Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Joke: Loving mother to sleepy son
MOM : Wake Up, Son. It's Time To Go To School.
SON : But Why, Mama? I Don't Want To Go To School.
MOM : Give Me Two Reasons Why You Don't Want To Go To School.
SON : One, All The Children Hate Me.
Two, All The Teachers Hate Me.
MOM : Oh! That's Not A Reason. Come On, You Have To Go To School.
SON : Give Me Two Good Reasons WHY I Should Go To School?
MOM : One, You Are FIFTY-TWO Years Old And Should Understand Your
Responsibilities.
Two, You Are The PRINCIPAL Of The School.
SON : But Why, Mama? I Don't Want To Go To School.
MOM : Give Me Two Reasons Why You Don't Want To Go To School.
SON : One, All The Children Hate Me.
Two, All The Teachers Hate Me.
MOM : Oh! That's Not A Reason. Come On, You Have To Go To School.
SON : Give Me Two Good Reasons WHY I Should Go To School?
MOM : One, You Are FIFTY-TWO Years Old And Should Understand Your
Responsibilities.
Two, You Are The PRINCIPAL Of The School.
Yearly dementia test
It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!
Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty. Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said bread, go on to Question 2.
2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.'
What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.
4 Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales.
In London, 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading , 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In Swindon , 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea , 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.\
You then arrive at Milford Haven.
Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own age? It was YOU driving the bus!!
If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.
Psst 95% of people fail most of the questions so don't worry, you are in good company !!
Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty. Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said bread, go on to Question 2.
2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.'
What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.
4 Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales.
In London, 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading , 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In Swindon , 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea , 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.\
You then arrive at Milford Haven.
Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own age? It was YOU driving the bus!!
If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.
Psst 95% of people fail most of the questions so don't worry, you are in good company !!
Humorous Signs ... II
Sign In A Bar:
'Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please do Pay In Advance.'
Sign In Driving School:
If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way.....
Behind Every Great Man,
There Is A Surprised Woman.
The Reason Men Lie:
Because women Ask too Many Questions..
Laugh And The World Laughs With You,
Snore And You sleep Alone
The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe
Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.
Sign At A Barber's Saloon In Detroit :
We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business..
Sign In A Restaurant:
All Drinking Water In This Establishment Has Been Personally Passed By The Manager
'Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please do Pay In Advance.'
Sign In Driving School:
If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way.....
Behind Every Great Man,
There Is A Surprised Woman.
The Reason Men Lie:
Because women Ask too Many Questions..
Laugh And The World Laughs With You,
Snore And You sleep Alone
The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe
Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.
Sign At A Barber's Saloon In Detroit :
We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business..
Sign In A Restaurant:
All Drinking Water In This Establishment Has Been Personally Passed By The Manager
Another Catholic joke
Miss Beatrice, The church organist, Was in her eighties And had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness And kindness.
One afternoon, the pastor Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter'
Delete ReplyReply ForwardSpamMovePrint Actions NextPrevious
She was admired for her sweetness And kindness.
One afternoon, the pastor Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter'
Delete ReplyReply ForwardSpamMovePrint Actions NextPrevious
Joke: Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says "Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says "Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Humorous Signs ..... I
Advertisement In A Long Island Shop:
Guitar, for sale........ Cheap....... . .......no strings attached.
Ad In Hospital Waiting Room:
Smoking Helps You Lose Weight ... One Lung At A Time!
On a bulletin board:
Success Is Relative. The more The Success, The more The Relatives.
When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking...
I Gave Up Reading
My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses....
He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.
Guitar, for sale........ Cheap....... . .......no strings attached.
Ad In Hospital Waiting Room:
Smoking Helps You Lose Weight ... One Lung At A Time!
On a bulletin board:
Success Is Relative. The more The Success, The more The Relatives.
When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking...
I Gave Up Reading
My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses....
He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.
Don't waste the opportunity
"You never want a serious crisis to go to waste. And what I mean by that is an opportunity to do things you think you could not do before." Rahm Emanuel
Wanna hire this guy ?
Manager asked at an interview.
Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?
Reply: -P-O-S-T-B-O- X.
What is your birth date?
Reply: 13th October
Which year?
Reply: Every year
Interviewer: Just imagine you are on the3rd floor and it catches fire. How will you escape?
Reply: Its simple. I will stop imagining !
Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?
Reply: -P-O-S-T-B-O- X.
What is your birth date?
Reply: 13th October
Which year?
Reply: Every year
Interviewer: Just imagine you are on the3rd floor and it catches fire. How will you escape?
Reply: Its simple. I will stop imagining !
Parrot with a defect
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It didn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."
Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."
Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
The Priest and the Jungle Chief
A priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives, when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The Chief replied "My Bike".
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The Chief replied "My Bike".
Before and After .... Iranian babes
In the time of the Shah and before the islamic revolution.
After:
The same fate awaits Egypt, Libya and Syria.
Quotable quotes from Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh ....... Part I
These quotes are attributed to Prince Philip long before the disease of "political correctness" descended on Earth and made us all dumb and dull.
1. "How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test?" To a driving instructor in Scotland.
2. "If you stay here much longer, you'll all be slitty-eyed." To a group of British students in China in 1986.
3. "Do you still throw spears at each other?" To indigenous leader William Brin during a visit to the Aboriginal Cultural Park in Queensland, 2002.
