Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Proverbs and Phrases ...... 14
Variety is the spice of life
Virtue is its own reward
Walls have ears
Walnuts and pears you plant for your heirs
Waste not want not
What can't be cured must be endured
What goes up must come down
What you lose on the swings you gain on the roundabouts
What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander
When in Rome, do as the Romans do
When the cat's away the mice will play
When the going gets tough, the tough get going
When the oak is before the ash, then you will only get a splash; when the ash is before the oak, then you may expect a soak
What the eye doesn't see, the heart doesn't grieve over
Where there's a will there's a way
Where there's muck there's brass
While there's life there's hope
Whom the Gods love die young
Why keep a dog and bark yourself?
Women and children first
Wonders will never cease
Work expands so as to fill the time available
Worrying never did anyone any good
You are never too old to learn
You are what you eat
You can have too much of a good thing
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink
You can't have your cake and eat it
You can't get blood out of a stone
You can't make a silk purse from a sow's ear
You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs
You can't make bricks without straw
You can't run with the hare and hunt with the hounds
You can't teach an old dog new tricks
You can't tell a book by looking at its cover
You can't win them all
You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar
You pays your money and you takes your choice
Youth is wasted on the young
Virtue is its own reward
Walls have ears
Walnuts and pears you plant for your heirs
Waste not want not
What can't be cured must be endured
What goes up must come down
What you lose on the swings you gain on the roundabouts
What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander
When in Rome, do as the Romans do
When the cat's away the mice will play
When the going gets tough, the tough get going
When the oak is before the ash, then you will only get a splash; when the ash is before the oak, then you may expect a soak
What the eye doesn't see, the heart doesn't grieve over
Where there's a will there's a way
Where there's muck there's brass
While there's life there's hope
Whom the Gods love die young
Why keep a dog and bark yourself?
Women and children first
Wonders will never cease
Work expands so as to fill the time available
Worrying never did anyone any good
You are never too old to learn
You are what you eat
You can have too much of a good thing
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink
You can't have your cake and eat it
You can't get blood out of a stone
You can't make a silk purse from a sow's ear
You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs
You can't make bricks without straw
You can't run with the hare and hunt with the hounds
You can't teach an old dog new tricks
You can't tell a book by looking at its cover
You can't win them all
You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar
You pays your money and you takes your choice
Youth is wasted on the young
Proverbs and Phrases .... 14
To err is human; to forgive divine
To every thing there is a season
To the victor go the spoils
To travel hopefully is a better thing than to arrive
Tomorrow is another day
Tomorrow never comes
Too many cooks spoil the broth
Truth is stranger than fiction
Truth will out
Two blacks don't make a white
Two heads are better than one
Two is company, but three's a crowd
Two wrongs don't make a right
To every thing there is a season
To the victor go the spoils
To travel hopefully is a better thing than to arrive
Tomorrow is another day
Tomorrow never comes
Too many cooks spoil the broth
Truth is stranger than fiction
Truth will out
Two blacks don't make a white
Two heads are better than one
Two is company, but three's a crowd
Two wrongs don't make a right
Proverbs and Phrases ..... 13
Take care of the pence and the pounds will take care of themselves
Talk is cheap
Talk of the Devil, and he is bound to appear
Tell the truth and shame the Devil
That which does not kill us makes us stronger
The age of miracles is past
The apple never falls far from the tree
The best defence is a good offence
The best-laid schemes of mice and men gang aft agley
The best things in life are free
The bigger they are, the harder they fall
The bottom line is the bottom line
The boy is father to the man
The bread always falls buttered side down
The child is the father of the man
The cobbler always wears the worst shoes
The course of true love never did run smooth
The customer is always right
The darkest hour is just before the dawn
The devil finds work for idle hands to do
The devil looks after his own
The early bird catches the worm
The end justifies the means
The exception which proves the rule
The female of the species is more deadly than the male
The fruit does not fall far from the tree
The good die young
The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence
The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world
The husband is always the last to know
The labourer is worthy of his hire
The leopard does not change his spots
The longest journey starts with a single step
The more the merrier
The more things change, the more they stay the same
The only good Indian is a dead Indian
The opera ain't over till the fat lady sings
