Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The man from Nova Scotia fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The man from Saskatchewan reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Newfoundlander started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Newfie replied, 'These are Carols.'
Monday, December 13, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Joke: Jesus Christ drives a red pickup truck
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students to learn one thing about Jesus for next Sunday.
The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned.
Susie said, "He was born in a manger."
Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."
Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it."
Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?"
"From my Daddy," said Johnny.
"Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?
The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned.
Susie said, "He was born in a manger."
Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."
Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it."
Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?"
"From my Daddy," said Johnny.
"Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Joke or maybe not ... Obama and Cameron with a Time Machine
Barak Obama and David Cameron are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future.
They both decide to test it by asking a question each.
Barak goes first.
"What will the USA be like in 100 years time"
The machine whirrs and beeps, goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out
"The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries"
David thinks "Its not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that" so he asks
"What will Great Britain be like in 100 years time?"
The machine whirrs and beeps, goes into action, and he gets a printout.
But he's just staring at it.
"Come on David" says Barak, "What does it say"
David replies,
"Buggered if I know ! It's all in Arabic!"
They both decide to test it by asking a question each.
Barak goes first.
"What will the USA be like in 100 years time"
The machine whirrs and beeps, goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out
"The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries"
David thinks "Its not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that" so he asks
"What will Great Britain be like in 100 years time?"
The machine whirrs and beeps, goes into action, and he gets a printout.
But he's just staring at it.
"Come on David" says Barak, "What does it say"
David replies,
"Buggered if I know ! It's all in Arabic!"
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
Joke: Oh .. to be a millionaire
Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be a Millionaire' and toward the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds. "You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,"but for a million pounds, you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin ."
Mick called up his mate Paddy, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Oh hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple - it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I’m sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as me answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."
There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
"You know why Mick! Because he lives in a clock!"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin ."
Mick called up his mate Paddy, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Oh hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple - it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I’m sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as me answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."
There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
"You know why Mick! Because he lives in a clock!"
Proverbs and Phrases .... 3
Failing to plan is planning to fail
Faint heart never won fair lady
Fair exchange is no robbery
Faith will move mountains
Familiarity breeds contempt
Feed a cold and starve a fever
Fight fire with fire
Finders keepers, losers weepers
Fine words butter no parsnips
First come, first served
First impressions are the most lasting
First things first
Fish always stink from the head down
Fish and guests smell after three days
Flattery will get you nowhere
Fools rush in where angels fear to tread
For want of a nail the shoe was lost; for want of a shoe the horse was lost; and for want of a horse the man was lost
Forewarned is forearmed
Forgive and forget
Fortune favours the brave
From the sublime to the ridiculous is only one step
Faint heart never won fair lady
Fair exchange is no robbery
Faith will move mountains
Familiarity breeds contempt
Feed a cold and starve a fever
Fight fire with fire
Finders keepers, losers weepers
Fine words butter no parsnips
First come, first served
First impressions are the most lasting
First things first
Fish always stink from the head down
Fish and guests smell after three days
Flattery will get you nowhere
Fools rush in where angels fear to tread
For want of a nail the shoe was lost; for want of a shoe the horse was lost; and for want of a horse the man was lost
Forewarned is forearmed
Forgive and forget
Fortune favours the brave
From the sublime to the ridiculous is only one step
Joke: Think Golf too much ?
Tim and Janice met on a singles cruise and Tim fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in neighboring cities only a few miles apart Tim was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Tim had taken Janice to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Tim became convinced that Janice was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Tim took Janice to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Tim said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.
So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
Janice took a deep breath and responded, "Tim, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."
"Oh wow! I see," Tim replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
When they discovered they lived in neighboring cities only a few miles apart Tim was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Tim had taken Janice to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Tim became convinced that Janice was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Tim took Janice to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Tim said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.
So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
Janice took a deep breath and responded, "Tim, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."
"Oh wow! I see," Tim replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Joke: Note from a mother
The teacher graded it and the child brought it home.
She returned to school the next day with the following note:
Dear Ms. Davis,
I want to be perfectly clear on my child's homework illustration.
It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint surrounded by male customers with money.
I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm.
