Sunday, April 1, 2012
Joke: Pray for Peace
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a brick wall.!!!!
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a brick wall.!!!!
Joke: To Screw or to ....
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1964, and Fred had a date with Peggy.
He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
'Oh, come on in!' Peggy's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
'Have a seat in the living room.
Would you like something to drink?
Lemonade? Iced tea?'
'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mum brought the iced tea.
'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.
'Oh, probably catch a film, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the Berni Inn, maybe take a walk on the beach..'
'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him.
'Really?' Fred replied, his eyebrows rising.
'Oh yes,' the mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do! Screw, again and again !!'
'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.
'Yes,' said the mother.'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'
'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternative plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hooped skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.
She greeted Fred.
'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.
Two hours later, a completely dishevelled Peggy burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
'The Twist, Mum!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen.
'The bloody dance is called the Twist !!!'
He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
'Oh, come on in!' Peggy's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
'Have a seat in the living room.
Would you like something to drink?
Lemonade? Iced tea?'
'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mum brought the iced tea.
'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.
'Oh, probably catch a film, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the Berni Inn, maybe take a walk on the beach..'
'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him.
'Really?' Fred replied, his eyebrows rising.
'Oh yes,' the mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do! Screw, again and again !!'
'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.
'Yes,' said the mother.'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'
'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternative plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hooped skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.
She greeted Fred.
'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.
Two hours later, a completely dishevelled Peggy burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
'The Twist, Mum!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen.
'The bloody dance is called the Twist !!!'
Joke: Tormented Parents
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick. So he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'Hello ? '
'Is your daddy home?' ' Yes, he's out in the garden ,' whispered the small voice. 'May I talk with him?'The child whispered, ' No .' ;
So the boss asked, 'Well, is your Mommy there?' 'Yes, she's out in the garden too '& The boss asked; 'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No .' Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?' ' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman.. '
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?' ' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child. 'Busy doing what?' ' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men. ' Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?' ' It's a helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. ' The search team just landed a helicopter ' 'A search team?' said the boss. 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle.... ' ME
'Is your daddy home?' ' Yes, he's out in the garden ,' whispered the small voice. 'May I talk with him?'The child whispered, ' No .' ;
So the boss asked, 'Well, is your Mommy there?' 'Yes, she's out in the garden too '& The boss asked; 'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No .' Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?' ' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman.. '
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?' ' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child. 'Busy doing what?' ' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men. ' Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?' ' It's a helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. ' The search team just landed a helicopter ' 'A search team?' said the boss. 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle.... ' ME
Joke: Statues and Sex (of a kind anyway)
There are two statues in a park; One of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life!!!!!!!!
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we?'
She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions . . . this time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we?'
She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions . . . this time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'
Joke: Delusional Lefty Sponger
Last night, my daughter just walked into the living room and said,
"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately. Throw out all my clothes, take away my TV, my stereo, my iPhone, and my iPod. Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or give it to Goodwill. Then sell my car, my horse, and laptop. Take my front door key away from me, throw me out of the house and rent my room out. You must disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my sisters."
Well, she didn't put it quite like that.
She actually said:
“Dad, I have decided to work for Obama's re-election campaign”.
"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately. Throw out all my clothes, take away my TV, my stereo, my iPhone, and my iPod. Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or give it to Goodwill. Then sell my car, my horse, and laptop. Take my front door key away from me, throw me out of the house and rent my room out. You must disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my sisters."
Well, she didn't put it quite like that.
She actually said:
“Dad, I have decided to work for Obama's re-election campaign”.
Joke: Lone Ranger and his horse Silver
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured By a hostile Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaimed, "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger"...
"In honor of the Buffalo Hunt, YOU will be sacrificed in three days."
"Before we kill you, I grant you three requests" "What is your FIRST request?'
The Lone Ranger said, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nodded and Silver was brought before the Lone Ranger who whispered in Silver's ear, and the horse galloped away.
Later that evening, Silver returned with A beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watched, The blonde entered the Lone Ranger's tent And spent the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admitted That he was impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, But we will still kill you in two days."