The pen is mightier than sword
The price of liberty is eternal vigilance
The proof of the pudding is in the eating
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
The shoemaker's son always goes barefoot
The squeaking wheel gets the grease
The truth will out
The way to a man's heart is through his stomach
There are more ways of killing a cat than choking it with cream
There are none so blind as those, that will not see
There are two sides to every question
There but for the grace of God, go I
There's a time and a place for everything
There's an exception to every rule
There's always more fish in the sea
There's honour among thieves
There's many a good tune played on an old fiddle
There's many a slip 'twixt cup and lip
There's more than one way to skin a cat
There's no accounting for tastes
There's no fool like an old fool
There's no place like home
There's no smoke without fire
There's no such thing as a free lunch
There's no such thing as bad publicity
There's no time like the present
There's none so blind as those who will not see
There's none so deaf as those who will not hear
There's nowt so queer as folk
There's one born every minute
There's safety in numbers
They that sow the wind, shall reap the whirlwind
Third time lucky
Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it
Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones
Those who sleep with dogs will rise with fleas
Time and tide wait for no man
Time flies
Time is a great healer
Time is money
Time will tell
'tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all
Talk is cheap
Talk of the Devil, and he is bound to appear
Tell the truth and shame the Devil
That which does not kill us makes us stronger
The age of miracles is past
The apple never falls far from the tree
The best defence is a good offence
The best-laid schemes of mice and men gang aft agley
The best things in life are free
The bigger they are, the harder they fall
The bottom line is the bottom line
The boy is father to the man
The bread always falls buttered side down
The child is the father of the man
The cobbler always wears the worst shoes
The course of true love never did run smooth
The customer is always right
The darkest hour is just before the dawn
The devil finds work for idle hands to do
The devil looks after his own
The early bird catches the worm
The end justifies the means
The exception which proves the rule
The female of the species is more deadly than the male
The fruit does not fall far from the tree
The good die young
The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence
The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world
The husband is always the last to know
The labourer is worthy of his hire
The leopard does not change his spots
The longest journey starts with a single step
The more the merrier
The more things change, the more they stay the same
The only good Indian is a dead Indian
The opera ain't over till the fat lady sings
The pen is mightier than sword
The price of liberty is eternal vigilance
The proof of the pudding is in the eating
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
The shoemaker's son always goes barefoot
The squeaking wheel gets the grease
The truth will out
The way to a man's heart is through his stomach
There are more ways of killing a cat than choking it with cream
There are none so blind as those, that will not see
There are two sides to every question
There but for the grace of God, go I
There's a time and a place for everything
There's an exception to every rule
There's always more fish in the sea
There's honour among thieves
There's many a good tune played on an old fiddle
There's many a slip 'twixt cup and lip
There's more than one way to skin a cat
There's no accounting for tastes
There's no fool like an old fool
There's no place like home
There's no smoke without fire
There's no such thing as a free lunch
There's no such thing as bad publicity
There's no time like the present
There's none so blind as those who will not see
There's none so deaf as those who will not hear
There's nowt so queer as folk
There's one born every minute
There's safety in numbers
They that sow the wind, shall reap the whirlwind
Third time lucky
Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it
Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones
Those who sleep with dogs will rise with fleas
Time and tide wait for no man
Time flies
Time is a great healer
Time is money
Time will tell
'tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all
Joke: Obama and Gun Control
Barack Obama at a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas, asked the audience for total quiet.
Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.
Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, child in America dies from gun violence.'
Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl,pierced the quiet and said:
''Well, dumbass, stop clapping"
.........
Kid has not been taught the fine art of Political Correctness. Off to the gulag with him and his parents !!!
Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.
Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, child in America dies from gun violence.'
Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl,pierced the quiet and said:
''Well, dumbass, stop clapping"
.........
Kid has not been taught the fine art of Political Correctness. Off to the gulag with him and his parents !!!
