Sunday, February 20, 2011
Joke: Nasty Frenchman and the Pissed-off American
An American is having breakfast in Paris one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Frenchman: 'You American folk eat the whole bread??'
American (in a bad mood): 'Of course.'
Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) 'We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states.' The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The American listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: 'Do you eat jelly with the bread??'
American: 'Of Course.'
Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling). 'We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to the states.'
After a moment of silence, The American then asks: 'Do you have sex in France?'
Frenchman: 'Why of course we do', he says with a big smirk.
American: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'
Frenchman: 'We throw them away, of course.'
American: 'We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France.'
Frenchman: 'You American folk eat the whole bread??'
American (in a bad mood): 'Of course.'
Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) 'We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states.' The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The American listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: 'Do you eat jelly with the bread??'
American: 'Of Course.'
Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling). 'We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to the states.'
After a moment of silence, The American then asks: 'Do you have sex in France?'
Frenchman: 'Why of course we do', he says with a big smirk.
American: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'
Frenchman: 'We throw them away, of course.'
American: 'We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France.'
Joke: (Warning) Racist Joke Here !!!!
Get a life, folks! If you can't take a joke, especially racist ones, this blog of mine should be given a miss. Goodbyeeee !!!!!!!!!!
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God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'
The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'
'Can you give us an example?'
'Thou shall not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested..'
So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honor thy Father and Mother.'
'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.'
Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'
'Not steal? We're not interested.'
Then He went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'
'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'
Finally, He went to the Jews and said,'I have Commandments..'
'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'
'They're free.' said the Lord
"We'll take Ten" said the Jews.
There, that hopefully offended everybody.
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God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'
The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'
'Can you give us an example?'
'Thou shall not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested..'
So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honor thy Father and Mother.'
'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.'
Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'
'Not steal? We're not interested.'
Then He went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'
'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'
Finally, He went to the Jews and said,'I have Commandments..'
'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'
'They're free.' said the Lord
"We'll take Ten" said the Jews.
There, that hopefully offended everybody.
Joke: How retirees pass their time
Well, for example, the other day, Sue my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an "a--hole" . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So Sue called him a "s--t head". He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
Joke: The wise old fisherman
A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'
He looked around and couldn't see anyone.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,'Pick me up.'
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.' Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.
The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'
He looked around and couldn't see anyone.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,'Pick me up.'
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.' Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.
The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'
Joke: Bathtub Test
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Proverbs and Phrases ...9
Nature abhors a vacuum
Necessity is the mother of invention
Needs must when the devil drives
Ne'er cast a clout till May be out
Never give a sucker an even break
Never go to bed on an argument
Never judge a book by its cover
Never let the sun go down on your anger
Never look a gift horse in the mouth
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today
Never speak ill of the dead
Never tell tales out of school
Nine tailors make a man
No man can serve two masters
No man is an island
No names, no pack-drill
No news is good news
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent
No pain, no gain
No rest for the wicked
Nothing is certain but death and taxes
Nothing succeeds like success
Nothing venture, nothing gain
Oil and water don't mix
Old soldiers never die, they just fade away
Once a thief, always a thief
Once bitten, twice shy
One good turn deserves another
One half of the world does not know how the other half lives
One hand washes the other
One man's meat is another man's poison
One might as well be hanged for a sheep as a lamb
One law for the rich and another for the poor
One swallow does not make a summer
One volunteer is worth ten pressed men
One year's seeding makes seven years weeding
Only fools and horses work
Opportunity never knocks twice at any man's door
Out of sight, out of mind
Necessity is the mother of invention
Needs must when the devil drives
Ne'er cast a clout till May be out
Never give a sucker an even break
Never go to bed on an argument
Never judge a book by its cover
Never let the sun go down on your anger
Never look a gift horse in the mouth
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today
