Two Crocodiles were sitting on the bank of the river Thames at Chiswick.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age. we were the same size as kids. And look at us now. I just don't get it.
'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'
'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.
'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'
'Down the river near the parking lot by the Houses of Parliament.'
'Strange. Same here. Hmm.. How do you catch them?'
'Well, I crawl up under one of their Jaguar cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg,shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'
'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem.You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.'
Monday, August 9, 2010
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Why we have Dogs and Cats as pets
Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'
And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in
spite of yourselves.'
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal and God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'
And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and
was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted. And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'
And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved
And God was pleased..
And Dog was happy.
And the cat didn't give a shit one way or the other
And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in
spite of yourselves.'
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal and God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and
was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted. And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'
And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved
And God was pleased..
And Dog was happy.
And the cat didn't give a shit one way or the other
Health and Cures: The Wonders of Honey with Cinnamon
Honey is the only food on the planet that will not spoil or rot. It will do what some call turning to sugar. In reality honey is always honey. However, when left in a cool dark place for a long time it will crystallized. When this happens, loosen the lid, boil some water, and sit the honey container in the hot water, turn off the heat and let it liquefy. It is then as good as it ever was. Never boil honey or put it in a microwave. To do so will kill the enzymes in the honey.
Bet the drug companies won't like this one getting around. Facts on Honey and Cinnamon: It is found that a mixture of honey and Cinnamon cures most diseases. Honey is produced in most of the countries of the world. Scientists of today also accept honey as a 'Ram Ban' (very effective) medicine for all kinds of diseases. Honey can be used without any side effects for any kind of diseases.
Today's science says that even though honey is sweet, if taken in the right dosage as a medicine, it does not harm diabetic patients. Weekly World News, a magazine in Canada , in its issue dated 17 January,1995 has given the following list of diseases that can be cured by honey and cinnamon as researched by western scientists:
HEART DISEASES:
Make a paste of honey and cinnamon powder, apply on bread, instead of jelly and jam, and eat it regularly for breakfast. It reduces the cholesterol in the arteries and saves the patient from heart attack. Also, those who have already had an attack, if they do this process daily, they are kept miles away from the next attack.. Regular use of the above process relieves loss of breath and strengthens the heart beat. In America and Canada , various nursing homes have treated patients successfully and have found that as you age, the arteries and veins lose their flexibility and get clogged; honey and cinnamon revitalize the arteries and veins.
ARTHRITIS:
Arthritis patients may take daily, morning and night, one cup of hot water with two spoons of honey and one small teaspoon of cinnamon powder. If taken regularly even chronic arthritis can be cured. In a recent research conducted at the Copenhagen University, it was found that when the doctors treated their patients with a mixture of one tablespoon Honey and half teaspoon Cinnamon powder before breakfast, they found that within a week, out of the 200 people so treated, practically 73 patients were totally relieved of pain, and within a month, mostly all the patients who could not walk or move around because of arthritis started walking without pain.
BLADDER INFECTIONS:
Take two tablespoons of cinnamon powder and one teaspoon of honey in a glass of lukewarm waterand drink it. It destroys the germs in the bladder..
CHOLESTEROL:
Two tablespoons of honey and three teaspoons of Cinnamon Powder mixed in 16 ounces of tea water, given to a cholesterol patient, was found to reduce the level of cholesterol in the blood by 10 percent within two hours As mentioned for arthritic patients, if taken three times a day, any chronic cholesterol is cured. According to information received in the said Journal, pure honey taken with food daily relieves complaints of cholesterol.
COLDS:
Those suffering from common or severe colds should take one tablespoon lukewarm honey with 1/4 spoon cinnamon powder daily for three days. This process will cure most chronic cough, cold, and clear the sinuses.
UPSET STOMACH:
Honey taken with cinnamon powder cures stomach ache and also clears stomach ulcers from the root.
GAS:
According to the studies done in India and Japan , it is revealed that if Honey is taken with cinnamon powder the stomach is relieved of gas.
