Joke: What's 2 + 5 ?

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....' His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?' The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.' 'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked 'Yes,' he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you teaching my son in math?' The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.' The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?' After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.' 

Bush: "Mission Accomplished"

Joke: The burglar who met Jesus and Moses

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

America loves Saudi Arabia

Riddles .... part 4

Answers at bottom of page:

16. In olden days you are a clever thief charged with treason against the king and sentenced to death. But the king decides to be a little lenient and lets you choose your own way to die. What way should you choose? Remember,You're clever!

17. What is it that when you take away the whole, you still have some left Over?

18. What six letter word in the English language contains ten other words  without rearranging any of its letters?

19. Name an English word of more than 2 letters that both begins and ends with the letters "he" in that order. There are two possible answers. "hehe" is not acceptable. 

 20. A man was found murdered on Sunday morning. His wife immediately called the police. The police questioned the wife and staff and got these alibis: The Wife said she was sleeping.The Cook was cooking breakfast.The Gardener was picking vegetables.The Maid was getting the mail.The Butler was cleaning the closet.  

The police instantly arrested the murdered. Who did it and how did they  know?

Answers:

16. I think I would have chosen to die of "old age". Did you?

17. The word Wholesome.

18.The word is Spared. The ten words are: Spa, Spar, Spare, Pa, Par, Pare,Pared, Are, Re, and Red. If you got this one you are good!

19. Headache or Heartache.

20. It was the Maid. She said she was getting the mail. There is no mail on 

Fishy Politicians

Riddles .... part 3

11. I can sizzle like bacon,I am made with an egg,I have plenty of backbone, but lack a good leg,I peel layers like onions, but still remain whole,I can be long, like a flagpole, yet fit in a hole,What am I?

12. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though.Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any Coaching!

13. Hi! Ma and Pa told me I'd better say that all the two-letter words inThis paragraph have something in common ...... Or else! What's the common factor here?

14. What falls but never breaks?What breaks but never falls?

15. This one's a tuffy! There is a common English word that is seven letters long. Each time you remove a letter from it, it still remains a common English word - from seven letters right on down to a single letter. What is  the original word, and what are the words that it becomes after removing aLetter at a time? 

Answers:

11. A snake.

12. The letter "e", which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the long paragraph.

13. All the two-letter combinations are abbreviations of U.S. States:Hi:Hawaii, MA:Massachusetts, PA:Pennsylvania, me:Maine, in:Indiana, I'd:Idaho, or:Oregon

14. Night and Day!

15. The original word is "Snowing". It decomposes to: sowing, swing, sing,sin, in, and I.

Sunni Today

Riddles ... part 2

Answers at bottom of page.

6. FOUR is HALF of FIVE.Is this statement True or False?

7. A woman shoots her husband.Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes.Finally, she hangs him.But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

8. What do these 3 have in common?Superman  Moses The Cabbage Patch Kids

9. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

10. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday,  Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

Answers:

6. It's True. The Roman Numeral FOUR (IV) is in the middle of the word Five:F(IV)E

7. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry.

8. They were all adopted!

9. The answer is Charcoal. In Homer Simpson's words: Hmmmm... Barbecue.

10. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow! 

Fox News just can't make up its mind

Riddles .......... part 1

Answers at bottom of page.

1. Tom's mom had three children. The first was named May, the second was June. What was the third childs name?


2. The manufacturer doesn't want to use it, the buyer doesn't need to use it  and the user doesn't know he's using it. What is it?


3. The word CANDY can be spelled using just 2 letters. Can you figure out how?


4. Bill bets Craig $100 that he can predict the score of the hockey game  before it starts. Craig agrees, but loses the bet. Why did Craig lose the bet?

Answers:

1. Tom.....Tom's mom had three children, June, May, and Tom.

2. A Coffin

3. The answer: C and Y

4. Bill said the score would be 0-0 and he was right. Before any hockey game starts, the score is always 0-0. 

Bryan Berg's cardstacking structures

Bryan Berg is a professional "cardstacker" who builds houses of cards on a very large scale.

