Sunday, February 20, 2011

Joke: Maxine know how best to take care of the Politically Correct virus

Joke: Nasty Frenchman and the Pissed-off American

An American is having breakfast in Paris one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: 'You American folk eat the whole bread??'

American (in a bad mood): 'Of course.'

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) 'We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states.' The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The American listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: 'Do you eat jelly with the bread??'

American: 'Of Course.'

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling). 'We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to the states.'

After a moment of silence, The American then asks: 'Do you have sex in France?'

Frenchman: 'Why of course we do', he says with a big smirk.

American: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'

Frenchman: 'We throw them away, of course.'

American: 'We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France.'





Joke: (Warning) Racist Joke Here !!!!

Get a life, folks! If you can't take a joke, especially racist ones, this blog of mine should be given a miss. Goodbyeeee !!!!!!!!!!

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God went to the Arabs and said,  'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'
The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'
'Can you give us an example?'
'Thou shall not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested..'

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honor thy Father and Mother.'
'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'
'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'
'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said,'I have Commandments..'
'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'
'They're free.'  said the Lord
"We'll take Ten"  said the Jews.

There, that hopefully offended everybody. 

Joke: How retirees pass their time

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.


Well, for example, the other day, Sue my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an "a--hole" . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Sue called him a "s--t head". He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

Awesome pics .... IV

Cartoon: Technical Torture

Joke: The wise old fisherman

A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.' Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

Cartoon: Obama's foreign policy

Joke: Bathtub Test

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Amazing Structures ... part 8 ...

 
La Pedrera, Spain

and Lotus Temple, India

Proverbs and Phrases ...9

Nature abhors a vacuum

Necessity is the mother of invention

Needs must when the devil drives

Ne'er cast a clout till May be out

Never give a sucker an even break

Never go to bed on an argument

Never judge a book by its cover

Never let the sun go down on your anger

Never look a gift horse in the mouth

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today

Never speak ill of the dead

Never tell tales out of school

Nine tailors make a man

No man can serve two masters

No man is an island

No names, no pack-drill

No news is good news

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent

No pain, no gain

No rest for the wicked

Nothing is certain but death and taxes

Nothing succeeds like success

Nothing venture, nothing gain

Oil and water don't mix

Old soldiers never die, they just fade away

Once a thief, always a thief

Once bitten, twice shy

One good turn deserves another

One half of the world does not know how the other half lives

One hand washes the other

One man's meat is another man's poison

One might as well be hanged for a sheep as a lamb

One law for the rich and another for the poor

One swallow does not make a summer

One volunteer is worth ten pressed men

One year's seeding makes seven years weeding

Only fools and horses work

Opportunity never knocks twice at any man's door

Out of sight, out of mind

Awesome pics .. III

Useful nothings with "deep" silly meanings .... I

Mensa Words. The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by, subtracting, or changing one letter and supply a new definition. Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Awesome pics .... II

Proverbs and Phrases .... 8

Make hay while the sun shines

Make love not war

Man does not live by bread alone

Manners maketh man

Many a little makes a mickle

Many a mickle makes a muckle

Many a true word is spoken in jest

Many hands make light work

March comes in like a lion, and goes out like a lamb

March winds and April showers bring forth May flowers

Marriages are made in heaven

Marry in haste, repent at leisure

Might is right

Mighty oaks from little acorns grow

Misery loves company

Moderation in all things

Monday's child is fair of face,

Tuesday's child is full of grace,

Wednesday's child is full of woe,

Thursday's child has far to go,

Friday's child is loving and giving,

Saturday's child works hard for its living,

And a child that's born on the Sabbath day

Is fair and wise and good and gay.

Money doesn't grow on trees

Money is the root of all evil

Money isn't everything

Money makes the world go round

Money talks

More haste, less speed

Music has charms to soothe the savage breast

Cartoons: Computer & Internet humor

Quotable quotes .... I

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)


I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt


Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns

Awesome pics .... I

Useful nothings

Number 10 :  Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 : Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 : Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .

Number 7:  Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 : Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5:  Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4 : All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 : Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2:  In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 : Thought Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

- - - and as someone recently said to me: "Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last long."

Irish Dance

Joke: Why you should think before you make your wish

Two Frenchies from Canada,  Boudreaux and Thibodeaux, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Boudreaux stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth..

This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Boudreaux immediately blurted out, 'Turn the entire ocean into Budweiser beer!

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into beer and the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

Thibodeaux looked disgustedly at Boudreaux whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment Thibodeaux said, 'Nice going Boudreaux! ........Now we're going to have to pee in the boat.'

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Cartoons: Computer & Internet Humor .... 5

Joke: How to go bankrupt

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.


He glanced at the menu and asked:

'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'


The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'


The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'


The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'

Song: Lilly .... by Pink Martini

Joke: Want a sandwich?

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'


'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'


No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

Cartoons: Computer & Internet Humor .... 4


Joke: Golfer gets a pass

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes  outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,  'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!  You've been playing golf!'

Song: Celine Dion's A New Day has come

Joke: The Welfare Officer and the Welfare taker

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare.  I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent.  We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

And, this is rather awkward to say but, you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it."