"What is your SECOND request?"
The Lone Ranger again asked to speak to his horse. Silver came to him, and he again whispered in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver took off and disappeared over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returned, This time with a voluptuous brunette, Even more attractive than the blonde.
She entered the Lone Ranger's tent And spent the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief said: "You are indeed a man of many talents,"
"But we will still kill you tomorrow." "What is your LAST request?"
The Lone Ranger responded, "I'd like to speak to my horse - alone."
The Chief was curious, but he agreed, And Silver was brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they were alone, The Lone Ranger grabbed Silver by both ears,
Looked him square in the eye and said, Listen Very Carefully! FOR...THE...LAST...TIME....
"BRING POSSE!"
The Indian Chief proclaimed, "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger"...
"In honor of the Buffalo Hunt, YOU will be sacrificed in three days."
"Before we kill you, I grant you three requests" "What is your FIRST request?'
The Lone Ranger said, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nodded and Silver was brought before the Lone Ranger who whispered in Silver's ear, and the horse galloped away.
Later that evening, Silver returned with A beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watched, The blonde entered the Lone Ranger's tent And spent the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admitted That he was impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, But we will still kill you in two days."
"What is your SECOND request?"
The Lone Ranger again asked to speak to his horse. Silver came to him, and he again whispered in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver took off and disappeared over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returned, This time with a voluptuous brunette, Even more attractive than the blonde.
She entered the Lone Ranger's tent And spent the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief said: "You are indeed a man of many talents,"
"But we will still kill you tomorrow." "What is your LAST request?"
The Lone Ranger responded, "I'd like to speak to my horse - alone."
The Chief was curious, but he agreed, And Silver was brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they were alone, The Lone Ranger grabbed Silver by both ears,
Looked him square in the eye and said, Listen Very Carefully! FOR...THE...LAST...TIME....
"BRING POSSE!"
Joke: The much married wife
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Joke: The Blonde in the Pilot seat
A blonde is flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. The pilot has a heart attack and dies.
She frantically picks up the microphone and radios, "May Day! May Day ! Help me ! Help me ! My pilot has had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly. Help me ! "
The Tower comes on: "This is the Tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just Relax. Everything will be fine ! Now give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
"O.K." says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father, Who Art in Heaven . . ."
She frantically picks up the microphone and radios, "May Day! May Day ! Help me ! Help me ! My pilot has had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly. Help me ! "
The Tower comes on: "This is the Tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just Relax. Everything will be fine ! Now give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
"O.K." says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father, Who Art in Heaven . . ."
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Joke: The drunk Irish priest
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'
'Just water,' says the priest.
The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'
The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'
He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'
'Just water,' says the priest.
The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'
The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'
Jokes: GPS override, Arab and his 18 holes,
Friend #1: Are You Visiting Us Tomorrow? Do You Need Directions?
Friend #2: I'm All Set. I Have The Address, A GPS, And A GPS Override.
Friend #1: What's A GPS Override?
Friend #2: My Wife.
..............................
Chinese : I Have 10 Children. 1 More and I Will Have My Own Football Team.
Arab : I Have 17 Wives, 1 More and I Will Have My Private Golf Course Of 18 Holes.
...................
Friend #2: I'm All Set. I Have The Address, A GPS, And A GPS Override.
Friend #1: What's A GPS Override?
Friend #2: My Wife.
..............................
Chinese : I Have 10 Children. 1 More and I Will Have My Own Football Team.
Arab : I Have 17 Wives, 1 More and I Will Have My Private Golf Course Of 18 Holes.
...................
Quotable quotes : Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh .... Part II
These quotes are attributed to Prince Philip long before the disease of "political correctness" descended on Earth and made us all dumb and dull.
"It looks as if it was put in by an Indian." Of a fuse box , whilst on a tour of a factory in Edinburgh, Scotland, in 1999
"Well, you'll never fly in it, you're too fat to be an astronaut" Said at the University of Salford to a 13-year-old aspiring astronaut.
