Saturday, August 21, 2010

Nice Story of friendship between an orangutan and a dog

After losing his parents, this 3 year old orangutan was so depressed he wouldn't eat and didn't respond to any medical treatments.

The veterinarians thought he would surely die from sadness. The zoo keepers found an old sick dog on the grounds in the park at the zoo where the orangutan lived and took the dog to the animal treatment center.

The dog arrived at the same time the orangutan was there being treated.

The 2 lost souls met and have been inseparable ever since.

The orangutan found a new reason to live and each always tries his best to be a good companion to his new found friend.

They are together 24 hours a day in all their activities

Joke: Deodorant stick

I got this new deodorant stick today.  The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom.

I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells awesome.

I hope this is a joke. ONLY in Canada

Joke: Great birthday gift

One day I met a sweet girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up eating beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside, I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand.

With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the dinner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.

I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than stinking cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long.

She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!" I nearly died!

Funny Pic: Gotta be a mad muzzie

Only a devote muslim praying to his whatever.

Joke: Rich Jewish Sons

*Four Jewish brothers left home for college, and eventually, they became successful doctors and lawyers -- and prospered.
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother, who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theatre built  in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her a SL 600  with a chauffeur."

The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved  reading the Torah and you know she can't anymore because she can't see very well.  I met this Rabbi who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire  Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him.  I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years  to the Temple, but it was worth it.
Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will  recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mama sent out her Thank You notes.
She wrote:  Milton - Bubbileh, the house you built is so huge, I live  in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.

Marvin --- Mine Sheyne Kindele, I am too old to travel. I stay home. I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes and  the driver you hired is a Nazi. The thought was good. Thanks.

Mechim - - - Tataleh, you give me an expensive theatre with  Dolby sound,it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead. I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.

Dearest Melvin --- You were the only son to have the good sense  to give a little thought to your gift.

The chicken was delicious.

Video: Funny Cats

Cartoons: Illegal Immigrants

Joke: Do not spank your kids, just talk to them

Most of America 's populace thinks it improper to spank children.

The other day I was speaking to one of my younger buddies about discipline methods.

We talked about 'time outs', grounding, holding back 'rewards' until the child displayed desired behavior, etc. We discussed spanking and my friend explained that he does not spank his children.

He said he takes the misbehaving child out for a ride in the car and a talk. He said that usually this works, that the child calms down fairly quickly and it really doesn't take too much time.

By removing the child, in this case his son, from the immediate situation and providing a change of scenery, the child is allowed to focus on something different. Once the child has the opportunity to change perspective, things get better quickly and the child has better understanding of his place in the family and begins to understand.the family's concept of acceptable behavior.
He kindly shared a picture of the process which I share with you now.

Ten Most Cleanest countries

Could this be true of some parents ? part I

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and I had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan . 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse roland from p.e. For a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip..

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray Friday from school.. He has very loose vowels.

Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids

Countries with the highest ice cream consumers

Joke: Johnny, the little monster

One day the teacher came to class with a rose placed in her cleavage.

She asked, "Can anyone tell me what roses drink? How about you, Johnny ?"

"Milk!" answered Little Johnny.

"No, I'm sorry. That's the wrong answer. Roses drink water," explained the teacher.

"Wow!" Johnny exclaimed. "I didn't know the stem was that long!"

Joke: Sex Education class

The teacher at the beginning of the class says:

"OK kids, we are going to talk about sex education today. First we'll talk about how the human reproduction goes on..."

Immediately, little Johnny raises his hand, and desperately tries to get the teacher's attention.

But the teacher, knowing how little Johnny is about these things, goes on...

"... First, a man a woman have to be in love... "

But little Johny keeps his hand up, waving it up and down, and from one side to the other one.

The teacher ignores him.."..They have to be very much in love because..."

But now little Johnny even starts making noise with his feet, so the teacher decides to acknowledge him:

" OK, little Johnny. What do you want to say."

Little Johnny then stands up, and says:

"I just wanted to ask.  Those of us who have already fucked,can we leave?"

Countries with the most divorces

Joke: Maxine and Towels

Joke: Satan and the brave churchgoer

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

' Nope,' said the old man

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied,

'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'

Cartoon: Good Christian men get their 72 ..... in Heaven

Joke: Blonde gets tired of blonde jokes

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these Blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.

He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.

She reeplies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it



Cartoons: Examination Papers

Witty Sayings from Maxine ? Who else could say these thing?!!

