From Him to Her:
Hi Sweetheart,
I am sorry about getting into an argument about putting up the Christmas lights. I guess that sometimes I feel like you are pushing me too hard when you want something. I realize that I was wrong and I am apologizing for being such a hard-headed guy. All I want is for you to be happy and be able to enjoy the holiday season. Nothing brightens the Christmas spirit like Christmas lights! I took the time to hang the lights for you today; and now I will be off to the hockey rink. Again, I am very sorry for the way I acted yesterday. I'll be home later. Love you……
..............................
From Her to Him:
Hi Honey,
Thank you for that heart-felt apology. I don't often get an apology from you, and I truly appreciate it. I, too, felt bad about the argument and wanted to apologize. I realize that I can sometimes be a little pushy. I will try to respect your feelings from now on.Thank you for taking the time to hang the Christmas lights for me. It really means a lot. In the spirit of giving, I washed your truck for you; and now I am off to the mall. I love you too!  |
Monday, January 14, 2013
Apology Letters
Pearls of Wisdom .... part 3/5
Lawyers believe that a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall
~ Robin Hall
*****
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand.
*****
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
*****
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ W.H. Auden
*****
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
~ Jonathan Katz
*****
A flower that blooms only 3 days every 40 years
Unbelievable.
The largest flower in the world blossoms in Blanco, Veracruz, Mexico.
2 meters high and weighing 75 kilos, it has the peculiarity of blooming only during three days every 40 years.
You'd only see it once or twice in a lifetime!
Amorphophallus Titanum (Araceae), also called "Cadaverous flower" has the peculiarity of blooming only during three days every 40 years, a privilege that Mother Nature bestowed on this town in Veracruz .
The largest flower in the world blossoms in Blanco, Veracruz, Mexico.
2 meters high and weighing 75 kilos, it has the peculiarity of blooming only during three days every 40 years.
You'd only see it once or twice in a lifetime!
Amorphophallus Titanum (Araceae), also called "Cadaverous flower" has the peculiarity of blooming only during three days every 40 years, a privilege that Mother Nature bestowed on this town in Veracruz .
Pearls of Wisdom .... Part 2/5
The only reason that they say, 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr
~ Jean Kerr
*****
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
*****
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
~ Jeff Foxworthy
*****
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip
*****
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.
*****
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford
*****
The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan
*****
Pearls of Wisdom .... Part 1/5
Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day. Give him religion and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.
~ Timothy Jones
*****
When the white missionaries came to Africa, they had the Bible and we had the land. They said, 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them, we had the Bible and they had the land.
~ Desmond Tutu
*****
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real, but the moon landing was faked.
~ David Letterman
*****
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit! I'm a billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes
*****
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb
*****
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind
Man and a Woman marooned on an island
If anybody visiting my blog is wondering where I get all the stuff I upload here.... it's from emails I receive from friends and relatives. There usually is so much good stuff there that that was the inspiration of starting this blog and saving the stuff here before deleting the emails.
One day a man decided to retire...
He booked himself on a Caribbean
cruise and proceeded to have the
time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks,"Where did you
come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to
have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman."I made
the boat out of some raw material I found
on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a
Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman.
"On the south side of the island, a very
unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed.
I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that
to make tools and used the tools to
make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon
docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man
looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a
cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the row boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."
"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"Oh it's not coconut juice," winks the woman.
"I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement,
the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,
"I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing
but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down
next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.
You must have been lonely. When was the
last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing."You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, !
!
!
!
!
!
!
! "You've built a Golf Course?"
One day a man decided to retire...
He booked himself on a Caribbean
cruise and proceeded to have the
time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks,"Where did you
come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to
have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman."I made
the boat out of some raw material I found
on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a
Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman.
"On the south side of the island, a very
unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed.
I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that
to make tools and used the tools to
make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon
docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man
looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a
cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the row boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."
"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"Oh it's not coconut juice," winks the woman.
"I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement,
the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,
"I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing
but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down
next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.
You must have been lonely. When was the
last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing."You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, !
!
!
!
!
!
!
! "You've built a Golf Course?"
Blonde Men .... 4/4
A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?" He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy!" he replies.
------------------------------------
A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him
hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blond replies. "It should be around your neck" says the guard. "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
"Hanging myself," the blond replies. "It should be around your neck" says the guard. "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
------------------------------------
(This one actually makes sense.)
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do Scuba divers
always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
Blonde Men ..... 3/4
A blond man shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------------
A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road. The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
------------------------------------
Blonde Men .... 2/4
A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?" He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
------------------------------
A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me." The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
------------------------------------
A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------------
Blonde Men jokes .... 1/4
A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year." The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------------
Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take
them to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?" The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------------
A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
..................
Driving a hearse is not easy
Just a Tap on the Shoulder A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me." The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault.
