Limit all US politicians to two terms...
One in office
One in prison
Friday, May 7, 2010
Funny: Good advice
Advice from Pete and Leroy
Limit all US politicians to two terms...
One in office
One in prison
Limit all US politicians to two terms...
One in office
One in prison
Joke: Wrong eMail address
A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong E-mail address:
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.
Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her E-mail address, and without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.
Meanwhile ... Somewhere in Houston .... A widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her E-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends..... After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Date: Friday, October 13, 2005
Subject: I have arrived!
Dearest Love:
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send E-mail to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
PS . It sure is freakin' hot down here.
.
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.
Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her E-mail address, and without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.
Meanwhile ... Somewhere in Houston .... A widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her E-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends..... After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Date: Friday, October 13, 2005
Subject: I have arrived!
Dearest Love:
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send E-mail to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
PS . It sure is freakin' hot down here.
.
Joke: Senior Citizens' prepare for their wedding
Jacob, age 92, and Rebeca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore ... Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The whole works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The whole works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
.
Funny: Maxine has the answer
Question: What do you get when you mix PMS with a GPS?
Answer: A crazy bitch who WILL find you!
Answer: A crazy bitch who WILL find you!
Funny: Quips from Larry the Comedian
1.A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15.. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15.. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Jokes: Gotta love those "blonde" jokes
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'
----------
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
----------
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!
.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'
----------
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
----------
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!
.
Joke: Fireman's hose
A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
'From now on when I say BELL 1 I want you to strip naked.
When I say BELL 2 I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say BELL 3 We are going to make love all night.
The next night when he got home from work and yelled
' BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled ' BELL 3!', they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!'
'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband?
'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied' YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!'
.
'From now on when I say BELL 1 I want you to strip naked.
When I say BELL 2 I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say BELL 3 We are going to make love all night.
The next night when he got home from work and yelled
' BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled ' BELL 3!', they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!'
'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband?
'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied' YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!'
.
Joke: Oldster and the RCMP officer
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership and past the Tim Horton's.
Taking off down the Trans Canada , he floored it to 120 km/hour, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the highway, pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the RCMP behind him, red and blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him, no problem!" thought the elderly nut case as he floored it to 130 kph, then 140, then 150 kph.
Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Mountie to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the officer walked up to the driver's side of the Corvette, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man, looked at the Mountie very seriously and said:
"Years ago, my wife ran off with an RCMP officer. I thought you were bringing her back.
"Have a good day, Sir," said the Mountie.
.
Taking off down the Trans Canada , he floored it to 120 km/hour, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the highway, pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the RCMP behind him, red and blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him, no problem!" thought the elderly nut case as he floored it to 130 kph, then 140, then 150 kph.
Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Mountie to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the officer walked up to the driver's side of the Corvette, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man, looked at the Mountie very seriously and said:
"Years ago, my wife ran off with an RCMP officer. I thought you were bringing her back.
"Have a good day, Sir," said the Mountie.
.
Joke: Exercise for people over 50
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag
.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag
.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Joke: Obama turns White
In a sheer panic and fearing he was turning white all over,
he called his doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately. After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid,
gave it to Barack, and told him to drink it all.
Barack drank the concoction and said, "That tasted like bullshIt"!
"It was." the doctor replied, "You were a quart low."
.
Recipe: Polynesian Baked Chicken
This recipe is extremely easy to do. You will need:
Bone-in chicken thighs (either remove the skin or keep it on) 5- 6 pieces
1 cup Thousand Island dressing
3 tbsp orange marmalade
1 cup onion soup
Arrange chicken thighs in greased baking dish
Combine other ingredients. Pour over chicken. Bake, covered, in 350°F (175°C) oven for about 1 1/2 hours, turning chicken halfway through cooking time, until no longer pink inside. Remove cover for last 15 minutes to thicken sauce if desired or to brown it nicely keep on broil for a couple of minutes. Enjoy.
See..... told you it was easy.
Bone-in chicken thighs (either remove the skin or keep it on) 5- 6 pieces
1 cup Thousand Island dressing
3 tbsp orange marmalade
1 cup onion soup
Arrange chicken thighs in greased baking dish
Combine other ingredients. Pour over chicken. Bake, covered, in 350°F (175°C) oven for about 1 1/2 hours, turning chicken halfway through cooking time, until no longer pink inside. Remove cover for last 15 minutes to thicken sauce if desired or to brown it nicely keep on broil for a couple of minutes. Enjoy.