Maxine on diet, exercise and what not.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise

the last few years,...... just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Joke: Old couple has dynamite sex

An elderly couple were celebrating their golden anniversary and were out having a few drinks together.

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?

"We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you for the first time".

"Oh Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but fun idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.

Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious/violent sex that the policeman has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming, the old lady's fingers clawing/scratching the old guys back.
Finally, they both collapse, gasping/panting and trembling on the ground.

Jesus, thinks the amazed cop. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the  old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The Policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, the old lady with a glazed happy look, and the old man wheezing & struggling to walk, he says to them,

"Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man's hoarse whisper barely able to be heard, replies:

"Fifty years ago that fence wasn't electric!"

Monday, August 9, 2010

Driver awards

Maxine swears that walking is good exercise

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken  by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

Cartoon: Tea Party Movement .....SCARY ... Terrorists, not so much

Joke: Obama and the Cattle Guards

For those of you who have never traveled to the west, or southwest, cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossing over that area. For some reason the cattle will not step on the "guards," probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails.

A few months ago, President Obama received and was reading a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado. Colorado ranchers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, so he ordered the Secretary of the Interior to fire half of the “cattle” guards immediately!!

Before the Secretary of the Interior could respond and presumably try to straighten him out, Vice-President, Joe Biden, intervened with a request that…. before any “cattle” guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining.

Facts: Why the muslim world is in deep shit

Facts: Freeze the balls off a brass monkey

It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.

Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others.

The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called, for reasons unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to
make them of brass - hence, Brass Monkeys.

Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled.

Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.

Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And all this time, folks thought that was just a vulgar expression?

Cartoons: Arizona is Racist !!!

Joke: Irishman and the "almost" intercourse

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in.

Cartoons; Mad Muzzies ... here, there and everywhere

Joke: India is the Best Hell ever !!!

Joke: How do you get red-haired babies

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair.

She can't possibly be mine!!'

'Nonsense,' the doctor said. 'Even though you and your  wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'

'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'

'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?
The man seemed a bit ashamed. 'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'

'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently:   "it's rust."

Joke: A condom for Donald Duck

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a Hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?'

Donald frowned and said, 'No.'

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex. 
'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put them on your bill?

'Thit No!' Donald quacked, I'll thuffocate

Joke: New Plane for the Great Obama

Air Force General: Mr. President, we've just invented an invisibility coating for Air Force One.

Obama: No s***?

General: That's right, sir. Will you be going along on its maiden flight?

Obama: Wouldn't miss it for the world.

General: Have a good trip, sir.

Comedy: The Laughing Policeman

Traffic Signals at a glance

Joke: Rich Maxine

I'm rich!

Silver in the Hair

Gold in the Teeth

Stones in the Kidneys

Sugar in the Blood.

Lead  in the Ass

Iron in the Arteries


an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.

I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth.

Joke: The crocodiles and the politicians

Two Crocodiles were sitting on the bank of the river Thames at Chiswick.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age. we were the same size as kids. And look at us now. I just don't get it.

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'
'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the river near the parking lot by the Houses of Parliament.'

'Strange. Same here. Hmm.. How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Jaguar cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg,shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem.You're not getting any real nourishment.  See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.'

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Funny Pics: Marquees of Movie Titles unintentionally funny

Song: She Bangs ... Ricky Martin

Why we have Dogs and Cats as pets

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in
spite of yourselves.'

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal and God was pleased.  And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I  cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and

was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.  And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved
And God was pleased..

And Dog was happy.

And the cat didn't give a shit one way or the other

Cartoons: Beautiful Burka Babes

Health and Cures: The Wonders of Honey with Cinnamon

Honey is the only food on the planet that will not spoil or rot. It will do what some call turning to sugar. In reality honey is always honey. However, when left in a cool dark place for a long time it will crystallized. When this happens, loosen the lid, boil some water, and sit the honey container in the hot water, turn off the heat and let it liquefy. It is then as good as it ever was. Never boil honey or put it in a microwave. To do so will kill the enzymes in the honey.

Bet the drug companies won't like this one getting around. Facts on Honey and Cinnamon: It is found that a mixture of honey and Cinnamon cures most diseases. Honey is produced in most of the countries of the world. Scientists of today also accept honey as a 'Ram Ban' (very effective) medicine for all kinds of diseases. Honey can be used without any side effects for any kind of diseases.