IMMUNE SYSTEM:
Daily use of honey and cinnamon powder strengthens the immune system and protects the body from bacteria and viral attacks. Scientists have found that honey has various vitamins and iron in large amounts. Constant use of Honey strengthens the white blood corpuscles to fight bacterial andviral diseases.
INDIGESTION:
Cinnamon powder sprinkled on two tablespoons of honey taken before food relieves acidity and digests the heaviest of meals.
INFLUENZA:
A scientist in Spain has proved that honey contains a natural ' Ingredient' which kills the influenza germs and saves the patient from flu.
LONGEVITY:
Tea made with honey and cinnamon powder, when taken regularly, arrests the ravages of old age. Take four spoons of honey, one spoon of cinnamon powder, and three cups of water and boil to make like tea. Drink 1/4 cup, three to four times a day. It keeps the skin fresh and soft and arrests old age. Life spans also increase and even a 100 year old, starts performing the chores of a 20-year-old..
PIMPLES:
Three tablespoons of honey and one teaspoon of cinnamon powder paste. Apply this paste on the pimples before sleeping and wash it next morning with warm water. If done daily for two weeks, it removes pimples from the root.
SKIN INFECTIONS:
Applying honey and cinnamon powder in equal parts on the affected parts cures eczema, ringworm and all types of skin infections.
WEIGHT LOSS:
Daily in the morning one half hour before breakfast on an empty stomach, and at night before sleeping, drink honey and cinnamon powder boiled in one cup of water. If taken regularly, it reduces the weight of even the most obese person. Also, drinking this mixture regularly does not allow the fat to accumulate in the body even though the person may eat a high calorie diet.
CANCER:
Recent research in Japan and Australia has revealed that advanced cancer of the stomach and bones have been cured successfully. Patients suffering from these kinds of cancer should daily take one tablespoon of honey with one teaspoon of cinnamon powder for one month three times a day.
FATIGUE:
Recent studies have shown that the sugar content of honey is more helpful rather than being detrimental to the strength of the body. Senior citizens, who take honey and cinnamon powder in equal parts, are more alert and flexible. Dr. Milton, who has done research, says that a half tablespoon of honey taken in a glass of water and sprinkled with cinnamon powder, taken daily after brushing and in the afternoon at about 3:00 P.M. when the vitality of the body starts to decrease, increases the vitality of the body within a week.
BAD BREATH:
People of South America , first thing in the morning, gargle with one teaspoon of honey and cinnamon powder mixed in hot water, so their breath stays fresh throughout the day.
HEARING LOSS:
Daily morning and night honey and cinnamon powder, taken in equal parts restores hearing. Remember when we were kids? We had toast with real butter and cinnamon sprinkled on it!
Bet the drug companies won't like this one getting around. Facts on Honey and Cinnamon: It is found that a mixture of honey and Cinnamon cures most diseases. Honey is produced in most of the countries of the world. Scientists of today also accept honey as a 'Ram Ban' (very effective) medicine for all kinds of diseases. Honey can be used without any side effects for any kind of diseases.
Today's science says that even though honey is sweet, if taken in the right dosage as a medicine, it does not harm diabetic patients. Weekly World News, a magazine in Canada , in its issue dated 17 January,1995 has given the following list of diseases that can be cured by honey and cinnamon as researched by western scientists:
HEART DISEASES:
Make a paste of honey and cinnamon powder, apply on bread, instead of jelly and jam, and eat it regularly for breakfast. It reduces the cholesterol in the arteries and saves the patient from heart attack. Also, those who have already had an attack, if they do this process daily, they are kept miles away from the next attack.. Regular use of the above process relieves loss of breath and strengthens the heart beat. In America and Canada , various nursing homes have treated patients successfully and have found that as you age, the arteries and veins lose their flexibility and get clogged; honey and cinnamon revitalize the arteries and veins.
