Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Joke: Plastic Surgeon and the Knob
A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: Firstly, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'
She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: Firstly, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'
She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Joke: Auction of a dead mule
Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Toronto Star Newspaper in Toronto, Ont. and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellers, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."
Curtis & Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back.."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Co-Op grocery store and asked:
"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."
Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."
The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."
Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.
They're overseeing the Ontario Premier McGinty's Harmonization Sales Tax Plan.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellers, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."
Curtis & Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back.."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Co-Op grocery store and asked:
"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."
Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."
The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."
Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.
They're overseeing the Ontario Premier McGinty's Harmonization Sales Tax Plan.
Song: Engelbert Humperdinck in 1970 and now
Am I That Easy to Forget
Love is a Many Splendored Thing
Love is a Many Splendored Thing
Joke: Smart Blonde Joke (they are so rare) .... Frozen Crabs
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blond stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs, in New Orleans, please raise your hand.
Not one hand went up .... so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1.Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blonds aren't as dumb as most folk think.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs, in New Orleans, please raise your hand.
Not one hand went up .... so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1.Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blonds aren't as dumb as most folk think.
Joke: Hospital Regulations
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown..'
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown..'
Monday, June 21, 2010
Joke: What's the name of that flower?
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Quotations: Mother Teresa
Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat.
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Everytime you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing
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Good works are links that form a chain of love
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I want you to be concerned about your next door neighbor. Do you know your next door neighbor?
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Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.
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Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.
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One of the greatest diseases is to be nobody to anybody
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Everytime you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing
---
Good works are links that form a chain of love
----
I want you to be concerned about your next door neighbor. Do you know your next door neighbor?
-----
Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.
---
Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.
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One of the greatest diseases is to be nobody to anybody
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Cartoon: Maxine with the guy who created the loudmouth we all love
A guy behind the Maxine cartoons?!!! Yes. The cartoonist grew up with lots of female relatives and they must have been a humorous lot, all of them.
Joke: Told ya kids were horrid !!!
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.'It's not polite.'
'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'
'Now really,' the mother says,'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
'Well,' says the friend,'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'
Later that night the little girl says to her mother,'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks,'How did you find that out?
'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'
'Because you got an F in sex.'
' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.'It's not polite.'
'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'
'Now really,' the mother says,'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
'Well,' says the friend,'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'
Later that night the little girl says to her mother,'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks,'How did you find that out?
'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'
'Because you got an F in sex.'
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Joke: Boss and the Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..
Cartoons: Obama's madness is a scourge on Arizona
Funny: The truth about a Woman's friends
Women have lousy friends, Men have better ones
Friendship between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at her girlfriend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them knew about it.
Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over,
and two claimed that he was still there.
Friendship between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at her girlfriend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them knew about it.
Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over,
and two claimed that he was still there.
Joke: English Lesson
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is a powerful medicine, and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is a powerful medicine, and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
Funny: Some more silly sayings
1... Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
2... Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
3.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing...
4...Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
5... NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
6.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
7... The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
8... Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
9... Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
2... Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
3.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing...
4...Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
5... NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
6.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
7... The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
8... Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
9... Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Quotations: Margaret Thatcher
Democratic nations must try to find ways to starve the terrorist and the hijacker of the oxygen of publicity on which they depend.
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Disciplining yourself to do what you know is right and important, although difficult, is the highroad to pride, self-esteem, and personal satisfaction.
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I always cheer up immensely if an attack is particularly wounding because I think, well, if they attack one personally, it means they have not a single political argument left.
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I am in politics because of the conflict between good and evil, and I believe that in the end good will triumph.
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I owe nothing to Women's Lib.
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If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman
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One of the things being in politics has taught me is that men are not a reasoned or reasonable sex.
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Disciplining yourself to do what you know is right and important, although difficult, is the highroad to pride, self-esteem, and personal satisfaction.
-------
I always cheer up immensely if an attack is particularly wounding because I think, well, if they attack one personally, it means they have not a single political argument left.
-----
I am in politics because of the conflict between good and evil, and I believe that in the end good will triumph.
-----
I owe nothing to Women's Lib.
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If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman
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One of the things being in politics has taught me is that men are not a reasoned or reasonable sex.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Joke: The Cowboy and the "know it all" guy
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Alberta when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes,RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer,turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves..."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Liberal Member of Parliament", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes,RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer,turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves..."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Liberal Member of Parliament", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog.
Quotations: Golda Meir
Women's Liberation is just a lot of foolishness. It's the men who are discriminated against. They can't bear children. And no one's likely to do anything about that.
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Old age is like flying through a storm. Once you're aboard, there's nothing you can do.
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We do not rejoice in victories. We rejoice when a new kind of cotton is grown and when strawberries bloom in Israel.
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To be successful, a woman has to be much better at her job than a man.
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A leader who doesn't hesitate before he sends his nation into battle is not fit to be a leader.
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We Jews have a secret weapon in our struggle with the Arabs; we have no place to go.
------
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Old age is like flying through a storm. Once you're aboard, there's nothing you can do.
-------
We do not rejoice in victories. We rejoice when a new kind of cotton is grown and when strawberries bloom in Israel.