Today is my first day driving a cab . . . . . . I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
Suicide Bombers' Strike ... more Labor Union problems
BBC NEWSMuslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a
three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of
virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks
with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that
the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his
death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A
spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of
suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the
afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of
Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement
saying the move was to its members and called for a strike vote.
General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are
literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We
don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is
like a kick in the teeth".
Speaking from his shed in Ti pton in the West Midlands ,
Al Qaeda chief executive Haisheet Mapants explained, "I
sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not
in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not
accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive
marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic
shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice
between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like
cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff
that they won't be able to blow themselves up.
Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England,
Ireland , Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that
the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few
virgins in their areas anyway.
According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the
number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence
of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim jihadists now
know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their
benefit packages.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Proverbs and Phrases ...... 14
Variety is the spice of life
Virtue is its own reward
Walls have ears
Walnuts and pears you plant for your heirs
Waste not want not
What can't be cured must be endured
What goes up must come down
What you lose on the swings you gain on the roundabouts
What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander
When in Rome, do as the Romans do
When the cat's away the mice will play
When the going gets tough, the tough get going
When the oak is before the ash, then you will only get a splash; when the ash is before the oak, then you may expect a soak
What the eye doesn't see, the heart doesn't grieve over
Where there's a will there's a way
Where there's muck there's brass
While there's life there's hope
Whom the Gods love die young
Why keep a dog and bark yourself?
Women and children first
Wonders will never cease
Work expands so as to fill the time available
Worrying never did anyone any good
You are never too old to learn
You are what you eat
You can have too much of a good thing
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink
You can't have your cake and eat it
You can't get blood out of a stone
You can't make a silk purse from a sow's ear
You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs
You can't make bricks without straw
You can't run with the hare and hunt with the hounds
You can't teach an old dog new tricks
You can't tell a book by looking at its cover
You can't win them all
You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar
You pays your money and you takes your choice
Youth is wasted on the young
Virtue is its own reward
Walls have ears
Walnuts and pears you plant for your heirs
Waste not want not
What can't be cured must be endured
What goes up must come down
What you lose on the swings you gain on the roundabouts
What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander
When in Rome, do as the Romans do
When the cat's away the mice will play
When the going gets tough, the tough get going
When the oak is before the ash, then you will only get a splash; when the ash is before the oak, then you may expect a soak
What the eye doesn't see, the heart doesn't grieve over
Where there's a will there's a way
Where there's muck there's brass
While there's life there's hope
Whom the Gods love die young
Why keep a dog and bark yourself?
Women and children first
Wonders will never cease
Work expands so as to fill the time available
Worrying never did anyone any good
You are never too old to learn
You are what you eat
You can have too much of a good thing
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink
You can't have your cake and eat it
You can't get blood out of a stone
You can't make a silk purse from a sow's ear
You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs
You can't make bricks without straw
You can't run with the hare and hunt with the hounds
You can't teach an old dog new tricks
You can't tell a book by looking at its cover
You can't win them all
You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar
You pays your money and you takes your choice
Youth is wasted on the young
Proverbs and Phrases .... 14
To err is human; to forgive divine
To every thing there is a season
To the victor go the spoils
To travel hopefully is a better thing than to arrive
Tomorrow is another day
Tomorrow never comes
Too many cooks spoil the broth
Truth is stranger than fiction
Truth will out
Two blacks don't make a white
Two heads are better than one
Two is company, but three's a crowd
Two wrongs don't make a right
To every thing there is a season
To the victor go the spoils
To travel hopefully is a better thing than to arrive
Tomorrow is another day
Tomorrow never comes
Too many cooks spoil the broth
Truth is stranger than fiction
Truth will out
Two blacks don't make a white
Two heads are better than one
Two is company, but three's a crowd
Two wrongs don't make a right
Proverbs and Phrases ..... 13
Take care of the pence and the pounds will take care of themselves
Talk is cheap
Talk of the Devil, and he is bound to appear
Tell the truth and shame the Devil
That which does not kill us makes us stronger
The age of miracles is past
The apple never falls far from the tree
The best defence is a good offence
The best-laid schemes of mice and men gang aft agley
The best things in life are free
The bigger they are, the harder they fall
The bottom line is the bottom line
The boy is father to the man
The bread always falls buttered side down
The child is the father of the man
The cobbler always wears the worst shoes
The course of true love never did run smooth
The customer is always right
The darkest hour is just before the dawn
The devil finds work for idle hands to do
The devil looks after his own
The early bird catches the worm
The end justifies the means
The exception which proves the rule
The female of the species is more deadly than the male
The fruit does not fall far from the tree
The good die young
