and
House Attack in Austria
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Joke: Depressed ? Suicidal ?
Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."
Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."
Today, Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!
I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . . . I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English.
I was connected to a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck......
Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."
Today, Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!
I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . . . I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English.
I was connected to a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck......
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Joke: Who would like to sleep with Brad Pitt?
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?'
The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a Million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'
So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'
The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'
The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million Bucks would buy?'
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The boy replied, 'Yes, ‘Potentially’, you and I are sitting on Three million dollars.
But ‘realistically’, we're just living with two hookers and a queer.
The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a Million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'
So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'
The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'
The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million Bucks would buy?'
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The boy replied, 'Yes, ‘Potentially’, you and I are sitting on Three million dollars.
But ‘realistically’, we're just living with two hookers and a queer.
Proverbs and Phrases .......6
If anything can go wrong, it will
If a job is worth doing it is worth doing well
If at first you don't succeed try, try and try again
If God had meant us to fly he'd have given us wings
If ifs and ands were pots and pans there'd be no work for tinkers
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade
If the cap fits, wear it
If the mountain won't come to Mohammed, then Mohammed must go to the mountain
If wishes were horses, beggars would ride
If you can't be good, be careful
If you can't beat em, join em
If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen
If you lie down with dogs, you will get up with fleas
If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys
If you want a thing done well, do it yourself
Ignorance is bliss
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery
In for a penny, in for a pound
In the kingdom of the blind the one eyed man is king
In the midst of life we are in death
Into every life a little rain must fall
It ain't over till the fat lady sings
It goes without saying
It is best to be on the safe side
It is better to give than to receive
It is easy to be wise after the event
It never rains but it pours
It takes a thief to catch a thief
It takes all sorts to make a world
It takes one to know one
It takes two to tango
It's all grist to the mill
It's an ill wind that blows no one any good
It's better to give than to receive
It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all
It's better to light a candle than curse the darkness
It's better to travel hopefully than to arrive
It's never too late
It's no use crying over spilt milk
It's no use locking the stable door after the horse has bolted
It's the early bird that catches the worm
It's the empty can that makes the most noise
It's the squeaky wheel that gets the grease
If a job is worth doing it is worth doing well
If at first you don't succeed try, try and try again
If God had meant us to fly he'd have given us wings
If ifs and ands were pots and pans there'd be no work for tinkers
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade
If the cap fits, wear it
If the mountain won't come to Mohammed, then Mohammed must go to the mountain
If wishes were horses, beggars would ride
If you can't be good, be careful
If you can't beat em, join em
If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen
If you lie down with dogs, you will get up with fleas
If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys
If you want a thing done well, do it yourself
Ignorance is bliss
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery
In for a penny, in for a pound
In the kingdom of the blind the one eyed man is king
In the midst of life we are in death
Into every life a little rain must fall
It ain't over till the fat lady sings
It goes without saying
It is best to be on the safe side
It is better to give than to receive
It is easy to be wise after the event
It never rains but it pours
It takes a thief to catch a thief
It takes all sorts to make a world
It takes one to know one
It takes two to tango
It's all grist to the mill
It's an ill wind that blows no one any good
It's better to give than to receive
It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all
It's better to light a candle than curse the darkness
It's better to travel hopefully than to arrive
It's never too late
It's no use crying over spilt milk
It's no use locking the stable door after the horse has bolted
It's the early bird that catches the worm
It's the empty can that makes the most noise
It's the squeaky wheel that gets the grease
Friday, January 7, 2011
Funny video: Christian terrorists
From the movie "An American Carol" starring Kevin Farley and Kelsey Grammer
Funny scary story
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe....as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.
An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts:
"Master, Master!.....The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
(I am soooooo sorry.....but you really should've seen that one coming!!)
I know you are considering never visiting my blog ever again. heheheh!!
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.
An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts:
"Master, Master!.....The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
(I am soooooo sorry.....but you really should've seen that one coming!!)
I know you are considering never visiting my blog ever again. heheheh!!
Joke: Maxine takes up a job that lasted less than a day
So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day....
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?'
So I replied,
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Jokes about Men not ever winning battles against women
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
-----------
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws
.................
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
-----------
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws
.................