ARTHRITIS:
Arthritis patients may take daily, morning and night, one cup of hot water with two spoons of honey and one small teaspoon of cinnamon powder. If taken regularly even chronic arthritis can be cured. In a recent research conducted at the Copenhagen University, it was found that when the doctors treated their patients with a mixture of one tablespoon Honey and half teaspoon Cinnamon powder before breakfast, they found that within a week, out of the 200 people so treated, practically 73 patients were totally relieved of pain, and within a month, mostly all the patients who could not walk or move around because of arthritis started walking without pain.
BLADDER INFECTIONS:
Take two tablespoons of cinnamon powder and one teaspoon of honey in a glass of lukewarm waterand drink it. It destroys the germs in the bladder..
CHOLESTEROL:
Two tablespoons of honey and three teaspoons of Cinnamon Powder mixed in 16 ounces of tea water, given to a cholesterol patient, was found to reduce the level of cholesterol in the blood by 10 percent within two hours As mentioned for arthritic patients, if taken three times a day, any chronic cholesterol is cured. According to information received in the said Journal, pure honey taken with food daily relieves complaints of cholesterol.
COLDS:
Those suffering from common or severe colds should take one tablespoon lukewarm honey with 1/4 spoon cinnamon powder daily for three days. This process will cure most chronic cough, cold, and clear the sinuses.
UPSET STOMACH:
Honey taken with cinnamon powder cures stomach ache and also clears stomach ulcers from the root.
GAS:
According to the studies done in India and Japan , it is revealed that if Honey is taken with cinnamon powder the stomach is relieved of gas.
IMMUNE SYSTEM:
Daily use of honey and cinnamon powder strengthens the immune system and protects the body from bacteria and viral attacks. Scientists have found that honey has various vitamins and iron in large amounts. Constant use of Honey strengthens the white blood corpuscles to fight bacterial andviral diseases.
INDIGESTION:
Cinnamon powder sprinkled on two tablespoons of honey taken before food relieves acidity and digests the heaviest of meals.
INFLUENZA:
A scientist in Spain has proved that honey contains a natural ' Ingredient' which kills the influenza germs and saves the patient from flu.
LONGEVITY:
Tea made with honey and cinnamon powder, when taken regularly, arrests the ravages of old age. Take four spoons of honey, one spoon of cinnamon powder, and three cups of water and boil to make like tea. Drink 1/4 cup, three to four times a day. It keeps the skin fresh and soft and arrests old age. Life spans also increase and even a 100 year old, starts performing the chores of a 20-year-old..
PIMPLES:
Three tablespoons of honey and one teaspoon of cinnamon powder paste. Apply this paste on the pimples before sleeping and wash it next morning with warm water. If done daily for two weeks, it removes pimples from the root.
SKIN INFECTIONS:
Applying honey and cinnamon powder in equal parts on the affected parts cures eczema, ringworm and all types of skin infections.
WEIGHT LOSS:
Daily in the morning one half hour before breakfast on an empty stomach, and at night before sleeping, drink honey and cinnamon powder boiled in one cup of water. If taken regularly, it reduces the weight of even the most obese person. Also, drinking this mixture regularly does not allow the fat to accumulate in the body even though the person may eat a high calorie diet.
CANCER:
Recent research in Japan and Australia has revealed that advanced cancer of the stomach and bones have been cured successfully. Patients suffering from these kinds of cancer should daily take one tablespoon of honey with one teaspoon of cinnamon powder for one month three times a day.
FATIGUE:
Recent studies have shown that the sugar content of honey is more helpful rather than being detrimental to the strength of the body. Senior citizens, who take honey and cinnamon powder in equal parts, are more alert and flexible. Dr. Milton, who has done research, says that a half tablespoon of honey taken in a glass of water and sprinkled with cinnamon powder, taken daily after brushing and in the afternoon at about 3:00 P.M. when the vitality of the body starts to decrease, increases the vitality of the body within a week.
BAD BREATH:
People of South America , first thing in the morning, gargle with one teaspoon of honey and cinnamon powder mixed in hot water, so their breath stays fresh throughout the day.
