Enjoy. Watch it before some nasty at You Tube decides to delete the video.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Getting married in Heaven poses a big problem
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in
a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here!
Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?!
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here!
Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?!
A Congress of Baboons
The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective
nouns for the various groups of animals. We are all
familiar with
a Herd ofcows,
a Flock of chickens,
a School of fish
and a Gaggle of geese.
However, less widely known is:
a Pride of lions,
a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens),
an Exaltation of doves
and, presumably because they look so wise:
a Parliament of owls.
Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest,
most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and
least intelligent of all primates. And what is the proper
collective noun for a group of baboons?
Believe it or not ……. a Congress!
A CONGRESS OF BABOONS!
I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington
a Herd ofcows,
a Flock of chickens,
a School of fish
and a Gaggle of geese.
However, less widely known is:
a Pride of lions,
a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens),
an Exaltation of doves
and, presumably because they look so wise:
a Parliament of owls.
Believe it or not ……. a Congress!
A CONGRESS OF BABOONS!
I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington
Tourists and accents
Two visitors from Italy touring the USA get onto a bus in New York.
They sit down & engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma cums first.
Den I cum.
Den two asses cum together.
I cum once-a-more!
2 asses, they cum 2gether again.
I cum again and pee twice.
Then I cum one lasta time."
The lady can't take this any more and shouts "You foul-mouthed sex-obsessed maniacs, in this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives however extraordinary they might be."
"Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. "Who talkin' about sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi."
They sit down & engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma cums first.
Den I cum.
Den two asses cum together.
I cum once-a-more!
2 asses, they cum 2gether again.
I cum again and pee twice.
Then I cum one lasta time."
The lady can't take this any more and shouts "You foul-mouthed sex-obsessed maniacs, in this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives however extraordinary they might be."
"Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. "Who talkin' about sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi."
How to get loud cellphone speakers to STFU
After a very busy day, a commuter settled down
in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson .
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to
her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart it's Eric, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the
six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting - no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No
sweetheart, you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"
etc., etc.
Fifteen minutes later at St. Anne de Bellevue he was still talking
loudly , when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at
the top of her voice:
"Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!"
My guess would be that Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public
any longer
Spanish Lessons and the Debate about a computer
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish,
unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House'
for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is
masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is
'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split
the class into
two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for
themselves
whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each
group
was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be
of the
feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their
creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language
they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone
else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term
memory
for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make
a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on
accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
Masculine ('el
computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them,
you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still
can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve
problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little
longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women
won.
Joke: Driving at night
An
elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. And is asked where he is
going at this time of
night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a
lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as
smoking and staying out
late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is
giving that lecture at this time of
night?"
The man replies, "That would be my
wife."
|
Obama's supporters
Today I had to run to our local grocery store. As I approached the entrance,
I noticed a driver looking for a parking space.
I flagged the driver and pointed out a parking space in the handicap area.
The driver looked puzzled.
''I'm not handicapped'' she said.
Well, was my face red. ''Oh, sorry about that, I saw your Obama sticker and just presumed...''
She gave me the finger and called me some nasty names.
Sheesh! Some people... and you're just trying to help them.
Maxine on Minorities
We need
to show more sympathy
for these people.
don't
to show more sympathy
for these people.
don't
They don't get paid enough
wages.
*
They do jobs that others won't do
or
are afraid to do.
They do jobs that others won't do
or
are afraid to do.
*
They
live in crowded
live in crowded
conditions
among a people who
speak a different
language.
among a people who
speak a different
language.
*
They
rarely see their families,
rarely see their families,
and they
face adversity all day ~ every
day.
face adversity all day ~ every
day.
*I'm not
talking about illegal Mexicans
I'm talking
about our troops!
Doesn't
it seem strange that so
many are
willing to lavish all kinds
willing to lavish all kinds
of social
benefits on illegals,
but don't support our
troops?
Wouldn't it
be great if we took
benefits on illegals,
but don't support our
troops?
Wouldn't it
be great if we took
the
$360,000,000,000 (that's billion)
$360,000,000,000 (that's billion)
we spend on
illegals every
year, and spend it on our
troops!!!
illegals every
year, and spend it on our
troops!!!
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Joke: Clinics better than Hotel rooms
A couple went to the sex therapists office at the hospital.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us having sex, for your expert analysis?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse, " and
charged them $100.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an Appointment, have intercourse with no
problems, pay the doctor and then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married And we can't go to her house - I'm married and we can't go to my house.
Hotels charge more than what you charge me
AND I can claim these visits to you as legitimate medical expenses.