"There's a lot of your family in tonight."Said in November 2009 to a Mr Patel (a common Indian Surname) at a reception for 400 British Indian businessmen.
"You can't have been here that long — you haven't got a pot belly." Said to a Briton in Budapest, Hungary in 1993
"Deaf? If you are near there, no wonder you are deaf." On a visit to the new National Assembly for Wales in Cardiff, said to a group of deaf children standing next to a Jamaican steel drum band,
"Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed." In 1981, in reference to an economic recession
"A gun is no more dangerous than a cricket bat in the hands of a madman."As quoted in "Deaf insulted by duke's remark" BBC News (27 May 1999
"You have mosquitoes. I have the Press." In a 1966 conversation with the matron of a hospital while on a tour of the Caribbean
"It looks as if it was put in by an Indian." Of a fuse box , whilst on a tour of a factory in Edinburgh, Scotland, in 1999
"Well, you'll never fly in it, you're too fat to be an astronaut" Said at the University of Salford to a 13-year-old aspiring astronaut.
"There's a lot of your family in tonight."Said in November 2009 to a Mr Patel (a common Indian Surname) at a reception for 400 British Indian businessmen.
"You can't have been here that long — you haven't got a pot belly." Said to a Briton in Budapest, Hungary in 1993
"Deaf? If you are near there, no wonder you are deaf." On a visit to the new National Assembly for Wales in Cardiff, said to a group of deaf children standing next to a Jamaican steel drum band,
"Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed." In 1981, in reference to an economic recession
"A gun is no more dangerous than a cricket bat in the hands of a madman."As quoted in "Deaf insulted by duke's remark" BBC News (27 May 1999
"You have mosquitoes. I have the Press." In a 1966 conversation with the matron of a hospital while on a tour of the Caribbean
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Witty Signs for your profession
Sign over a Gynaecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tyre Store
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Vets waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**********************
Sign on the back of yet another
Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
**************
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tyre Store
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Vets waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**********************
Sign on the back of yet another
Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
**************
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Friday, January 13, 2012
The American and the French woman ... travelling on a train
The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog.
The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat."
The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?"
The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there?". I'm very tired.
The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted.
"You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....!"
The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American.
An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly.
"You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat."
The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?"
The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there?". I'm very tired.
The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted.
"You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....!"
The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American.
An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly.
"You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Coffee Time
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee..."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee..."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"
Oh...those pesky females ... always getting the last word !
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word..
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws
...........
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
..............
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain . God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
..........
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws
...........
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
..............
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain . God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
..........
Goodbye Mum
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mum' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mum."
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mum' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mum."
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too.
More Bible humor
Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep
------
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
......
PS: Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . 'He-brews'
--------
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep
------
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
......
PS: Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . 'He-brews'
--------
Driver and the traffic camera
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding.
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result.
He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result.
He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..
They walk amongst us
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)
.............
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
-----------
Yup !! They walk amongst us
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)
.............
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
-----------
Yup !! They walk amongst us
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Bible humor
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
......
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
---------
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
.........
Q.. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
........
Q. Which area of Middle East was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan . The banks were always overflowing
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
......
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
---------
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
.........
Q.. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
........
Q. Which area of Middle East was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan . The banks were always overflowing
Nancy Pelosi and the psychiatrist
A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.
'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'
'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track..'
'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.
Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''
Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'
'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'
'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track..'
'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.
Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''
Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'
Fridge for sale
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a Sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice. He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal. So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'
The next day someone stole it!
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a Sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice. He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal. So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'
The next day someone stole it!
The Bull fight and the aftermath
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,
"Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins!"
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,
"Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins!"
Prayers ...more funny stuff that kids say
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied,
"Because people are sleeping."
.........
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church.
Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
"See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
-------------
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
"Did God throw him back down?"
..............
One bright little girl replied,
"Because people are sleeping."
.........
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church.
Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
"See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
-------------
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
"Did God throw him back down?"
..............
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