Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Joke: Golfer gets a pass
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'
Joke: The Welfare Officer and the Welfare taker
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
And, this is rather awkward to say but, you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it."
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
And, this is rather awkward to say but, you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it."
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Joke: Handsome is he who handsome does .... NOT
"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.
With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.
Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.
The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion
"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."
The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.
"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."
The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."
So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine.
He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents ...
"Well," explained the Redneck... "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell ...pregnant when you met her."
With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.
Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.
The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion
"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."
The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.
"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."
The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."
So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine.
He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents ...
"Well," explained the Redneck... "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell ...pregnant when you met her."
Aphorisms : Wise and clever observations .... 2
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4AM: It could be a right number.
13. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team's winning.
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is not everybody has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize in about 40 years we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)
18. Money can't buy happiness - but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than in a Kia.
19. After 70 if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4AM: It could be a right number.
13. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team's winning.
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is not everybody has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize in about 40 years we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)
18. Money can't buy happiness - but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than in a Kia.
19. After 70 if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead
Joke: Just one more blonde joke..... heheh
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Proverbs and Phrases ....... 7
Jack of all trades, master of none
Judge not, that ye be not judged
Keep your chin up
Keep your powder dry
Laugh and the world laughs with you, weep and you weep alone
Laughter is the best medicine
Least said, soonest mended
Less is more
Let bygones be bygones
Let not the sun go down on your wrath
Let sleeping dogs lie
Let the buyer beware
Let the dead bury the dead
Let the punishment fit the crime
Let well alone
Life begins at forty
Life is just a bowl of cherries
Life is what you make it
Life's not all beer and skittles
Lightning never strikes twice in the same place
Like father, like son
Little pitchers have big ears
Little strokes fell great oaks
Little things please little minds
Live for today for tomorrow never comes
Look before you leap
Love is blind
Love makes the world go round
Love thy neighbour as thyself
Love will find a way
Judge not, that ye be not judged
Keep your chin up
Keep your powder dry
Laugh and the world laughs with you, weep and you weep alone
Laughter is the best medicine
Least said, soonest mended
Less is more
Let bygones be bygones
Let not the sun go down on your wrath
Let sleeping dogs lie
Let the buyer beware
Let the dead bury the dead
Let the punishment fit the crime
Let well alone
Life begins at forty
Life is just a bowl of cherries
Life is what you make it
Life's not all beer and skittles
Lightning never strikes twice in the same place
Like father, like son
Little pitchers have big ears
Little strokes fell great oaks
Little things please little minds
Live for today for tomorrow never comes
Look before you leap
Love is blind
Love makes the world go round
Love thy neighbour as thyself
Love will find a way
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Aphorisms .... wise and clever observations .... 1
1. The nicest thing about the future is it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that, at class reunions, you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who anxiously awaits his 16th birthday.
2. Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that, at class reunions, you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who anxiously awaits his 16th birthday.
Joke: Bastard
A 20-year old pretty, sexy and sensual girl went to see a psychiatrist.
'Doctor, I'm so angry at my boyfriend that I must call him Bastard. I feel that he's gone too far, and he deserves it.'
'Hmm? Such a word is strong and rude. But may be you have your own reasons. Tell me about it so that I can help you.'
'Yes, thank you, Doctor. There was one night....we parked our car besides the beach and we were alone... And... He held my hand....'
'Did he hold your hand like this?'
'Yes, Doctor. Exactly like how you're holding it now'
'If it's only this, he doesn't deserve to be called Bastard. It means he doesn't want to be separated from you.'
'Then, he leaned his body towards me... And hugged me...'
'Like this?'
'Yes, Doctor. Exactly like how you're doing.'
'He's not a Bastard. It means he wanna stay forever by your side'
'Then he kissed me...'
'Like this?'
'Yes, Doctor. Exactly like how you're kissing me.'
'If its only a kiss like this, seriously you can't call him Bastard.It means he adores you.'
'Then he put his hands inside my clothes and touched my boobs, Doc...'