HEARING LOSS:
Daily morning and night honey and cinnamon powder, taken in equal parts restores hearing. Remember when we were kids? We had toast with real butter and cinnamon sprinkled on it!
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Joke: Insipid joke from Canada
Yeah .... it's true ... even our jokes are pretty dull .....zzzz
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Saskatchewan prairies without water.
His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing a Revenue Canada ID badge and a dull grey dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie..You know how I work....You have three wishes.'
'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy... 'I'm not going to trust a Revenue Canada genie.'
'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.
'OK!, I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink.'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen
And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'
'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'
** *POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'
***POOF***
He was turned into a tampon.
Moral of the story: If the government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Saskatchewan prairies without water.
His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing a Revenue Canada ID badge and a dull grey dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie..You know how I work....You have three wishes.'
'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy... 'I'm not going to trust a Revenue Canada genie.'
'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.
'OK!, I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink.'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen
And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'
'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'
** *POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'
***POOF***
He was turned into a tampon.
Moral of the story: If the government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.
Joke: Senile Folks and their emails
SOME OF YOU ARE SAFE - SOME ARE NOT!
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1953.
Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. done that!
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! that too!
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. yep!
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. Aha!
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. well darn!
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. Oh, no - not again!
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND." and I just hate that!
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." Oh No!
IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1953.
Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. done that!
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! that too!
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. yep!
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. Aha!
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. well darn!
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. Oh, no - not again!
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND." and I just hate that!
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." Oh No!
IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."
Joke: Oh... those beautiful blondes
A business man got on an elevator.
When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly,
"T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. 'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God, It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered,
"'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'-- duuhhh.
When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly,
"T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. 'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God, It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered,
"'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'-- duuhhh.
Joke: On ageing and erections
Two old friends are sitting at the bar drinking when the first one says,.
"Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands.
By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees, if I tried really hard.
By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about forty five degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one hand."
"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"
"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get."
"Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands.
By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees, if I tried really hard.
By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about forty five degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one hand."
"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"
"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get."
Did you know ?
Sometimes I just have to scream.... so here goes this as an excuse for a joke.
Did you know ...,
.. that the words "race car" spelled backward still spells "race car"
.. that "eat" is the only word that, if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate"
And, have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants" and add just a few more letters, it spells: "Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking, baby-making, violent, non-English-speaking assholes and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-loving, raggedy-ass b$stards with you."
How weird is that?
Did you know ...,
.. that the words "race car" spelled backward still spells "race car"
.. that "eat" is the only word that, if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate"
And, have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants" and add just a few more letters, it spells: "Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking, baby-making, violent, non-English-speaking assholes and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-loving, raggedy-ass b$stards with you."
How weird is that?
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Joke: Nair hair remover and the Schnauzer
My neighbour found out that her dog ( a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.
The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well stay off your bicycle for about a week."
The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well stay off your bicycle for about a week."
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Joke: Lessons in sales-boy-ship
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher. Little Jenny was next:
"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath ...
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poo!" Then I would say,"It is dog poo. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
"I used the governmental approach of giving you something crappy for free, and then making you pay to get the nasty taste out of your mouth."
Oh yeah.... here's the next Prez of the USA
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher. Little Jenny was next:
"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath ...
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poo!" Then I would say,"It is dog poo. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
"I used the governmental approach of giving you something crappy for free, and then making you pay to get the nasty taste out of your mouth."
Oh yeah.... here's the next Prez of the USA
Did you ever wonder about....
How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It
What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck
Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
You Boil The Hell Out Of It
What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck
Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
Facts: Right Foot and the Number 6
While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clock-wise circles
At the same time try making the number 6 in the air with your right hand
Your foot will change direction. Our brain is not equipped to handle this action. Go on try and get frustrated.
At the same time try making the number 6 in the air with your right hand
Your foot will change direction. Our brain is not equipped to handle this action. Go on try and get frustrated.