This drawing is of me selling a shovel.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Harrington
Proverbs and Phrases .... 2
Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise
East is east, and west is west and never the twain shall meet
East, west, home's best
Easy come, easy go
Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die
Empty vessels make the most noise
Enough is as good as a feast
Enough is enough
Even a worm will turn
Every cloud has a silver lining
Every dog has his day
Every Jack has his Jill
Every little helps
Every man for himself, and the Devil take the hindmost
Every man has his price
Every picture tells a story
Every stick has two ends
Everyone wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die
Everything comes to him who waits
East is east, and west is west and never the twain shall meet
East, west, home's best
Easy come, easy go
Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die
Empty vessels make the most noise
Enough is as good as a feast
Enough is enough
Even a worm will turn
Every cloud has a silver lining
Every dog has his day
Every Jack has his Jill
Every little helps
Every man for himself, and the Devil take the hindmost
Every man has his price
Every picture tells a story
Every stick has two ends
Everyone wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die
Everything comes to him who waits
Joke: Ass Hole
Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman said, “I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job.”
The second woman responded, “Oh, that’s nothing. I'm thinking of having my a$$ hole bleached!”
“Whoa,” replied the first woman. “I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!”
The first woman said, “I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job.”
The second woman responded, “Oh, that’s nothing. I'm thinking of having my a$$ hole bleached!”
“Whoa,” replied the first woman. “I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!”
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Good Idea : Solution to end the airport security nastiness
Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports:
All we need to do is develop a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have hidden on or in your body. The explosion will be contained within the sealed booth.
This would be a win-win for everyone. There would be none of this crap about racial profiling and the device would eliminate long and expensive trials.
This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it now: you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention, standby passengers! We now have a seat available on flight number..."
All we need to do is develop a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have hidden on or in your body. The explosion will be contained within the sealed booth.
This would be a win-win for everyone. There would be none of this crap about racial profiling and the device would eliminate long and expensive trials.
This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it now: you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention, standby passengers! We now have a seat available on flight number..."
Proverbs and phrases .... 1
A cat may look at a king
A chain is only as strong as its weakest link
A change is as good as a rest
A drowning man will clutch at a straw
A fish always rots from the head down
A fool and his money are soon parted
A friend in need is a friend indeed
A golden key can open any door
A good beginning makes a good ending
A good man is hard to find
A house divided against itself cannot stand
A house is not a home
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step
A leopard cannot change its spots
A little knowledge is a dangerous thing
A little learning is a dangerous thing
A little of what you fancy does you good
A man who is his own lawyer has a fool for his client
A miss is as good as a mile
A new broom sweeps clean
A nod's as good as a wink to a blind horse
A penny saved is a penny earned
A person is known by the company he keeps
A picture paints a thousand words
A place for everything and everything in its place
A poor workman always blames his tools
A problem shared is a problem halved
A prophet is not recognized in his own land
A rising tide lifts all boats
A rolling stone gathers no moss
A soft answer turneth away wrath
A stitch in time saves nine
A swarm in May is worth a load of hay; a swarm in June is worth a silver spoon; but a swarm in July is not worth a fly
A thing of beauty is a joy forever
A trouble shared is a trouble halved
A volunteer is worth twenty pressed men
A watched pot never boils
A woman's place is in the home
A woman's work is never done
A word to the wise is enough
Absence makes the heart grow fonder
Absolute power corrupts absolutely
Accidents will happen (in the best-regulated families).
Actions speak louder than words
Adversity makes strange bedfellows
After a storm comes a calm
All good things come to he who waits
All good things must come to an end
All is grist that comes to the mill
All publicity is good publicity
All roads lead to Rome
All that glisters is not gold
All the world loves a lover
All things come to those who wait
All things must pass
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy
All you need is love
All's fair in love and war
All's for the best in the best of all possible worlds
All's well that ends well
A miss is as good as a mile
An apple a day keeps the doctor away
An army marches on its stomach
An Englishman's home is his castle
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure
Another day, another dollar
Any port in a storm
April showers bring forth May flowers
As you make your bed, so you must lie upon it
As you sow so shall you reap
Ask a silly question and you'll get a silly answer
Ask no questions and hear no lies
Attack is the best form of defence
Bad money drives out good
Bad news travels fast
Barking dogs seldom bite
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder
Beauty is only skin deep
Beggars should not be choosers
Behind every great man there's a great woman
Better late than never
Better safe than sorry
Better the Devil you know than the Devil you don't
Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all
Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool that to speak and remove all doubt
Beware of Greeks bearing gifts
Big fish eat little fish
Birds of a feather flock together