See..... told you it was easy.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Play on words
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine .
... A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
... Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
... Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
... Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
... A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
... A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
... Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
... Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
... Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
... When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
... A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
... What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
... Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
... In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism you count votes.
... She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
... A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
... If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
... With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
... The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
... You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
... Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
... Every calendar's days are numbered..
... A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
... A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
... He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
... A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
... Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
... Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis..
... Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
... Acupuncture is a jab well done
... A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
... Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
... Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
... Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
... A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
... A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
... Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
... Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
... Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
... When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
... A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
... What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
... Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
... In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism you count votes.
... She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
... A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
... If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
... With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
... The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
... You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
... Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
... Every calendar's days are numbered..
... A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
... A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
... He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
... A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
... Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
... Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis..
... Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
... Acupuncture is a jab well done
Joke: Tight skirted woman
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus..
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the
second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled,
'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,
but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.'
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the
second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled,
'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,
but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.'
Funny: Fun things to do in an elevator
1.When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2.Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3.Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
4.Swat at flies that don't exist.
5.Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
6.Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
7.Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.
8.Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they hear something ticking.
9.Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
10.Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
11.Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
12.Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."
13.Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space!"
14.Fart loudly then exclaim "Was that you. There's no way I could do that one because unfortately mine don't come out loud."
15.Before the elevator door opens shout "DING" and then laugh and say "beat you again Mr Elevator."
16.Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
17.Hire a labrador, wear sunglasses and repeatedly walk into the walls whilst pretending to not hear the other passenger's direction.
18.Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "that's mine!"
19.Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
20.Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
.
2.Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3.Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
4.Swat at flies that don't exist.
5.Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
6.Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
7.Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.
8.Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they hear something ticking.
9.Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
10.Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
11.Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
12.Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."
13.Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space!"
14.Fart loudly then exclaim "Was that you. There's no way I could do that one because unfortately mine don't come out loud."
15.Before the elevator door opens shout "DING" and then laugh and say "beat you again Mr Elevator."
16.Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
17.Hire a labrador, wear sunglasses and repeatedly walk into the walls whilst pretending to not hear the other passenger's direction.
18.Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "that's mine!"
19.Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
20.Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Joke: Preacher's son
An old country preacher.. ...had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young Men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.
1. A Bible... ..?
2. A silver dollar... ..?
3. A bottle of whisky... ..?
4. And a Playboy magazine.. ..?
'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.
If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.
But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.'
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table..
With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.
'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered.
'He's gonna run for Congress.'
.
1. A Bible... ..?
2. A silver dollar... ..?
3. A bottle of whisky... ..?
4. And a Playboy magazine.. ..?
'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.
If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.
But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.'
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table..
With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.
'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered.
'He's gonna run for Congress.'
.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Quotations: Leon Uris
Leon Uris : American novelist (Aug 3, 1924 - Jun 21 2003) is one of my most favorite writers. His books, like Exodus, Trinity and Mila-18 and many others are a "must" read.
******
You can try to reach an audience, but you just write what comes out of you and you just hope that it is accepted. You do not write specifically to a generation.
--------
English of course is your major tool, but it is not nearly so important as other aspects of writing for example you have to have some natural ability you can't buy it no one puts it there you're born with it.
--------
The first thing you have to do is get immersed in the project, organizing yourself, knowing what you are going after and not going after.
---------
Often we have no time for our friends but all the time in the world for our enemies.
------------
Research to me is as important or more important than the writing. It is the foundation upon which the book is built.
-----------
******
You can try to reach an audience, but you just write what comes out of you and you just hope that it is accepted. You do not write specifically to a generation.
--------
English of course is your major tool, but it is not nearly so important as other aspects of writing for example you have to have some natural ability you can't buy it no one puts it there you're born with it.
--------
The first thing you have to do is get immersed in the project, organizing yourself, knowing what you are going after and not going after.
---------
Often we have no time for our friends but all the time in the world for our enemies.
------------
Research to me is as important or more important than the writing. It is the foundation upon which the book is built.
-----------
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Jokes: Heaven is crowded with "bad day" dead
It got so crowded in heaven that St. Peter decided that for just one day he would accept only people whose death came about because it was a really, really bad day.
So, St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
.
So, St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Quotations: Marcel Poust
Marcel Poust (July 10, 1871 – November 18, 1922) was a French novelist and critic. These quotes are from his translated works. Such deep thoughts makes one wonder how much more of an impact they would make in the original language, French.
