From Him to Her:
Hi Sweetheart,
I am sorry about getting into an argument about putting up the Christmas lights. I guess that sometimes I feel like you are pushing me too hard when you want something. I realize that I was wrong and I am apologizing for being such a hard-headed guy. All I want is for you to be happy and be able to enjoy the holiday season. Nothing brightens the Christmas spirit like Christmas lights! I took the time to hang the lights for you today; and now I will be off to the hockey rink. Again, I am very sorry for the way I acted yesterday. I'll be home later. Love you……
..............................
From Her to Him:
Hi Honey,
Thank you for that heart-felt apology. I don't often get an apology from you, and I truly appreciate it. I, too, felt bad about the argument and wanted to apologize. I realize that I can sometimes be a little pushy. I will try to respect your feelings from now on.Thank you for taking the time to hang the Christmas lights for me. It really means a lot. In the spirit of giving, I washed your truck for you; and now I am off to the mall. I love you too!  |
Monday, January 14, 2013
Apology Letters
Pearls of Wisdom .... part 3/5
Lawyers believe that a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall
~ Robin Hall
*****
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand.
*****
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
*****
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ W.H. Auden
*****
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
~ Jonathan Katz
*****
A flower that blooms only 3 days every 40 years
Unbelievable.
The largest flower in the world blossoms in Blanco, Veracruz, Mexico.
2 meters high and weighing 75 kilos, it has the peculiarity of blooming only during three days every 40 years.
You'd only see it once or twice in a lifetime!
Amorphophallus Titanum (Araceae), also called "Cadaverous flower" has the peculiarity of blooming only during three days every 40 years, a privilege that Mother Nature bestowed on this town in Veracruz .
The largest flower in the world blossoms in Blanco, Veracruz, Mexico.
2 meters high and weighing 75 kilos, it has the peculiarity of blooming only during three days every 40 years.
You'd only see it once or twice in a lifetime!
Amorphophallus Titanum (Araceae), also called "Cadaverous flower" has the peculiarity of blooming only during three days every 40 years, a privilege that Mother Nature bestowed on this town in Veracruz .
Pearls of Wisdom .... Part 2/5
The only reason that they say, 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr
~ Jean Kerr
*****
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
*****
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
~ Jeff Foxworthy
*****
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip
*****
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.
*****
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford
*****
The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan
*****
Pearls of Wisdom .... Part 1/5
Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day. Give him religion and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.
~ Timothy Jones
*****
When the white missionaries came to Africa, they had the Bible and we had the land. They said, 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them, we had the Bible and they had the land.
~ Desmond Tutu
*****
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real, but the moon landing was faked.
~ David Letterman
*****
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit! I'm a billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes
*****
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb
*****
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind
Man and a Woman marooned on an island
If anybody visiting my blog is wondering where I get all the stuff I upload here.... it's from emails I receive from friends and relatives. There usually is so much good stuff there that that was the inspiration of starting this blog and saving the stuff here before deleting the emails.
One day a man decided to retire...
He booked himself on a Caribbean
cruise and proceeded to have the
time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks,"Where did you
come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to
have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman."I made
the boat out of some raw material I found
on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a
Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman.
"On the south side of the island, a very
unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed.
I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that
to make tools and used the tools to
make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon
docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man
looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a
cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the row boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."
"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"Oh it's not coconut juice," winks the woman.
"I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement,
the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,
"I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing
but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down
next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.
You must have been lonely. When was the
last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing."You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, !
!
!
!
!
!
!
! "You've built a Golf Course?"
One day a man decided to retire...
He booked himself on a Caribbean
cruise and proceeded to have the
time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks,"Where did you
come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to
have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman."I made
the boat out of some raw material I found
on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a
Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman.
"On the south side of the island, a very
unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed.
I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that
to make tools and used the tools to
make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon
docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man
looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a
cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the row boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."
"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"Oh it's not coconut juice," winks the woman.
"I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement,
the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,
"I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing
but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down
next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.
You must have been lonely. When was the
last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing."You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, !
!
!
!
!
!
!
! "You've built a Golf Course?"
Blonde Men .... 4/4
A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?" He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy!" he replies.
------------------------------------
A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him
hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blond replies. "It should be around your neck" says the guard. "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
"Hanging myself," the blond replies. "It should be around your neck" says the guard. "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
------------------------------------
(This one actually makes sense.)
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do Scuba divers
always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
Blonde Men ..... 3/4
A blond man shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------------
A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road. The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
------------------------------------
Blonde Men .... 2/4
A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?" He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
------------------------------
A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me." The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
------------------------------------
A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------------
Blonde Men jokes .... 1/4
A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year." The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------------
Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take
them to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?" The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------------
A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
..................
Driving a hearse is not easy
Just a Tap on the Shoulder A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me." The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault.
Today is my first day driving a cab . . . . . . I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
Suicide Bombers' Strike ... more Labor Union problems
BBC NEWSMuslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a
three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of
virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks
with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that
the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his
death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A
spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of
suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the
afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of
Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement
saying the move was to its members and called for a strike vote.
General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are
literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We
don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is
like a kick in the teeth".
Speaking from his shed in Ti pton in the West Midlands ,
Al Qaeda chief executive Haisheet Mapants explained, "I
sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not
in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not
accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive
marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic
shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice
between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like
cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff
that they won't be able to blow themselves up.
Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England,
Ireland , Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that
the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few
virgins in their areas anyway.
According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the
number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence
of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim jihadists now
know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their
benefit packages.
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