Blood is thicker than water
Boys will be boys
Brevity is the soul of wit
Business before pleasure
Caesar's wife must be above suspicion
Carpe diem (Pluck the day; Seize the day)
Charity begins at home
Cheats never prosper
Children should be seen and not heard
Cleanliness is next to godliness
Clothes make the man
Cold hands, warm heart
Comparisons are odious
Count your blessings
Cowards may die many times before their death
Crime doesn't pay
Cut your coat to suit your cloth
Dead men tell no tales
Devil take the hindmost
Discretion is the better part of valour
Distance lends enchantment to the view
Do as I say, not as I do
Do as you would be done by
Do unto others as you would have them do to you
Don't bite the hand that feeds you
Don't burn your bridges behind you
Don't cast your pearls before swine
Don't change horses in midstream
Don't count your chickens before they are hatched
Don't cross the bridge till you come to it
Don't cut off your nose to spite your face
Don't keep a dog and bark yourself
Don't let the bastards grind you down
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth
Don't meet troubles half-way
Don't put all your eggs in one basket
Don't put the cart before the horse
Don't put new wine into old bottles
Don't rock the boat
Don't spoil the ship for a ha'porth of tar
Don't throw pearls to swine
Don't teach your Grandma to suck eggs
Don't throw the baby out with the bath water
Don't try to walk before you can crawl
Don't upset the apple-cart
Don't wash your dirty linen in public
Doubt is the beginning not the end of wisdom
A chain is only as strong as its weakest link
A change is as good as a rest
A drowning man will clutch at a straw
A fish always rots from the head down
A fool and his money are soon parted
A friend in need is a friend indeed
A golden key can open any door
A good beginning makes a good ending
A good man is hard to find
A house divided against itself cannot stand
A house is not a home
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step
A leopard cannot change its spots
A little knowledge is a dangerous thing
A little learning is a dangerous thing
A little of what you fancy does you good
A man who is his own lawyer has a fool for his client
A miss is as good as a mile
A new broom sweeps clean
A nod's as good as a wink to a blind horse
A penny saved is a penny earned
A person is known by the company he keeps
A picture paints a thousand words
A place for everything and everything in its place
A poor workman always blames his tools
A problem shared is a problem halved
A prophet is not recognized in his own land
A rising tide lifts all boats
A rolling stone gathers no moss
A soft answer turneth away wrath
A stitch in time saves nine
A swarm in May is worth a load of hay; a swarm in June is worth a silver spoon; but a swarm in July is not worth a fly
A thing of beauty is a joy forever
A trouble shared is a trouble halved
A volunteer is worth twenty pressed men
A watched pot never boils
A woman's place is in the home
A woman's work is never done
A word to the wise is enough
Absence makes the heart grow fonder
Absolute power corrupts absolutely
Accidents will happen (in the best-regulated families).
Actions speak louder than words
Adversity makes strange bedfellows
After a storm comes a calm
All good things come to he who waits
All good things must come to an end
All is grist that comes to the mill
All publicity is good publicity
All roads lead to Rome
All that glisters is not gold
All the world loves a lover
All things come to those who wait
All things must pass
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy
All you need is love
All's fair in love and war
All's for the best in the best of all possible worlds
All's well that ends well
A miss is as good as a mile
An apple a day keeps the doctor away
An army marches on its stomach
An Englishman's home is his castle
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure
Another day, another dollar
Any port in a storm
April showers bring forth May flowers
As you make your bed, so you must lie upon it
As you sow so shall you reap
Ask a silly question and you'll get a silly answer
Ask no questions and hear no lies
Attack is the best form of defence
Bad money drives out good
Bad news travels fast
Barking dogs seldom bite
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder
Beauty is only skin deep
Beggars should not be choosers
Behind every great man there's a great woman
Better late than never
Better safe than sorry
Better the Devil you know than the Devil you don't
Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all
Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool that to speak and remove all doubt
Beware of Greeks bearing gifts
Big fish eat little fish
Birds of a feather flock together
Blood is thicker than water
Boys will be boys
Brevity is the soul of wit
Business before pleasure
Caesar's wife must be above suspicion
Carpe diem (Pluck the day; Seize the day)
Charity begins at home
Cheats never prosper
Children should be seen and not heard
Cleanliness is next to godliness
Clothes make the man
Cold hands, warm heart
Comparisons are odious
Count your blessings
Cowards may die many times before their death
Crime doesn't pay
Cut your coat to suit your cloth
Dead men tell no tales
Devil take the hindmost
Discretion is the better part of valour
Distance lends enchantment to the view
Do as I say, not as I do
Do as you would be done by
Do unto others as you would have them do to you
Don't bite the hand that feeds you
Don't burn your bridges behind you
Don't cast your pearls before swine
Don't change horses in midstream
Don't count your chickens before they are hatched
Don't cross the bridge till you come to it
Don't cut off your nose to spite your face
Don't keep a dog and bark yourself
Don't let the bastards grind you down
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth
Don't meet troubles half-way
Don't put all your eggs in one basket
Don't put the cart before the horse
Don't put new wine into old bottles
Don't rock the boat
Don't spoil the ship for a ha'porth of tar
Don't throw pearls to swine
Don't teach your Grandma to suck eggs
Don't throw the baby out with the bath water
Don't try to walk before you can crawl
Don't upset the apple-cart
Don't wash your dirty linen in public
Doubt is the beginning not the end of wisdom
Funny video: What About Bob
This is from one of my most favorite movies. I think I must have watched it at least 20 times.