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Proverbs and Phrases ......... 4
Genius is an infinite capacity for taking pains
Genius is one percent inspiration, ninety-nine percent perspiration
Give a dog a bad name and hang him
Give a man rope enough and he will hang himself
Give credit where credit is due
God helps those who help themselves
Good fences make good neighbours
Good talk saves the food
Good things come to those who wait
Great minds think alike
Half a loaf is better than no bread
Handsome is as handsome does
Hard cases make bad law
Hard work never did anyone any harm
Haste makes waste
He that goes a-borrowing, goes a-sorrowing
He who can does, he who cannot, teaches
He who fights and runs away, may live to fight another day
He who hesitates is lost
He who laughs last laughs longest
He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
He who pays the piper calls the tune
He who sups with the Devil should have a long spoon
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned
Hindsight is always twenty-twenty
History repeats itself
Home is where the heart is
Honesty is the best policy
Hope springs eternal
Genius is one percent inspiration, ninety-nine percent perspiration
Give a dog a bad name and hang him
Give a man rope enough and he will hang himself
Give credit where credit is due
God helps those who help themselves
Good fences make good neighbours
Good talk saves the food
Good things come to those who wait
Great minds think alike
Half a loaf is better than no bread
Handsome is as handsome does
Hard cases make bad law
Hard work never did anyone any harm
Haste makes waste
He that goes a-borrowing, goes a-sorrowing
He who can does, he who cannot, teaches
He who fights and runs away, may live to fight another day
He who hesitates is lost
He who laughs last laughs longest
He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
He who pays the piper calls the tune
He who sups with the Devil should have a long spoon
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned
Hindsight is always twenty-twenty
History repeats itself
Home is where the heart is
Honesty is the best policy
Hope springs eternal
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Merry Christmas ... Day 12
Geez.... trust me to forget to post something on Day 12.... a day late with this, better late than never, eh?! Enjoy.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Joke: That "attraction" thing
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"
"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to a tractor'."
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"
"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to a tractor'."
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Joke: Day before Christmas eve
A man in Florida calls his son in New York the day before Christmas Eve and says,
"I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".
"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says.
"We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Vegas and tell her".
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".
She calls Florida immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing,
DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."
"I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".
"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says.
"We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Vegas and tell her".
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".
She calls Florida immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing,
DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."
Joke: New business in Florida
Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat the old timer said, "Must be doing well! Only two left."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat the old timer said, "Must be doing well! Only two left."
Monday, December 20, 2010
Joke: Snowing heavily in Canada
One winter morning a husband and wife in Cornerbrook were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park....." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice, that all men who are married to good Canadian women exhibit, the husband replied, "Babe why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park....." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice, that all men who are married to good Canadian women exhibit, the husband replied, "Babe why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Joke:The origins of yodelling in Switzerland
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland.
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, 'Who is that man going into the barn?'
'It's a fellow traveling through,' said the farmer. 'He needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn.'
The daughter said, 'Perhaps he is hungry.' So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.
About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn,! And she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. 'How could he leave without even saying goodbye,' she cried. 'We made such passionate love last night!'
'What?' shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, 'I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!'
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....
'LAIDTHEOLADEETOO'
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, 'Who is that man going into the barn?'
'It's a fellow traveling through,' said the farmer. 'He needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn.'
The daughter said, 'Perhaps he is hungry.' So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.
About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn,! And she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. 'How could he leave without even saying goodbye,' she cried. 'We made such passionate love last night!'
'What?' shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, 'I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!'
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....
'LAIDTHEOLADEETOO'
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Recipes for more Christmas Martinis
CHRISTMAS MARTINI
Ingredients:
•3 oz cranberry/raspberry cocktail
•1/2 oz crème de cassis
•1 oz vodka
Mixing instructions:
Place all ingredients in a shaker with ice. Shake and strain into a chilled martini glass.
Option: Garnish with a few raspberries or cranberries.
--------------------------
APPLE MARTINI
Ingredients:
•2 oz vodka
•1 oz apple liqueur
•Apple slice
Mixing instructions:
Stir vodka and apple liqueur in a mixing glass with plenty of ice and strain into a chilled cocktail glass. Garnish with a thin wedge of sliced apple. Apple cider can be used in place of apple liqueur
--------------------
BRANDY FROST
Ingredients:
•2 oz milk (or half-and-half cream)
•1/2 oz white crème de cacao
•1 oz brandy
•1 tbsp peppermint schnapps
Mixing instructions:
Pour all ingredients into a shaker filled with ice. Shake and strain into a cocktail glass. Garnish with a candy cane.
-------------------------
CANDY CANE MARTINI
Ingredients:
•1-1/2 oz vodka
•1 tsp peppermint schnapps
Mixing instructions:
Mix all ingredients with ice in a shaker. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass.
Option: Garnish with a small candy cane or create a candy cane rim with crushed candy canes.
--------------------------
JACK FROST MARTINI
Ingredients:
•1-1/2 oz vodka
•Peppermint schnapps
•Peppermint stick
Mixing instructions:
Stir vodka with a float of peppermint schnapps over ice. Strain and garnish with a peppermint candy cane.
