Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Joke: Loving mother to sleepy son
MOM : Wake Up, Son. It's Time To Go To School.
SON : But Why, Mama? I Don't Want To Go To School.
MOM : Give Me Two Reasons Why You Don't Want To Go To School.
SON : One, All The Children Hate Me.
Two, All The Teachers Hate Me.
MOM : Oh! That's Not A Reason. Come On, You Have To Go To School.
SON : Give Me Two Good Reasons WHY I Should Go To School?
MOM : One, You Are FIFTY-TWO Years Old And Should Understand Your
Responsibilities.
Two, You Are The PRINCIPAL Of The School.
SON : But Why, Mama? I Don't Want To Go To School.
MOM : Give Me Two Reasons Why You Don't Want To Go To School.
SON : One, All The Children Hate Me.
Two, All The Teachers Hate Me.
MOM : Oh! That's Not A Reason. Come On, You Have To Go To School.
SON : Give Me Two Good Reasons WHY I Should Go To School?
MOM : One, You Are FIFTY-TWO Years Old And Should Understand Your
Responsibilities.
Two, You Are The PRINCIPAL Of The School.
Yearly dementia test
It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!
Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty. Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said bread, go on to Question 2.
2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.'
What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.
4 Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales.
In London, 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading , 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In Swindon , 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea , 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.\
You then arrive at Milford Haven.
Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own age? It was YOU driving the bus!!
If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.
Psst 95% of people fail most of the questions so don't worry, you are in good company !!
Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty. Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said bread, go on to Question 2.
2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.'
What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.
4 Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales.
In London, 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading , 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In Swindon , 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea , 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.\
You then arrive at Milford Haven.
Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own age? It was YOU driving the bus!!
If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.
Psst 95% of people fail most of the questions so don't worry, you are in good company !!
Humorous Signs ... II
Sign In A Bar:
'Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please do Pay In Advance.'
Sign In Driving School:
If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way.....
Behind Every Great Man,
There Is A Surprised Woman.
The Reason Men Lie:
Because women Ask too Many Questions..
Laugh And The World Laughs With You,
Snore And You sleep Alone
The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe
Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.
Sign At A Barber's Saloon In Detroit :
We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business..
Sign In A Restaurant:
All Drinking Water In This Establishment Has Been Personally Passed By The Manager
'Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please do Pay In Advance.'
Sign In Driving School:
If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way.....
Behind Every Great Man,
There Is A Surprised Woman.
The Reason Men Lie:
Because women Ask too Many Questions..
Laugh And The World Laughs With You,
Snore And You sleep Alone
The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe
Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.
Sign At A Barber's Saloon In Detroit :
We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business..
Sign In A Restaurant:
All Drinking Water In This Establishment Has Been Personally Passed By The Manager
Another Catholic joke
Miss Beatrice, The church organist, Was in her eighties And had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness And kindness.
One afternoon, the pastor Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter'
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She was admired for her sweetness And kindness.
One afternoon, the pastor Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter'
Delete ReplyReply ForwardSpamMovePrint Actions NextPrevious
Joke: Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says "Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says "Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."