Saturday, March 22, 2014

How one can tell when someone is a murderer or not

A first degree murder case was wrapping up in San Francisco.  The prosecutor's case was very unusual in that it was based exclusively on circumstantial evidence.  The husband was accused of killing his wife, but they could never find the body. 

The prosecutor gave his closing argument and demanded that the jury of 13 adults render a verdict of guilty of murder in the first degree.
But the defense counsel had something up his sleeve.  As he addressed the jury he said something most provocative:

"Ladies and gentlemen, this case, so built around circumstantial evidence is really about the concept of reasonable doubt.  Because, you see, as you will soon find out, the victim in this case, Mrs. Dribble, is going to walk through that door in 10 minutes and you will know Mr. Dribble is innocent."

A hush settled over the crowded courtroom as the attorney continued to speak with everyone's eyes constantly glancing toward the door between the jury and the audience.  As time passed toward the 10-minute deadline, people began to shuffle in their chairs and wipe their brows.  But the attorney continued to speak until it was past the 10 minutes.  But, Mrs. Dribble, the alleged victim, did not enter as he promised.

He continued:  "You see, members of the jury, you must have reasonable doubt or you would not have been looking repeatedly at the door.  Your own sense of doubt made you have an expectation of innocence. You must find my client not guilty of the charge of first degree murder."  With that, he closed and thanked the panel.  

The judge gave the jury their instructions and the bailiff led them to the jury room to deliberate on the guilt or innocence of Mr. Dribble.  It took them only 10 minutes and they indicated they had a verdict.

The defense was very sure they would be returning a "not guilty" verdict and he could barely contain his sense of self-assuredness.  He smiled at his client with a warmth that exuded comfort and success.
The jury foreman was asked to return the verdict form to the court's bailiff to be read out loud:

"We the jury find the defendant, Gunther Dribble, guilty of the crime of murder in the first degree."

The defense attorney was devastated and demanded to poll every juror.  But, as he started with the jury foreman, he did not have to go very far.  "Mr. foreman, you, yourself, had your eyes constantly moving toward the door.  You must have had reasonable doubt."

The jury foreman smiled cattily at the defense attorney:  "Yes. That's true, counsel", he responded."but what we noticed also was that your client was the only person in the entire courtroom who never looked at the door."

Actually, I like Muslims and their religion, EXCEPT for ....




Quotes about idiots in government

"A top geneticist at Stanford says human intelligence is declining. You know what that means? We are seeing Congress at its smartest and most effective right now." –Jay Leno

...............

"President Obama gave his State of the Union speech and went through a laundry list of things, most of them very centrist -- like he said he wanted universal preschool. He said he got the idea from trying to work with the Republicans in Congress the last few years." –Bill Maher

God must have been in a good mood when he designed these ... part 2








                             

                                                                                       




                                                                   











British HAHAHAHA


A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit the Middle East .
Two million Muslims died  And over a million were injured.. 
 
Iraq and Iran are totally ruined,

The governments don't know where To start with providing help to rebuild. 

The rest of the world is in shock.
 
The USA is sending troops to help. 
 
Saudi Arabia is sending oil. 
 
Latin American countries are sending Supplies.
 
New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops. 
 
The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding the Infrastructure. 
 
Canada is sending medical teams and supplies. 
 
GREAT BRITAIN , not to be outdone.....
Is sending two million replacement Muslims. 
Damn those Brits are smart !! 

God must have been in a good mood when he designed these .... part 1











Friday, December 13, 2013

Cartoons for Christmastime .... Obama and Santa


Conan O'Brien's jokes and pokes at Obama .... 5


"One of President Obama's goals tonight is to win back female voters. Which explains why Obama is going to answer every question with a passage from 'Fifty Shades of Grey.'" –Conan O'Brien

...........

"The Obama campaign is releasing a new ad showing Americans whose financial situation has improved over the past four years. Unfortunately, the only person who appears in the ad is Mitt Romney." –Conan O'Brien

.............

"Conservatives are now criticizing President Obama because as a child in Indonesia he sometimes ate dog meat. But on the plus side, Obama is now polling very well among cats." –Conan O'Brien

..............

Cartoon ... Obamacare fixed by Obama's finger


Conan O'Brien's jokes and pokes at Obama ..... 4

"Donald Trump said he'd give $5 million to charity if President Obama released his college transcripts. Obama responded by sending Trump a full transcript from his alma mater, the University of Shove It Up Your Ass." –Conan O'Brien

............

"Tonight President Obama and Mitt Romney hold their final debate in Boca Raton, Florida. The topic of the debate is what is more shocking to see in Boca Raton, a Mormon or a black guy." –Conan O'Brien

............