The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence
The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world
The husband is always the last to know
The labourer is worthy of his hire
The leopard does not change his spots
The longest journey starts with a single step
The more the merrier
The more things change, the more they stay the same
The only good Indian is a dead Indian
The opera ain't over till the fat lady sings
The pen is mightier than sword
The price of liberty is eternal vigilance
The proof of the pudding is in the eating
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
The shoemaker's son always goes barefoot
The squeaking wheel gets the grease
The truth will out
The way to a man's heart is through his stomach
There are more ways of killing a cat than choking it with cream
There are none so blind as those, that will not see
There are two sides to every question
There but for the grace of God, go I
There's a time and a place for everything
There's an exception to every rule
There's always more fish in the sea
There's honour among thieves
There's many a good tune played on an old fiddle
There's many a slip 'twixt cup and lip
There's more than one way to skin a cat
There's no accounting for tastes
There's no fool like an old fool
There's no place like home
There's no smoke without fire
There's no such thing as a free lunch
There's no such thing as bad publicity
There's no time like the present
There's none so blind as those who will not see
There's none so deaf as those who will not hear
There's nowt so queer as folk
There's one born every minute
There's safety in numbers
They that sow the wind, shall reap the whirlwind
Third time lucky
Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it
Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones
Those who sleep with dogs will rise with fleas
Time and tide wait for no man
Time flies
Time is a great healer
Time is money
Time will tell
'tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all
Talk is cheap
Talk of the Devil, and he is bound to appear
Tell the truth and shame the Devil
That which does not kill us makes us stronger
The age of miracles is past
The apple never falls far from the tree
The best defence is a good offence
The best-laid schemes of mice and men gang aft agley
The best things in life are free
The bigger they are, the harder they fall
The bottom line is the bottom line
The boy is father to the man
The bread always falls buttered side down
The child is the father of the man
The cobbler always wears the worst shoes
The course of true love never did run smooth
The customer is always right
The darkest hour is just before the dawn
The devil finds work for idle hands to do
The devil looks after his own
The early bird catches the worm
The end justifies the means
The exception which proves the rule
The female of the species is more deadly than the male
The fruit does not fall far from the tree
The good die young
The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence
The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world
The husband is always the last to know
The labourer is worthy of his hire
The leopard does not change his spots
The longest journey starts with a single step
The more the merrier
The more things change, the more they stay the same
The only good Indian is a dead Indian
The opera ain't over till the fat lady sings
The pen is mightier than sword
The price of liberty is eternal vigilance
The proof of the pudding is in the eating
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
The shoemaker's son always goes barefoot
The squeaking wheel gets the grease
The truth will out
The way to a man's heart is through his stomach
There are more ways of killing a cat than choking it with cream
There are none so blind as those, that will not see
There are two sides to every question
There but for the grace of God, go I
There's a time and a place for everything
There's an exception to every rule
There's always more fish in the sea
There's honour among thieves
There's many a good tune played on an old fiddle
There's many a slip 'twixt cup and lip
There's more than one way to skin a cat
There's no accounting for tastes
There's no fool like an old fool
There's no place like home
There's no smoke without fire
There's no such thing as a free lunch
There's no such thing as bad publicity
There's no time like the present
There's none so blind as those who will not see
There's none so deaf as those who will not hear
There's nowt so queer as folk
There's one born every minute
There's safety in numbers
They that sow the wind, shall reap the whirlwind
Third time lucky
Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it
Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones
Those who sleep with dogs will rise with fleas
Time and tide wait for no man
Time flies
Time is a great healer
Time is money
Time will tell
'tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all
Joke: Obama and Gun Control
Barack Obama at a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas, asked the audience for total quiet.
Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.
Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, child in America dies from gun violence.'
Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl,pierced the quiet and said:
''Well, dumbass, stop clapping"
.........
Kid has not been taught the fine art of Political Correctness. Off to the gulag with him and his parents !!!
Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.
Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, child in America dies from gun violence.'
Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl,pierced the quiet and said:
''Well, dumbass, stop clapping"
.........
Kid has not been taught the fine art of Political Correctness. Off to the gulag with him and his parents !!!
Proverbs and Phrases ... 11
See a pin and pick it up, all the day you'll have good luck; see a pin and let it lie, bad luck you'll have all day
See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil
Seeing is believing
Seek and ye shall find
Set a thief to catch a thief
Share and share alike
Shrouds have no pockets
Silence is golden
Slow but sure
Softly, softly, catchee monkey
Spare the rod and spoil the child
Speak as you find
Speak softly and carry a big stick
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me
Still waters run deep
Strike while the iron is hot
Stupid is as stupid does
Success has many fathers, while failure is an orphan
See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil
Seeing is believing
Seek and ye shall find
Set a thief to catch a thief
Share and share alike
Shrouds have no pockets
Silence is golden
Slow but sure
Softly, softly, catchee monkey
Spare the rod and spoil the child
Speak as you find
Speak softly and carry a big stick
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me
Still waters run deep
Strike while the iron is hot
Stupid is as stupid does
Success has many fathers, while failure is an orphan
Joke: Government Jobs
John goes to his city's Municipality to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes - coffee."
