More fun with words and phrases

21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

 

22. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY', THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND?

23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

 

24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

 

25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

 

26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

 

27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

 

28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

 

29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASTEROIDS"?

 

30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

 

31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

 

32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?

 

33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

 

Fun with words and phrases

The Philosophy of Ambiguity and the idiosyncrasies of the English language.
 

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR.

 

2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

 

3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

 

4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

 

5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

 

6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

 

7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

 

8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

 

9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

 

10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

 

11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

 

12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

 

13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

 

14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?

 

15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

 

16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

 

17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

 

18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

 

19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

 

20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

Play on words

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid.
He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.
I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns.
It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood,
but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first?
They had reservations.

We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first.
Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank,
but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class
because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home.
Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The Deception of the English Language

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and there would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.

We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing,
Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
What do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English

Should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

We ship by truck but send cargo by ship...
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
In which your house can burn up as it burns down,
In which you fill in a form by filling it out,
And in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And in closing..........

If Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop.???

Pearls of Wisdom .... Part 5/5

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
            ~ Doug Hamwell

*****

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
            ~ George Roberts

*****

If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
            ~ Jonathan Winters

*****

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
            ~ Robert Benchley

Oops ! Pardon me

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from  Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't  like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them...

Oh my God, what have I just said?"

Unusual Tombstones .... part One

A Congress of Baboons

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals. We are all familiar with
a Herd ofcows,
a Flock of chickens,
a School of fish
and a Gaggle of geese.

However, less widely known is:
a Pride of lions,
a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens),
an Exaltation of doves
and, presumably because they look so wise:
a Parliament of owls.

Now consider a group of Baboons.  They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.  And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?

Believe it or not ……. a Congress!



A CONGRESS OF BABOONS!

I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington

Tourists and accents

Two visitors from Italy touring the USA  get onto a bus in New York.
They sit down & engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma cums first.
Den I cum.
Den two asses cum together.
I cum once-a-more!
2 asses, they cum 2gether again.
I cum again and pee twice.
Then I cum one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more and shouts "You foul-mouthed sex-obsessed maniacs, in this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives however extraordinary they might be."

"Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. "Who talkin' about sex?

I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi."

Spanish Lessons and the Debate about a computer

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish,

unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

       'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'

       'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

       A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into

two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves

whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group

was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

        The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be

of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

       1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

       2. The native language they use to communicate with other

computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

       3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory

for possible later retrieval; and

       4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself

spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be

Masculine ('el computador'), because:

       1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

       2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

       3. They are supposed to help you solve problems,  but half the time they ARE the problem; and

        4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

       The women won.