Can't beat that !!
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us having sex, for your expert analysis?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse, " and
charged them $100.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an Appointment, have intercourse with no
problems, pay the doctor and then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married And we can't go to her house - I'm married and we can't go to my house.
Hotels charge more than what you charge me
AND I can claim these visits to you as legitimate medical expenses.
Can't beat that !!
Movie: Enemy of the State
This is a good movie from 1998. If you haven't seen it before, watch it now before it's removed from YouTube. Good stuff, especially good full movies, don't last more than a month or two on YouTube.
Joke: Parents hate smart-ass teachers
Mr. Dickson asked his 4th graders one day if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole. Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers.
They came back the next day and still no one knew the answer. “Look,” said Mr. Dickson while holding his index finger against his thumb, forming a little “zero.” “This is one hole, my nose has 2 holes, and Ican put my hand over my nose and make my nose holes appear inside this other hole.”
“Aaaaaaahhhhhh,” said the children.
The next day, Little Johnny stood up and said, “Mr. Dickson, my daddy wants to know if you know how toput 7 holes in 1 hole.”
“Hmmmm,” he thought, “How can you put 7 holes in 1? Well, I'll be darned; I don't know how to do that. Um, did your father tell you how to?”
“Yes,” said Little Johnny, “You take a flute and shove it up your ass!"
They came back the next day and still no one knew the answer. “Look,” said Mr. Dickson while holding his index finger against his thumb, forming a little “zero.” “This is one hole, my nose has 2 holes, and Ican put my hand over my nose and make my nose holes appear inside this other hole.”
“Aaaaaaahhhhhh,” said the children.
The next day, Little Johnny stood up and said, “Mr. Dickson, my daddy wants to know if you know how toput 7 holes in 1 hole.”
“Hmmmm,” he thought, “How can you put 7 holes in 1? Well, I'll be darned; I don't know how to do that. Um, did your father tell you how to?”
“Yes,” said Little Johnny, “You take a flute and shove it up your ass!"
Joke: Taxman and taxpayer .... Canadian way
Revenue Canada decides to audit Grandpa and summons him to the Revenue Canada office. The Revenue Canada auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the Revenue Canada finds that believable.’
I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about it?’ The auditor thinks for a moment and then said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’
Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’ The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘Okay, I’ll bet to that.’
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops. Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, and Grandpa’s attorney is a witness. He starts to get nervous.
‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks. ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa’s attorney moans and buries his head in his hands.
‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks. ‘No I’m not,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!’
The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the Revenue Canada finds that believable.’
I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about it?’ The auditor thinks for a moment and then said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’
Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’ The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘Okay, I’ll bet to that.’
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops. Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, and Grandpa’s attorney is a witness. He starts to get nervous.
‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks. ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa’s attorney moans and buries his head in his hands.
‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks. ‘No I’m not,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!’
Joke: The lows and highs of life
A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon) - but mostly to see the horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinals.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, helping them to hold on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'
'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, helping them to hold on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'
'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'
Joke: Doctor's office
They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients..
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said; "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said; "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you", he said.
The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man replied; "You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked; "Yes??" "There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't pee out of it", he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter...
Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients..
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said; "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said; "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you", he said.
The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man replied; "You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked; "Yes??" "There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't pee out of it", he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter...
Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!
Joke: English Language ... No speakahda
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! .. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.'
The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!" She retorted indignantly.
'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"
'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..
$5.00 says you're gonna read this again!
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! .. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.'
The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!" She retorted indignantly.
'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"
'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..
$5.00 says you're gonna read this again!
Joke: Italian Trip
A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers : 'Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?'
The husband laughs and says: 'An Italian girl !!!'
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: '
So, honey, how was the trip?'
'Very good, thank you.'
'And, what happened to my present?'
'Which present?' She asked.
'The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!'
'Oh, that' she said
'Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for 9 months to see if it is a girl !!!'
Moral of the story: Don't tempt a woman, they are dangerously intelligent!
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Joke: God and Drunks
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife."Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife."Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.
Joke: Differences between Catholics and Presbyterian
A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where
he met a little girl coming from the other direction
"Hello," said the little boy.
"Hi," replied the little girl.
"Where you going?" asked the little boy.
"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home," Answered the little girl.
"I'm also on my way home from church.
Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.
"I go to the Catholic church back down the road," replied the little girl.
"What about you?"
"I go to the Presbyterian church back at the top of the hill," replied the little boy.
They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.
They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.
"If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive," said the little girl.
"My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet," replied the little boy.