---------
To be successful, a woman has to be much better at her job than a man.
-------
A leader who doesn't hesitate before he sends his nation into battle is not fit to be a leader.
-------
We Jews have a secret weapon in our struggle with the Arabs; we have no place to go.
------
Joke: Blind Cowboy and the Blondes in the Bar
A blind cowboy ambles into a bar, sits at the counter and orders a whiskey. After sitting there for a while quietly sipping his drink, he asks the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl, 200 pounds and a former roller derby blocker.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl, 200 pounds and a former roller derby blocker.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Joke: Two Blondes and Holes
Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Joke: However, this is the reality these days.... Senior citizen's healthcare
So you're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home available for you - what do you do?
Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 MPs and 2 Ministers not necessarily dead!
Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, and all the health care you need! New teeth - no problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered. (And your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now).
And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that you they cannot afford for you to go into a home.
Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.
IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?
Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 MPs and 2 Ministers not necessarily dead!
Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, and all the health care you need! New teeth - no problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered. (And your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now).
And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that you they cannot afford for you to go into a home.
Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.
IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?
Joke: Actually this is more like the reality these days .... City Laws
I just applied for a building permit for a new house.
It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide with 9 turrets at various heights and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system.
It would have parking for 200 cars, and I was going to paint it snot green.
The Town council told me to f... off.
So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a Mosque.
Work starts on Monday.
It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide with 9 turrets at various heights and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system.
It would have parking for 200 cars, and I was going to paint it snot green.
The Town council told me to f... off.
So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a Mosque.
Work starts on Monday.
Question Time: Ever wondered about these?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast?
Why does grass grow where you do not want it and not grow where you do?
Why do we say we slept like a baby when they wake up every two hours?
Why do we pay to get to the top of tall buildings, then pay to use binoculars to look at things on the ground?
If a deaf person goes to court, do they call it a hearing?
Why does grass grow where you do not want it and not grow where you do?
Why do we say we slept like a baby when they wake up every two hours?
Why do we pay to get to the top of tall buildings, then pay to use binoculars to look at things on the ground?
If a deaf person goes to court, do they call it a hearing?
Words and Puns
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Joke: Long Lost Daughter?
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at her.
The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: “What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!
In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid …………
“Got stoned once and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."
.
Joke: Farmer and sperm costs
A Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad home?"
"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
"Is your Dad home?"
"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Joke: How Canada helps when Pakistan needs it
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits Pakistan. Two million Pakistanis died and over a million injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock. The USA is sending troops to help. Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Latin American countries are sending supplies. New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops. The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure. Australia is sending medical teams and supplies.
Canadians, not to be outdone, are sending two million replacement Pakistanis.
God Bless Canadian generosity!
The rest of the world is in shock. The USA is sending troops to help. Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Latin American countries are sending supplies. New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops. The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure. Australia is sending medical teams and supplies.
Canadians, not to be outdone, are sending two million replacement Pakistanis.
God Bless Canadian generosity!
Joke: How to treat your Ma-in-Law
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!
The cab driver hit a parked car.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!
The cab driver hit a parked car.
Joke: Fat Ass
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.
I told them to kiss my ass!
Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!
.
I told them to kiss my ass!
Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!
.
Poem: A Piece of Nature
One more published poem of yours truly.
To this my tiny little abode,
I trudge my work-worn body home;
For a semblance of sensibility
And my rocking chair.
Here in the midst of confusion;
I close the shutters on my eyes,
And visualize;
A vibrant, blue sky
And tall, stately pine trees
Where the rich, brown earth beneath,
Has cradled the fallen leaves.
Where an atmosphere heavy with
Mystical aromas of exotic flowers
Linger in my nostrils and pierce
Through the fabric of my physique.
I picture my form on green grass;
Supine and looking up,
At the universe going round me;
And I, like the prodigal son,
Forgiven by his father,
Can breathe again.
But only for a while
Because tomorrow will mean another
Machines-dependent, paper shuffling day.
To this my tiny little abode,
I trudge my work-worn body home;
For a semblance of sensibility
And my rocking chair.
Here in the midst of confusion;
I close the shutters on my eyes,
And visualize;
A vibrant, blue sky
And tall, stately pine trees
Where the rich, brown earth beneath,
Has cradled the fallen leaves.
Where an atmosphere heavy with
Mystical aromas of exotic flowers
Linger in my nostrils and pierce
Through the fabric of my physique.
I picture my form on green grass;
Supine and looking up,
At the universe going round me;
And I, like the prodigal son,
Forgiven by his father,
Can breathe again.
But only for a while
Because tomorrow will mean another
Machines-dependent, paper shuffling day.
Joke: Licenced Psychiatrist v/s a Licenced Bartender
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.
So I went to a shrink and told him . . . 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'
'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the Doctor..
'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'
.
So I went to a shrink and told him . . . 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'
'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the Doctor..
'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'
.
Village in Afghanistan - Part I
If Osama bin Laden is hiding out in one of these type of villages, then what are the chances of finding him?
Monday, June 7, 2010
Joke: How three can travel for the price of one and....