Proverbs and Phrases ... 11
See a pin and pick it up, all the day you'll have good luck; see a pin and let it lie, bad luck you'll have all day
See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil
Seeing is believing
Seek and ye shall find
Set a thief to catch a thief
Share and share alike
Shrouds have no pockets
Silence is golden
Slow but sure
Softly, softly, catchee monkey
Spare the rod and spoil the child
Speak as you find
Speak softly and carry a big stick
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me
Still waters run deep
Strike while the iron is hot
Stupid is as stupid does
Success has many fathers, while failure is an orphan
See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil
Seeing is believing
Seek and ye shall find
Set a thief to catch a thief
Share and share alike
Shrouds have no pockets
Silence is golden
Slow but sure
Softly, softly, catchee monkey
Spare the rod and spoil the child
Speak as you find
Speak softly and carry a big stick
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me
Still waters run deep
Strike while the iron is hot
Stupid is as stupid does
Success has many fathers, while failure is an orphan
Joke: Government Jobs
John goes to his city's Municipality to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes - coffee."
"Have you ever been in the military service?
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."
The interviewer says,"That will give you 5 extra points towards employment." Then he asks,"Are you disabled in any way?"
John says,"Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. To 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow from 10:00 AM every day."
John is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why do you want me to start here from10:00 A.M.?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point you coming in for that."
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes - coffee."
"Have you ever been in the military service?
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."
The interviewer says,"That will give you 5 extra points towards employment." Then he asks,"Are you disabled in any way?"
John says,"Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. To 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow from 10:00 AM every day."
John is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why do you want me to start here from10:00 A.M.?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point you coming in for that."
Joke: Barber and the "community service" haircuts
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen other Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS
NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN
AND
FOR THE SAME REASON!
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen other Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS
NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN
AND
FOR THE SAME REASON!
Friday, October 12, 2012
Joke: Special Crossings
Paddy was in New York.
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Joke: The miracle Hair Spray
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished!
He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says...
(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(This is bad!)
(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)
(You know, you could, just click off now and never read the punch line....)
(You're gonna be sorry)
(Last chance)
(OK, here it is)
It says;
" Hair Spray Restores life to dead hair; adds permanent wave. "
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished!
He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says...
(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(This is bad!)
(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)
(You know, you could, just click off now and never read the punch line....)
(You're gonna be sorry)
(Last chance)
(OK, here it is)
It says;
" Hair Spray Restores life to dead hair; adds permanent wave. "
Fun bashing men
Q: What is the difference between men and puppies?
A: Puppies grow up.
*************
Q: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
A: Because they are...
*************
Q: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
A: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever.
*************
Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit the ground first?
A: Who cares?????.....
*************
Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!.
*************
Q: What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO ?
A: I don't know, I've never seen either.
*************
Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: no mind !!) no business !!!??
*************
Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
A:! Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions .
*************
Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink...
*************
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no intention of driving.
*************
Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A: Exchange him!!
*************
Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.
*************
A: Puppies grow up.
*************
Q: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
A: Because they are...
*************
Q: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
A: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever.
*************
Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit the ground first?
A: Who cares?????.....
*************
Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!.
*************
Q: What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO ?
A: I don't know, I've never seen either.
*************
Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: no mind !!) no business !!!??
*************
Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
A:! Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions .
*************
Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink...
*************
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no intention of driving.
*************
Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A: Exchange him!!
*************
Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.
*************
Proverbs and Phrases ..... 10
Parsley seed goes nine times to the Devil
Patience is a virtue
Pearls of wisdom
Penny wise and pound foolish
People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones
Physician, heal thyself
Possession is nine points of the law
Power corrupts; absolute power corrupts absolutely
Practice makes perfect
Practice what you preach
Prevention is better than cure
Pride goes before a fall
Procrastination is the thief of time
Put your best foot forward
Rain before seven, fine before eleven
Red sky at night shepherd's delight; red sky in the morning, shepherd's warning
Revenge is a dish best served cold
Revenge is sweet
Rob Peter to pay Paul
Rome wasn't built in a day
Patience is a virtue
Pearls of wisdom
Penny wise and pound foolish
People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones
Physician, heal thyself
Possession is nine points of the law
Power corrupts; absolute power corrupts absolutely
Practice makes perfect
Practice what you preach
Prevention is better than cure
Pride goes before a fall
Procrastination is the thief of time
Put your best foot forward
Rain before seven, fine before eleven
Red sky at night shepherd's delight; red sky in the morning, shepherd's warning
Revenge is a dish best served cold
Revenge is sweet
Rob Peter to pay Paul
Rome wasn't built in a day
Joke: Tolerance is the name of the game
I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against a mosque being built at Ground Zero. I think it should be the goal of every American to be tolerant. Thus the Mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.