Never speak ill of the dead
Never tell tales out of school
Nine tailors make a man
No man can serve two masters
No man is an island
No names, no pack-drill
No news is good news
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent
No pain, no gain
No rest for the wicked
Nothing is certain but death and taxes
Nothing succeeds like success
Nothing venture, nothing gain
Oil and water don't mix
Old soldiers never die, they just fade away
Once a thief, always a thief
Once bitten, twice shy
One good turn deserves another
One half of the world does not know how the other half lives
One hand washes the other
One man's meat is another man's poison
One might as well be hanged for a sheep as a lamb
One law for the rich and another for the poor
One swallow does not make a summer
One volunteer is worth ten pressed men
One year's seeding makes seven years weeding
Only fools and horses work
Opportunity never knocks twice at any man's door
Out of sight, out of mind
Useful nothings with "deep" silly meanings .... I
Mensa Words. The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by, subtracting, or changing one letter and supply a new definition. Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Proverbs and Phrases .... 8
Make hay while the sun shines
Make love not war
Man does not live by bread alone
Manners maketh man
Many a little makes a mickle
Many a mickle makes a muckle
Many a true word is spoken in jest
Many hands make light work
March comes in like a lion, and goes out like a lamb
March winds and April showers bring forth May flowers
Marriages are made in heaven
Marry in haste, repent at leisure
Might is right
Mighty oaks from little acorns grow
Misery loves company
Moderation in all things
Monday's child is fair of face,
Tuesday's child is full of grace,
Wednesday's child is full of woe,
Thursday's child has far to go,
Friday's child is loving and giving,
Saturday's child works hard for its living,
And a child that's born on the Sabbath day
Is fair and wise and good and gay.
Money doesn't grow on trees
Money is the root of all evil
Money isn't everything
Money makes the world go round
Money talks
More haste, less speed
Music has charms to soothe the savage breast
Make love not war
Man does not live by bread alone
Manners maketh man
Many a little makes a mickle
Many a mickle makes a muckle
Many a true word is spoken in jest
Many hands make light work
March comes in like a lion, and goes out like a lamb
March winds and April showers bring forth May flowers
Marriages are made in heaven
Marry in haste, repent at leisure
Might is right
Mighty oaks from little acorns grow
Misery loves company
Moderation in all things
Monday's child is fair of face,
Tuesday's child is full of grace,
Wednesday's child is full of woe,
Thursday's child has far to go,
Friday's child is loving and giving,
Saturday's child works hard for its living,
And a child that's born on the Sabbath day
Is fair and wise and good and gay.
Money doesn't grow on trees
Money is the root of all evil
Money isn't everything
Money makes the world go round
Money talks
More haste, less speed
Music has charms to soothe the savage breast
Quotable quotes .... I
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns
Useful nothings
Number 10 : Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9 : Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8 : Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .
Number 7: Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6 : Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5: Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.
Number 4 : All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3 : Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
Number 2: In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And The Number 1 : Thought Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
- - - and as someone recently said to me: "Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last long."
Number 9 : Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8 : Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .
Number 7: Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6 : Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5: Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.
Number 4 : All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3 : Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
Number 2: In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And The Number 1 : Thought Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
- - - and as someone recently said to me: "Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last long."
Joke: Why you should think before you make your wish
Two Frenchies from Canada, Boudreaux and Thibodeaux, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Boudreaux stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth..
This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Boudreaux immediately blurted out, 'Turn the entire ocean into Budweiser beer!
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into beer and the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Thibodeaux looked disgustedly at Boudreaux whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment Thibodeaux said, 'Nice going Boudreaux! ........Now we're going to have to pee in the boat.'
This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Boudreaux immediately blurted out, 'Turn the entire ocean into Budweiser beer!
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into beer and the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Thibodeaux looked disgustedly at Boudreaux whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment Thibodeaux said, 'Nice going Boudreaux! ........Now we're going to have to pee in the boat.'
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Joke: How to go bankrupt
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'
Joke: Want a sandwich?
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
Joke: Golfer gets a pass
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'
Joke: The Welfare Officer and the Welfare taker
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
And, this is rather awkward to say but, you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it."
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
And, this is rather awkward to say but, you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it."