"Have you ever been in the military service?
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."
The interviewer says,"That will give you 5 extra points towards employment." Then he asks,"Are you disabled in any way?"
John says,"Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. To 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow from 10:00 AM every day."
John is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why do you want me to start here from10:00 A.M.?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point you coming in for that."
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes - coffee."
"Have you ever been in the military service?
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."
The interviewer says,"That will give you 5 extra points towards employment." Then he asks,"Are you disabled in any way?"
John says,"Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. To 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow from 10:00 AM every day."
John is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why do you want me to start here from10:00 A.M.?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point you coming in for that."
Joke: Barber and the "community service" haircuts
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen other Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS
NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN
AND
FOR THE SAME REASON!
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen other Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS
NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN
AND
FOR THE SAME REASON!
Friday, October 12, 2012
Joke: Special Crossings
Paddy was in New York.
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Joke: The miracle Hair Spray
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished!
He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says...
(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(This is bad!)
(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)
(You know, you could, just click off now and never read the punch line....)
(You're gonna be sorry)
(Last chance)
(OK, here it is)
It says;
" Hair Spray Restores life to dead hair; adds permanent wave. "
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished!
He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says...
(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(This is bad!)
(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)
(You know, you could, just click off now and never read the punch line....)
(You're gonna be sorry)
(Last chance)
(OK, here it is)
It says;
" Hair Spray Restores life to dead hair; adds permanent wave. "
Fun bashing men
Q: What is the difference between men and puppies?
A: Puppies grow up.
*************
Q: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
A: Because they are...
*************
Q: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
A: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever.
*************
Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit the ground first?
A: Who cares?????.....
*************
Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!.
*************
Q: What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO ?
A: I don't know, I've never seen either.
*************
Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: no mind !!) no business !!!??
*************
Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
A:! Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions .
*************
Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink...
*************
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no intention of driving.
*************
Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A: Exchange him!!
*************
Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.
*************
A: Puppies grow up.
*************
Q: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
A: Because they are...
*************
Q: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
A: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever.
*************
Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit the ground first?
A: Who cares?????.....
*************
Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!.
*************
Q: What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO ?
A: I don't know, I've never seen either.
*************
Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: no mind !!) no business !!!??
*************
Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
A:! Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions .
*************
Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink...
*************
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no intention of driving.
*************
Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A: Exchange him!!
*************
Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.
*************
Proverbs and Phrases ..... 10
Parsley seed goes nine times to the Devil
Patience is a virtue
Pearls of wisdom
Penny wise and pound foolish
People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones
Physician, heal thyself
Possession is nine points of the law
Power corrupts; absolute power corrupts absolutely
Practice makes perfect
Practice what you preach
Prevention is better than cure
Pride goes before a fall
Procrastination is the thief of time
Put your best foot forward
Rain before seven, fine before eleven
Red sky at night shepherd's delight; red sky in the morning, shepherd's warning
Revenge is a dish best served cold
Revenge is sweet
Rob Peter to pay Paul
Rome wasn't built in a day
Patience is a virtue
Pearls of wisdom
Penny wise and pound foolish
People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones
Physician, heal thyself
Possession is nine points of the law
Power corrupts; absolute power corrupts absolutely
Practice makes perfect
Practice what you preach
Prevention is better than cure
Pride goes before a fall
Procrastination is the thief of time
Put your best foot forward
Rain before seven, fine before eleven
Red sky at night shepherd's delight; red sky in the morning, shepherd's warning
Revenge is a dish best served cold
Revenge is sweet
Rob Peter to pay Paul
Rome wasn't built in a day
Joke: Tolerance is the name of the game
I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against a mosque being built at Ground Zero. I think it should be the goal of every American to be tolerant. Thus the Mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.
That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, " The Turban Cowboy ", and the other a topless bar called " You Mecca Me Hot ."
Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbeque pork restaurant, called " Iraq o' Ribs. "
Across the street there could be a lingerie store called " Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret ", with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.
Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, " Koranal Knowledge ", its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called " Morehammered. "
All of this would encourage the Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so the mosque problem would be solved. If you agree with promoting tolerance, and you think this is a good plan, please pass it on...
That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, " The Turban Cowboy ", and the other a topless bar called " You Mecca Me Hot ."
Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbeque pork restaurant, called " Iraq o' Ribs. "
Across the street there could be a lingerie store called " Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret ", with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.
Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, " Koranal Knowledge ", its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called " Morehammered. "
All of this would encourage the Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so the mosque problem would be solved. If you agree with promoting tolerance, and you think this is a good plan, please pass it on...
Sunday, August 12, 2012
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