That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, " The Turban Cowboy ", and the other a topless bar called " You Mecca Me Hot ."
Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbeque pork restaurant, called " Iraq o' Ribs. "
Across the street there could be a lingerie store called " Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret ", with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.
Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, " Koranal Knowledge ", its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called " Morehammered. "
All of this would encourage the Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so the mosque problem would be solved. If you agree with promoting tolerance, and you think this is a good plan, please pass it on...
That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, " The Turban Cowboy ", and the other a topless bar called " You Mecca Me Hot ."
Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbeque pork restaurant, called " Iraq o' Ribs. "
Across the street there could be a lingerie store called " Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret ", with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.
Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, " Koranal Knowledge ", its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called " Morehammered. "
All of this would encourage the Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so the mosque problem would be solved. If you agree with promoting tolerance, and you think this is a good plan, please pass it on...
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Courtroom, lawyers and what not .... part 4/4
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Long arm of the law
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary
tried this creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few
Trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can
Punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied.
"Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled.
With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few
Trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can
Punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied.
"Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled.
With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
That old guy from Louisiana
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large
farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
Mixed Emotions
A husband and
wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the
phenomenon of "mixed
emotions".
The husband turned to his wife and said,
"Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make
me happy and sad at the same time.
She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the
biggest pecker."
Logic is not one of Obama's strong points ... part 1
This comic strip is supposedly from an UK newspaper. This and others in the same vein came into my possession via. email from a friend.
Froggy Grandfather
A six year old goes to the hospital with her
mother to visit her Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room .......
"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog - because my mother said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney Land!
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room .......
"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog - because my mother said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney Land!
Burkhas and lacey bras .... wow !!
Senior moments
There was
a bit of confusion at the store this morning.
When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical screaming and store alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.
Obamacare cares for you ....NOT
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the
same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to
require hip surgery.
The FIRSTpatient is examined within the hour, is
x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the
following week.
TheSECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3
weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a
specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another
week and finally has his surgery is scheduled for 6 months from
then pending the review boards decision on his age and
remaining value to society.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The FIRST is a Golden Retriever taken to a vet. The
SECOND is a Senior Citizen on Obama care...
Solution to the problem: In November if Obama and his gang are reelected, it's time to have a good vet.
same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to
require hip surgery.
The FIRSTpatient is examined within the hour, is
x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the
following week.
TheSECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3
weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a
specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another
week and finally has his surgery is scheduled for 6 months from
then pending the review boards decision on his age and
remaining value to society.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The FIRST is a Golden Retriever taken to a vet. The
SECOND is a Senior Citizen on Obama care...
Solution to the problem: In November if Obama and his gang are reelected, it's time to have a good vet.
Innocent as "Innocent" can be
State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main
highway. He sees a couple in a car, with
the interior light brightly glowing. He
carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a
computer magazine. He immediately notices
a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks
to the car and gently raps on the driver's
window.
The young man lowers his window. "'Uh, yes, Officer?"The trooper asks: "What are you doing?"The young man says: "'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: "And her, what is she doing?"The young man shrugs:"Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails."Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane... And nothing obscene is happening!The trooper asks: "What's your age, young man?"The young man says: "I'm 22, sir"The trooper asks: "And her.... what's her age?"The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes..."
Courtroom, lawyers and what not ... Part 3/4
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
Nuns on barstools
Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa,
Katherine Marie, Rose Frances & Mary Kathleen went on a trip to
St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York City.
They were sight-seeing and the day was hot and humid, especially in their traditional garb. The heat and humidity made the sisters very thirsty.
The saw Patty McGuire's Pub nearby and went in for a nice long icy Cokes.
Patty had recently added special legs to his barstools, which were the talk of the fashionable eastside neighborhood. All five nuns went up to the bar and sat on the stools.
They were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley and Father McGinty entered the bar through the front door with the same intention of sipping on a nice cold drink.