Trained as an architect, Bryan Berg is the only known person to make a living building structures with freestanding playing cards. He uses no tape, glue, or tricks; and his method has been tested to support 660 pounds per square foot.

Berg has stacked cards for corporate special events, public relations campaigns, and science and children's museums in many U.S. cities, Canada , Europe, and Asia . Berg's clients have included Walt Disney World, a Lexus commercial, Procter & Gamble, American major league baseball and hockey, and the San Francisco Opera, among others. He also participated in a music video by The Bravery, playing a lonely man who builds a fantasy world out of cards.

In 2004, Guinness created a record category for World's Largest House of Freestanding Playing Cards to recognize a project Berg built for Walt Disney World, a replica of Cinderalla's Castle. (6th photo down)

In 2010, the record was renewed by himself using 4051 sets of cards, over 218,000 cards, and built in 44 days, a replica of the Venetian Macao.

Amazing stuff!

Wisdom and humor from the rich and famous? Hah!

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..' - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter) <><>  I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.' - Eleanor Roosevelt <><>  Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.. - Mark Twain <><>  The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible - George Burns <><>  Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge <><>  Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain <><>  By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates <><>  I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx <><>  My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante <><>  I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor <><>  Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine <><>  My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Rodney Dangerfield <><>  Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan <><>  Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP . - Joe Namath <><>  I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope <><>  I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.. - W. C. Fields <><>  We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers <><>  Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill <><>  Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.. - Phyllis Diller <><>  By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and may nothing but happiness come through your door.

Obama's one way trip to Africa

How one can tell when someone is a murderer or not

A first degree murder case was wrapping up in San Francisco.  The prosecutor's case was very unusual in that it was based exclusively on circumstantial evidence.  The husband was accused of killing his wife, but they could never find the body. 

The prosecutor gave his closing argument and demanded that the jury of 13 adults render a verdict of guilty of murder in the first degree.

But the defense counsel had something up his sleeve.  As he addressed the jury he said something most provocative:

"Ladies and gentlemen, this case, so built around circumstantial evidence is really about the concept of reasonable doubt.  Because, you see, as you will soon find out, the victim in this case, Mrs. Dribble, is going to walk through that door in 10 minutes and you will know Mr. Dribble is innocent."

A hush settled over the crowded courtroom as the attorney continued to speak with everyone's eyes constantly glancing toward the door between the jury and the audience.  As time passed toward the 10-minute deadline, people began to shuffle in their chairs and wipe their brows.  But the attorney continued to speak until it was past the 10 minutes.  But, Mrs. Dribble, the alleged victim, did not enter as he promised.

He continued:  "You see, members of the jury, you must have reasonable doubt or you would not have been looking repeatedly at the door.  Your own sense of doubt made you have an expectation of innocence. You must find my client not guilty of the charge of first degree murder."  With that, he closed and thanked the panel.  

The judge gave the jury their instructions and the bailiff led them to the jury room to deliberate on the guilt or innocence of Mr. Dribble.  It took them only 10 minutes and they indicated they had a verdict.

The defense was very sure they would be returning a "not guilty" verdict and he could barely contain his sense of self-assuredness.  He smiled at his client with a warmth that exuded comfort and success.

The jury foreman was asked to return the verdict form to the court's bailiff to be read out loud:

"We the jury find the defendant, Gunther Dribble, guilty of the crime of murder in the first degree."

The defense attorney was devastated and demanded to poll every juror.  But, as he started with the jury foreman, he did not have to go very far.  "Mr. foreman, you, yourself, had your eyes constantly moving toward the door.  You must have had reasonable doubt."

The jury foreman smiled cattily at the defense attorney:  "Yes. That's true, counsel", he responded."but what we noticed also was that your client was the only person in the entire courtroom who never looked at the door."

Actually, I like Muslims and their religion, EXCEPT for ....

Quotes about idiots in government

"A top geneticist at Stanford says human intelligence is declining. You know what that means? We are seeing Congress at its smartest and most effective right now." –Jay Leno

...............