Ingredients:
•3 oz cranberry/raspberry cocktail
•1/2 oz crème de cassis
•1 oz vodka
Mixing instructions:
Place all ingredients in a shaker with ice. Shake and strain into a chilled martini glass.
Option: Garnish with a few raspberries or cranberries.
--------------------------
APPLE MARTINI
Ingredients:
•2 oz vodka
•1 oz apple liqueur
•Apple slice
Mixing instructions:
Stir vodka and apple liqueur in a mixing glass with plenty of ice and strain into a chilled cocktail glass. Garnish with a thin wedge of sliced apple. Apple cider can be used in place of apple liqueur
--------------------
BRANDY FROST
Ingredients:
•2 oz milk (or half-and-half cream)
•1/2 oz white crème de cacao
•1 oz brandy
•1 tbsp peppermint schnapps
Mixing instructions:
Pour all ingredients into a shaker filled with ice. Shake and strain into a cocktail glass. Garnish with a candy cane.
-------------------------
CANDY CANE MARTINI
Ingredients:
•1-1/2 oz vodka
•1 tsp peppermint schnapps
Mixing instructions:
Mix all ingredients with ice in a shaker. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass.
Option: Garnish with a small candy cane or create a candy cane rim with crushed candy canes.
--------------------------
JACK FROST MARTINI
Ingredients:
•1-1/2 oz vodka
•Peppermint schnapps
•Peppermint stick
Mixing instructions:
Stir vodka with a float of peppermint schnapps over ice. Strain and garnish with a peppermint candy cane.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Recipes for Christmas Eggnogs
BRANDY EGGNOG
Ingredients:
•1/2 oz sugar syrup or to taste
\•1-1/2 oz brandy
•1 egg
•1 cup milk
•Freshly ground nutmeg
Mixing instructions:
Mix all ingredients, except nutmeg, with cracked ice in a shaker or blender and strain into a chilled highball glass. Sprinkle with nutmeg
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
CHRISTMAS COFFEE EGGNOG
Ingredients:
•6 oz milk
•1/2 tsp instant coffee
•1-1/2 oz whisky
•1 oz coffee liqueur
•1 egg
•1 oz heavy cream
•1 tsp sugar syrup
•Cinnamon
Mixing instructions:
Mix all ingredients, except cinnamon, with cracked ice in a shaker or blender and strain into a chilled Collins glass. Sprinkle with ground cinnamon
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
CHRISTMAS EGGNOG CALIFORNIA STYLE
Ingredients:
•3/4 oz bourbon
•3/4 oz brandy
•3/4 oz rum
•1 oz cream
•1 egg
•Nutmeg
Mixing instructions:
Shake ingredients with ice and strain into a Collins glass. Sprinkle nutmeg on top.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
CHRISTMAS EGGNOG NASHVILLE STYLE
Ingredients:
•qt cream
•2 cups sugar
•18 egg whites
•1 bottle (750 ml) bourbon
•1 cup brandy
•1 bottle (750 ml) rum
Mixing instructions:
Combine the rum, bourbon and egg yolks; stir well. Combine the cream and sugar; then blend into the liquor mix. Beat the egg whites until stiff and gently fold them in. Garnish with nutmeg.
Ingredients:
•1/2 oz sugar syrup or to taste
\•1-1/2 oz brandy
•1 egg
•1 cup milk
•Freshly ground nutmeg
Mixing instructions:
Mix all ingredients, except nutmeg, with cracked ice in a shaker or blender and strain into a chilled highball glass. Sprinkle with nutmeg
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
CHRISTMAS COFFEE EGGNOG
Ingredients:
•6 oz milk
•1/2 tsp instant coffee
•1-1/2 oz whisky
•1 oz coffee liqueur
•1 egg
•1 oz heavy cream
•1 tsp sugar syrup
•Cinnamon
Mixing instructions:
Mix all ingredients, except cinnamon, with cracked ice in a shaker or blender and strain into a chilled Collins glass. Sprinkle with ground cinnamon
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
CHRISTMAS EGGNOG CALIFORNIA STYLE
Ingredients:
•3/4 oz bourbon
•3/4 oz brandy
•3/4 oz rum
•1 oz cream
•1 egg
•Nutmeg
Mixing instructions:
Shake ingredients with ice and strain into a Collins glass. Sprinkle nutmeg on top.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
CHRISTMAS EGGNOG NASHVILLE STYLE
Ingredients:
•qt cream
•2 cups sugar
•18 egg whites
•1 bottle (750 ml) bourbon
•1 cup brandy
•1 bottle (750 ml) rum
Mixing instructions:
Combine the rum, bourbon and egg yolks; stir well. Combine the cream and sugar; then blend into the liquor mix. Beat the egg whites until stiff and gently fold them in. Garnish with nutmeg.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Recipes for Christmas Martinis .... set the tone for a lovely Christmas.... Part I of 2
WHITE CHRISTMAS DREAM
Ingredients:
•1 oz amaretto
•1 oz heavy cream
•1 oz vodka
Mixing instructions:
Mix all ingredients with ice in a shaker. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass.
