, "Oh... Allah. He is upstairs." The Muslim says, "Well of course, Allah is upstairs!" He climbs upstairs and meets Jesus. Jesus says "Welcome to heaven my child, please enter!" And the Muslim says "Oh no, no, with all due respect, I cannot enter without seeing Allah." Jesus says "But of course...Allah is upstairs, top floor." The Muslim smiles and thinks to himself, "Of course, Allah is on top of heaven itself because He is most high!" At the final gate he meets the all mighty Lord himself who says "Welcome to heaven my child, please enter." As expected, the Muslim says he cannot enter without meeting Allah, to which the Lord replies "I understand, my child...Allah is here. But he is busy right now. Why don't you have a seat and wait for him?" The Muslim is so excited that his Allah is so important, after all he always believed this was so. The Lord says to the Muslim "Why you must be parched, would you like a drink?" The Muslim says, "Yes, I would like a drink. I would like that very much." And the Lord asks, "Would you like a Coke?" The Muslim says "Yes, that sounds good, thank you." The Lord says, "It does indeed. I think I'll join you." And with that the Lord snapped his fingers and said, "Allah, bring two cokes!
*********
A fellow dies, goes to hell, and is surprised whenconfronted by a room full of beautiful blondes andkegs of beer. He asks a nearby demon if this isreally hell, and what was so bad about the place."Well," said the demon, "the kegs all have holes inthe bottoms, and the blondes don't!"
********
A cat dies and goes to heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You have been a good cat all these years. You can have anything you desire, all you have to do is ask.' Well,' said the cat, 'I lived all my life on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' 'Say no more,' says God and instantly a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer he made to the cat. 'All our life,' the mice say, 'we've had to run. Cats, dogs, women with brooms have chased us. If we had roller skates, we wouldn't have to run any more.' God says he can take care of it and, instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates. A week later God checks on the cat, which is asleep on its pillow. God gently nudges him awake and asks, 'How are you doing? Are you happy here?' 'Never been happier,' says the cat, stretching and yawning. 'And those meals on wheels you've been sending over are great
******
*********
A fellow dies, goes to hell, and is surprised whenconfronted by a room full of beautiful blondes andkegs of beer. He asks a nearby demon if this isreally hell, and what was so bad about the place."Well," said the demon, "the kegs all have holes inthe bottoms, and the blondes don't!"
********
A cat dies and goes to heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You have been a good cat all these years. You can have anything you desire, all you have to do is ask.' Well,' said the cat, 'I lived all my life on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' 'Say no more,' says God and instantly a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer he made to the cat. 'All our life,' the mice say, 'we've had to run. Cats, dogs, women with brooms have chased us. If we had roller skates, we wouldn't have to run any more.' God says he can take care of it and, instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates. A week later God checks on the cat, which is asleep on its pillow. God gently nudges him awake and asks, 'How are you doing? Are you happy here?' 'Never been happier,' says the cat, stretching and yawning. 'And those meals on wheels you've been sending over are great
******
Friday, April 2, 2010
Great music: Phantom of the Opera
I was lucky enough to get to see the play in Toronto. Absolutely marvellous. That Andrew Lloyd Webber is a genuis.
Joke: Easter Bunny
A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place. Candy, too.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead.
The driver felt guilty and began to cry.
A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do.
She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.
Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!
The man was astonished.
He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead.
The driver felt guilty and began to cry.
A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do.
She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.
Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!
The man was astonished.
He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Recipes from the Caribbean
Plantains (bananas as substitute?) in Bacon
This recipe boggles the mind. Imagine fruit cooked with bacon fat !!! Have not tried this recipe as yet but it sounds delicious.
4 ripe peeled plantains
Wrap bacon around each and secure with toothpicks
Bake at 350 deg F or 180 deg C for 30 to 40 mins until bacon is crispy
---------------------
Banana Chicken
I have had a variation of this at a social gathering and it was great.
4 chicken pieces to be mixed in 2 tbsp flour and little curry powder depending on how spicy you want it to be.
Fry the pieces in oil until golden brown, reduce heat, cover and let cook until tender and then add the bananas cut into bit size pieces. Let cook for another 5 mins.
Cook rice using your usual method, lay it on a dish and serve with the chicken/banana mixture spread on top.
This recipe boggles the mind. Imagine fruit cooked with bacon fat !!! Have not tried this recipe as yet but it sounds delicious.
4 ripe peeled plantains
Wrap bacon around each and secure with toothpicks
Bake at 350 deg F or 180 deg C for 30 to 40 mins until bacon is crispy
---------------------
Banana Chicken
I have had a variation of this at a social gathering and it was great.
4 chicken pieces to be mixed in 2 tbsp flour and little curry powder depending on how spicy you want it to be.
Fry the pieces in oil until golden brown, reduce heat, cover and let cook until tender and then add the bananas cut into bit size pieces. Let cook for another 5 mins.
Cook rice using your usual method, lay it on a dish and serve with the chicken/banana mixture spread on top.
Language of Men .... Part I
What they say..... but what they really mean.
1) "That's a new look for you isn't it ?"
Translation: "You look ridiculous"
2) "It would take too long to explain."
Translation: " I have no idea how it works."
3) "I'm sorry, it was my fault."
Translation: "I've got to get some sleep, and need to bring this argument to a hasty close."
4) "I could never date anyone else."
Translation: "Because you'd catch me."
5) "I'll mow the lawn."
Translation: "The neighbor's teenaged cheerleader daughters are sunbathing."
1) "That's a new look for you isn't it ?"
Translation: "You look ridiculous"
2) "It would take too long to explain."
Translation: " I have no idea how it works."
3) "I'm sorry, it was my fault."
Translation: "I've got to get some sleep, and need to bring this argument to a hasty close."
4) "I could never date anyone else."
Translation: "Because you'd catch me."
5) "I'll mow the lawn."
Translation: "The neighbor's teenaged cheerleader daughters are sunbathing."
Poem: Simple Wants
Here's a poem I had penned eons ago which found it's way into one of the dailies in the country far, far away where I floated around for a while before putting down roots in beautiful Canada.
Before I die:
Want a piece of the sky sprinkled
with the rays of the setting sun,
I will savor it's glory and reserve
it for my eyes only
Want a patch of golden, sandy
shore of evening,
Treasure it I will with everything.
Want the soft sound of the darting, wintry wind,
Wafting ghost-like in my dreams.
Want to see ripples widening in a pond,
Green with reflected trees.
Want to find poetry
In the flight of every beast,
And music even in a rat's squeak.
Want to inhale the perfumed
breath of all flowers
And hold the memory of their petals
in my heart.
Want to see a boisterous brook,
and a mumbling waterfall,
And tell Mother Nature,
I am not blind to her beauty,
Not at all.
Before I die:
Want a piece of the sky sprinkled
with the rays of the setting sun,
I will savor it's glory and reserve
it for my eyes only
Want a patch of golden, sandy
shore of evening,
Treasure it I will with everything.
Want the soft sound of the darting, wintry wind,
Wafting ghost-like in my dreams.
Want to see ripples widening in a pond,
Green with reflected trees.
Want to find poetry
In the flight of every beast,
And music even in a rat's squeak.
Want to inhale the perfumed
breath of all flowers
And hold the memory of their petals
in my heart.
Want to see a boisterous brook,
and a mumbling waterfall,
And tell Mother Nature,
I am not blind to her beauty,
Not at all.
About Dogs and Cats
I have always had dogs and cats as pets while growing up. Even a squirrel once. And a frog for a month before my parents forced me to release it. Unless you have lived with them you will never gage the kind of emotional hold pets can have on you. These two pics are so adorable.
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