'Like this?'
'Yes, Doctor... Exactly like that'
'It's not behavior of a bastard. It means he wants to protect you.'
'Then he took off all my clothes... Slowly... '
'Did you resist?'
'No. I let him do it, coz I love him...'
'Did he take off your clothes like this?'
'Yes, Doctor. Until I'm completely naked like now......'
'He still doesn't deserve to be called 'Bastard, because it means he
Wanna learn about your body completely.'
'Then he kissed me and put his.... Inside me and had sex with me...'
'Did he do it just like what we do?'
'Yes, Doctor. Exactly the same'
'You still can't call him Bastard. It means he needs you.'
'But then he told me that he has AIDS'
All the staff and patients outside heard the doctor screaming
'BASTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRD!'
'Doctor, I'm so angry at my boyfriend that I must call him Bastard. I feel that he's gone too far, and he deserves it.'
'Hmm? Such a word is strong and rude. But may be you have your own reasons. Tell me about it so that I can help you.'
'Yes, thank you, Doctor. There was one night....we parked our car besides the beach and we were alone... And... He held my hand....'
'Did he hold your hand like this?'
'Yes, Doctor. Exactly like how you're holding it now'
'If it's only this, he doesn't deserve to be called Bastard. It means he doesn't want to be separated from you.'
'Then, he leaned his body towards me... And hugged me...'
'Like this?'
'Yes, Doctor. Exactly like how you're doing.'
'He's not a Bastard. It means he wanna stay forever by your side'
'Then he kissed me...'
'Like this?'
'Yes, Doctor. Exactly like how you're kissing me.'
'If its only a kiss like this, seriously you can't call him Bastard.It means he adores you.'
'Then he put his hands inside my clothes and touched my boobs, Doc...'
'Like this?'
'Yes, Doctor... Exactly like that'
'It's not behavior of a bastard. It means he wants to protect you.'
'Then he took off all my clothes... Slowly... '
'Did you resist?'
'No. I let him do it, coz I love him...'
'Did he take off your clothes like this?'
'Yes, Doctor. Until I'm completely naked like now......'
'He still doesn't deserve to be called 'Bastard, because it means he
Wanna learn about your body completely.'
'Then he kissed me and put his.... Inside me and had sex with me...'
'Did he do it just like what we do?'
'Yes, Doctor. Exactly the same'
'You still can't call him Bastard. It means he needs you.'
'But then he told me that he has AIDS'
All the staff and patients outside heard the doctor screaming
'BASTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRD!'
Joke: Depressed ? Suicidal ?
Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."
Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."
Today, Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!
I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . . . I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English.
I was connected to a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck......
Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."
Today, Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!
I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . . . I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English.
I was connected to a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck......
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Joke: Who would like to sleep with Brad Pitt?
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?'
The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a Million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'
So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'
The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'
The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million Bucks would buy?'
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The boy replied, 'Yes, ‘Potentially’, you and I are sitting on Three million dollars.
But ‘realistically’, we're just living with two hookers and a queer.
The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a Million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'
So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'
The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'
The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million Bucks would buy?'
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The boy replied, 'Yes, ‘Potentially’, you and I are sitting on Three million dollars.
But ‘realistically’, we're just living with two hookers and a queer.