They entered the pub, saw the nuns and almost had heart-attacks.
They were sight-seeing and the day was hot and humid, especially in their traditional garb. The heat and humidity made the sisters very thirsty.
The saw Patty McGuire's Pub nearby and went in for a nice long icy Cokes.
Patty had recently added special legs to his barstools, which were the talk of the fashionable eastside neighborhood. All five nuns went up to the bar and sat on the stools.
They were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley and Father McGinty entered the bar through the front door with the same intention of sipping on a nice cold drink.
They entered the pub, saw the nuns and almost had heart-attacks.
Courtroom, lawyers and what not .... Part 2/4
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
Courtroom, lawyers and what not ....... part 1/4
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are supposedly things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by
court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were
actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Edgar Allen Poe's The Tell Tale Heart
Enjoy. Watch it before some nasty at You Tube decides to delete the video.
Getting married in Heaven poses a big problem
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in
a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here!
Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?!
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here!
Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?!
A Congress of Baboons
The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective
nouns for the various groups of animals. We are all
familiar with
a Herd ofcows,
a Flock of chickens,
a School of fish
and a Gaggle of geese.
However, less widely known is:
a Pride of lions,
a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens),
an Exaltation of doves
and, presumably because they look so wise:
a Parliament of owls.
Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest,
most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and
least intelligent of all primates. And what is the proper
collective noun for a group of baboons?
Believe it or not ……. a Congress!
A CONGRESS OF BABOONS!
I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington
a Herd ofcows,
a Flock of chickens,
a School of fish
and a Gaggle of geese.
However, less widely known is:
a Pride of lions,
a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens),
an Exaltation of doves
and, presumably because they look so wise:
a Parliament of owls.
Believe it or not ……. a Congress!
A CONGRESS OF BABOONS!
I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington
Tourists and accents
Two visitors from Italy touring the USA get onto a bus in New York.
They sit down & engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma cums first.
Den I cum.
Den two asses cum together.
I cum once-a-more!
2 asses, they cum 2gether again.
I cum again and pee twice.
Then I cum one lasta time."
The lady can't take this any more and shouts "You foul-mouthed sex-obsessed maniacs, in this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives however extraordinary they might be."
"Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. "Who talkin' about sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi."
They sit down & engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma cums first.
Den I cum.
Den two asses cum together.
I cum once-a-more!
2 asses, they cum 2gether again.
I cum again and pee twice.
Then I cum one lasta time."
The lady can't take this any more and shouts "You foul-mouthed sex-obsessed maniacs, in this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives however extraordinary they might be."
"Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. "Who talkin' about sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi."
How to get loud cellphone speakers to STFU
After a very busy day, a commuter settled down
in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson .
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to
her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart it's Eric, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the
six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting - no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No
sweetheart, you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"
etc., etc.
Fifteen minutes later at St. Anne de Bellevue he was still talking
loudly , when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at
the top of her voice:
"Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!"
My guess would be that Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public
any longer
Spanish Lessons and the Debate about a computer
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish,
unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House'
for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is
masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is
'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split
the class into
two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for
themselves
whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each
group
was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be
of the
feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their
creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language
they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone
else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term
memory
for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make
a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on
accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
Masculine ('el
computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them,
you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still
can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve
problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little
longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women
won.
Joke: Driving at night
An
elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. And is asked where he is
going at this time of
night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a
lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as
smoking and staying out
late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is
giving that lecture at this time of
night?"
The man replies, "That would be my
wife."
|
Obama's supporters
Today I had to run to our local grocery store. As I approached the entrance,
I noticed a driver looking for a parking space.
I flagged the driver and pointed out a parking space in the handicap area.
The driver looked puzzled.
''I'm not handicapped'' she said.
Well, was my face red. ''Oh, sorry about that, I saw your Obama sticker and just presumed...''
She gave me the finger and called me some nasty names.
Sheesh! Some people... and you're just trying to help them.
Maxine on Minorities
We need
to show more sympathy
for these people.
don't
to show more sympathy
for these people.
don't
They don't get paid enough
wages.
*
They do jobs that others won't do
or
are afraid to do.
They do jobs that others won't do
or
are afraid to do.