*********
We don't receive wisdom; we must discover it for ourselves after a journey that no one can take for us or spare us.
-------------
Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.
--------
The bonds between ourselves and others exists only in our minds. Memory as it grows fainter loosens them and notwithstanding the illusion . . . we exist alone.
-------
The only true voyage of discovery, the only really rejuvenating experience, would be not to visit strange lands but to possess other eyes, to see the universe through the eyes of another, of a hundred others, to see the hundred universes that each of them sees.
-------
Desire makes everything blossom; possession makes everything wither and fade
---------
In theory one is aware that the earth revolves, but in practice one does not perceive it, the ground upon which one treads seems not to move, and one can live undisturbed. So it is with Time in one's life.
------
Things don't change, but by and by our wishes change.
----------
*********
We don't receive wisdom; we must discover it for ourselves after a journey that no one can take for us or spare us.
-------------
Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.
--------
The bonds between ourselves and others exists only in our minds. Memory as it grows fainter loosens them and notwithstanding the illusion . . . we exist alone.
-------
The only true voyage of discovery, the only really rejuvenating experience, would be not to visit strange lands but to possess other eyes, to see the universe through the eyes of another, of a hundred others, to see the hundred universes that each of them sees.
-------
Desire makes everything blossom; possession makes everything wither and fade
---------
In theory one is aware that the earth revolves, but in practice one does not perceive it, the ground upon which one treads seems not to move, and one can live undisturbed. So it is with Time in one's life.
------
Things don't change, but by and by our wishes change.
----------
Recipes: Chinese Chicken Chow Mein
1 green sweet pepper (sliced) ,1 red sweet pepper (sliced)
1 cup boiling water
1 1/2 tablespoons butter, 1 small onion (chopped), 2 stalks celery (sliced)
1 tablespoon flour
1 cup chicken broth,2 tablespoons soy sauce
freshly ground pepper
1 can (4 ounce) sliced mushrooms, drained, 8 ounces cooked chicken breast (cut into bite size pieces)
6 cups water
8 ounces egg noodles, salt to taste,
oil for frying
4 ounces sliced, toasted, salted, almonds
Cut the peppers into slices and blanch in boiling water for 5 minutes. Drain. Melt 1 1/2 teaspoons of butter in a saucepan; add onions and celery and saute until the onion become transparent. Sprinkle with flour, add chicken broth and bring to a boil, stirring constantly. Simmer for 10 minutes. Add the soy sauce and season with pepper. Add the pepper slices, mushrooms, and chicken. Cover and simmer for another 15 minutes. Meanwhile, bring 6 cups of slightly salted water to a boil and add the noodles and cook for 15 minutes. Drain and rinse with cold water. Place 2/3 of the noodles in a heated bowl, and 1 tablespoon of butter. Cover and keep warm. Heat oil in a skillet until very hot. Cut the remaining 1/3 of the noodles into 2-inch long pieces. Place in the hot oil and fry until they are golden brown. Place on paper towlel to drain. To serve, spoon chicken mixture over the buttered noodles and top with fried noodles and almonds. Serve 4.
.
1 cup boiling water
1 1/2 tablespoons butter, 1 small onion (chopped), 2 stalks celery (sliced)
1 tablespoon flour
1 cup chicken broth,2 tablespoons soy sauce
freshly ground pepper
1 can (4 ounce) sliced mushrooms, drained, 8 ounces cooked chicken breast (cut into bite size pieces)
6 cups water
8 ounces egg noodles, salt to taste,
oil for frying
4 ounces sliced, toasted, salted, almonds
Cut the peppers into slices and blanch in boiling water for 5 minutes. Drain. Melt 1 1/2 teaspoons of butter in a saucepan; add onions and celery and saute until the onion become transparent. Sprinkle with flour, add chicken broth and bring to a boil, stirring constantly. Simmer for 10 minutes. Add the soy sauce and season with pepper. Add the pepper slices, mushrooms, and chicken. Cover and simmer for another 15 minutes. Meanwhile, bring 6 cups of slightly salted water to a boil and add the noodles and cook for 15 minutes. Drain and rinse with cold water. Place 2/3 of the noodles in a heated bowl, and 1 tablespoon of butter. Cover and keep warm. Heat oil in a skillet until very hot. Cut the remaining 1/3 of the noodles into 2-inch long pieces. Place in the hot oil and fry until they are golden brown. Place on paper towlel to drain. To serve, spoon chicken mixture over the buttered noodles and top with fried noodles and almonds. Serve 4.