"I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across."
"That's a good idea," replied the little boy.
"I'm going to do the same thing with my suit."So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet.
They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked:
'You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between a
CATHOLIC and a PRESBYTERIAN!!
he met a little girl coming from the other direction
"Hello," said the little boy.
"Hi," replied the little girl.
"Where you going?" asked the little boy.
"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home," Answered the little girl.
"I'm also on my way home from church.
Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.
"I go to the Catholic church back down the road," replied the little girl.
"What about you?"
"I go to the Presbyterian church back at the top of the hill," replied the little boy.
They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.
They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.
"If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive," said the little girl.
"My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet," replied the little boy.
"I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across."
"That's a good idea," replied the little boy.
"I'm going to do the same thing with my suit."So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet.
They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked:
'You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between a
CATHOLIC and a PRESBYTERIAN!!
Joke: The Adventures of a Wedding Ring
A man went to the hospital Emergency Room to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.
According to the nurse attending, the patient and his girlfriend had a few drinks and then sex. Afterwards, she found the wedding ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring onto his penis while he was asleep.
I don't know what's worse:
1. Having your girlfriend find out you're married.
2. Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got onto your penis.
3. Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.
According to the nurse attending, the patient and his girlfriend had a few drinks and then sex. Afterwards, she found the wedding ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring onto his penis while he was asleep.
I don't know what's worse:
1. Having your girlfriend find out you're married.
2. Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got onto your penis.
3. Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.
Joke: Farmers and lawyers
A farmer named Bertie had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Misty Company.
In court, the Misty Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Bertie.
'Didn't you say to the police the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Bertie responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Bertie said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '
The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Bertie's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Bertie thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side.. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her.. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'
'Now wot da heck would you say?'
In court, the Misty Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Bertie.
'Didn't you say to the police the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Bertie responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Bertie said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '
The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Bertie's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Bertie thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side.. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her.. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'
'Now wot da heck would you say?'
Joke: Arab passenger
An Arab Muslim enters a taxi cab in Dallas, Texas..........
Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and; in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music, which is music of the infidel's and certainly no radio ........
So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, pulls over to the side, stops the cab and opens the back door. The Arab asks him: “What are you doing man?” The Texan answers: “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis. So get your ass out and wait for a camel.
Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and; in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music, which is music of the infidel's and certainly no radio ........
So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, pulls over to the side, stops the cab and opens the back door. The Arab asks him: “What are you doing man?” The Texan answers: “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis. So get your ass out and wait for a camel.
Joke: The blonde and the Queen of England
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and
you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?'
'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven,
A Royal Flush
Beats a Pair -
No Matter How Big They Are.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and
you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?'
'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven,
A Royal Flush
Beats a Pair -
No Matter How Big They Are.
Joke: Reality Bites
There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf.
One day in his despair he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have either arm!
He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk, so happy and going on with his life."
He hurried down and caught up with the armless man. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had almost committed suicide. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with zero arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again. The one-armed man asked, 'Why are you so happy, anyway?'
He said, 'I'm NOT happy!! My balls itch."
One day in his despair he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have either arm!
He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk, so happy and going on with his life."
He hurried down and caught up with the armless man. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had almost committed suicide. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with zero arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again. The one-armed man asked, 'Why are you so happy, anyway?'
He said, 'I'm NOT happy!! My balls itch."
Joke: Security System
HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM
1. Go to a seconds store and buy a pair of size 14 -16 men's work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns N Ammo Magazine.
3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads ......
Bubba,
Bertha, Duke, Slim and I gone for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls. They got the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back.
Cooter
1. Go to a seconds store and buy a pair of size 14 -16 men's work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns N Ammo Magazine.
3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads ......
Bubba,
Bertha, Duke, Slim and I gone for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls. They got the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back.
Cooter
Joke: Past Sinful Life
A bloke goes to Wal-Mart and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says: 'Hello!
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says: 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies: 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he says:
'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I had sex with on the pool table with all my mates watching while your partner whipped my bum with wet celery?'
She looks into his eyes with shock and says:
'No, I'm your son's school teacher.' !!!!!
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says: 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies: 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he says:
'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I had sex with on the pool table with all my mates watching while your partner whipped my bum with wet celery?'
She looks into his eyes with shock and says:
'No, I'm your son's school teacher.' !!!!!
Joke: This one's about a redhead
A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table..He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet
No she said ... you just happened to catch my eye
I know, I know .... not as funny as "blonde" jokes right? This proves we gotta stick to the real McCoy always. Redheads can't beat Blondes.
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