Sunday, August 12, 2012
Courtroom, lawyers and what not .... part 4/4
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Long arm of the law
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary
tried this creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few
Trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can
Punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied.
"Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled.
With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few
Trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can
Punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied.
"Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled.
With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
That old guy from Louisiana
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large
farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
Mixed Emotions
A husband and
wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the
phenomenon of "mixed
emotions".
The husband turned to his wife and said,
"Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make
me happy and sad at the same time.
She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the
biggest pecker."
Logic is not one of Obama's strong points ... part 1
This comic strip is supposedly from an UK newspaper. This and others in the same vein came into my possession via. email from a friend.
Froggy Grandfather
A six year old goes to the hospital with her
mother to visit her Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room .......
"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog - because my mother said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney Land!
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room .......
"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog - because my mother said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney Land!
Burkhas and lacey bras .... wow !!
Senior moments
There was
a bit of confusion at the store this morning.
When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical screaming and store alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.
Obamacare cares for you ....NOT
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the
same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to
require hip surgery.
The FIRSTpatient is examined within the hour, is
x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the
following week.
TheSECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3
weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a
specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another
week and finally has his surgery is scheduled for 6 months from
then pending the review boards decision on his age and
remaining value to society.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The FIRST is a Golden Retriever taken to a vet. The
SECOND is a Senior Citizen on Obama care...
Solution to the problem: In November if Obama and his gang are reelected, it's time to have a good vet.
same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to
require hip surgery.
The FIRSTpatient is examined within the hour, is
x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the
following week.
TheSECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3
weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a
specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another
week and finally has his surgery is scheduled for 6 months from
then pending the review boards decision on his age and
remaining value to society.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The FIRST is a Golden Retriever taken to a vet. The
SECOND is a Senior Citizen on Obama care...
Solution to the problem: In November if Obama and his gang are reelected, it's time to have a good vet.
Innocent as "Innocent" can be
State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main
highway. He sees a couple in a car, with
the interior light brightly glowing. He
carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a
computer magazine. He immediately notices
a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks
to the car and gently raps on the driver's
window.
The young man lowers his window. "'Uh, yes, Officer?"The trooper asks: "What are you doing?"The young man says: "'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: "And her, what is she doing?"The young man shrugs:"Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails."Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane... And nothing obscene is happening!The trooper asks: "What's your age, young man?"The young man says: "I'm 22, sir"The trooper asks: "And her.... what's her age?"The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes..."
Courtroom, lawyers and what not ... Part 3/4
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
Nuns on barstools
Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa,
Katherine Marie, Rose Frances & Mary Kathleen went on a trip to
St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York City.
They were sight-seeing and the day was hot and humid, especially in their traditional garb. The heat and humidity made the sisters very thirsty.
The saw Patty McGuire's Pub nearby and went in for a nice long icy Cokes.
Patty had recently added special legs to his barstools, which were the talk of the fashionable eastside neighborhood. All five nuns went up to the bar and sat on the stools.
They were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley and Father McGinty entered the bar through the front door with the same intention of sipping on a nice cold drink.
They entered the pub, saw the nuns and almost had heart-attacks.
They were sight-seeing and the day was hot and humid, especially in their traditional garb. The heat and humidity made the sisters very thirsty.
The saw Patty McGuire's Pub nearby and went in for a nice long icy Cokes.
Patty had recently added special legs to his barstools, which were the talk of the fashionable eastside neighborhood. All five nuns went up to the bar and sat on the stools.
They were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley and Father McGinty entered the bar through the front door with the same intention of sipping on a nice cold drink.
They entered the pub, saw the nuns and almost had heart-attacks.
Courtroom, lawyers and what not .... Part 2/4
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
Courtroom, lawyers and what not ....... part 1/4
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are supposedly things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by
court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were
actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________