Joke: New Mom at age 65
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked
'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'
'May I see the new baby?' I asked
'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'
Reality : Letter to Barack Obama
Dear President Obama:
I'm planning to move my family and extended family into Mexico for my health, and I would like to ask you to assist me.
We're planning to simply walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and we'll need your help to make a few arrangements.
We plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws.
I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here. So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Calderon, that I'm on my way over?
Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:
1. Free medical care for my entire family.
2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.
3. Please print all Mexican government forms in English.
4. I want my grandkids to be taught Spanish by English-speaking (bilingual) teachers.
5. Tell their schools they need to include classes on American culture and history.
6. I want my grandkids to see the American flag on one of the flagpoles at their school.
7. Please plan to feed my grandkids at school for both breakfast and lunch.
8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.
9. I do plan to get a car and drive in Mexico , but, I don't plan to purchase car insurance, and I probably won't make any special effort to learn local traffic laws.
10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from his president to leave me alone, please be sure that every patrol car has at least one English-speaking officer.
11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house, put U S. flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.
12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, or have any labor or tax laws enforced on any business I may start.
13. Please have the president tell all the Mexican people to be extremely nice and never say critical things about my family, or about the strain we might place on their economy.
14. I want to receive free food stamps.
15. Naturally, I'll expect free rent subsidies.
16. I'll need income tax credits so, although I don't pay Mexican taxes, I'll receive funds from the government.
17. Please arrange it so that the Mexican Gov't pays $4,500 to help me buy a new car.
18. Oh yes, I almost forgot: please enroll me free into the Mexican Social Security program so that I'll get a monthly income in retirement.
I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all his people who walk over to the U..S. from Mexico . I am sure that President Calderon won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely.
Thank you so much for your kind help. You da hombre!!!
I'm planning to move my family and extended family into Mexico for my health, and I would like to ask you to assist me.
We're planning to simply walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and we'll need your help to make a few arrangements.
We plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws.
I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here. So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Calderon, that I'm on my way over?
Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:
1. Free medical care for my entire family.
2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.
3. Please print all Mexican government forms in English.
4. I want my grandkids to be taught Spanish by English-speaking (bilingual) teachers.
5. Tell their schools they need to include classes on American culture and history.
6. I want my grandkids to see the American flag on one of the flagpoles at their school.
7. Please plan to feed my grandkids at school for both breakfast and lunch.
8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.
9. I do plan to get a car and drive in Mexico , but, I don't plan to purchase car insurance, and I probably won't make any special effort to learn local traffic laws.
10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from his president to leave me alone, please be sure that every patrol car has at least one English-speaking officer.
11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house, put U S. flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.
12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, or have any labor or tax laws enforced on any business I may start.
13. Please have the president tell all the Mexican people to be extremely nice and never say critical things about my family, or about the strain we might place on their economy.
14. I want to receive free food stamps.
15. Naturally, I'll expect free rent subsidies.
16. I'll need income tax credits so, although I don't pay Mexican taxes, I'll receive funds from the government.
17. Please arrange it so that the Mexican Gov't pays $4,500 to help me buy a new car.
18. Oh yes, I almost forgot: please enroll me free into the Mexican Social Security program so that I'll get a monthly income in retirement.
I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all his people who walk over to the U..S. from Mexico . I am sure that President Calderon won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely.
Thank you so much for your kind help. You da hombre!!!
Joke: Senior Citizens in a car
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said,
"OH MY GOD! AM I DRIVING?"
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said,
"OH MY GOD! AM I DRIVING?"
Joke: Don't mess with Senior Citizens
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:
My wife and I are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George . Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00.
I explode and demanded to know why the charge is so high.I told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'.
I insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.'But we didn't use them," I said.''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.
He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "we have the best entertainers from New York ,Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," I said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied,"But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay. I wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. "But sir, this cheque is only made out for $50.00."
''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife," I replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
I said, "Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have!"
Never mess with Senior Citizens ! ! !
My wife and I are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George . Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00.