Three Southerners and three Yankees are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Yankees each buy a train ticket and watch as the three Southerners buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Yankee.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Southerners.
They all board the train. The Yankees take their respective seats but all three Southerners cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Yankees see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Yankees decide to copy the Southerners on the return trip and save some money (being tight with money, and all that).
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Southerners don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Yankee.
"Watch and you'll see," answers a Southerner.
When they board the train, the three Yankees cram into a restroom and the three Southerners cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the Southerners leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Yankees are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Southerners.
They all board the train. The Yankees take their respective seats but all three Southerners cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Yankees see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Yankees decide to copy the Southerners on the return trip and save some money (being tight with money, and all that).
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Southerners don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Yankee.
"Watch and you'll see," answers a Southerner.
When they board the train, the three Yankees cram into a restroom and the three Southerners cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the Southerners leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Yankees are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."
Joke: Clever Doggie
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.
So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.
But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says..................
"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.
But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says..................
"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
Joke: Over-enthusiatic Preacher
A young minister was asked by a funeral director friend of his to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.
He was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, he did not ask for directions. He finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.
He apologized to the workers for being late. As he looked into the open grave, he saw the vault lid already in place so he told the workers he would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.
The young preacher poured out my heart and soul as he preached. The workers joined in with, "Praise the Lord," "Amen," and "Glory!" He got so into the service that he preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.
When the service was over, he said a prayer and walked to his car. As he opened the door, he heard one of the workers say:
"I never saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for twenty years."
,
He was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, he did not ask for directions. He finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.
He apologized to the workers for being late. As he looked into the open grave, he saw the vault lid already in place so he told the workers he would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.
The young preacher poured out my heart and soul as he preached. The workers joined in with, "Praise the Lord," "Amen," and "Glory!" He got so into the service that he preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.
When the service was over, he said a prayer and walked to his car. As he opened the door, he heard one of the workers say:
"I never saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for twenty years."
,
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Poem: Reminisce
Here's another published poem of mine.
There was a time when I was young
Decades, decades back.
Head full of jet black hair,
And tremendous knack,
For everything slow and slack.
Youth has passed whisperingly by
Like Rip Van Winkle's nod,
Squandered my tender years,
In daydreams of grandeur
Wishing on falling stars,
Living a life of farce.
If I could thumb a ride back,
In a Time Machine,
Deliver I would myself
from those past sins,
And arrive again at this mellow phrase,
with no regrets
There was a time when I was young
Decades, decades back.
Head full of jet black hair,
And tremendous knack,
For everything slow and slack.
Youth has passed whisperingly by
Like Rip Van Winkle's nod,
Squandered my tender years,
In daydreams of grandeur
Wishing on falling stars,
Living a life of farce.
If I could thumb a ride back,
In a Time Machine,
Deliver I would myself
from those past sins,
And arrive again at this mellow phrase,
with no regrets
Friday, June 4, 2010
Song: We Con the World ... about the Flotilla of Terrorists
I stand with Israel. Stood for Israel in the past, will stand for Israel now and always. Long Live Israel
Joke: Ideal Husbands at every corner
While creating the earth, it is believed that God promised all women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world ............. and then He goes and makes the earth .............
R O U N D
.
R O U N D
.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Poem: Song of Winter
Another work of moi published some years ago,
Seasons come and seasons go,
Love thrives but for a while,
And only hope for its survival
Lingers on.
So said the disenchanted ones,
But I thought them wrong.
Thought our love special andwould continue to continue
And winter would never come.
Remember the times we held hands,
And our entwined fingers
spoke a language grand.
Remember the times you held my face,
And your eyes plunged into the depths of mine,
Remember our first kisses,
Breathless and heady,
And our oneness with nature,
so meant to be.
So soon - - it's uncanny,
Wasn't it just last June
In the heat of love's summer;
We promised each other the moon.
Cheap words and cheaper deeds,
Cause for regrets deep.
Sadly now we sing the last refrains
Of our song of winter
Seasons come and seasons go,
Love thrives but for a while,
And only hope for its survival
Lingers on.
So said the disenchanted ones,
But I thought them wrong.
Thought our love special andwould continue to continue
And winter would never come.
Remember the times we held hands,
And our entwined fingers
spoke a language grand.
Remember the times you held my face,
And your eyes plunged into the depths of mine,
Remember our first kisses,
Breathless and heady,
And our oneness with nature,
so meant to be.
So soon - - it's uncanny,
Wasn't it just last June
In the heat of love's summer;
We promised each other the moon.
Cheap words and cheaper deeds,
Cause for regrets deep.
Sadly now we sing the last refrains
Of our song of winter
Joke: The Professor and the "Ghost" Story
A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?' He asks
Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says:
'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks,
'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
Ahmed replied, "Oh shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?' He asks
Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says:
'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks,
'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
Ahmed replied, "Oh shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
Questions: Have you ever thought of these?
Keep wondering!!!
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress
Funny Pics: More Muzzie Madness
There's nothing and nobody funnier than the nonsense we see and hear from the Muslim segment of our society. NOTHING.