ISIS's ploy to get Obama's attention

Blonde driver

 A blond man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. 

Suddenly he has to swerve  to avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"

Cartoon: Coalition against ISIS not effective enough

Blonde Men are Dumber

 A blond man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. 

His wife says "Why don't you  put an ad in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here boy!" he replies.

Cartoon: Crazy Muslims

Inflatable Dolls ... the one that can blow

Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says , 'Male or female?'
Customer says, 'Female.'
Counter guy ask,
'Black or white?
Customer says, 'White.'  
Counter guy asks,
'Christian or Muslim?'  
Customer says,
'What the hell does religion have to do with it?
Counter guy says,
'The Muslim one
blows itself up.'

Jeb Bush ...finished even before start

Thank God for small mercies.

Joke: About Moses and Jesus

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

Attention Span

Lexophiles

Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that  have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna  fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take  debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles  U.C.L.A.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a  dress.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was
resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's
all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.

Legacy of George Bush

This pic of one of the members of the supposedly pious Christian family Bush, is superimposed on the hundreds of US soldiers killed in the unwarranted war on Iraq during that family member's tenure as the President of the USA.  The number of Iraqis killed during same time is close to a million. The number of Iraq war veterans dying by committing suicide or locked up in lunatic asylums is a well kept secret.

How to stop biting nails

Two little old ladies were discussing their husbands over tea.

"I wish George would stop biting his nails," said one.

"He makes me terribly nervous."

"My Bob used to do the same thing," the other woman replied. "But I broke him of the habit."

"How?"

"I hid his teeth".

The most illegal thing you will ever do

Need Help?

As I was driving home this week worrying about all the crap going on in Washington, Ottawa, London, Moscow, Ukraine etc. and at how America is falling apart, I saw a yard sign that said:

NEED HELP?
CALL JESUS
1-800-005-3787

Out of curiosity and desperation, I did.

A Mexican answered the phone wanting to cut my grass…

Maths is hard

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....' 

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?' The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.' 

'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked 
'Yes,' he answered. 

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 
'What are you teaching my son in math?' 
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.' 
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?' 
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 
'What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.' 

Kids and religion

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.

Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

 ....................

UNANSWERED PRAYER

The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.

"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon"

"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.

Kids and Sunday school fun

DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"

"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."

 .................

HIGHER POWER

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"

One child blurted out, "Aces!"

 .......................

MOSES AND THE RED SEA

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt . When he got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his Mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom, but, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

The things kids say about prayers

TIME TO PRAY

A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.

 

"Yes, sir." the boy replied.

 

"And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked.

"No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime"

 

 .................

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS

When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls."

 

This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"

 

Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"

 

 ..................

SAY A PRAYER

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.

 

"I don't need to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do." his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.

Name the Pic .... 5

Card Shark

The things kids say! Good Samaritan

GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

 

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."