*
They
live in crowded
live in crowded
conditions
among a people who
speak a different
language.
among a people who
speak a different
language.
*
They
rarely see their families,
rarely see their families,
and they
face adversity all day ~ every
day.
face adversity all day ~ every
day.
*I'm not
talking about illegal Mexicans
I'm talking
about our troops!
Doesn't
it seem strange that so
many are
willing to lavish all kinds
willing to lavish all kinds
of social
benefits on illegals,
but don't support our
troops?
Wouldn't it
be great if we took
benefits on illegals,
but don't support our
troops?
Wouldn't it
be great if we took
the
$360,000,000,000 (that's billion)
$360,000,000,000 (that's billion)
we spend on
illegals every
year, and spend it on our
troops!!!
illegals every
year, and spend it on our
troops!!!
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Joke: Clinics better than Hotel rooms
A couple went to the sex therapists office at the hospital.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us having sex, for your expert analysis?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse, " and
charged them $100.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an Appointment, have intercourse with no
problems, pay the doctor and then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married And we can't go to her house - I'm married and we can't go to my house.
Hotels charge more than what you charge me
AND I can claim these visits to you as legitimate medical expenses.
Can't beat that !!
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us having sex, for your expert analysis?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse, " and
charged them $100.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an Appointment, have intercourse with no
problems, pay the doctor and then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married And we can't go to her house - I'm married and we can't go to my house.
Hotels charge more than what you charge me
AND I can claim these visits to you as legitimate medical expenses.
Can't beat that !!
Movie: Enemy of the State
This is a good movie from 1998. If you haven't seen it before, watch it now before it's removed from YouTube. Good stuff, especially good full movies, don't last more than a month or two on YouTube.
Joke: Parents hate smart-ass teachers
Mr. Dickson asked his 4th graders one day if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole. Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers.
They came back the next day and still no one knew the answer. “Look,” said Mr. Dickson while holding his index finger against his thumb, forming a little “zero.” “This is one hole, my nose has 2 holes, and Ican put my hand over my nose and make my nose holes appear inside this other hole.”
“Aaaaaaahhhhhh,” said the children.
The next day, Little Johnny stood up and said, “Mr. Dickson, my daddy wants to know if you know how toput 7 holes in 1 hole.”
“Hmmmm,” he thought, “How can you put 7 holes in 1? Well, I'll be darned; I don't know how to do that. Um, did your father tell you how to?”
“Yes,” said Little Johnny, “You take a flute and shove it up your ass!"
They came back the next day and still no one knew the answer. “Look,” said Mr. Dickson while holding his index finger against his thumb, forming a little “zero.” “This is one hole, my nose has 2 holes, and Ican put my hand over my nose and make my nose holes appear inside this other hole.”
“Aaaaaaahhhhhh,” said the children.
The next day, Little Johnny stood up and said, “Mr. Dickson, my daddy wants to know if you know how toput 7 holes in 1 hole.”
“Hmmmm,” he thought, “How can you put 7 holes in 1? Well, I'll be darned; I don't know how to do that. Um, did your father tell you how to?”
“Yes,” said Little Johnny, “You take a flute and shove it up your ass!"
Joke: Taxman and taxpayer .... Canadian way
Revenue Canada decides to audit Grandpa and summons him to the Revenue Canada office. The Revenue Canada auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the Revenue Canada finds that believable.’
I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about it?’ The auditor thinks for a moment and then said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’
Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’ The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘Okay, I’ll bet to that.’
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops. Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, and Grandpa’s attorney is a witness. He starts to get nervous.
‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks. ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa’s attorney moans and buries his head in his hands.
‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks. ‘No I’m not,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!’
The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the Revenue Canada finds that believable.’
I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about it?’ The auditor thinks for a moment and then said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’
Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’ The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘Okay, I’ll bet to that.’
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops. Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, and Grandpa’s attorney is a witness. He starts to get nervous.
‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks. ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa’s attorney moans and buries his head in his hands.
‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks. ‘No I’m not,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!’
Joke: The lows and highs of life
A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon) - but mostly to see the horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinals.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, helping them to hold on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'
'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, helping them to hold on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'
'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'