Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Joke: Ear to the ground
A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in the middle Of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop.
The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing.
The tribesman began to speak..."woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, Four door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h."
"That's amazing" exclaimed the father.
"You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground"?
"No", said the old tribesman. "They just ran over me five minutes ago"!
The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing.
The tribesman began to speak..."woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, Four door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h."
"That's amazing" exclaimed the father.
"You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground"?
"No", said the old tribesman. "They just ran over me five minutes ago"!
Joke: The Irishman, the Englishman and Claudia Schiffer
There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.
Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.
The Englishman was thinking: "The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead."
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it."
The Irishman was thinking: "This is great! The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English idiot again."
Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.
The Englishman was thinking: "The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead."
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it."
The Irishman was thinking: "This is great! The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English idiot again."
Joke: Better luck with a lawyer ?
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband 2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband 3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband 4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband 5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband 6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband 7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband 8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband 9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!"
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband 2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband 3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband 4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband 5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband 6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband 7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband 8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband 9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!"
Joke: Delightful malady
A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane.
The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.
The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.
A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.
The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again.
The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you’ve sneezed and three times you’ve taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently!
Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?"
The woman replies, "I’m sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I’ve never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."
The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.
The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.
A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.
The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again.
The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you’ve sneezed and three times you’ve taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently!
Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?"
The woman replies, "I’m sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I’ve never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."
Jokes: That birth certificate
It was recently reported in the news that the President had been accidentally locked out of the White House. For that one panicked moment Obama thought that they must have found his real birth certificate.
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Q. What Bruce Springsteen song always makes Obama grin?
A. “Born in the U.S.A.”
****************************
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Q. What Bruce Springsteen song always makes Obama grin?
A. “Born in the U.S.A.”
****************************
Fun with Paraprosdokians .... Part IV
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine
Found on tombstones ... part 2
A lawyer's epitaph in England :
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
.............
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
------------
In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England :
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went
Out of tune.
------------
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont : 0A
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
---------
In a cemetery in Massachusetts :
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God..
----------
In a cemetery in England :
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so shall you be..
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent.
Until I know which way you went.
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
.............
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
------------
In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England :
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went
Out of tune.
------------
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont : 0A
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
---------
In a cemetery in Massachusetts :
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God..
----------
In a cemetery in England :
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so shall you be..
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent.
Until I know which way you went.
Why teachers turn to drink
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
----------------------------------
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
*************************************************************************
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
----------------------------------
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
*************************************************************************
Joke: All the equipment
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage.
After several hours of fishing, he decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
"Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' said the officer and hurried away.
After several hours of fishing, he decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
"Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' said the officer and hurried away.
Joke: Irishman in the elevator
Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says:
'7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'
The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me................. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'
The little white Irishman says:
"Turner Brown'?!.... I thought you said, "Turn around"!
The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says:
'7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'
The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me................. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'
The little white Irishman says:
"Turner Brown'?!.... I thought you said, "Turn around"!
Fun with rhymes .... Love or Not
According to the friend I got these from, there was a competition at some magazine and the "Poets" were required to send in only 2-line poems. The first line all complimentary and the second .... well read them yourself.
1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.
-----------
2. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
-----------
3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
-------------
4. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.
-------------
5. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
--------------
6. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
-----------
7. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
------------
8. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
------------
9. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'
--------------
10. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
............................................................................................
1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.
-----------
2. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
-----------
3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
-------------
4. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.
-------------
5. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
--------------
6. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
-----------
7. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
------------
8. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
------------
9. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'
--------------
10. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
............................................................................................
Joke: Maid requests a salary increase
A maid asked for a pay increase
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked:
'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, Mam, there are THREE REASONS why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband say so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you are a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.
Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.
Wife: (really furious now) 'Ah! Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Mam... Your driver says'.
Wife: 'Ok Ok, So how much do you want?'
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked:
'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, Mam, there are THREE REASONS why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband say so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you are a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.
Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.
Wife: (really furious now) 'Ah! Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Mam... Your driver says'.
Wife: 'Ok Ok, So how much do you want?'
Joke: A SHART burkha babe .... What?! you don't think that's possible ?
Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan , several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'
The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said,
“Land mines.”
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'
The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said,
“Land mines.”
Fun with Paraprosdokians .... Part III
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
------------
I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
--------------
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?
------------
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
-------
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
-------
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
----------
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
----------
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
------
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
----------
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
-----------
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
------------
I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
--------------
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?