Today's science says that even though honey is sweet, if taken in the right dosage as a medicine, it does not harm diabetic patients. Weekly World News, a magazine in Canada , in its issue dated 17 January,1995 has given the following list of diseases that can be cured by honey and cinnamon as researched by western scientists:

Make a paste of honey and cinnamon powder, apply on bread, instead of jelly and jam, and eat it regularly for breakfast. It reduces the cholesterol in the arteries and saves the patient from heart attack. Also, those who have already had an attack, if they do this process daily, they are kept miles away from the next attack.. Regular use of the above process relieves loss of breath and strengthens the heart beat. In America and Canada , various nursing homes have treated patients successfully and have found that as you age, the arteries and veins lose their flexibility and get clogged; honey and cinnamon revitalize the arteries and veins.

Arthritis patients may take daily, morning and night, one cup of hot water with two spoons of honey and one small teaspoon of cinnamon powder. If taken regularly even chronic arthritis can be cured. In a recent research conducted at the Copenhagen University, it was found that when the doctors treated their patients with a mixture of one tablespoon Honey and half teaspoon Cinnamon powder before breakfast, they found that within a week, out of the 200 people so treated, practically 73 patients were totally relieved of pain, and within a month, mostly all the patients who could not walk or move around because of arthritis started walking without pain.

Take two tablespoons of cinnamon powder and one teaspoon of honey in a glass of lukewarm waterand drink it. It destroys the germs in the bladder..

Two tablespoons of honey and three teaspoons of Cinnamon Powder mixed in 16 ounces of tea water, given to a cholesterol patient, was found to reduce the level of cholesterol in the blood by 10 percent within two hours As mentioned for arthritic patients, if taken three times a day, any chronic cholesterol is cured. According to information received in the said Journal, pure honey taken with food daily relieves complaints of cholesterol.

Those suffering from common or severe colds should take one tablespoon lukewarm honey with 1/4 spoon cinnamon powder daily for three days. This process will cure most chronic cough, cold, and clear the sinuses.

Honey taken with cinnamon powder cures stomach ache and also clears stomach ulcers from the root.

According to the studies done in India and Japan , it is revealed that if Honey is taken with cinnamon powder the stomach is relieved of gas.

Daily use of honey and cinnamon powder strengthens the immune system and protects the body from bacteria and viral attacks. Scientists have found that honey has various vitamins and iron in large amounts. Constant use of Honey strengthens the white blood corpuscles to fight bacterial andviral diseases.

Cinnamon powder sprinkled on two tablespoons of honey taken before food relieves acidity and digests the heaviest of meals.

A scientist in Spain has proved that honey contains a natural ' Ingredient' which kills the influenza germs and saves the patient from flu.

Tea made with honey and cinnamon powder, when taken regularly, arrests the ravages of old age. Take four spoons of honey, one spoon of cinnamon powder, and three cups of water and boil to make like tea. Drink 1/4 cup, three to four times a day. It keeps the skin fresh and soft and arrests old age. Life spans also increase and even a 100 year old, starts performing the chores of a 20-year-old..

Three tablespoons of honey and one teaspoon of cinnamon powder paste. Apply this paste on the pimples before sleeping and wash it next morning with warm water. If done daily for two weeks, it removes pimples from the root.

Applying honey and cinnamon powder in equal parts on the affected parts cures eczema, ringworm and all types of skin infections.

Daily in the morning one half hour before breakfast on an empty stomach, and at night before sleeping, drink honey and cinnamon powder boiled in one cup of water. If taken regularly, it reduces the weight of even the most obese person. Also, drinking this mixture regularly does not allow the fat to accumulate in the body even though the person may eat a high calorie diet.

Recent research in Japan and Australia has revealed that advanced cancer of the stomach and bones have been cured successfully. Patients suffering from these kinds of cancer should daily take one tablespoon of honey with one teaspoon of cinnamon powder for one month three times a day.

Recent studies have shown that the sugar content of honey is more helpful rather than being detrimental to the strength of the body. Senior citizens, who take honey and cinnamon powder in equal parts, are more alert and flexible. Dr. Milton, who has done research, says that a half tablespoon of honey taken in a glass of water and sprinkled with cinnamon powder, taken daily after brushing and in the afternoon at about 3:00 P.M. when the vitality of the body starts to decrease, increases the vitality of the body within a week.

People of South America , first thing in the morning, gargle with one teaspoon of honey and cinnamon powder mixed in hot water, so their breath stays fresh throughout the day.

Daily morning and night honey and cinnamon powder, taken in equal parts restores hearing. Remember when we were kids? We had toast with real butter and cinnamon sprinkled on it!