"President Obama gave his State of the Union speech and went through a laundry list of things, most of them very centrist -- like he said he wanted universal preschool. He said he got the idea from trying to work with the Republicans in Congress the last few years." –Bill Maher

God must have been in a good mood when he designed these ... part 2

                             

                                                                                       

                                                                   

British HAHAHAHA

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit the Middle East .
Two million Muslims died  And over a million were injured.. 
 
Iraq and Iran are totally ruined,

The governments don't know where To start with providing help to rebuild. 

The rest of the world is in shock.
 
The USA is sending troops to help. 
 
Saudi Arabia is sending oil. 
 
Latin American countries are sending Supplies.
 
New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops. 
 
The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding the Infrastructure. 
 
Canada is sending medical teams and supplies. 
 
GREAT BRITAIN , not to be outdone.....
Is sending two million replacement Muslims. 
Damn those Brits are smart !! 

God must have been in a good mood when he designed these .... part 1

Cartoons for Christmastime .... Obama and Santa

Conan O'Brien's jokes and pokes at Obama .... 5

"One of President Obama's goals tonight is to win back female voters. Which explains why Obama is going to answer every question with a passage from 'Fifty Shades of Grey.'" –Conan O'Brien

...........

"The Obama campaign is releasing a new ad showing Americans whose financial situation has improved over the past four years. Unfortunately, the only person who appears in the ad is Mitt Romney." –Conan O'Brien

.............

"Conservatives are now criticizing President Obama because as a child in Indonesia he sometimes ate dog meat. But on the plus side, Obama is now polling very well among cats." –Conan O'Brien

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Cartoon ... Obamacare fixed by Obama's finger

Conan O'Brien's jokes and pokes at Obama ..... 4

"Donald Trump said he'd give $5 million to charity if President Obama released his college transcripts. Obama responded by sending Trump a full transcript from his alma mater, the University of Shove It Up Your Ass." –Conan O'Brien

............

"Tonight President Obama and Mitt Romney hold their final debate in Boca Raton, Florida. The topic of the debate is what is more shocking to see in Boca Raton, a Mormon or a black guy." –Conan O'Brien

............

"Endorsements are rolling in. The Atheist Party has endorsed Obama for president. When told the news Obama said, 'Thank God.'" –Conan O'Brien

.................

Christmas Group Therapy

Conan O'Brien's jokes and pokes at Obama .... 3

"Some Republicans are saying that due to his current scandals, President Obama should be impeached. In response, Obama laughed and said, 'Two words fellas: President Biden.'" --Conan O'Brien

.............

"President Obama's inauguration is coming up. During next week's inauguration, he will be sworn in with not one, but two Bibles. Relax, Mr. President. We get it. You're not a Muslim. You're overcompensating." –Conan O'Brien

..............

Cartoons for Christmastime .... Santa and Reindeer .... 4

Conan O'Brien's jokes and pokes at Obama ..... 2

"Syria's President Assad referred to President Obama as weak. Obama is so angry he plans to ask Congress for permission to come up with a good comeback." –Conan O'Brien

.................

"This weekend President Obama celebrated his 52nd birthday. For his birthday, Michelle Obama jumped out of a cake and told him he's not allowed to have any." –Conan O'Brien

.............

Cartoons for Christmastime .... Santa and Reindeer .... 3

Conan O'Brien's Obama jokes and pokes .... 1

"In a speech today President Obama called for a new era of bipartisan cooperation. He said this because Obama likes to start off a speech with a joke.” –Conan O'Brien

......................

"President Obama said the day after the budget deal is made he's going to concentrate on immigration. He says he'll start by deporting Ted Cruz." –Conan O'Brien

................

Cartoons for Christmastime ... Santa and Reindeer ... 2

The beauty in married life

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
......

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

.........

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!' Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

..........

A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him,
and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death'

Cartoons for Christmastime .... Santa and Reindeer .... 1

All seeing blind man

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. 

After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him:
 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.'