Proverbs and Phrases .......6
If anything can go wrong, it will
If a job is worth doing it is worth doing well
If at first you don't succeed try, try and try again
If God had meant us to fly he'd have given us wings
If ifs and ands were pots and pans there'd be no work for tinkers
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade
If the cap fits, wear it
If the mountain won't come to Mohammed, then Mohammed must go to the mountain
If wishes were horses, beggars would ride
If you can't be good, be careful
If you can't beat em, join em
If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen
If you lie down with dogs, you will get up with fleas
If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys
If you want a thing done well, do it yourself
Ignorance is bliss
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery
In for a penny, in for a pound
In the kingdom of the blind the one eyed man is king
In the midst of life we are in death
Into every life a little rain must fall
It ain't over till the fat lady sings
It goes without saying
It is best to be on the safe side
It is better to give than to receive
It is easy to be wise after the event
It never rains but it pours
It takes a thief to catch a thief
It takes all sorts to make a world
It takes one to know one
It takes two to tango
It's all grist to the mill
It's an ill wind that blows no one any good
It's better to give than to receive
It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all
It's better to light a candle than curse the darkness
It's better to travel hopefully than to arrive
It's never too late
It's no use crying over spilt milk
It's no use locking the stable door after the horse has bolted
It's the early bird that catches the worm
It's the empty can that makes the most noise
It's the squeaky wheel that gets the grease
If a job is worth doing it is worth doing well
If at first you don't succeed try, try and try again
If God had meant us to fly he'd have given us wings
If ifs and ands were pots and pans there'd be no work for tinkers
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade
If the cap fits, wear it
If the mountain won't come to Mohammed, then Mohammed must go to the mountain
If wishes were horses, beggars would ride
If you can't be good, be careful
If you can't beat em, join em
If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen
If you lie down with dogs, you will get up with fleas
If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys
If you want a thing done well, do it yourself
Ignorance is bliss
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery
In for a penny, in for a pound
In the kingdom of the blind the one eyed man is king
In the midst of life we are in death
Into every life a little rain must fall
It ain't over till the fat lady sings
It goes without saying
It is best to be on the safe side
It is better to give than to receive
It is easy to be wise after the event
It never rains but it pours
It takes a thief to catch a thief
It takes all sorts to make a world
It takes one to know one
It takes two to tango
It's all grist to the mill
It's an ill wind that blows no one any good
It's better to give than to receive
It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all
It's better to light a candle than curse the darkness
It's better to travel hopefully than to arrive
It's never too late
It's no use crying over spilt milk
It's no use locking the stable door after the horse has bolted
It's the early bird that catches the worm
It's the empty can that makes the most noise
It's the squeaky wheel that gets the grease
Friday, January 7, 2011
Funny video: Christian terrorists
From the movie "An American Carol" starring Kevin Farley and Kelsey Grammer
Funny scary story
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe....as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.
An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts:
"Master, Master!.....The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
(I am soooooo sorry.....but you really should've seen that one coming!!)
I know you are considering never visiting my blog ever again. heheheh!!
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.
An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts:
"Master, Master!.....The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
(I am soooooo sorry.....but you really should've seen that one coming!!)
I know you are considering never visiting my blog ever again. heheheh!!
Joke: Maxine takes up a job that lasted less than a day
So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day....
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?'
So I replied,
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Jokes about Men not ever winning battles against women
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
-----------
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws
.................
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
-----------
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws
.................
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Proverbs and Phrases ......... 4
Genius is an infinite capacity for taking pains
Genius is one percent inspiration, ninety-nine percent perspiration
Give a dog a bad name and hang him
Give a man rope enough and he will hang himself
Give credit where credit is due
God helps those who help themselves
Good fences make good neighbours
Good talk saves the food
Good things come to those who wait
Great minds think alike
Half a loaf is better than no bread
Handsome is as handsome does
Hard cases make bad law
Hard work never did anyone any harm
Haste makes waste
He that goes a-borrowing, goes a-sorrowing
He who can does, he who cannot, teaches
He who fights and runs away, may live to fight another day
He who hesitates is lost
He who laughs last laughs longest
He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
He who pays the piper calls the tune
He who sups with the Devil should have a long spoon
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned
Hindsight is always twenty-twenty
History repeats itself
Home is where the heart is
Honesty is the best policy
Hope springs eternal
Genius is one percent inspiration, ninety-nine percent perspiration
Give a dog a bad name and hang him
Give a man rope enough and he will hang himself
Give credit where credit is due
God helps those who help themselves
Good fences make good neighbours
Good talk saves the food
Good things come to those who wait
Great minds think alike
Half a loaf is better than no bread
Handsome is as handsome does
Hard cases make bad law
Hard work never did anyone any harm
Haste makes waste
He that goes a-borrowing, goes a-sorrowing
He who can does, he who cannot, teaches
He who fights and runs away, may live to fight another day
He who hesitates is lost
He who laughs last laughs longest
He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
He who pays the piper calls the tune
He who sups with the Devil should have a long spoon
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned
Hindsight is always twenty-twenty
History repeats itself
Home is where the heart is
Honesty is the best policy
Hope springs eternal
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Merry Christmas ... Day 12
Geez.... trust me to forget to post something on Day 12.... a day late with this, better late than never, eh?! Enjoy.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Joke: That "attraction" thing
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"
"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to a tractor'."