Joke: Canada's low on oil ... yes, really !
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in Canada..
Well, there's a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for this is purely geographical.
Our Oil is located in:
ALBERTA
SASKATCHEWAN
BRITISH COLUMBIA
MANITOBA
COASTAL NEW BRUNSWICK
COASTAL NEWFOUNDLAND
However, our DIPSTICKS are located in OTTAWA
Well, there's a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for this is purely geographical.
Our Oil is located in:
ALBERTA
SASKATCHEWAN
BRITISH COLUMBIA
MANITOBA
COASTAL NEW BRUNSWICK
COASTAL NEWFOUNDLAND
However, our DIPSTICKS are located in OTTAWA
Joke:Who was Jesus?
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do
Can I get an AMEN!!
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do
Can I get an AMEN!!
Joke: Alcohol and legs
A man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine, who is sitting by herself.
Man: 'May I buy you a cocktail?'
Maxine: 'No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs.
Man: 'Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?'
Maxine: 'No, they spread!’
Man: 'May I buy you a cocktail?'
Maxine: 'No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs.
Man: 'Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?'
Maxine: 'No, they spread!’
Joke: One copy only
A young engineer who graduated with distinction, was leaving the office at 3.45 p.m. when he found the Acting CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the Acting CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."
Lesson: Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.
"Listen," said the Acting CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."
Lesson: Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.
Joke: The trouble with Catholic upbringing
As I walked down the busy sidewalk with my wife, knowing we were late for Mass, my eyes fell upon one of those unfortunate ragged vagabonds that are found in every city these days. Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight might somehow contaminate them.
Recalling how my old pastor, Father Michael, always preached for us to "care for the sick, to feed the hungry, and to clothe the naked", I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person, who was wearing something that can only be described as rags and who was carrying her worldly possessions in two plastic bags.
My heart was touched by this person's condition. Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden inner beauty, a spiritual purity.
Father Michael was right. A small voice inside my head called out, "Reach out..., reach out and touch this person!"
So I did
I don't think I'll be attending Mass for a couple of weeks
Recalling how my old pastor, Father Michael, always preached for us to "care for the sick, to feed the hungry, and to clothe the naked", I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person, who was wearing something that can only be described as rags and who was carrying her worldly possessions in two plastic bags.
My heart was touched by this person's condition. Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden inner beauty, a spiritual purity.
Father Michael was right. A small voice inside my head called out, "Reach out..., reach out and touch this person!"
So I did
I don't think I'll be attending Mass for a couple of weeks
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Joke: Dear Abby letter
I am a crack dealer in Fort Wayne, Indiana who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Merrillville and one of my sisters, who lives in South Bend, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Indianapolis. I have two brothers, one is serving a non-parole life sentence for the murder of a teenage boy in 2002. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Anderson. She is a part time "working girl". All things considered, my Problem is this. I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.
Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Barack Obama as President?
Sincerely,
Worried About My Reputation
I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Anderson. She is a part time "working girl". All things considered, my Problem is this. I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.
Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Barack Obama as President?
Sincerely,
Worried About My Reputation
Joke: The laughing man
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied,
'Well your Honor, it was like this:
when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' ... I just lost it.'
'CASE DISMISSED!!'
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied,
'Well your Honor, it was like this:
when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' ... I just lost it.'
'CASE DISMISSED!!'
Joke: Fire in London
In a run-down part of East London a fire destroyed a dilapidated four-story house that had been divided into four flats.
A Nigerian family of six Internet con artists, and full time benefit cheats' lived on the first floor... all six tragically perished in the fire.
A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor...they too, all perished in the fire.
Six Albanian, gang banger, ex-cons - all claiming political asylum and living off the state for free, occupied the 3rd floor...they too, died.
But the middle aged British Anglo-Indian couple who lived on the top floor miraculously survived the fire.
The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Human Rights Activists, Black Community Leaders and the British Islamic Council were all furious at the apparent racial inequality of the situation.
Why was just the British Anglo-Indian couple saved? It was monstrous they claimed, and showed that systemic 'racism' still existed in all areas of public service - questions were raised in the House of Commons, the popular media picked up the story and within hours it was National and indeed International news.
Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, when questioned stated calmly that it would be unwise to jump to conclusions until all of the Emergency Services had completed their report. He closed by stating that he expected their initial assessment to be available within the next 36 hours so perhaps it would be best to let the experts gather the evidence and report back before he commented any further.
The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way as to intimate that the Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out of touch with the feelings of the whole East London community!
A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together with the Home Secretary drove to the area, having demanded a meeting with the local Chief Fire Officer. They made sure that a large pack of popular Press and TVhad been briefed on the visit and so the motorcade was met by a huge gaggle of journalists, TV interviewers and cameras.
On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Black Muslims and Albanians all died in the fire and only the Anglo-Indian couple lived.
One bemused chief fire officer quietly replied...
"Because they were both at work."
A Nigerian family of six Internet con artists, and full time benefit cheats' lived on the first floor... all six tragically perished in the fire.
A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor...they too, all perished in the fire.
Six Albanian, gang banger, ex-cons - all claiming political asylum and living off the state for free, occupied the 3rd floor...they too, died.
But the middle aged British Anglo-Indian couple who lived on the top floor miraculously survived the fire.
The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Human Rights Activists, Black Community Leaders and the British Islamic Council were all furious at the apparent racial inequality of the situation.
Why was just the British Anglo-Indian couple saved? It was monstrous they claimed, and showed that systemic 'racism' still existed in all areas of public service - questions were raised in the House of Commons, the popular media picked up the story and within hours it was National and indeed International news.
Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, when questioned stated calmly that it would be unwise to jump to conclusions until all of the Emergency Services had completed their report. He closed by stating that he expected their initial assessment to be available within the next 36 hours so perhaps it would be best to let the experts gather the evidence and report back before he commented any further.
The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way as to intimate that the Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out of touch with the feelings of the whole East London community!
A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together with the Home Secretary drove to the area, having demanded a meeting with the local Chief Fire Officer. They made sure that a large pack of popular Press and TVhad been briefed on the visit and so the motorcade was met by a huge gaggle of journalists, TV interviewers and cameras.
On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Black Muslims and Albanians all died in the fire and only the Anglo-Indian couple lived.
One bemused chief fire officer quietly replied...
"Because they were both at work."
Joke: Who bested Pinocchio's long nose
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one Day.
As they walk, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."
"I am entering!" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"
" First Place !," said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign:
"Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
" First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"
They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the hell is Obama?" asked Pinocchio.
As they walk, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."
"I am entering!" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"
" First Place !," said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign:
"Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
" First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"
They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the hell is Obama?" asked Pinocchio.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Joke: When love fades
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's lovely voice from the kitchen.
"What would you like for dinner, my Love. . . Chicken, beef or lamb?"
I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."
She replied "You're having soup, asshole. I was talking to the cat."
"What would you like for dinner, my Love. . . Chicken, beef or lamb?"
I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."
She replied "You're having soup, asshole. I was talking to the cat."
Joke or not: how to determine if one is "fit" for the loony bin
It's call the Bathtub test:
During a visit to the mental hospital, I asked the Director 'How do you determine whether or not a patient should be admitted to the hospital.'
'Well,' said the Director, 'We fill up a bathtub, and then we give a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No.' Said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the drain plug.
Well... Would you prefer a bed near the window?'
During a visit to the mental hospital, I asked the Director 'How do you determine whether or not a patient should be admitted to the hospital.'
'Well,' said the Director, 'We fill up a bathtub, and then we give a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No.' Said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the drain plug.
Well... Would you prefer a bed near the window?'
Joke: IRS inspectors and how to get their goat
At the end of the tax year, the Inland Revenue office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.
While the agent was checking the books he turned to the Accountant of the Hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the Accountant. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Hospital Accountant, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Accountant.
"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Accountant. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Inland Revenue Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick!"
While the agent was checking the books he turned to the Accountant of the Hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the Accountant. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Hospital Accountant, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Accountant.
"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Accountant. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Inland Revenue Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick!"
Joke: It's a bitch to be getting old and useless
OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbor?'
The old man replied,
'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
AND SHAME ON ALL OF YOU WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A DIRTY JOKE ... as if I would ever write anything dirty. hehehe
An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbor?'
The old man replied,
'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
AND SHAME ON ALL OF YOU WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A DIRTY JOKE ... as if I would ever write anything dirty. hehehe
Joke: The story of two nuns
There were two nuns ...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most!
What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical ! Thank goodness you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty joke,
I'll pray for you !!!
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most!
What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical ! Thank goodness you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty joke,
I'll pray for you !!!
Joke: What teachers have to put up with .... 3 .....
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
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