.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Cartoons: Religious Maxine
Looking up toward heaven, she said, 'Lord, take pity on me.
If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up sex and tequila.'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
She looked up again and said, 'Never mind. I found one.'
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Church Bulletins to make you laugh aloud
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
China: More pics from my friends from their recent visit
500 years old Cypress trees
Beijing Temple - Picture of heaven and earthJuyong and the Great Wall seen at a distance
Quotations: Ayn Rand
Some quotes attributed to Ayn Rand
A creative man is motivated by the desire to achieve, not by the desire to beat others.
-----
Ask yourself whether the dream of heaven and greatness should be waiting for us in our graves - or whether it should be ours here and now and on this earth.
----------
Contradictions do not exist. Whenever you think you are facing a contradiction, check your premises. You will find that one of them is wrong.
---------
Do not ever say that the desire to "do good" by force is a good motive. Neither power-lust nor stupidity are good motives.
----------
Happiness is that state of consciousness which proceeds from the achievement of one’s values.
The great creators –the thinkers, the artists, the scientists, the inventors– stood alone against the men of their time
-------
The purpose of morality is to teach you, not to suffer and die, but to enjoy yourself and live.”
---------
“We can evade reality, but we cannot evade the consequences of evading reality”
--------
A creative man is motivated by the desire to achieve, not by the desire to beat others.
-----
Ask yourself whether the dream of heaven and greatness should be waiting for us in our graves - or whether it should be ours here and now and on this earth.
----------
Contradictions do not exist. Whenever you think you are facing a contradiction, check your premises. You will find that one of them is wrong.
---------
Do not ever say that the desire to "do good" by force is a good motive. Neither power-lust nor stupidity are good motives.
----------
Happiness is that state of consciousness which proceeds from the achievement of one’s values.
The great creators –the thinkers, the artists, the scientists, the inventors– stood alone against the men of their time
-------
The purpose of morality is to teach you, not to suffer and die, but to enjoy yourself and live.”
---------
“We can evade reality, but we cannot evade the consequences of evading reality”
--------
Blonde Jokes
What should you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you ? Simply catch the grenade, remove the pin and lob it back to her.
----------
A blonde was trying to reach the airport. On the way there she read a sign and turned back home. When asked why, she said the sign said ‘Airport Left’.
--------
A blonde was disappointed with her new bathtub. She complained that the thing emptied automatically after filling up. The shopkeeper said everything was fine and she just needed to put the plug in. To this, the blonde got excited and said ‘I did not know the tub was electrical’.
-----------
A blonde asked a man in the street what the time was. The man said 3:15 PM. The puzzled blonde told the man that she has asked this same question to several people throughout the day. The problem was that each time she got a different answer and it was confusing her.
---------
A blonde woman and a pig were walking down the street when a man asked : ‘Where did you get that’. The pig replied: "I got her at a raffle draw."
----------
A blonde was trying to reach the airport. On the way there she read a sign and turned back home. When asked why, she said the sign said ‘Airport Left’.
--------
A blonde was disappointed with her new bathtub. She complained that the thing emptied automatically after filling up. The shopkeeper said everything was fine and she just needed to put the plug in. To this, the blonde got excited and said ‘I did not know the tub was electrical’.
-----------
A blonde asked a man in the street what the time was. The man said 3:15 PM. The puzzled blonde told the man that she has asked this same question to several people throughout the day. The problem was that each time she got a different answer and it was confusing her.
---------
A blonde woman and a pig were walking down the street when a man asked : ‘Where did you get that’. The pig replied: "I got her at a raffle draw."
Monday, April 12, 2010
Word Puzzle
AMAZING ONE WORD RIDDLE
What nine letter word in the English language is still a word every time one letter is removed until all eight letters are removed without moving or shuffling the letters that are left?
Give up? Here's the word and how it is done
S T A R T L I N G
STARTING (L removed)
STARING (T removed)
STRING (A removed)
STING (R removed)
SING (T removed)
SIN (G removed)
IN (S removed)
I (N removed)
What nine letter word in the English language is still a word every time one letter is removed until all eight letters are removed without moving or shuffling the letters that are left?
Give up? Here's the word and how it is done
S T A R T L I N G
STARTING (L removed)
STARING (T removed)
STRING (A removed)
STING (R removed)
SING (T removed)
SIN (G removed)
IN (S removed)
I (N removed)
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Poetry: A Byte of Memory
Another published poem of yours truly. A couple of editors at the mags where my poems got published, used to think I was pretty good, long ago.