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"
"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to a tractor'."
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Joke: Day before Christmas eve
A man in Florida calls his son in New York the day before Christmas Eve and says,
"I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".
"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says.
"We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Vegas and tell her".
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".
She calls Florida immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing,
DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."
"I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".
"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says.
"We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Vegas and tell her".
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".
She calls Florida immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing,
DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."
Joke: New business in Florida
Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat the old timer said, "Must be doing well! Only two left."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat the old timer said, "Must be doing well! Only two left."
Monday, December 20, 2010
Joke: Snowing heavily in Canada
One winter morning a husband and wife in Cornerbrook were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park....." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice, that all men who are married to good Canadian women exhibit, the husband replied, "Babe why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park....." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice, that all men who are married to good Canadian women exhibit, the husband replied, "Babe why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Joke:The origins of yodelling in Switzerland
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland.
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, 'Who is that man going into the barn?'
'It's a fellow traveling through,' said the farmer. 'He needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn.'
The daughter said, 'Perhaps he is hungry.' So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.
About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn,! And she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. 'How could he leave without even saying goodbye,' she cried. 'We made such passionate love last night!'
'What?' shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, 'I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!'
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....
'LAIDTHEOLADEETOO'
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, 'Who is that man going into the barn?'
'It's a fellow traveling through,' said the farmer. 'He needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn.'
The daughter said, 'Perhaps he is hungry.' So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.
About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn,! And she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. 'How could he leave without even saying goodbye,' she cried. 'We made such passionate love last night!'
'What?' shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, 'I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!'
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....
'LAIDTHEOLADEETOO'
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Recipes for more Christmas Martinis
CHRISTMAS MARTINI
Ingredients:
•3 oz cranberry/raspberry cocktail
•1/2 oz crème de cassis
•1 oz vodka
Mixing instructions:
Place all ingredients in a shaker with ice. Shake and strain into a chilled martini glass.
Option: Garnish with a few raspberries or cranberries.
--------------------------
APPLE MARTINI
Ingredients:
•2 oz vodka
•1 oz apple liqueur
•Apple slice
Mixing instructions:
Stir vodka and apple liqueur in a mixing glass with plenty of ice and strain into a chilled cocktail glass. Garnish with a thin wedge of sliced apple. Apple cider can be used in place of apple liqueur
--------------------
BRANDY FROST
Ingredients:
•2 oz milk (or half-and-half cream)
•1/2 oz white crème de cacao
•1 oz brandy
•1 tbsp peppermint schnapps
Mixing instructions:
Pour all ingredients into a shaker filled with ice. Shake and strain into a cocktail glass. Garnish with a candy cane.
-------------------------
CANDY CANE MARTINI
Ingredients:
•1-1/2 oz vodka
•1 tsp peppermint schnapps
Mixing instructions:
Mix all ingredients with ice in a shaker. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass.
Option: Garnish with a small candy cane or create a candy cane rim with crushed candy canes.
--------------------------
JACK FROST MARTINI
Ingredients:
•1-1/2 oz vodka
•Peppermint schnapps
•Peppermint stick
Mixing instructions:
Stir vodka with a float of peppermint schnapps over ice. Strain and garnish with a peppermint candy cane.
Ingredients:
•3 oz cranberry/raspberry cocktail
•1/2 oz crème de cassis
•1 oz vodka
Mixing instructions:
Place all ingredients in a shaker with ice. Shake and strain into a chilled martini glass.
