Sunday, April 1, 2012
Joke: Pray for Peace
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a brick wall.!!!!
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a brick wall.!!!!
Joke: To Screw or to ....
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1964, and Fred had a date with Peggy.
He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
'Oh, come on in!' Peggy's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
'Have a seat in the living room.
Would you like something to drink?
Lemonade? Iced tea?'
'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mum brought the iced tea.
'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.
'Oh, probably catch a film, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the Berni Inn, maybe take a walk on the beach..'
'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him.
'Really?' Fred replied, his eyebrows rising.
'Oh yes,' the mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do! Screw, again and again !!'
'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.
'Yes,' said the mother.'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'
'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternative plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hooped skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.
She greeted Fred.
'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.
Two hours later, a completely dishevelled Peggy burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
'The Twist, Mum!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen.
'The bloody dance is called the Twist !!!'
He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
'Oh, come on in!' Peggy's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
'Have a seat in the living room.
Would you like something to drink?
Lemonade? Iced tea?'
'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mum brought the iced tea.
'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.
'Oh, probably catch a film, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the Berni Inn, maybe take a walk on the beach..'
'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him.
'Really?' Fred replied, his eyebrows rising.
'Oh yes,' the mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do! Screw, again and again !!'
'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.
'Yes,' said the mother.'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'
'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternative plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hooped skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.
She greeted Fred.
'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.
Two hours later, a completely dishevelled Peggy burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
'The Twist, Mum!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen.
'The bloody dance is called the Twist !!!'
Joke: Tormented Parents
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick. So he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'Hello ? '
'Is your daddy home?' ' Yes, he's out in the garden ,' whispered the small voice. 'May I talk with him?'The child whispered, ' No .' ;
So the boss asked, 'Well, is your Mommy there?' 'Yes, she's out in the garden too '& The boss asked; 'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No .' Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?' ' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman.. '
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?' ' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child. 'Busy doing what?' ' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men. ' Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?' ' It's a helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. ' The search team just landed a helicopter ' 'A search team?' said the boss. 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle.... ' ME
'Is your daddy home?' ' Yes, he's out in the garden ,' whispered the small voice. 'May I talk with him?'The child whispered, ' No .' ;
So the boss asked, 'Well, is your Mommy there?' 'Yes, she's out in the garden too '& The boss asked; 'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No .' Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?' ' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman.. '
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?' ' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child. 'Busy doing what?' ' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men. ' Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?' ' It's a helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. ' The search team just landed a helicopter ' 'A search team?' said the boss. 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle.... ' ME
Joke: Statues and Sex (of a kind anyway)
There are two statues in a park; One of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life!!!!!!!!
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we?'
She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions . . . this time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we?'
She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions . . . this time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'
Joke: Delusional Lefty Sponger
Last night, my daughter just walked into the living room and said,
"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately. Throw out all my clothes, take away my TV, my stereo, my iPhone, and my iPod. Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or give it to Goodwill. Then sell my car, my horse, and laptop. Take my front door key away from me, throw me out of the house and rent my room out. You must disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my sisters."
Well, she didn't put it quite like that.
She actually said:
“Dad, I have decided to work for Obama's re-election campaign”.
"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately. Throw out all my clothes, take away my TV, my stereo, my iPhone, and my iPod. Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or give it to Goodwill. Then sell my car, my horse, and laptop. Take my front door key away from me, throw me out of the house and rent my room out. You must disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my sisters."
Well, she didn't put it quite like that.
She actually said:
“Dad, I have decided to work for Obama's re-election campaign”.
Joke: Lone Ranger and his horse Silver
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured By a hostile Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaimed, "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger"...
"In honor of the Buffalo Hunt, YOU will be sacrificed in three days."
"Before we kill you, I grant you three requests" "What is your FIRST request?'
The Lone Ranger said, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nodded and Silver was brought before the Lone Ranger who whispered in Silver's ear, and the horse galloped away.
Later that evening, Silver returned with A beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watched, The blonde entered the Lone Ranger's tent And spent the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admitted That he was impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, But we will still kill you in two days."
"What is your SECOND request?"
The Lone Ranger again asked to speak to his horse. Silver came to him, and he again whispered in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver took off and disappeared over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returned, This time with a voluptuous brunette, Even more attractive than the blonde.
She entered the Lone Ranger's tent And spent the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief said: "You are indeed a man of many talents,"
"But we will still kill you tomorrow." "What is your LAST request?"
The Lone Ranger responded, "I'd like to speak to my horse - alone."
The Chief was curious, but he agreed, And Silver was brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they were alone, The Lone Ranger grabbed Silver by both ears,
Looked him square in the eye and said, Listen Very Carefully! FOR...THE...LAST...TIME....
"BRING POSSE!"
The Indian Chief proclaimed, "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger"...
"In honor of the Buffalo Hunt, YOU will be sacrificed in three days."
"Before we kill you, I grant you three requests" "What is your FIRST request?'
The Lone Ranger said, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nodded and Silver was brought before the Lone Ranger who whispered in Silver's ear, and the horse galloped away.
Later that evening, Silver returned with A beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watched, The blonde entered the Lone Ranger's tent And spent the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admitted That he was impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, But we will still kill you in two days."
"What is your SECOND request?"
The Lone Ranger again asked to speak to his horse. Silver came to him, and he again whispered in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver took off and disappeared over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returned, This time with a voluptuous brunette, Even more attractive than the blonde.
She entered the Lone Ranger's tent And spent the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief said: "You are indeed a man of many talents,"
"But we will still kill you tomorrow." "What is your LAST request?"
The Lone Ranger responded, "I'd like to speak to my horse - alone."
The Chief was curious, but he agreed, And Silver was brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they were alone, The Lone Ranger grabbed Silver by both ears,
Looked him square in the eye and said, Listen Very Carefully! FOR...THE...LAST...TIME....
"BRING POSSE!"
Joke: The much married wife
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Joke: The Blonde in the Pilot seat
A blonde is flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. The pilot has a heart attack and dies.
She frantically picks up the microphone and radios, "May Day! May Day ! Help me ! Help me ! My pilot has had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly. Help me ! "
The Tower comes on: "This is the Tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just Relax. Everything will be fine ! Now give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
"O.K." says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father, Who Art in Heaven . . ."
She frantically picks up the microphone and radios, "May Day! May Day ! Help me ! Help me ! My pilot has had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly. Help me ! "
The Tower comes on: "This is the Tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just Relax. Everything will be fine ! Now give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
"O.K." says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father, Who Art in Heaven . . ."