"Endorsements are rolling in. The Atheist Party has endorsed Obama for president. When told the news Obama said, 'Thank God.'" –Conan O'Brien

.................

Christmas Group Therapy


Conan O'Brien's jokes and pokes at Obama .... 3

"Some Republicans are saying that due to his current scandals, President Obama should be impeached. In response, Obama laughed and said, 'Two words fellas: President Biden.'" --Conan O'Brien

.............

"President Obama's inauguration is coming up. During next week's inauguration, he will be sworn in with not one, but two Bibles. Relax, Mr. President. We get it. You're not a Muslim. You're overcompensating." –Conan O'Brien

..............

Cartoons for Christmastime .... Santa and Reindeer .... 4


Conan O'Brien's jokes and pokes at Obama ..... 2

"Syria's President Assad referred to President Obama as weak. Obama is so angry he plans to ask Congress for permission to come up with a good comeback." –Conan O'Brien

.................

"This weekend President Obama celebrated his 52nd birthday. For his birthday, Michelle Obama jumped out of a cake and told him he's not allowed to have any." –Conan O'Brien

.............

Cartoons for Christmastime .... Santa and Reindeer .... 3


Conan O'Brien's Obama jokes and pokes .... 1


"In a speech today President Obama called for a new era of bipartisan cooperation. He said this because Obama likes to start off a speech with a joke.” –Conan O'Brien

......................

"President Obama said the day after the budget deal is made he's going to concentrate on immigration. He says he'll start by deporting Ted Cruz." –Conan O'Brien

................

Cartoons for Christmastime ... Santa and Reindeer ... 2


The beauty in married life


If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
......

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

.........

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!' Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

..........

A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him,
and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death'

Cartoons for Christmastime .... Santa and Reindeer .... 1


All seeing blind man

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. 


After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him:
 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.'

Friday, July 26, 2013

The confession of an altar boy

Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is..'
 

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joe y, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later

so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
 

The priest sighs in frustration. 

'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. 
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.' 

Joey walks back to his pew,

and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.

Demands from the Old


That's life! Married life!

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?', 'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'


..........

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: 'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'


...........

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

...............

A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?' Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'

...........

A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'


...........

The solution: Burkha cars in Saudi Arabia to permit women to drive


Jewellery and stuff

Phone conversation between husband and wife:
  
Wife:  Where the  hell are you?

Husband: Darling you remember that jewellery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money at that time and I said "Baby It'll Be Yours one Day"

Happy Wife:  Yeah my love, I remember.

Husband:  I am  in the Pub  next door to it.

Wedding Anniversay


The things kids say !!

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST. KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. 

THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.
 
  

1.IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.


2.ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.


3.LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.


4.THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.


5.SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.


6.SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES. 


7.MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS
 


8,THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT
 CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS 

9.THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
 

10.THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY. 


11.MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.


12.THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.


13.DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.


14.SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.


15.WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
 

16.WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
 

17.JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.


18.ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.


19.JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU.  HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.


20.IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.


21.THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.


22.THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.


23.ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.


24.ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.


25.CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE.  THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

Cats and Dogs


More fun with words and phrases


21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
 
22. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY', THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND?

23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
 
24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
 
25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
 
26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
 
27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
 
28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
 
29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASTEROIDS"?
 
30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
 
31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
 
32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?
 
33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
 

How to insult pro-choice activists

Just tell them that you wish their mothers too had been pro-choice like them,  because then there would be the possibility that they  wouldn't exist thus saving you the trouble and frustration of debating  idiots.


Fun with words and phrases

The Philosophy of Ambiguity and the idiosyncrasies of the English language.
 
1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR.
 
2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
 
3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
 
4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
 
5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
 
6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
 
7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
 
8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
 
9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
 
10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
 
11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
 
12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
 
13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
 
14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?
 
15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
 
16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
 
17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
 
18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
 
19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
 
20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

The best positions in bed

Not what you were expecting to see, eh?!  LOL







Irish Pubs and free drinks

The Englishman, Scot and Irishman were boasting about how good were the pubs they frequented.

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually.
Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!" 

 
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.

"Did this actually happen to you, Paddy ?"

"Not me meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
 

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Death to everybody .... with love from Iran


The New Boss

THE NEW BOSS
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here."
He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Red Riding Hood meets Obama


Peanut Picker


Play on words

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid.
He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.
I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns.
It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood,
but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first?
They had reservations.

We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first.
Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank,
but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class
because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home.
Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!