Option: Garnish with a few raspberries or cranberries.
--------------------------
APPLE MARTINI
Ingredients:
•2 oz vodka
•1 oz apple liqueur
•Apple slice
Mixing instructions:
Stir vodka and apple liqueur in a mixing glass with plenty of ice and strain into a chilled cocktail glass. Garnish with a thin wedge of sliced apple. Apple cider can be used in place of apple liqueur
--------------------
BRANDY FROST
Ingredients:
•2 oz milk (or half-and-half cream)
•1/2 oz white crème de cacao
•1 oz brandy
•1 tbsp peppermint schnapps
Mixing instructions:
Pour all ingredients into a shaker filled with ice. Shake and strain into a cocktail glass. Garnish with a candy cane.
-------------------------
CANDY CANE MARTINI
Ingredients:
•1-1/2 oz vodka
•1 tsp peppermint schnapps
Mixing instructions:
Mix all ingredients with ice in a shaker. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass.
Option: Garnish with a small candy cane or create a candy cane rim with crushed candy canes.
--------------------------
JACK FROST MARTINI
Ingredients:
•1-1/2 oz vodka
•Peppermint schnapps
•Peppermint stick
Mixing instructions:
Stir vodka with a float of peppermint schnapps over ice. Strain and garnish with a peppermint candy cane.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Recipes for Christmas Eggnogs
BRANDY EGGNOG
Ingredients:
•1/2 oz sugar syrup or to taste
\•1-1/2 oz brandy
•1 egg
•1 cup milk
•Freshly ground nutmeg
Mixing instructions:
Mix all ingredients, except nutmeg, with cracked ice in a shaker or blender and strain into a chilled highball glass. Sprinkle with nutmeg
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
CHRISTMAS COFFEE EGGNOG
Ingredients:
•6 oz milk
•1/2 tsp instant coffee
•1-1/2 oz whisky
•1 oz coffee liqueur
•1 egg
•1 oz heavy cream
•1 tsp sugar syrup
•Cinnamon
Mixing instructions:
Mix all ingredients, except cinnamon, with cracked ice in a shaker or blender and strain into a chilled Collins glass. Sprinkle with ground cinnamon
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
CHRISTMAS EGGNOG CALIFORNIA STYLE
Ingredients:
•3/4 oz bourbon
•3/4 oz brandy
•3/4 oz rum
•1 oz cream
•1 egg
•Nutmeg
Mixing instructions:
Shake ingredients with ice and strain into a Collins glass. Sprinkle nutmeg on top.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
CHRISTMAS EGGNOG NASHVILLE STYLE
Ingredients:
•qt cream
•2 cups sugar
•18 egg whites
•1 bottle (750 ml) bourbon
•1 cup brandy
•1 bottle (750 ml) rum
Mixing instructions:
Combine the rum, bourbon and egg yolks; stir well. Combine the cream and sugar; then blend into the liquor mix. Beat the egg whites until stiff and gently fold them in. Garnish with nutmeg.
Ingredients:
•1/2 oz sugar syrup or to taste
\•1-1/2 oz brandy
•1 egg
•1 cup milk
•Freshly ground nutmeg
Mixing instructions:
Mix all ingredients, except nutmeg, with cracked ice in a shaker or blender and strain into a chilled highball glass. Sprinkle with nutmeg
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
CHRISTMAS COFFEE EGGNOG
Ingredients:
•6 oz milk
•1/2 tsp instant coffee
•1-1/2 oz whisky
•1 oz coffee liqueur
•1 egg
•1 oz heavy cream
•1 tsp sugar syrup
•Cinnamon
Mixing instructions:
Mix all ingredients, except cinnamon, with cracked ice in a shaker or blender and strain into a chilled Collins glass. Sprinkle with ground cinnamon
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
CHRISTMAS EGGNOG CALIFORNIA STYLE
Ingredients:
•3/4 oz bourbon
•3/4 oz brandy
•3/4 oz rum
•1 oz cream
•1 egg
•Nutmeg
Mixing instructions:
Shake ingredients with ice and strain into a Collins glass. Sprinkle nutmeg on top.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
CHRISTMAS EGGNOG NASHVILLE STYLE
Ingredients:
•qt cream
•2 cups sugar
•18 egg whites
•1 bottle (750 ml) bourbon
•1 cup brandy
•1 bottle (750 ml) rum
Mixing instructions:
Combine the rum, bourbon and egg yolks; stir well. Combine the cream and sugar; then blend into the liquor mix. Beat the egg whites until stiff and gently fold them in. Garnish with nutmeg.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Recipes for Christmas Martinis .... set the tone for a lovely Christmas.... Part I of 2
WHITE CHRISTMAS DREAM
Ingredients:
•1 oz amaretto
•1 oz heavy cream
•1 oz vodka
Mixing instructions:
Mix all ingredients with ice in a shaker. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass.