Optional: Garnish with nutmeg.
********************************************
CHRISTMAS COSMOPOLITAN
Ingredients:
•1/2 oz Cointreau
•1/2 oz cranberry juice
•1 tsp lime juice fresh
•1 oz vodka
Mixing instructions:
Place all ingredients in a shaker with ice. Shake and strain into a chilled martini glass.
Option: To garnish, float a few frozen cranberries after pouring
**********************************
JACK FROST MARTINI
Ingredients:
•1-1/2 oz vodka
•Peppermint schnapps
•Peppermint stick
Mixing instructions:
Stir vodka with a float of peppermint schnapps over ice. Strain and garnish with a peppermint candy cane.
***********************************
CHAMPAGNE TINI
Ingredients:
•2 oz champagne•1/4 oz Cointreau
•1 oz gin
•Orange zest
Mixing instructions:
Fill a cocktail shaker with ice and add 1 gin and Cointreau. Stir until chilled and strain into a champagne cup. Top with champagne and garnish with a burnt orange zest.
*****************************************
MISTLETOE MARTINI
Ingredients:
•3/4 oz lemon juice•3 or 4 ice cubes
•3 tsp sugar
•3 oz chilled cranberry herbal tea
•2 oz orange juice
•2 oz vodka
Mixing instructions:
Place ice cubes in martini shaker and add all the ingredients. Close the shaker and shake. Strain into two martini glasses. Garnish and enjoy
**********************************************************
Ingredients:
•1 oz amaretto
•1 oz heavy cream
•1 oz vodka
Mixing instructions:
Mix all ingredients with ice in a shaker. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass.
Optional: Garnish with nutmeg.
********************************************
CHRISTMAS COSMOPOLITAN
Ingredients:
•1/2 oz Cointreau
•1/2 oz cranberry juice
•1 tsp lime juice fresh
•1 oz vodka
Mixing instructions:
Place all ingredients in a shaker with ice. Shake and strain into a chilled martini glass.
Option: To garnish, float a few frozen cranberries after pouring
**********************************
JACK FROST MARTINI
Ingredients:
•1-1/2 oz vodka
•Peppermint schnapps
•Peppermint stick
Mixing instructions:
Stir vodka with a float of peppermint schnapps over ice. Strain and garnish with a peppermint candy cane.
***********************************
CHAMPAGNE TINI
Ingredients:
•2 oz champagne•1/4 oz Cointreau
•1 oz gin
•Orange zest
Mixing instructions:
Fill a cocktail shaker with ice and add 1 gin and Cointreau. Stir until chilled and strain into a champagne cup. Top with champagne and garnish with a burnt orange zest.
*****************************************
MISTLETOE MARTINI
Ingredients:
•3/4 oz lemon juice•3 or 4 ice cubes
•3 tsp sugar
•3 oz chilled cranberry herbal tea
•2 oz orange juice
•2 oz vodka
Mixing instructions:
Place ice cubes in martini shaker and add all the ingredients. Close the shaker and shake. Strain into two martini glasses. Garnish and enjoy
**********************************************************
Monday, December 13, 2010
Joke: Christmas joke from Canada
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The man from Nova Scotia fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The man from Saskatchewan reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Newfoundlander started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Newfie replied, 'These are Carols.'
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The man from Nova Scotia fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The man from Saskatchewan reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Newfoundlander started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Newfie replied, 'These are Carols.'
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Joke: Jesus Christ drives a red pickup truck
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students to learn one thing about Jesus for next Sunday.
The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned.
Susie said, "He was born in a manger."
Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."
Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it."
Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?"
"From my Daddy," said Johnny.
"Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?
The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned.
Susie said, "He was born in a manger."
Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."
Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it."
Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?"
"From my Daddy," said Johnny.
"Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Joke or maybe not ... Obama and Cameron with a Time Machine
Barak Obama and David Cameron are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future.
They both decide to test it by asking a question each.
Barak goes first.
"What will the USA be like in 100 years time"
The machine whirrs and beeps, goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out
"The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries"
David thinks "Its not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that" so he asks
"What will Great Britain be like in 100 years time?"
