ISIS's ploy to get Obama's attention

Blonde driver

 A blond man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. 

Suddenly he has to swerve  to avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"

Cartoon: Coalition against ISIS not effective enough

Blonde Men are Dumber

 A blond man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. 

His wife says "Why don't you  put an ad in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here boy!" he replies.

Cartoon: Crazy Muslims

Inflatable Dolls ... the one that can blow

Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says , 'Male or female?'
Customer says, 'Female.'
Counter guy ask,
'Black or white?
Customer says, 'White.'  
Counter guy asks,
'Christian or Muslim?'  
Customer says,
'What the hell does religion have to do with it?
Counter guy says,
'The Muslim one
blows itself up.'

Jeb Bush ...finished even before start

Thank God for small mercies.

Joke: About Moses and Jesus

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

Attention Span

Lexophiles

Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that  have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna  fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take  debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles  U.C.L.A.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a  dress.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was
resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's
all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.

Legacy of George Bush

This pic of one of the members of the supposedly pious Christian family Bush, is superimposed on the hundreds of US soldiers killed in the unwarranted war on Iraq during that family member's tenure as the President of the USA.  The number of Iraqis killed during same time is close to a million. The number of Iraq war veterans dying by committing suicide or locked up in lunatic asylums is a well kept secret.

How to stop biting nails

Two little old ladies were discussing their husbands over tea.

"I wish George would stop biting his nails," said one.

"He makes me terribly nervous."

"My Bob used to do the same thing," the other woman replied. "But I broke him of the habit."

"How?"

"I hid his teeth".

The most illegal thing you will ever do

Need Help?

As I was driving home this week worrying about all the crap going on in Washington, Ottawa, London, Moscow, Ukraine etc. and at how America is falling apart, I saw a yard sign that said:

NEED HELP?
CALL JESUS
1-800-005-3787

Out of curiosity and desperation, I did.

A Mexican answered the phone wanting to cut my grass…

Maths is hard

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....' 

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?' The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.' 

'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked 
'Yes,' he answered. 

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 
'What are you teaching my son in math?' 
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.' 
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?' 
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 
'What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.' 

Kids and religion

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.

Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

 ....................

UNANSWERED PRAYER

The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.

"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon"

"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.

Kids and Sunday school fun

DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"

"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."

 .................

HIGHER POWER

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"

One child blurted out, "Aces!"

 .......................

MOSES AND THE RED SEA

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt . When he got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his Mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom, but, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

The things kids say about prayers

TIME TO PRAY

A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.

 

"Yes, sir." the boy replied.

 

"And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked.

"No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime"

 

 .................

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS

When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls."

 

This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"

 

Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"

 

 ..................

SAY A PRAYER

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.

 

"I don't need to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do." his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.

Name the Pic .... 5

Card Shark

The things kids say! Good Samaritan

GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

 

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

Name the Pic .... 4

Doctor Pepper

The things kids say!

LOT'S WIFE

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot 's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted,

 

"My Mommy looked back once while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "And she turned into a telephone pole!"

Name the Pic .... 3

King of Pop

Old age .... can't believe you got there, eh?

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN 'T LOOK THAT OLD.

WELL . . YOU 'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL ..

'YES. YES, I DID. I 'M A MUSTANG, ' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE? ' I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1967.. WHY DO YOU ASK? '

YOU WERE IN MY CLASS! ', I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED FACED,

FAT-ASSED,

GRAY-HAIRED,

DECREPIT

SON-OF-A-BITCH

ASKED ME

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???'

Name the Pic .... 2

Gator aide

Saddles and Indians

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.

An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it
echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.

"Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

Name this Pic ..... 1

Light Beer

Joke: What's 2 + 5 ?

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....' His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?' The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.' 'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked 'Yes,' he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you teaching my son in math?' The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.' The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?' After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.' 

Bush: "Mission Accomplished"

Joke: The burglar who met Jesus and Moses

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

America loves Saudi Arabia

Riddles .... part 4

Answers at bottom of page:

16. In olden days you are a clever thief charged with treason against the king and sentenced to death. But the king decides to be a little lenient and lets you choose your own way to die. What way should you choose? Remember,You're clever!

17. What is it that when you take away the whole, you still have some left Over?

18. What six letter word in the English language contains ten other words  without rearranging any of its letters?

19. Name an English word of more than 2 letters that both begins and ends with the letters "he" in that order. There are two possible answers. "hehe" is not acceptable. 

 20. A man was found murdered on Sunday morning. His wife immediately called the police. The police questioned the wife and staff and got these alibis: The Wife said she was sleeping.The Cook was cooking breakfast.The Gardener was picking vegetables.The Maid was getting the mail.The Butler was cleaning the closet.  

The police instantly arrested the murdered. Who did it and how did they  know?

Answers:

16. I think I would have chosen to die of "old age". Did you?

17. The word Wholesome.

18.The word is Spared. The ten words are: Spa, Spar, Spare, Pa, Par, Pare,Pared, Are, Re, and Red. If you got this one you are good!

19. Headache or Heartache.

20. It was the Maid. She said she was getting the mail. There is no mail on 

Fishy Politicians

Riddles .... part 3

11. I can sizzle like bacon,I am made with an egg,I have plenty of backbone, but lack a good leg,I peel layers like onions, but still remain whole,I can be long, like a flagpole, yet fit in a hole,What am I?

12. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though.Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any Coaching!

13. Hi! Ma and Pa told me I'd better say that all the two-letter words inThis paragraph have something in common ...... Or else! What's the common factor here?

14. What falls but never breaks?What breaks but never falls?

15. This one's a tuffy! There is a common English word that is seven letters long. Each time you remove a letter from it, it still remains a common English word - from seven letters right on down to a single letter. What is  the original word, and what are the words that it becomes after removing aLetter at a time? 

Answers:

11. A snake.

12. The letter "e", which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the long paragraph.

13. All the two-letter combinations are abbreviations of U.S. States:Hi:Hawaii, MA:Massachusetts, PA:Pennsylvania, me:Maine, in:Indiana, I'd:Idaho, or:Oregon

14. Night and Day!

15. The original word is "Snowing". It decomposes to: sowing, swing, sing,sin, in, and I.

Sunni Today

Riddles ... part 2

Answers at bottom of page.

6. FOUR is HALF of FIVE.Is this statement True or False?

7. A woman shoots her husband.Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes.Finally, she hangs him.But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

8. What do these 3 have in common?Superman  Moses The Cabbage Patch Kids

9. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

10. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday,  Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

Answers:

6. It's True. The Roman Numeral FOUR (IV) is in the middle of the word Five:F(IV)E

7. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry.

8. They were all adopted!

9. The answer is Charcoal. In Homer Simpson's words: Hmmmm... Barbecue.

10. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow! 

Fox News just can't make up its mind

Riddles .......... part 1

Answers at bottom of page.

1. Tom's mom had three children. The first was named May, the second was June. What was the third childs name?


2. The manufacturer doesn't want to use it, the buyer doesn't need to use it  and the user doesn't know he's using it. What is it?


3. The word CANDY can be spelled using just 2 letters. Can you figure out how?


4. Bill bets Craig $100 that he can predict the score of the hockey game  before it starts. Craig agrees, but loses the bet. Why did Craig lose the bet?

Answers:

1. Tom.....Tom's mom had three children, June, May, and Tom.

2. A Coffin

3. The answer: C and Y

4. Bill said the score would be 0-0 and he was right. Before any hockey game starts, the score is always 0-0.