Optional: Garnish with nutmeg.
********************************************
CHRISTMAS COSMOPOLITAN
Ingredients:
•1/2 oz Cointreau
•1/2 oz cranberry juice
•1 tsp lime juice fresh
•1 oz vodka
Mixing instructions:
Place all ingredients in a shaker with ice. Shake and strain into a chilled martini glass.
Option: To garnish, float a few frozen cranberries after pouring
**********************************
JACK FROST MARTINI
Ingredients:
•1-1/2 oz vodka
•Peppermint schnapps
•Peppermint stick
Mixing instructions:
Stir vodka with a float of peppermint schnapps over ice. Strain and garnish with a peppermint candy cane.
***********************************
CHAMPAGNE TINI
Ingredients:
•2 oz champagne•1/4 oz Cointreau
•1 oz gin
•Orange zest
Mixing instructions:
Fill a cocktail shaker with ice and add 1 gin and Cointreau. Stir until chilled and strain into a champagne cup. Top with champagne and garnish with a burnt orange zest.
*****************************************
MISTLETOE MARTINI
Ingredients:
•3/4 oz lemon juice•3 or 4 ice cubes
•3 tsp sugar
•3 oz chilled cranberry herbal tea
•2 oz orange juice
•2 oz vodka
Mixing instructions:
Place ice cubes in martini shaker and add all the ingredients. Close the shaker and shake. Strain into two martini glasses. Garnish and enjoy
**********************************************************
Ingredients:
•1 oz amaretto
•1 oz heavy cream
•1 oz vodka
Mixing instructions:
Mix all ingredients with ice in a shaker. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass.
Optional: Garnish with nutmeg.
********************************************
CHRISTMAS COSMOPOLITAN
Ingredients:
•1/2 oz Cointreau
•1/2 oz cranberry juice
•1 tsp lime juice fresh
•1 oz vodka
Mixing instructions:
Place all ingredients in a shaker with ice. Shake and strain into a chilled martini glass.
Option: To garnish, float a few frozen cranberries after pouring
**********************************
JACK FROST MARTINI
Ingredients:
•1-1/2 oz vodka
•Peppermint schnapps
•Peppermint stick
Mixing instructions:
Stir vodka with a float of peppermint schnapps over ice. Strain and garnish with a peppermint candy cane.
***********************************
CHAMPAGNE TINI
Ingredients:
•2 oz champagne•1/4 oz Cointreau
•1 oz gin
•Orange zest
Mixing instructions:
Fill a cocktail shaker with ice and add 1 gin and Cointreau. Stir until chilled and strain into a champagne cup. Top with champagne and garnish with a burnt orange zest.
*****************************************
MISTLETOE MARTINI
Ingredients:
•3/4 oz lemon juice•3 or 4 ice cubes
•3 tsp sugar
•3 oz chilled cranberry herbal tea
•2 oz orange juice
•2 oz vodka
Mixing instructions:
Place ice cubes in martini shaker and add all the ingredients. Close the shaker and shake. Strain into two martini glasses. Garnish and enjoy
**********************************************************
Monday, December 13, 2010
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