-----------
Amidst the jumble I call my mind,
Lies embedded a weeny memory;
A byte of a little computer chip
Of days when I was carefree.
Unguarded intervals find me
Back, back to the valleys decades dead;
To see myself as once was,
And rue anew end of youth.
For, with youth walked
Courage hand-in-hand,
Joy and laughter were bosom friends,
Integrity and ethics were so dear
While deceit was something to fear.
Knew we not to affect our speech
And promises were usually easy to keep
For we based them not on imaginery flights;
But down-to-earth attainable sights.
From my vantage point down,
down in the valley
I see me - me of day this;
And nauseously I turn away
Begging nostalgia to take over and reign.
-----------
Amidst the jumble I call my mind,
Lies embedded a weeny memory;
A byte of a little computer chip
Of days when I was carefree.
Unguarded intervals find me
Back, back to the valleys decades dead;
To see myself as once was,
And rue anew end of youth.
For, with youth walked
Courage hand-in-hand,
Joy and laughter were bosom friends,
Integrity and ethics were so dear
While deceit was something to fear.
Knew we not to affect our speech
And promises were usually easy to keep
For we based them not on imaginery flights;
But down-to-earth attainable sights.
From my vantage point down,
down in the valley
I see me - me of day this;
And nauseously I turn away
Begging nostalgia to take over and reign.
Recipes: Things for Tea
Tea Scones
3 cups all purpose flour
half cup granulated sugar
5 tsp baking powder
half tsp salt
1 cup butter
1 egg (optional)
1 cup milk or cream (increase either the butter or cream by a few teaspoons, if not using the egg)
Mix all dry ingredients together. Cut in butter. Mix cream or milk and the egg separately. Spread on floured board and cut into desired shapes. Bake at 450F for 15 mins or until lightly browned
-------------
Banana Muffins
3 or 4 large bananas
half cup sugar
1 egg
1 tsp of baking soda
1 tsp of baking powder
little salt
2 cups of all purpose flour
1 cup of light margarine or if you can afford it, butter
Melt the butter or margarine. In a bowl mash the bananas, add sugar, add the egg and other ingredients and pour in the melted marg or butter. Mix well. Drop into well greased muffin tray and bake at 375F for about 20 mins.
--------------
.
3 cups all purpose flour
half cup granulated sugar
5 tsp baking powder
half tsp salt
1 cup butter
1 egg (optional)
1 cup milk or cream (increase either the butter or cream by a few teaspoons, if not using the egg)
Mix all dry ingredients together. Cut in butter. Mix cream or milk and the egg separately. Spread on floured board and cut into desired shapes. Bake at 450F for 15 mins or until lightly browned
-------------
Banana Muffins
3 or 4 large bananas
half cup sugar
1 egg
1 tsp of baking soda
1 tsp of baking powder
little salt
2 cups of all purpose flour
1 cup of light margarine or if you can afford it, butter
Melt the butter or margarine. In a bowl mash the bananas, add sugar, add the egg and other ingredients and pour in the melted marg or butter. Mix well. Drop into well greased muffin tray and bake at 375F for about 20 mins.
--------------
.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Travel: Beijing, China
Here are some pics from my friends who were in China recently. More coming later.
Beijing - Inside Forbidden City
Female bronze lion with bay under left paw.
Beijing, Tian n men Square, main gate
Garden inside Forbidden City, Beijing
Female bronze lion with bay under left paw.
Garden inside Forbidden City, Beijing
Jokes: Drunken ones
An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes."
The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer bottle that never runs empty."
With that, the genie makes a poof sound and the bar lands a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.
The man says, "I want two more of these."
............
The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there pal?"
"It’s a mongoose."
"What have you got that for?"
"Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection."
"But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes."
"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."
----------
A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.
"Okay," says the bartender, "If you say you paid, you did."
The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.
The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.
The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched in the face."
"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
.............................
The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer bottle that never runs empty."
With that, the genie makes a poof sound and the bar lands a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.
The man says, "I want two more of these."
............
The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there pal?"
"It’s a mongoose."
"What have you got that for?"
"Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection."
"But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes."
"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."
----------
A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.
"Okay," says the bartender, "If you say you paid, you did."
The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.
The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.
The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched in the face."
"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
.............................
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
