Lexophiles

Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that  have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna  fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take  debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles  U.C.L.A.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a  dress.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was
resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's
all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.

Play on words

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid.
He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.
I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns.
It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood,
but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first?
They had reservations.

We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first.
Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank,
but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class
because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home.
Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!