I explode and demanded to know why the charge is so high.I told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'.
I insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.'But we didn't use them," I said.''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.
He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "we have the best entertainers from New York ,Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," I said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied,"But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay. I wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. "But sir, this cheque is only made out for $50.00."
''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife," I replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
I said, "Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have!"
Never mess with Senior Citizens ! ! !
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Joke: Eileen and Bob go to the Marriage counseller
Eileen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!
Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.
The therapist turned to Bob and said: 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'
Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf!
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!
Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.
The therapist turned to Bob and said: 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'
Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf!
Friday, July 9, 2010
Jokes on Obama : Comedians go after Obama, the nuttiest of Presidents
The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree . . . and
think 25 to life would be appropriate.
--Jay Leno
-----------
America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
Jay Leno
--------------
Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
--Conan O'Brien
------------
Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
--Jay Leno
------------
Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society.
The other is for housing prisoners.
--David Letterman
-----------------
Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America!
--Jimmy Fallon
--------
Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
--Jimmy Kimmel
---------
Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.
--David Letterman
think 25 to life would be appropriate.
--Jay Leno
-----------
America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
Jay Leno
--------------
Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
--Conan O'Brien
------------
Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
--Jay Leno
------------
Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society.
The other is for housing prisoners.
--David Letterman
-----------------
Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America!
--Jimmy Fallon
--------
Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
--Jimmy Kimmel
---------
Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.
--David Letterman
Joke: Golfer's Ire
A Catholic priest, an Indian doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Italian from New Jersey were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Italian from New Jersey fumed, 'What's with those jerks? We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!'
Indian doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'
The Chinese businessman called out, 'Move it, time is money!'
The Catholic priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Excuse me, sir!' said the priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'
The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'
The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The Indian doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them.'
The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters union in honor of these brave souls!'
The Italian from New Jersey said, 'Why the hell can't they play at night??
The Italian from New Jersey fumed, 'What's with those jerks? We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!'
Indian doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'
The Chinese businessman called out, 'Move it, time is money!'
The Catholic priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Excuse me, sir!' said the priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'
The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'
The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The Indian doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them.'
The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters union in honor of these brave souls!'
The Italian from New Jersey said, 'Why the hell can't they play at night??
Joke: Man has sex at 92 ... Superman? Maybe
One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment Killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex .. He could fly'
,
Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex .. He could fly'
,
Monday, July 5, 2010
Joke: Sex with an illegal immigrant
An illegal alien spots a prostitute
"Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks.
"$100," she replies.
In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?"
"No" she says.
"I pay you $200 to do immigrant style."
"No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.
"I pay you $300."
"No," she says.
"I pay you $400."
"No," she says.
So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant style."
She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdoes
from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?"
So she agrees and has sex with him.
Finally, after several hours, they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So, what exactly is immigrant style?"
The illegal immigrant replies, "You send the bill to the Government
And, that how the illegal immigrants are screwing the Americans.
"Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks.
"$100," she replies.
In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?"
"No" she says.
"I pay you $200 to do immigrant style."
"No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.
"I pay you $300."
"No," she says.
"I pay you $400."
"No," she says.
So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant style."
She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdoes
from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?"
So she agrees and has sex with him.
Finally, after several hours, they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So, what exactly is immigrant style?"
The illegal immigrant replies, "You send the bill to the Government
And, that how the illegal immigrants are screwing the Americans.
Joke: Loud Sex
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, 'I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell.'
'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is.'
'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'
'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is.'
'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'
Joke: The hidden meaning of Names... according to a psychiatrist
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'You'r obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'You'r obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'
At this point, the fourth mother quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come Dick, lwe have to go now.'
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'You'r obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'You'r obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'
At this point, the fourth mother quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come Dick, lwe have to go now.'
Joke: Maxine discloses the reason why her friend has a Quiet Sex life
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, 'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?' She glanced at him casually and replied, 'You're never home!'
Joke: Tombstone to read "Stiff at last"
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'.'
'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.''
'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.''
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