The machine whirrs and beeps, goes into action, and he gets a printout.
But he's just staring at it.
"Come on David" says Barak, "What does it say"
David replies,
"Buggered if I know ! It's all in Arabic!"
They both decide to test it by asking a question each.
Barak goes first.
"What will the USA be like in 100 years time"
The machine whirrs and beeps, goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out
"The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries"
David thinks "Its not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that" so he asks
"What will Great Britain be like in 100 years time?"
The machine whirrs and beeps, goes into action, and he gets a printout.
But he's just staring at it.
"Come on David" says Barak, "What does it say"
David replies,
"Buggered if I know ! It's all in Arabic!"
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
Joke: Oh .. to be a millionaire
Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be a Millionaire' and toward the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds. "You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,"but for a million pounds, you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin ."
Mick called up his mate Paddy, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Oh hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple - it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I’m sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as me answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."
There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
"You know why Mick! Because he lives in a clock!"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin ."
Mick called up his mate Paddy, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Oh hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple - it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I’m sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as me answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."
There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
"You know why Mick! Because he lives in a clock!"
Proverbs and Phrases .... 3
Failing to plan is planning to fail
Faint heart never won fair lady
Fair exchange is no robbery
Faith will move mountains
Familiarity breeds contempt
Feed a cold and starve a fever
Fight fire with fire
Finders keepers, losers weepers
Fine words butter no parsnips
First come, first served
First impressions are the most lasting
First things first
Fish always stink from the head down
Fish and guests smell after three days
Flattery will get you nowhere
Fools rush in where angels fear to tread
For want of a nail the shoe was lost; for want of a shoe the horse was lost; and for want of a horse the man was lost
Forewarned is forearmed
Forgive and forget
Fortune favours the brave
From the sublime to the ridiculous is only one step
Faint heart never won fair lady
Fair exchange is no robbery
Faith will move mountains
Familiarity breeds contempt
Feed a cold and starve a fever
Fight fire with fire
Finders keepers, losers weepers
Fine words butter no parsnips
First come, first served
First impressions are the most lasting
First things first
Fish always stink from the head down
Fish and guests smell after three days
Flattery will get you nowhere
Fools rush in where angels fear to tread
For want of a nail the shoe was lost; for want of a shoe the horse was lost; and for want of a horse the man was lost
Forewarned is forearmed
Forgive and forget
Fortune favours the brave
From the sublime to the ridiculous is only one step
Joke: Think Golf too much ?
Tim and Janice met on a singles cruise and Tim fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in neighboring cities only a few miles apart Tim was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Tim had taken Janice to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Tim became convinced that Janice was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Tim took Janice to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Tim said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.
So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
Janice took a deep breath and responded, "Tim, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."
"Oh wow! I see," Tim replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
When they discovered they lived in neighboring cities only a few miles apart Tim was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Tim had taken Janice to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Tim became convinced that Janice was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Tim took Janice to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Tim said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.
So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
Janice took a deep breath and responded, "Tim, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."
"Oh wow! I see," Tim replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Joke: Note from a mother
The teacher graded it and the child brought it home.
She returned to school the next day with the following note:
Dear Ms. Davis,
I want to be perfectly clear on my child's homework illustration.
It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint surrounded by male customers with money.
I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm.
This drawing is of me selling a shovel.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Harrington
Proverbs and Phrases .... 2
Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise
East is east, and west is west and never the twain shall meet
East, west, home's best
Easy come, easy go
Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die
Empty vessels make the most noise
Enough is as good as a feast
Enough is enough
Even a worm will turn
Every cloud has a silver lining
Every dog has his day
Every Jack has his Jill
Every little helps
Every man for himself, and the Devil take the hindmost
Every man has his price
Every picture tells a story
Every stick has two ends
Everyone wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die
Everything comes to him who waits
East is east, and west is west and never the twain shall meet
East, west, home's best
Easy come, easy go
Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die
Empty vessels make the most noise
Enough is as good as a feast
Enough is enough
Even a worm will turn
Every cloud has a silver lining
Every dog has his day
Every Jack has his Jill
Every little helps
Every man for himself, and the Devil take the hindmost
Every man has his price
Every picture tells a story
Every stick has two ends
Everyone wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die
Everything comes to him who waits
Joke: Ass Hole
Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman said, “I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job.”
The second woman responded, “Oh, that’s nothing. I'm thinking of having my a$$ hole bleached!”
“Whoa,” replied the first woman. “I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!”
The first woman said, “I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job.”
The second woman responded, “Oh, that’s nothing. I'm thinking of having my a$$ hole bleached!”
“Whoa,” replied the first woman. “I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!”
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