------------
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
-------
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
-------
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
----------
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
----------
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
------
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
----------
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
-----------
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
Found on Tombstones ... part 1
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany , New York :
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
Car was on the way down. It was.
=============================
In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no
Place to go.
=============================
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in
East Dalhousie Cemetery , Nova Scotia :
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102... Only The
Good Die Young..
=============================
In a London , England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
=============================
In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread, And
The Lord sent them manna. Clark Wallace
Wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.
===============================
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.... Pardon him
For not rising..
===============================
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
==============================
In a Silver City , Nevada , cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
================================
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
Car was on the way down. It was.
=============================
In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no
Place to go.
=============================
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in
East Dalhousie Cemetery , Nova Scotia :
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102... Only The
Good Die Young..
=============================
In a London , England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
=============================
In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread, And
The Lord sent them manna. Clark Wallace
Wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.
===============================
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.... Pardon him
For not rising..
===============================
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
==============================
In a Silver City , Nevada , cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
================================
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Fun with Paraprosdokians .... Part II
We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Joke: The best punishment
Husband and wife had a tiff.
Wife called up her mum and said, “he fought with me again, I am coming to live with you”.
Mom said, “no sweetie, he must pay for his mistake, I am coming to stay with you.”
Wife called up her mum and said, “he fought with me again, I am coming to live with you”.
Mom said, “no sweetie, he must pay for his mistake, I am coming to stay with you.”
Joke: Dumb and dumber
Dumbo to Doctor: I Swallowed A Key.
Doctor : When?
Dumbo: 3 Months ago
Doctor: Why didn't you visit before now?
Dumbo: I was using a duplicate Key. Now, that's lost too.
............
Dumb to Dumber: I always kiss my wife before I leave for work.
Dumber to Dumb: I always kiss your wife after you leave for work.
Dumbest to Dumber: Hah ... but I kiss her first !!
Doctor : When?
Dumbo: 3 Months ago
Doctor: Why didn't you visit before now?
Dumbo: I was using a duplicate Key. Now, that's lost too.
............
Dumb to Dumber: I always kiss my wife before I leave for work.
Dumber to Dumb: I always kiss your wife after you leave for work.
Dumbest to Dumber: Hah ... but I kiss her first !!
Truth: How to tell if a journalist is a lefty
A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'
The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...
So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'
The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page :
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'
The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...
So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'
The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page :
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
Joke: Firefighters in a sausage factory
One dark night in the small town of Woopwoop, W.A, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink, the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.'
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon, more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.
Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Baringa volunteer fire department, composed mainly of Aboriginal firefighters over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Aboriginal firefighters, passed the fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Aboriginal old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the Baringa old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Aboriginal firefighters.
A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Aboriginal fire chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'
'Well,' said Chief Billy Cokebottle, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de first ting we gonnna do is fix dem brakes on dat farkin old truck, eh!!'
When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.'
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon, more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.
Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Baringa volunteer fire department, composed mainly of Aboriginal firefighters over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Aboriginal firefighters, passed the fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Aboriginal old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the Baringa old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Aboriginal firefighters.
A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Aboriginal fire chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'
'Well,' said Chief Billy Cokebottle, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de first ting we gonnna do is fix dem brakes on dat farkin old truck, eh!!'
Joke: Mohammed bin Mohammed confesses
Mohammed is studying in the West.
He calls his mom:
Mohammed: Mom, I have AIDS. I want to come home to be with you.
Mother: Don't come back my son..
Mohammed: Why Mom?
Mother: If you come back then your wife will be infected. From your wife to your brother, from your brother to our maid, from our maid to your dad, from your dad to my sister and from my sister to her husband, from him to me and from me to our driver, from our driver to your sister and if your sister got AIDS, then...the whole village will be infected!:
So in the name of allah please save our village. Don't come back!..
He calls his mom:
Mohammed: Mom, I have AIDS. I want to come home to be with you.
Mother: Don't come back my son..
Mohammed: Why Mom?
Mother: If you come back then your wife will be infected. From your wife to your brother, from your brother to our maid, from our maid to your dad, from your dad to my sister and from my sister to her husband, from him to me and from me to our driver, from our driver to your sister and if your sister got AIDS, then...the whole village will be infected!:
So in the name of allah please save our village. Don't come back!..
Fun with paraprosdokians .... part I
I received these from a friend who says that paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected, usually in a humorous way. I hope you enjoy them.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
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