4. "You look like you're ready for bed!" To the President of Nigeria, who was wearing traditional robes.
5. "If it has four legs and is not a chair, has wings and is not an aeroplane, or swims and is not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it." To a World Wildlife Fund meeting in 1986.
6. "You managed not to get eaten then?" To a British student trekking in Papua New Guinea in 1998.
7. "Aren't most of you descended from pirates?" To an inhabitant of the Cayman Islands.
8. "You are a woman, aren't you?" To a Kenyan woman in 1984 after she gave him a present
9. "Do you know they're now producing eating dogs for the anorexics?" To a blind, wheelchair-bound woman who was with her guide dog.
10. "It looks as though it was put in by an Indian." Prince's verdict on a fuse box he noticed during a tour of a Scottish factory in 1999.
1. "How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test?" To a driving instructor in Scotland.
2. "If you stay here much longer, you'll all be slitty-eyed." To a group of British students in China in 1986.
3. "Do you still throw spears at each other?" To indigenous leader William Brin during a visit to the Aboriginal Cultural Park in Queensland, 2002.
4. "You look like you're ready for bed!" To the President of Nigeria, who was wearing traditional robes.
5. "If it has four legs and is not a chair, has wings and is not an aeroplane, or swims and is not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it." To a World Wildlife Fund meeting in 1986.
6. "You managed not to get eaten then?" To a British student trekking in Papua New Guinea in 1998.
7. "Aren't most of you descended from pirates?" To an inhabitant of the Cayman Islands.
8. "You are a woman, aren't you?" To a Kenyan woman in 1984 after she gave him a present
9. "Do you know they're now producing eating dogs for the anorexics?" To a blind, wheelchair-bound woman who was with her guide dog.
10. "It looks as though it was put in by an Indian." Prince's verdict on a fuse box he noticed during a tour of a Scottish factory in 1999.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Fun in the office .... Part II
Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.
Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.
Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."
Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.
Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.
Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."
Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
Funny Headlines ... did they really mean that? ... Part 5
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Air Head Fired
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Deer Kill 17,000
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
War Dims Hope for Peace
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Air Head Fired
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Deer Kill 17,000
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
War Dims Hope for Peace
Funny Headlines ... did they really mean that? .... Part 4
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Funny Headlines ... did they really mean that? ... Part 3
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Eye Drops off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Eye Drops off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Funny Church bulletins and messages .... part 3
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
————————–
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
————————–
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
————————-
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
————————–
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
————————–
The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.
————————–
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
————————–
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
————————-
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
————————–
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
————————–
The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.
Funny Church Bulletins and messages .... part 2
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Joke: Three words and the Mexican
A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now."
The mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!"
The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence".
The Mexican man of course agrees.
The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence."
The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?"
The mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!"
The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence".
The Mexican man of course agrees.
The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence."
The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?"
Joke; Friendly enemies ?
Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too."
Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab other picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York.
As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples..... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"
"No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too."
Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab other picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York.
As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples..... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"
Joke: The Texan and the Toronto cabbie
A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver "What's that building there?" "That's the Royal York Hotel" replied the cabbie. "The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About 12 years" replied the cabbie.
"12 years? We build 'em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months."
A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. "What's that building over there?" asked the Texan. "That's the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre" replied the cabbie. "Convention Centre? How long'd it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About three years" replied the cabbie. "Three years? We build 'em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us about two weeks."
Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower. "What's that building there?" asks the Texan, pointing at the tower. "Danged if I know" replied the cabbie, "It wasn't here when I drove by yesterday."
"12 years? We build 'em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months."
A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. "What's that building over there?" asked the Texan. "That's the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre" replied the cabbie. "Convention Centre? How long'd it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About three years" replied the cabbie. "Three years? We build 'em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us about two weeks."
Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower. "What's that building there?" asks the Texan, pointing at the tower. "Danged if I know" replied the cabbie, "It wasn't here when I drove by yesterday."
No Joke .... true stories
Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off the truck. They panicked and fled, leaving the chain still attached to the machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and their license plate still attached to the bumper.
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A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didn't know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did - backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.
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Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was sentenced to four years in jail.
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A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didn't know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did - backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.
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Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was sentenced to four years in jail.
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Joke: A question for God
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.
"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".
"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"
GOD says, "So you would like them."
"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"
"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.
The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"
GOD says, "So they would love you
"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".
"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"
GOD says, "So you would like them."
"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"
"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.
The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"
GOD says, "So they would love you
Have fun in the office ... Part I
Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
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Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.
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Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha."
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Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
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Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.
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While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.
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Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
*****************************************************************************
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Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.
-------
Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha."
--------
Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
--------
Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.
--------
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.
--------
Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
*****************************************************************************
Funny Headlines ... did they really mean that? .... part 2
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Include your Children when Baking Cookies
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Include your Children when Baking Cookies
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Funny Headlines ... did they really mean that ?! ............ Part 1
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Funny Church Bulletins and messages
1) Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
2) The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
3) The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’
4) Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around
the house. Bring your husbands.
5) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say
‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
6) Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
7) Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
8) For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
9) Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
10) Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that
began in their school days.
2) The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
3) The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’
4) Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around
the house. Bring your husbands.
5) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say
‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
6) Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
7) Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
8) For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
9) Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
10) Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that
began in their school days.
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